Reverse polarity can quietly wreck your love life.

It’s often hard to recognise, because it doesn’t look like a “polarity problem” – it looks like the everyday friction of mismatched personalities and attachment styles. Or the kind of low-grade resentment that can seep into long-term relationships or prolonged unsuccessful dating. But once you can see it, you can do something about it.

Some signs of reverse polarity in a relationship or in dating:

1. Constantly feeling frustrated and resentful towards your partner or dating partners. They “should” be different.
2. You feel burdened or oppressed, unappreciated, and not free to be yourself.
3. You are doubting the relationship and being attracted elsewhere, even though you deeply love each other.
4. You are dating people who seem nice or good, but leave you disinterested and unexcited.
5. Sex is non-existent or minimal, and feels functional or even boring.

What is reverse polarity?

Reverse polarity happens when the natural polarity between masculine and feminine becomes reversed. He takes on more of the She role than is natural to him, and She takes on more of the He role than is natural to her.

This isn’t the same as him exploring his feminine side, or her enjoying her masculine side – that’s healthy range. Reverse polarity is when this tips into both people occupying the space of the other’s essence, unconsciously and consistently. The magnets start repelling instead of attracting.

Between a couple who are naturally mostly masculine and feminine essence, when the polarity reverses, she becomes the one who is directive, protecting, financially driving, mission-orientated, calling the shots. He becomes the one who is receptive, emotional, going with the flow of life and feeling – and increasingly self-doubting.

She ends up prodding him into action, because he seems slow to move or grow or even take responsibility. He wants her to slow down and leave him alone. He feels less purposeful; she feels more anxious and responsible for both of them. The love may still be there, but it’s clouded.

They are not living their natural essence in the relationship. If they were happy to naturally occupy these energies, whatever their gender, thats a different story’

It’s not really about who does what task – it’s about what energy each of you is holding.

If you’re occupying an energy, masculine or feminine, your partner will often shift naturally into complementary polarity with it – or they’ll fight it. Its good to know that a woman can be highly capable in traditionally masculine tasks, or a man in traditionally feminine ones, and the couple can still hold strong polarity, if they know how to generate it. Polarity is created energetically, not just divided up by tasks or roles.

What causes reverse polarity?

1. Financial imbalance – she earns considerably more, carries him financially or supports him while he’s home full-time or pursuing his own path – and it isn’t a conscious, mutual choice.
2. Career setbacks, job loss, or illness disrupt the natural flow, and she picks up the slack. Something neither partner controls – but polarity can still be consciously maintained through it.
3. Not understanding the positive differences between masculine and feminine essence, so the couple drifts out of polarity or keeps taking over each other’s space.
4. He keeps trying to please her and denies his own needs and masculine energy to keep the peace.
5. She’s scared to let go into her feelings, be alive in her body and surrender into flow.
6. Earlier trauma, wounding, or a parent who modelled an undesirable aspect of their essence – leaving a need to protect around your own essence and shy away from living it fully.

How to restore polarity

Restoring polarity means each of you reclaiming your natural energy in intimacy, not defaulting into an unfulfilling opposite.

If you have a core feminine essence and you’ve been the one directing, managing, deciding, carrying him, and feeling burdened or resentful about it – step back energetically. Give your partner room to step up. Stop managing his emotions, decisions, and healing, and trust him to find his own way, even if he hasn’t yet. Hand back to him what is his to take care of and let him experience the consequences of not doing that. You are still loving and supporting him, just not over-functioning in his domain.

If you’ve been the one going along, deferring, staying passive, pleasing her and resenting it – step in. Give more direction, take real responsibility (including for money), initiate plans, especially for intimacy, and stop waiting to be prompted. Don’t ask “What can I do to help?” as this makes her the manager.

Whichever way it’s running: reconnect with what’s truly authentic to you, spend time with others who hold that essence well. And practice new possibilities.

The hard part

What happens if she steps back and he doesn’t pick it up?

A vacuum calls us to fill it, and it’s deeply tempting for her to go back to managing him – his emotions, his decisions, his social life – the moment you notice him not stepping into the space you’ve made.

If this happens, the move isn’t to fill the gap again. It’s to encourage him to find support elsewhere – other men, a men’s group, a therapist – and if he still doesn’t shift, consciously decide: am I willing to carry this, or not?

What’s often true is this: when you shift something internally – genuinely let go – the whole field of the relationship changes. The other person is far more likely to rise into the space you’ve vacated than if you never really vacated it at all.

What happens if he steps up and she doesn’t relax her masculine energy?

The dynamic can run the other way too – where he’s occupying more of the flowing, emotional, relational aspects, and she’s polarised into the masculine, driving and directing. The same principle applies: give her time to find her feminine essence and trust you again. It won’t happen overnight. When he steps back into more direction and steadiness, she’ll find her way into more flow.

Our patterns run deep and they are often formed because of a perceived or real need to protect ourselves. It can be scary to change, however the risk of letting reverse polarity wreck your love-life and your intimacy is a greater risk than getting out of your comfort zone to have more of what you are deeply longing for.

In my experience even a small shift towards authentic polarity makes a very big difference in levels of happiness and fulfilment in yourself and your relationships.

