The 3A’s  of great relationships – Attraction, Alignment and Authenticity are the three essential ingredients for great relationships, friendships and collaborations. Remove one of these ingredients and it just doesn’t quite work.

An energetic pull that draws you together

1. Attraction is central to all our relationships. There is sexual attraction with our intimate partners, the spark of masculine and feminine opposites. In dating we simply want to see someone again. In friendships we like someone, we are drawn to them. At work, we have colleagues we prefer to be with, teams we want to be part of, a culture or creativity that attract us. Here we thrive. Even our pets are likable, lovable or just quirkily attractive to us.

Trying to be in an intimate relationship without attraction is a forced affair. It is a struggle that never fully goes away. There may be a huge amount of love, but if attraction is absent, it devolves more into companionship.

And I’m not just talking about physical attraction, but an energetic pull that draws you together, often in spite of physical preferences. ‘He’s not my usual type but I just want to be around him…’

Attraction in intimacy will ebb and flow over time, but how much depends on your commitment to keeping passion and love alive. As one of the 3 Traits of great relationships it is important!

Sharing core values and dreams

2. Alignment is also a major key to great relationships. If we are not sharing core values and dreams it is difficult to sustain an attraction. For example, if you are a man in your early forties and you really want to have a family, you may be extremely attracted to your girlfriend, but if she does not want children it’s not going to work. Or if you need monogamy and your partner needs an open relationship, your opposing desires for safety and freedom are not aligned.

You are pulling in opposite directions.

Or if your dream is to live and work in a cosmopolitan city, and your partner is miserable unless they are in the bush, the attraction will likely lessen under the strain of the non-alignment. Compromises can be made, but it’s not easy when they are big ones. But the plus is that you can discover new things through your partner.

In a work team, it is often more invigorating to have different points of view. But only when you are all aligned in service to a common goal or project.

Friendships can drift apart when not bound by a common interest, location, political leanings, shared sports, life-styles. Sometimes though, the heart alignment is stronger than these factors and the friendship endures all kinds of changes.

In intimate relationships an alignment of your sexual flavours and preferences makes it easier to flow together in love making. If one partner is very light and romantic and the other is more kinky and darker this can be fearful for one and boring for the other.

When we are authentic others can trust us

3. Authenticity creates trust, an essential for all good and strong relationships, intimate or otherwise. Being real and essentially yourself is being authentic. When we are authentic others can trust us because we do not have secrets or hidden motives. We are not projecting false identities over our true essence, or manipulating to get love and attention. We are vulnerable in the best kind of way.

If we commit to another from our authentic selves we will naturally keep our commitments and follow through. This builds the trust, which creates a container for attraction and love to grow and flourish. Authenticity is not about forcing our ‘truth’ onto another or being ‘honest’ in a way that hurts others unnecessarily. It is being true to ourselves and living love to others.

Authenticity is exciting, an aphrodisiac. It can bring back lost attraction or make it very clear if its not going to work.

If you are not able to be your authentic self in a relationship that is not healthy and needs to change.

Small amounts of awareness can go a long way

And there is a 4th A, the overarching aspect of Awareness. Connecting to lightness, humour, sacredness and ease. Small amounts of awareness can go a long way in our human stumbling towards love. No one is perfect, much less ourselves.

How are you doing with the 3 Traits of great relationships?

Are you showing and relishing your own attractiveness, or hiding it away? Are you trying to be attractive on the outside as a compensation to feeling not so attractive inside? Are you trusting and following your true attractions and desires in all your relationships? If not, why not?

Are you in acting in alignment with your own values and dreams? Do you recognise that getting involved with someone without enough alignment will lead to suffering? What will you compromise to be loved? Why?

Is authenticity something you welcome or fear? Are you a trustable person to be with because you are in touch with yourself and willing to risk being authentic with others? Do you let love in by being vulnerable? If not, are you working on it?

……And there is a  quiet 4th A  – Awareness – we can all keep evolving and doing our own work to increase our awareness in growth and consciousness. This positively impacts all our relationships.

Where coaching comes in

Cynthia

The post The 3 A’s of great relationships appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

The real lover isn’t the version of you that’s trying to get it right. Also it’s not just the more confident, more open, more aware you.

The real lover is who you are when you feel safe enough to be fully yourself.

Do you feel safe to be fully you in relationship?
Do you trust that you’ll be appreciated and loved? Not just for your warmth and openness, but also for your sensitivity, your fear, the parts of you that hold back?

Many of us don’t realise how much we manage ourselves in relationship. We soften important boundaries. We adapt and try to be easier to love, less demanding, more contained. We’ve been hurt before.

Or we restrain our masculine intensity – our strength and direction. Or dilute our feminine flow of devotional love and feeling. We pull back from our full expressions of love and freedom.

I see this repeatedly in my work.

In dating, someone feels a genuine connection but holds back their interest or desire.  They don’t want to seem too much, too keen, too vulnerable. On the surface everything seems ok, friendly and harmonious, but something essential isn’t being revealed, and the connection slowly fades or goes into the ‘friend-zone’.

Anger is often repressed rather than expressed in longer-term relationships, Someone feels hurt or frustrated but stays quiet — not wanting to create conflict or seem unloving. The anger doesn’t disappear; it turns into distance, and intimacy slowly dies. I’m not at all advocating angry violence but making room for it as an emotion and finding ways to feel and embrace it safely.

When there isn’t enough safety, the body doesn’t open. It freezes, guards, withdraws, shuts down.
And when this happens over time, our capacity to give and receive love is limited. Our passion is diluted, our wild animal energy is nowhere to be found.

Then we start to wonder why the spark fades. Why we feel disconnected from ourselves and our relationships don’t go anywhere. Why connections that once felt alive start to deaden.

This isn’t a failure of intention or love. It’s often an unconscious response to not feeling safe enough to fully arrive.

The real lover emerges when the nervous system feels safe enough to stay open, present, and real. This is something that we can cultivate within ourselves, in small groups and with a beloved.

The real lover is able to be all of themselves, the gentle and wild, the light and the dark, the deep and the humorous. To be vulnerable and powerful. To offer their gifts in relationship, to be of value, to be free and loved.

Firstly we give ourselves permission to reveal more of ourselves. We discover who we really are. We trust to show ourselves in both ordinary and spiritual aspects. Secondly, we show up in our relationships and see what happens. It’s ok to take it slowly, after all you are exploring new ground. Thirdly, we also open to embrace the other’s realness and expression too. Life and love can become a wonderful exciting journey, and also rooted in everyday life.

This is the exploration at the heart of my work, and of the Attraction, Intimacy & Love Workshop – a space to meet yourself honestly in relationship, and to discover what becomes possible when you no longer have to hold yourself back.

Love,

Cynthia

The post The Real Lover appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Losing Myself to Find Myself

In my youth I had a natural radiance and embodied vitality. I call it the ‘free radiance’ of young women. In my reproductive years I was in my feminine prime; strong, free, sexually alive. As I traversed fifty and beyond, the hormonal wheels slowed down and the fertility cycle eventually ended. I, and many female friends and clients, faced an emotional and physical challenge and an identity shake-up; a reshaping of how I see myself. I had to let go of old identities and embrace new, fresh perspectives. To find the true essence of sexual maturity.

As fertility declines the body changes, especially for women, and that affects our sexuality to different degrees. It is almost impossible to be prepared for that. Fortunately, these changes happen gradually and we have time to integrate and adjust. I found that the youth focus of our culture and the lack of dissemination of elders’ sacred wisdom can have a debilitating effect on sex, intimacy and love over fifty.

New Vigour and Creativity Emerges

I wanted to lean into my spiritual experiences, to the collective wisdom and also listen to my body so that I could embrace this transition as a sacred doorway to greater spirituality and fulfillment. As I climbed ‘over the hill’, I contemplated that I was entering the fertile ‘valley’ of tantric spirituality.

Over a few years this change does settle down and a new vigour and creativity emerges. I was even relieved at being free of the hormonal ‘drama’, clearer about my own needs and boundaries. And more powerful. Some women report having less interest in sex, for others it is the opposite. Or the desire to have a different type of sex and intimacy.

Cultivate Your Spiritual Foundation – Know Thyself

That is when my lifelong habits and spiritual practices came to the fore. I was fortunate to have a background in personal growth and Tantra and while the menopause years were not easy, I knew and had practiced for many years shining love through my body. To the best of my ability. My years studying the work of David Deida, sexuality author and teacher, plus other guides and mentors, taught me that our ability to be radiant love and deeply present are not dependant on any idea of perfection.

Image: Timur Romanov on Unsplash

However, in the realms of love, sex and intimacy as doorways to the divine, we benefit from embodied daily practice when younger. I didn’t really understand that until later. Initially, I was attracted to this opening into the divine, and in my usual style, dived straight in. It has not always been an easy path to follow. Now I may not be as radiant or wrinkle free as the younger me, but I can be wiser, kinder and sexier – more tantric in my approach to life and love.

As a woman with a predominantly feminine essence, the practice is to flow, breathe fully, open my body, let go and locate love. Whatever our gender, we all have both feminine and masculine aspects. For the masculine, the practice is to become more fully present, free and deeply aware, through the whole body.

I discovered that while men over fifty do not have the same decline in fertility as women, they do have a gradual decline of testosterone and can experience less sexual desire and ability. Together with the changes that women are having, this can affect sexuality, intimacy and relationships. Sexuality is fundamental to the sacred union of masculine and feminine, but over fifty years of age and beyond, it may not look like sex as we once knew it.

For men and women there can be physical issues that might need medical support and guidance. There are treatments, hormones, creams and pills etc. to assist older people in maintaining a healthy and connected sex drive. And the good news is that aging also pushes us into a natural flow of slower, more spiritual sexuality and deeper connection.

Psychologically, letting go of self-judgment is also challenging as our bodies can feel like they have ‘betrayed’ us. They haven’t, but they are naturally changing. However, our ability to slow down, breathe and be more fully in our bodies can actually increase with age. We are more likely to have the time and the inclination to ‘drop in’, to let go.

The Tango – The Dance of Synchronicity

This general change in men brings them more in sync with women. And women have long been available for prolonged foreplay and slower, more varied love making. As we come off the sexual ‘peak’ we are able to explore more the heart connection and the sexual subtleties of the ‘valley’. The next stage of tango can begin.

If we are able to take the performance pressure off our sexuality it can lead to longer, more relaxed love making sessions. And, if necessary, more ‘outercourse’ than intercourse. The usual paradigm of foreplay, arousal, penetration and orgasm may be off the menu for some, which hopefully leads to exploring new territory. Whole body massage and arousal, a sense of playfulness, slowing down and being in the moment. If we don’t focus on the way it used to be, we can be open to how it can be Now.

As he ages, the masculine can find himself discovering more of his feminine side, not needing to lead and direct so often. The feminine can also find herself post menopause in a more direct and focused energy. We have both feminine and masculine energies, but most people identify more with one or the other. The feminine essence in any gender is motivated by the flow of love and feelings, relationships, connection, community. The masculine essence is drawn to mission and purpose, directing the flow of energy, free from emotions. The predominance of one or the other can change as we go through different stages of our lives, but especially as we get older and our hormones change.

This can be a good time for the masculine to relax and sink deeper, letting go of some of the ‘doing’ and move more into ‘being’. At the same time for a woman it can be a very empowering time. Free of her hormonal cycle she can create what she wants and enjoy her life and sexuality with abandon.

For me, connection is the ultimate key to sexuality, love and intimacy. This intimate communion is deepened by embracing any limitations and changes each person is going through. It requires a flexibility and self-acceptance that develops over time. There is no quick answer, but it is helpful to know that many are in the same boat. And there are new ways of being together that will surprise you with their intensity and joy. Finally, we can focus on what is really important – being as one, the divine union and the aliveness of spirit in the body.

Peaks and Valleys

We have tended to see the ‘peak’ as the ultimate goal, the desirable summit, full of adrenaline and discovery. But for myself as I grow older, there are still some peaks of course, but the treasures and the pleasures of the valley are more enticing.

I have been partnered and single in these years over fifty. And in both circumstances, I found it essential to keep my sexual energy alive and my heart open. The tools we can all use are varied and include emotional intelligence, movement, meditation, healthy lifestyle, self-pleasuring, deepening into your masculine and feminine essence, breath work, pelvic opening and self-inquiry.

I had to find courage to be honest about my own changes and needs. Being willing to find the loving way through, without giving up, develops closeness and resilience in relationships.  The rewards, if we push through that barrier, can be astounding; the intimate sharing and revelation of our vulnerabilities can unlock our hidden sacred depths. In the valley we find ourselves, each other and the pure union of togetherness and oneness.

I trust this article will support you in discovering the true essence of sexual maturity for you.

love

Cynthia

First published on Uplift Connect: https://upliftconnect.com/the-true-essence-of-sexual-maturity/

The post The True Essence of Sexual Maturity appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

With the current pandemic, we have restrictions on how we live and work. With the Easter holiday starting, these Coronavirus – Couples and singles tips for lockdown or isolation will be especially helpful.

FOR COUPLES

If you are a couple suddenly together in isolation then you may be running into some problems. Old patterns and conflicts resurfacing, sexual issues unresolved. In this crisis is an opportunity to find the deeper love and freedom between you, and create new possibilities.

We need space in intimate relationships to feel the pull of attraction, and that physical and emotional space is in short supply right now. Roles that were somewhat fixed are now all mixed up together. Partner, parent, lover, cook, carer, teacher – they no longer have defined space, and you have to be flexible. Having your own separate life and then meeting up at the end of the day has gone for many couples. We also need difference for attraction to happen.

Suddenly what was mildly irritating in your partner before, can be so frustrating at this time. Criticism and withdrawal, fighting and aggression can get amplified when stuck together in a tense, anxious time. Sexuality can diminish too. Boredom is a risk factor!

Disasters historically create more marriages and more divorces. Whatever is already present in the relationship is intensified. But there are small ways to make a big difference and improve, enhance your relationship. If  love and trust are your foundation, these tips will help.

What helps?

·      Take the time to know your own needs and communicate about them calmly and ongoingly. They will change. Listen to theirs and have space to receive their needs and wishes, even if you can’t fulfil them.

·      Sort out separate spaces in your house or apartment that are private, even if in the same room. An imaginary or real “do not disturb sign” is to be respected when in that space.  Deliberately spend time apart that is not just work time, or time with children.

·      Plan at least once a week, like Saturday night or Sunday morning to have time apart and then come together. (Put the kids in front of a fascinating movie if necessary.) Increase your masculine or feminine essence while apart, before you meet.

·      To cultivate feminine essence enjoy sensual, opening activities like a warm bath, a walk to open your senses (not just exercise), feel, dance, chat with friends. Practice surrender and flow.

·      To cultivate masculine essence be intentional, meditate, do a challenging workout, be online with men. Practice depth and direction.

·      Come together after this time alone and feel the polarity between you. Don’t try and pull them into your mode, enjoy the difference and offer love through your essence. This may be sensual, sexual or communing your way. Direction and surrender together creates polarity. The more the masculine one holds the container, the more the feminine one will relax. You can also play with swapping these energies and see what happens.

·      Sleeping alone occasionally increases polarity and attraction for many couples, but not if this feels too hard at this time.

·      Play, surprise, gift your partner. Be spontaneous. Fully dress up for a meal occasionally.

·      Offer a range of energies to each other, from light to dark, gentle to fierce, always through the heart to serve love. It is energising to dance and play with anger and frustration.

·      Give up the desire to be right. You may have very different views on the pandemic crisis and how it should be managed. Feel your heart and the heart of the other, beyond right and wrong. Choose love.

·      Know that many people are under the stress of difficult emotions. You are not responsible for what the other is feeling, and yet we are interconnected. Be compassionate but don’t be the rescuer. Rather empower them to work it out for themselves.

·  Do activities together that are bonding and blissful for both of you. Outdoor nature adventures where allowed, massage, playing silly games, sexually be adventurous. Don’t be together just for chores and admin or watching screens.

These Coronavirus – Couples and singles tips for lockdown –  are also good general wisdoms to follow at any time.

FOR SINGLES

If you are single, surprisingly the pandemic can be a very good opportunity to try new options, reset and reconnect with your vision for relationship.

The coronavirus regulations can be affecting you in very different ways. Some people are happily taking a break from dating and getting on with life. Others are yearning for relationship and envious of the couples who are physically close right now. Some are feeling sexually frustrated and unsure how long they can last alone. Couples who split up recently are dealing with strong grief as well as unfamiliar isolation.

If you relied on your community and friends for loving touch and connection, it is hard to replace, unless you are in a shared household. Virtual community is helpful, but it is not the same.

This is a potentially confusing time to be dating and looking for a partner or a lover. Do you have to resign yourself to being single and/or celibacy?

What helps?

·      If you have been reluctant to try online dating, or even given up on it, this is a chance to try it without too much commitment involved. Online dating starts as usual with winks and swipes and messages. Now instead of progressing into real life meetups, people are opting for virtual coffee dates and meals. The positive thing is that it gives you time to relax and build a connection. Also, to discern if the other person is right for you before the cascade of romance and sex hormones take over. One dating app has even created romantic backdrops for your virtual zoom dates!

·      A word of caution though – if you spend a lot of time building an online relationship as it provides good company during this time, you can find it falls apart when you do meet up physically. So, same as in real life, don’t put everything into the one connection until you are sure it’s what you want.

·      Deciding to take a deliberate break from dating can be an empowering option. Then you  can use the social isolation to prepare for future relationships by growing as much as possible.  A great time to reassess your vision for relationship, deal with your issues, raise your vibration and meet someone of a different calibre when isolation ends. What do you really need and want in an intimate relationship? And what will the person you want, be looking for?  If you are currently a ‘couch potato’ searching for an amazing god or goddess, will they be interested in you?

·      What would you like to master in your life? Having a new skill or creative expression, a fitness goal etc will be beneficial. