What is sexier? What is most loving?
What questions we ask has a profound effect on our lives and relationships.
Let’s take some simple and frequent interactions between a couple. Who will put out the cat? Or plan the holidays? Who will take out the dirty rubbish? Who will wash up tonight?
Or if you are dating – ‘Who will pay for the dinner out? Or will initiate the next date? Who drives or gets picked up? Or meet there independently?’
Or if you are doing your own thing. Will I dance or watch TV? Will I focus on work now or relax?
Many of these questions used to be answered by rules and roles of gender.
Many of these questions used to be answered by rules and roles of gender. Now they tend be answered by What is equal? What is fair?
In our western culture, we are programmed to ask, ‘What is fair?’ and if something isn’t fair we can feel righteous and justified in our disapproval of it. As though we should always balance the scales. And fairness is a good thing when it comes to equal pay, or food distribution for example, but it may not be the best or right question to ask in a relationship.
If you ask the question ‘What is sexier?’ or ‘What is most loving?’ you may end up with a very different answer than ‘What is fair?’ But we want fairness, don’t we? No-one wants to be taken advantage of by the other. And yet, if you are in the realm of relationship and dating, it will be much more creative to ask, ‘What is sexier?’ Or to create a deeper safety and love bubble by asking ‘What is most loving?’
Generally if you want to increase the polarity of attraction it’s best for the masculine* partner to do the jobs that will allow the feminine partner to relax, stay warm, let-go, feel protected, rather than her toughening up, doing the dirty jobs and being independent. She can usually do these things perfectly well and will do them when alone, but when she is with him, if he takes this on, she will relax into her feminine flow and radiance.
Stress is a big obstacle to feminine fulfilment.
Stress is a big obstacle to feminine fulfilment. So anything that de-stresses her, that removes a burden and a worry, will help her open up, be more radiant and alive. More orgasmic.
If you expect her to be an ‘equal’ partner in jobs, or pay her own way every time you date, you will have equality and fairness, but not polarity and attraction.
Who drives when you go out together? Do you base it on who did it last time? or is it sexier if he uses his directional abilities and ‘go’ energy to take her somewhere. He can also ask her to drive. Or perhaps its sexier for you both when she drives and he is tuning into her. However, if she is focused and navigating she will feel a tension that is totally fine but…. What is sexier?
You can also ask ‘What is more loving?’ This is a great question if you want more love, closeness and intimacy in your relating and in your life. And of a higher order than What is fair? However, love can be caring and not necessarily sexy. Is it sexy for a woman to lovingly look after her man? Possibly yes, when he is feeling low or exhausted, some nurturing will be restorative and helps him feel alive again. But too much of this maternal energy can start to diminish the polarity, he will feel her as a source of motherly love and friendship, but not necessarily as someone he sexually desires.
Being his friend, carer, mentor, therapist, guide, may be extremely loving and necessary at times, but it will be depolarizing, not sexy or creating passion and attraction. This is different from gifting him with your feminine power and energy. You may say and do things that could be shocking and wild, however they can be loving, and sexy and very unfair!!
But if the man is being fatherly, a teacher, mentor, guru, therapist, it can be very polarizing and sexy, as he is giving her wisdom and guidance and she is following and valuing that.
Him honouring her feminine power can also be sexy, but in what way? If it’s from a delight in her fullness, and the excitement of matching that, it’s sexy. If it’s from a sense of relief that she will take that role off you, it’s not sexy at all.
When she receives a bigger share of romantic gifts it’s not fair, but it’s sexier. As is her gifting him with an experience that gives him wildness and freedom. It may be reversed in your couple, just find out but by the question you ask.
If you are saying, ‘but I love all these things too!’ that’s great, but ask the question What is Sexier? What is more Loving? or also “What is deeper?’ and surrender to the answer.
If you are a woman with a feminine essence and initiating a date with a man, this may be sexier because he wants to know you are interested in him. But if you are always initiating, after a while it may not be so sexy as he becomes the hunted and you the hunter. If he initiates, he feels the challenge of the hunter energy and this is mostly sexier to both
Generally, it is sexier for her to invite and receive and for him to initiate and penetrate, this evokes the polarity of masculine and feminine. You may find it sexy though to swop this occasionally. There is no rule. It’s up to the two of you to ask the question that will lead to the experience you want to have.
On a date, if the man plans it and takes a woman on an adventure, or is listening to her desires and m
aking them happen, that’s sexy, and loving. If he is dictating what will happen without tuning into her, it’s not sexy or loving at all. She will feel dominated and controlled, rather than seen and guided and opened.
A conversation about your relationship may be necessary, but is it sexy? If both people are staying open and sharing their true responses with love, and for her to be in her flow of vulnerability and feeling, it can be very sexy. If both are in a ‘meta’ state of awareness, self-responsibility and holding space, it can be very productive and clearing, but it won’t increase polarity at all. So, if you need to have this kind of talk, let it be messy and real. Know you may need to reestablish polarity afterwards, to reinstate the feeling of union and attraction.
This also applies to our lives, day by day. If you are contemplating where to put your time, attention and energy, work out the right question to ask. If you want to increase your own essence, sensuality, heart-openness, purposefulness or freedom, what question do you need to ask?
It’s not an interrogation method, it’s an inquiry, a looking at and feeling into our lives, desires and choices. If we say we want a partner but then choose to stay home all the time, we probably aren’t asking the question to create the result we desire.
If we want to be more feminine but are always running masculine tasks and jobs and lists it’s not going to enhance feminine essence. Similarly, if we want to increase masculinity then choosing to often enjoy your pleasurable, flowing activities won’t work.
What is your best question?
This is not about being a martyr or a pleaser, it’s about mastery. What is your best question?
Appreciating you with love and trust,
*For ease I’m referring here to the masculine essence as a man, and feminine essence was a woman, however it not always gender based.
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