If you’re single or dating

Reverse polarity doesn’t need a relationship to show up – it can happen on a single date. Here you can choose not to fill the reversed role from the start.

For those more masculine in essence: you can maintain polarity by centring into your own core rather than matching her masculine energy. Don’t fight it, and don’t give in to it either — just stay rooted in yourself. Humour is one of the most useful tools here; it de-escalates without collapsing your ground.

More feminine in essence: stay in your own flow and feeling instead of taking over the planning, the direction, the reassurance – even when someone seems to need you to. Many men have become wary of showing their authentic masculine leadership as they assume it will not be welcome. But when given with care and sensitivity to her, it’s very welcome to the feminine essence.

Either way: notice when you’re about to occupy someone else’s space, and don’t.

It can be challenging to shift reverse polarity – there are usually real reasons you ended up occupying the other space, and it may be uncomfortable to even admit what’s happening.

But the rewards are significant. When natural polarity is restored, tension eases and magnetic love returns. Whether you’re partnered or dating, you’ll notice you start attracting different people, and feel more authentic, aligned, and happier – with access to the kind of polarity that makes for a genuinely alive connection.

If you recognise this pattern in your relationship or dating life, it’s not something you have to untangle alone. This is exactly the work I do in sessions and private intensives — helping people see where the reversal is happening and consciously restore polarity, often faster than expected. Book a single session to explore this dynamic or learn more about private intensives →

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

The post The Signs of Reverse Polarity (and How to Shift It) appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

The 3A’s  of great relationships – Attraction, Alignment and Authenticity are the three essential ingredients for great relationships, friendships and collaborations. Remove one of these ingredients and it just doesn’t quite work.

An energetic pull that draws you together

1. Attraction is central to all our relationships. There is sexual attraction with our intimate partners, the spark of masculine and feminine opposites. In dating we simply want to see someone again. In friendships we like someone, we are drawn to them. At work, we have colleagues we prefer to be with, teams we want to be part of, a culture or creativity that attract us. Here we thrive. Even our pets are likable, lovable or just quirkily attractive to us.

Trying to be in an intimate relationship without attraction is a forced affair. It is a struggle that never fully goes away. There may be a huge amount of love, but if attraction is absent, it devolves more into companionship.

And I’m not just talking about physical attraction, but an energetic pull that draws you together, often in spite of physical preferences. ‘He’s not my usual type but I just want to be around him…’

Attraction in intimacy will ebb and flow over time, but how much depends on your commitment to keeping passion and love alive. As one of the 3 Traits of great relationships it is important!

Sharing core values and dreams

2. Alignment is also a major key to great relationships. If we are not sharing core values and dreams it is difficult to sustain an attraction. For example, if you are a man in your early forties and you really want to have a family, you may be extremely attracted to your girlfriend, but if she does not want children it’s not going to work. Or if you need monogamy and your partner needs an open relationship, your opposing desires for safety and freedom are not aligned.

You are pulling in opposite directions.

Or if your dream is to live and work in a cosmopolitan city, and your partner is miserable unless they are in the bush, the attraction will likely lessen under the strain of the non-alignment. Compromises can be made, but it’s not easy when they are big ones. But the plus is that you can discover new things through your partner.

In a work team, it is often more invigorating to have different points of view. But only when you are all aligned in service to a common goal or project.

Friendships can drift apart when not bound by a common interest, location, political leanings, shared sports, life-styles. Sometimes though, the heart alignment is stronger than these factors and the friendship endures all kinds of changes.

In intimate relationships an alignment of your sexual flavours and preferences makes it easier to flow together in love making. If one partner is very light and romantic and the other is more kinky and darker this can be fearful for one and boring for the other.

When we are authentic others can trust us

3. Authenticity creates trust, an essential for all good and strong relationships, intimate or otherwise. Being real and essentially yourself is being authentic. When we are authentic others can trust us because we do not have secrets or hidden motives. We are not projecting false identities over our true essence, or manipulating to get love and attention. We are vulnerable in the best kind of way.

If we commit to another from our authentic selves we will naturally keep our commitments and follow through. This builds the trust, which creates a container for attraction and love to grow and flourish. Authenticity is not about forcing our ‘truth’ onto another or being ‘honest’ in a way that hurts others unnecessarily. It is being true to ourselves and living love to others.

Authenticity is exciting, an aphrodisiac. It can bring back lost attraction or make it very clear if its not going to work.

If you are not able to be your authentic self in a relationship that is not healthy and needs to change.

Small amounts of awareness can go a long way

And there is a 4th A, the overarching aspect of Awareness. Connecting to lightness, humour, sacredness and ease. Small amounts of awareness can go a long way in our human stumbling towards love. No one is perfect, much less ourselves.

How are you doing with the 3 Traits of great relationships?

Are you showing and relishing your own attractiveness, or hiding it away? Are you trying to be attractive on the outside as a compensation to feeling not so attractive inside? Are you trusting and following your true attractions and desires in all your relationships? If not, why not?

Are you in acting in alignment with your own values and dreams? Do you recognise that getting involved with someone without enough alignment will lead to suffering? What will you compromise to be loved? Why?

Is authenticity something you welcome or fear? Are you a trustable person to be with because you are in touch with yourself and willing to risk being authentic with others? Do you let love in by being vulnerable? If not, are you working on it?

……And there is a  quiet 4th A  – Awareness – we can all keep evolving and doing our own work to increase our awareness in growth and consciousness. This positively impacts all our relationships.

Where coaching comes in

Cynthia

The post The 3 A’s of great relationships appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

The polarity between masculine and feminine energies is what creates magnetic attraction and erotic connection between people. That can happen with a stranger, where there may be no love at all. When you have Polarity + Love you have a potent mix of desire and connection. Love provides the trust and the alignment, while polarity provides the desire and the thrill of the unknown.

This difference between masculine and feminine essence is also the source of much modern angst, spawning countless internet memes, comedy skits and lots of advice (mine included). They really are different modes – She is the flowing, feeling ever changing part of us, relating focused.  He is the solid, non-changing aspect that is mission focused.

Many people, whether in a relationship or dating, decide to just give up on polarity and opt for ‘sameness’. This brings harmony, but not passion. Often they had the passion at the beginning of their relationship, but it has waned over time. It does that mostly because of familiarity and merging, which can feel good, but it erodes the sense of the erotic other. And looking outside your relationship to find that can lead to mistrust and breakups.

It can seem safer to be more neutralised and blurred in our relationships, more companionable, but we can be equal and different. Polarity + Love is achievable. To me there is great value in having both. When trust is there, when love is the compass, the polarity goes much deeper.

For years I have been exploring the ways to increase both these powerful forces. And you can too. But firstly we must see the value of putting in the work to create it, whether in a relationship or looking for one. In the disrupted times we are living in, the solidity of a relationship that includes both of these elements is grounding, reassuring and productive.

We mostly don’t have the same traditional roles of the past, and that’s a good thing to be free of stereotyped roles, but we still have the desire to have desire!

And we always want to love and be loved, in our own way.

With love,

Cynthia

Reading about polarity is one thing, feeling it is another. In a one-on-one or couples session with Cynthia Connop, you’ll learn how to embody these dynamics in daily life. Explore sessions here.

The post Polarity + Love appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Sacred sexuality is a different approach to lovemaking . Comparing it to ordinary sex is like comparing junk food with gourmet. But many of us are not shown the path to sacred sex, or we think it’s not for ordinary relationships. We can make it more complicated than it needs to be.

Sacred sex, or tantric sex, is a deeply connected, relaxed, and beautiful experience. Imagine embracing the waves of sexual energy – both the highs and the lows – enjoying the “valleys” that ebb and flow instead of focusing solely on building up and up to the “peaks” of orgasm, ejaculation and release. This approach nurtures deep connection, more pleasure and brings joy and energy into everyday life.

Non-goal-oriented sex offers an antidote to the unrealistic expectations fostered by society’s performance-driven intimacy. By being present, sensitive to touch, and open to love, sacred sexuality deepens the bond with a partner. It also invites you to ride the waves of divine energy and immerse yourself in the present moment.

On the sacred sex journey you may experience multiple or whole-body orgasms, explore fantasies and kinks, and express a range of energies, from gentle and sweet to ravishing and wild. You can sense the divine in this form of lovemaking, and it deeply improves intimate relationships. Connection is the central most important thing in sacred sexuality.

In my research and experience, sex and love can bring up strong feelings and experiences. Not all are pleasurable, and old wounds and insecurities can arise. Sacred sexuality integrates all aspects of being—love and presence, emotions, sensations and vulnerabilities. By slowing down, being authentic, breathing deeply, and taking time, we can experience tremendous pleasure, heal some past traumas, and create deep, meaningful connection. Sacred union also allows the natural polarity of masculine and feminine energies to express themselves organically.

The Path to Having Sacred Sex: Solo or Partnered

1. Set Aside Time: Make intentional time for lovemaking without distractions. Even if it’s once a week it will make a difference. Gourmet sex, like a gourmet meal, takes time to savour and enjoy. Also, she generally needs more time than him to get fully aroused.
2. Create a Sacred Space: Design a beautiful, simple, sensual, private and erotic environment. Or just light a scented candle and turn off your phones if that’s all you have time to do.
3. Eye gazing: During lovemaking softly maintain eye contact to dissolve the sense of separateness. Come back to it again and again.
4. Breathe Deeply: Take some full, deep breaths occasionally to anchor yourself in the moment and spread the erotic energy through your whole body not just focused in erotic zones.
5. Synchronize Breathing: If partnered, gently match your breath with your partner’s and feel the oneness.
6. Heart Connection: Place your right hand on your partner’s heart centre and your left hand on your belly. If solo, place your hands on your own belly and heart. Breathe fully and deeply.
7. Go Slow: Don’t be in a rush to take it anywhere, rather let the bodies have their own wisdom. Let the energy guide you. Move slowly, then allow the passion to flow naturally. Pause often to stay connected to yourself, your partner, and the divine current.
8. Feelings: Welcome feelings and emotions as part of the experience, you don’t have to understand or solve them, let them be there and breathe, relax and they will move through you, opening the door to deeper pleasure and closeness.
9. Feedback and debrief: It’s ok to gently talk or journal about your experiences – keep it to “I” statements, they are easier to hear. We can all improve.

The Polarity of Masculine and Feminine Energies
Sacred sexuality embraces the polarity of masculine and feminine energies. The union of Presence and Love is a natural and exquisite experience.

The magnetism is expressed in many ways and this is an overview: the masculine sex centre is a positive pole (penetrative), while the feminine sex centre is a negative pole (receptive). The feminine heart centre is a positive pole (penetrative) and the masculine heart centre is a negative pole (receptive). This creates a circuit of energy.

For example, a loving and penetrative penis can awaken the feminine sexuality and send energy upward into her heart. Her awakened heart, in turn, energizes the masculine heart, completing the circuit by sending energy back to his sex centre. When both partners are attuned, this flow occurs naturally and profoundly. He enters sacred sexuality through the sex centre and she enters it through he heart.

This is why expecting the masculine to only be in the heart centre or Love, or the feminine to only be in the sex centre or Sex doesn’t work.

Reflection and Integrity
Reflect for yourself: What excites you about sacred sexuality? What fears or hesitations do you have?

As you deepen your practice of sacred sexuality, your personal power grows. It is essential to pair this growth with integrity, using these energies wisely and always in service of love.

Sacred sexuality is a journey toward profound transformation. You may need help to move in this direction, don’t be afraid to reach out to attend a workshop or do sessions.

Love

Cynthia

The post The Path to Sacred Sex appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Everyday miracles for couples means that by infusing our day to day lives with love and a spark of attraction, things may still be tense, stressful or downright tough, but the flame that you are nurturing between you is real and even magical. When we first fall in love with the ‘other’ there is often a period of grace where we feel this flame naturally as a magnetic attraction, but sustaining it through the years requires learning and cultivating the art of loving. And we don’t get a lot of help for how to do that.

I often hear women say “He just wants sex and I want the emotional connection first.” Without realising that for him the emotional connection comes through sex. Both want the same thing but have different pathways to get there. No way is right or better, when they work together is the best.

The current social trend of neutrality between the sexes supports a necessary push for greater equality, but it can deny our deeper desires for feminine and masculine interplay. Imagine a culture of recognition and encouragement of both the feminine and masculine, synergistically combining our different powers to create an expansion of life and love.

However, it’s common for couples to struggle with these differences, either by resisting this interplay or by settling into a more “friend” state of being, such as being housemates or co-parenting, instead of embracing their deeper sacred polarity. Misunderstandings, past hurts, broken expectations can play a part in diminishing the flame. Here are some tips for Everyday Miracles for couples to help reorient your relationship.

Understanding and Embracing Polarity

1. Appreciate Your Differences: Understand that the essence of masculine and feminine brings a vital dynamic to your relationship known as magnetic polarity. These differences can fuel passion and enhance love when embraced positively. We are not the same. You don’t want him to be like a girlfriend or her to be like a mate, not really.
2. Support Each Other’s Needs: Recognize and support each other’s unique needs and desires. For instance, when a feminine partner supports the masculine’s need for freedom and purpose, it enriches his ability to provide and protect. Conversely, a masculine partner should support the feminine’s need for emotional expression and creativity. These are not exclusive and can change at different times in our lives, but usually we have more of one essence than the other.

Cultivating Time and Space

3. Make Time for Individual Growth: In our busy lives, it’s crucial for each partner to have time to nourish their own essence. Encourage and support each other to engage in activities that resonate with their nature—whether it’s time alone or with same sex groups. Or pursuing a passion. We don’t have to share everything as then we have nothing fresh to bring to the relationship. We need the treasures of our unique selves to give to the other.
4. Prioritize Your Relationship Wellness: Regularly commit to activities that nurture your relationship in deeper connection and intimacy, such as couple’s therapy or counselling. Making time to be alone together is necessary, even if it feels scary.  This commitment can strengthen communication, and prevent misunderstandings that limit the love that flows between you. Date nights should be scheduled in and aimed to have fun, not for discussing issues or family matters. Be adventurous together.

Enhancing Connection and Intimacy

5. Communicate Openly: We are communicating all the time, in verbal and non-verbal ways. And some of that is less than masterful. Find out how to listen and speak and give from your heart, even when you down feel like it. This helps in expressing love and resolving conflicts. Seek to understand rather than blame and you will be surprised at what can open up between you. Vulnerable “confession” is sexy.
6. Engage in Sexual and Spiritual Exploration: Celebrate your union by engaging in activities that deepen your sexual and spiritual connections. This could include sexual play, tantra, meditation, or simply exploring new experiences together. The masculine tends to connect through sexual closeness and the feminine tends to connect through emotional closeness, so both are needed.
7. Honor and Appreciate Each Other: Regularly take time to express appreciation for each other. Celebrate both the feminine and masculine qualities in your partner, recognising the unique contributions they bring to your relationship. Spend a few minutes a day telling each other what you appreciated about each other in the last 24 hours is a good way to start. If we think it but don’t say it, it doesn’t count.

Regular Practices for a Healthy Relationship

8. Set Aside Quality Time: Life can get hectic, and relationships may be put on the back burner. Make a deliberate effort to set aside quality time to just be together, away from the routines of daily life. This will infuse the everyday with your unique love.
9. Practice Connection Rituals: Engage in rituals that foster connection, such as date nights (or days), holidays away, doing breathing exercises together, or simply holding space for each other to share thoughts and feelings without judgment. Find out what works and do more of it.
10. Seek Professional Guidance When Needed: Don’t hesitate to seek help through therapy or coaching to address and resolve underlying issues. This is a proactive way to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.

By integrating these practices, couples can experience everyday miracles and keep their attraction, intimacy & love flourishing. And enhancing both their personal growth and their growth as a couple.

with love,

Cynthia

The post Everyday Miracles for Couples appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

In intimate relationships, things can go wrong for a variety of reasons, including poor communication (why can’t they just listen!), lack of trust (he never changes), infidelity (she betrayed me) and differences in values or goals. These problems can lead to feelings of hurt, frustration, and resentment, and the resulting struggles can cause the deterioration of the relationship. Transforming intimacy: from struggles to love is a fulfilling part of the work I do.

Intimacy struggles

In my workshops and sessions, I often see how personal issues, fears, and doubts can also play a role in the breakdown of relationships, as people may habitually protect themselves from opening their hearts to others, restricting the flow of love and creating patterns of pain. And so it goes around.

In intimate relationships most partners have different levels of masculine and feminine essence, which can be challenging. For example, a more masculine partner may have difficulty understanding or accepting a more feminine partner’s emotional expression and needs, while a more feminine partner may feel unsupported or dismissed by a more masculine partner.

I find that many intimacy struggles resolve when we understand the masculine and feminine dynamics at play.

Those with a more feminine essence can often have protection and wariness from past hurts and disappointments in relationships, leading to feelings of not being enough or becoming overly critical as a way of self-protection. Their partner is ‘not loving them in the right way’. They may unconsciously believe that by not being vulnerable, or numbing their feelings, they will be safer. But vulnerability (with a trusted partner) is a primary receptive energy that draws the masculine into a love relationship.

On the other hand, those with a more masculine essence may be wary of commitment and concerned about the lack of freedom in relationships but have a deep need to be met by the feminine. They are not connected yet to the depth of freedom they already are inside themselves. They can be in doubt about their masculine energy and may become a ‘pleaser’ lost and disconnected from his own core or be rejecting and dismissive as a means of self-protection.

From Struggles to Love

To improve the relationship, it is helpful for both partners to connect to their own core essence and respect and delight in each other’s differences. Seeking counselling can be beneficial. Additionally, workshops and sessions such as Living Love offers can help transform these issues.

When the feminine honours her own love and beauty, then she relates to herself and to the masculine from a very different place. She stands for herself, trusting and allowing her flow of feeling and vulnerability. Fierceness, tears and deep yearning may be felt and expressed as part of her love. This is very healing for her, to be real and to open to being loved by the masculine as she is. In her feminine essence, vulnerable, alive, powerful, loving. And as she experiences the masculine meeting her, encouraging her in her full flow of energy, she opens and grounds into more of who she really is.

For the masculine there is the relief and delight of meeting the loving feminine heart and body. He is directly enlivened by her open feminine energy.  Now he wants to listen! Real-time embodied loving feedback from her gives him the right amount of challenge to adjust and deepen himself. He becomes more trustable and starts getting different responses from the feminine. He tastes and develops the freedom in his being and how to deepen that within commitment and responsibility. Gaining clarity on his life purpose helps him enormously. He experiences polarity with the feminine that is wild and free, with deep integrity.

And when one’s essence is strengthened, the core of an issue reveals itself. Whether it is a communication issue or a sexual imbalance or a lack of trust it starts to come right. You can solve it much more easily in this depth of strength and vulnerability, in the energetic dance of the loving masculine and feminine.

We are not taught how to do this reorientation and it is not something we can always achieve on our own. It is not our fault, more the lack of transmitted wisdom in the art of intimacy.

with love

Cynthia

The post Intimacy: from Struggles to Love appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Christmas holidays are coming up and for many people it’s a time for family, friends, parties or just having a quiet break to restore and recharge after a busy year. Why not use this time to reignite your intimate life, whether you are single or partnered? Here are 5 Tips for Your Intimacy recharge.

Our sexual energy and intimacy are natural and beautiful aspects of our human life. Sadly, if sex and/or intimacy becomes difficult, or a source of conflict or shame we start avoiding it, finding excuses to do other things. “I’m way too busy to go on dates”.  “I’m just too tired to have sex”. “They are not so attractive to me anymore.” “I have family staying and need to look after them”. “It’s school holidays…”

Many of these excuses are really protection from past hurts and disappointments, or not knowing what to do to improve your intimacy.

For couples who are together for many years, it is common for the sexual spark to lessen. There can be deep love, but things can get very functional, and you can start to drift apart. As hard as it can be to face, it’s worth prioritizing a pathway back to that wonderful closeness and passion.

Many singles are happy with their full lives, so the effort and time needed to start a new relationship can be daunting. Or deep-down there is discouragement which creates cynicism. Be honest about what you really want and align your actions with that. Don’t wait for love.

What do you do to cultivate intimacy in your life?

Here are 5 Tips that will help you recharge your intimacy:

1. First up

Couples: Plan regular time slots just for you two, no matter how busy you are. Put it in the calendar and guard it fiercely. Because you do matter. Make some of this time where you are in a private comfortable space and can lie down and bring your bodies together, whether sexually or just touching and breathing gently together. Reconnect, with little talking, more feeling. Check in afterwards with other.

Take a risk with some silly sex play… dressing up, new places to make love or go on dates, whatever feels good. Laugh.

Singles: This is a great time to meet new people as many singles are on holidays and wanting to connect. But do you have space for that to happen? If you are into online dating, go search, click, swipe, whatever and make coffee dates. If not online dating take time to be where people can see you and approach you. Ask your friends to look out for you and make introductions.

2. Release the armour

Let go of body tensions, stiffness and soreness with massage, stretching, yoga, summer swims etc. This destressing makes you more alive and relaxed and you can bring this to your intimacy and connection. Without your body “armour” you will feel more open and ready for love. Do it at the beginning of your holiday if you can.

3. Goodbyes

As the year ends, it’s a good time to reflect on what’s ending for you and create space for new intimacy in your life. No forcing, just acknowledging what you are letting go of, what has come full cycle, and let it dissolve. With your favourite drink late at night or on your yoga mat at dawn – make some notes and feel it. And the space that opens as a result.

4. Dream and discover 

Spend some quality time alone to nurture your own essence. Connection with yourself becomes the offering to your partner or future partner. Get to know what you truly want and are ready to give. What are your fears? Listen to your dreams, meditate, journal, share, dance it out, whatever your method of reflection and strengthening the channel to your inner world. Surprise your beloveds, take some sexy risks when appropriate. Get ready for the new year to come.

5. Rsvp please!

Be fearless about your invitation into intimacy. Be open to others invitation too. This may be a partner, friends or family. People who are coming together for connection and fun can also go home feeling their intimate lives have been enriched.

love

Cynthia

.

The post 5 Tips for Your Intimacy Recharge  appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Often the push & pull of attraction is seen and mirrored in the body, in our body language, our presence. We do things that attract people or push them away.

The dance of attraction between two people has many components but one that I often see is in the space between a couple. It can be as simple as he is leaning too far into her space and she finds herself pulling away.

If he can notice what he is doing and come back into himself more, grounding with his body and deepening his breath, being present, then she finds herself relieved of ‘pressure’ and can relax. In that relaxation she will start to lean towards him. He is no longer turning her off. This is a sign she is opening and ready for him to come towards her. She will then welcome him in, unless other big trust factors at at play.

Can he wait long enough for her to trust he is not going to lean in towards her too soon? One man told me about a date with a woman he liked, they were sitting side by side chatting, having a drink, and he didn’t move towards her at all for two hours until he felt her soften and slightly lean towards him. He was present and attentive and kept his breath even and relaxed, staying in his own space until then. Some men may have got impatient and moved in anyway thinking they needed to take the initiative, or withdrawn in disappointment thinking she wasn’t keen.

This applies in long term relationships too. Often in a couple he ends up chasing her and then being rejected, whether in an overt or subtle manner, and then after a while he just doesn’t know what to do anymore and gives up.

The good news is the masculine can learn how to be sensitive to this energy dynamic. Small changes can make a big difference. The same thing applies in love making, when he is waiting with presence until she draws him towards her with desire, then he can happily move in more. It’s not a passive waiting but rather being present to her subtle energetic shifts in response to his own.

There may be unconscious psychological factors at play also, and these will be felt as the space changes between the partners. If she never leans towards him no matter how present and spacious he is, then it may not be right.

It can go the other way too, where she is leaning into his space, pushing hard to make the connection work and losing her receptivity to him in the process. Perhaps she is afraid of rejection or abandonment so she tries so hard. I am not talking about healthy feminine wisdom and initiative here but an energetic pushing that doesn’t work. She becomes resentful and exhausted and he feels a lack of freedom with no room for him to come forward.

Bodily we may see her frowning, leaning over, pushing into his space with urgency and sometimes blame, while he switches off. We see this is dating and in relationships, where she tries too hard and even though he may be attracted to her, he is pushed away and he never has to step up, there is no challenge, he loses interest.

The good news is she can learn how to stop working so hard for love, connect to her breath and her heart, feel the fear underlying her pushing and receive him. If she does that and over time he doesn’t deepen and guide the relationship forward then she will know he is not right for her.  

And if he sees her trying too hard he can reassure her that he is there, show her by his actions that she can let-go of “rowing the a boat of the relationship” and trust him to pick up the oars too.

I have seen these adjustments change the attraction within a relationship from almost non-existent to sparking! And in dating people these changes can allow the energy to move forward.

These are just two examples of the push & pull of attraction and intimacy. Being aware of the subtle ways our bodies, our energy and breath can help trust and love to flourish is essential.

love

Cynthia

P.S. Whenever you’re ready, here are 2 ways I can help you:

1. Like to come to our Attraction Intimacy & Love Workshop? Find out more

2. If you want to work with me privately see more info on my sessions here. 

The post Push & Pull of Attraction appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Early on in my adult life I experienced some slow, sacred lovemaking, without knowing or defining it as sacred sexuality or tantra. I just felt that I entered into a transcendental energy. Years later it was spiritual teacher Osho that introduced me to the concept of tantra as an ancient philosophy and a spiritual path, the essence of which can be found in the Hindu religion, also in Tibetan Buddhism, and Taoism.

Originating around the 6th century, one core aspect of tantric philosophy is non-dualism, or the idea that everything is divine. Unlike many traditional religions or renunciate paths, tantra teaches that body and spirit are not separate. That the everyday world is not separate from the divine, but rather full of light. It is a life positive philosophy which encourages us to embrace everything and live life totally. This way the ecstatic reality of life reveals itself.

The body thus becomes a temple and a vehicle for transformation. Breath, yoga, diet, meditation, rituals and sexuality are part of traditional tantric spiritual practice, when done with the right intention.

Tantra is also generally about transformation in an all-inclusive way. Unknown to me I was already on this path.  Even when I struggled with fears or self-doubt, I had an intrinsic knowing that the divine was in all things. I couldn’t always unlock the code, but I had a yes to my direct experience. And that included sexuality.

 ……………

Sexual energy is procreation – fertility creates life. In some ancient cultures sexuality was revered as sacred for this reason alone.

Sexual energy is recreation – it potentially creates pleasure, satisfaction, and connection. A level of fulfilment can be gained.

Sexual energy is elevation – it potentially creates sacred union and enlightenment. A spirituality grounded in the body, not detached, but embodied. Sex as prayer, worship, oneness with the divine, with spirit. Tantric devotees believe sex can open doors to a state of enlightenment. If that is what one is seeking.

……………

My friend Ken and I went to art school together in Melbourne and shared an interest in conceptual art and Tibetan Buddhism. One day Ken gave me a book he had just read on tantra, and he loved it. It was ‘Only One Sky’ by Osho.

Starting the book late one afternoon, I stayed awake all night reading it. I felt I was receiving a direct transmission of truth through the book into my body. My awareness expanded and the idea of a deep celebration of life entered me.

I could feel a softer energy in my heart too. This awakening led me down a path of many years of devotion, relationships, and spiritual exploration. My partner and I were following Osho, and among other things attempting to let go of our sexual repressions. It didn’t mean we had an easy relationship all the time, but it was alive and rich.

Later we were also introduced to the teachings of an Australian spiritual guru, Barry Long. His approach to making love recommended non-orgasmic sex, with little or no foreplay, no imagination or emotions! The main sexual activity would be the penetration of a loving penis into a receptive vagina. According to Barry this would bring much needed masculine, noble love into the woman, and she would be healed from past sexual trauma with unconscious men, and release her love.

To me, Barry Long’s teachings on sexual union were fascinating, but they also seemed repressive, over the top,  and not inclusive of other sexual preferences. But I also felt that he was pointing to something deep in the sexual union. Our love making this way slowed everything down and allowed me to feel the valleys of sexuality, the waves of energy that ebb and flow. It brought deeper connection and more energy for our every day life. I would later move away from this type of tantra, but then it was helpful medicine.

In the West we have had several decades of neo-tantra which focuses mainly on the sexual aspect of tantra.* I was fortunate to meet the pioneers of neo-tantra in the early 90’s while producing and directing the movie Sacred Sex. This was exciting and eye-opening as they came from different backgrounds, from Osho disciples to an ex-porn star to traditional Indian tantrikas. I learnt a lot.

Meeting David Deida in the late 90’s expanded me personally and broadened my ideas of what could be included in relationship and sacred sexuality. There was a sense of coming home again. Coming home to my feminine essence, to being the love light, and living it in relation to the masculine. And the knowing that sacred sexuality can include foreplay, orgasms, kinks, and the expression of different energies from gentle to ravishing. Deida is a brilliant author and teacher and again I had an opportunity to further absorb his wisdom through making the video Sex Spirit Love.

My own experience over the years is that sacred sexuality is about integration of all that is, all that arises. Sex and love can bring up strong feelings and experiences. By taking time, slowing down, being vulnerable and authentic, breathing fully, we can integrate past traumas and negative experiences, and connect deeply with the other. And the natural polarity of masculine and feminine expresses itself in sacred union.

Today the idea of non-goal orientated sex is an antidote to the false expectations of pornography and performance sex. Being mindful in the moment, sensitive to touch, open to love, enjoying a deeper connection with your lover. Riding the waves of the divine current.

Sacred sexuality – solo or partnered – helpful beginnings

1.     Make time for lovemaking
2.     Create a sacred space – beautiful, simple, sensual, private, erotic
3.     Breath fully and deeply
4.     Synchronise your breath with your partner if you are with one and have prolonged eye contact – dissolve the separate selves
5.     Place your right hand on the others heart center, left hand on your own belly. Hands on your own belly and heart if solo. Breathe fully
6.     Deep slow kissing and whole body touching of yourself or the other if partnered
7.     Go slow with the love making until the energy moves you to go faster. Slow down often, staying closely connected to self, the other and the current of the universe. Let your passion flow.

Polarity of Masculine and Feminine in sacred sexuality

One aspect of polarity is that the Masculine sex centre and feminine heart centre are both positive poles (penetrative). Her sex centre and his heart centre are negative poles (receptive). This can create a circuit of energy between a couple. He can awaken her sexuality with a loving, penetrative penis, sending this energy up into her heart. Then she she can awaken his heart further with her loving heart. This energy then drops into his sex centre. And the circuit continues.

If we go quiet enough when connected, you can notice this is a natural flow.

Reflect for yourself – what scares you about sacred sexuality?  And what excites you?

Love

Cynthia
*When we practise sacred sexuality our personal power increases, and it is essential that our integrity increases too. We need to use these energies wisely and for the sake of love. 

The post Sacred Sexuality appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

The Language of Love

Below I explore the Language of Love through the lens of the 3 Stages of Love. (You can check that out or read on). In each stage we can attempt to connect with another person deeply and intimately, with more or less success. With practice we may evolve through the stages. Or often we find ourselves moving between them, likes a game of snakes and ladders.

First Stage – Struggle

Do you know that feeling where you are stuck in an argument, you don’t agree and you don’t want to give in?  In the first stage we sense ourselves to be separate individuals with our own needs and desires, our own fixed viewpoints and opinions. Our attention is on that self.

In relationship this often leads to conflicts and arguments. The differences between people can trigger a need to control, or win, dominate. Couples mainly in the first stage can constantly fight, blame and criticise each other. Fighting that goes round and round without resolving anything. Or if they are not fighting there is withholding, stone-walling or cold-shouldering. There can also be a repression of feelings, so as not to rock the boat and threaten the relationship.

We can get easily lost in our past childhood fears and patterns in the first stage. The present moment unconsciously takes us back to when we were abandoned by a parent or bullied at school for example. Our partner simply makes a remark, or looks a certain way, or expresses an opinion and suddenly we are having a huge reaction. We are expecting the worse, wired for threat and ultimately this threatens the relationship and causes what we are afraid of to indeed happen.

Even with good intentions it often feels impossible to communicate as each person ricochets off the other, until they are so tired they stop for a while, until the next trigger starts it all up again.

It is stressful but in the first stage there can be lots of polarity and passion. Also, jealousy and possessiveness. Sometimes with good ‘make-up sex’ fuelling the fire. We can get addicted to this type of relationship communication.

Reflect on – What do you get triggered into and how do you react? 

 Second Stage – Harmony

In second stage we developed more tolerance, more spaciousness for the other to exist as a separate person with their views and needs. Through doing our own inner work via therapy, body work, trainings, meditations etc we become more aware of what’s going on within ourselves. We can breathe deeply, pause and ‘self-soothe’ in confronting situations. We don’t take everything so personally. And we are able to validate the others point of view without needing to agree with them, or feel that we have to fulfil their needs all the time. Consequently we have more empathy.

The second stage ability to listen and respond rather than having knee jerk reaction is invaluable. We are able to share with vulnerability and authenticity. Both people feel more heard and understood.

The personal awareness of our own patterns and triggers from our past experiences and beliefs is very helpful. We can now see that our reactions are not just about what the other person is doing or not doing. We can let go of judgements and the need to be right.

Being able to hold space for the other person to have their own individual reality creates closeness and trust. To really build safety and trust in a relationship we need the ability to operate in the second stage.

Reflect on – What do you need to do to have more skills in this stage?

Third stage – Bliss

We need second stage skills to move forward to third stage. But second stage can also be a bit deadening because this type of communication often involves a lot of talking, which may relieve conflict and tension but at the cost of passion and polarity.

In the third stage you can build on both first and second stages. Use the passion of first stage but make sure if you fight that you fight fair. Don’t bring up the past or criticise the other person. Rather enjoy the energy of this fiery encounter. Happy relationships include some conflict and fighting, but not the destructive sort.

Also use the skills of second stage – you have built the trust and you know each other’s triggers and fears, you know how to support each other. From this trust you can safely take some risks.

Third stage communication includes both Masculine and Feminine  Language of Love modes. In the third stage he wants to communicate his presence, worth and trustability. She wants to be seen, share her love and shine her radiant light.

The masculine often shows his love by helping others, which can lead to him trying to ‘fix’ her, to resolve her problems, to stop her feelings (as they would be very uncomfortable for him to experience himself). She dislikes being fixed, and suffers when he offers solutions too quickly. She wants to express herself and let her feelings flow, in the spaciousness of his love.

He also doesn’t want her to try and fix him. He wants her to trust him to resolve his own problems or issues and love him anyway. Sometimes he wants her wisdom, and he will ask for that.

Look for what is the intention of the other person? Seek to understand. His problem-solving attitude is his way of showing love. Her showing him her feelings is her way of saying I trust you enough to reveal myself.

Breathe and feel through all the display of your fears, personality, ego and touch each other’s heart, body and spirit. Locate the magical field of love that we are all swimming in, and that we can give and receive.

In the third stage there is more of the blissful union of opposites. As she trusts him more, and he loves her more, there is less need to work out the problems. When you are open to love and spirit it is so much easier to sort out issues and come to meaningful agreements.

Now you can each give each other your gifts of communication. They may be verbal or without words.  Appreciation, joy, movement, humour and kindness are a priority. His presence and awareness, her full bodied love and intuition heighten sexuality.

Reflect on – What do you have to offer in the third stage language of love?

The language of love can take work but ultimately it is worth it.

Love

Cynthia

The post The Language of Love appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.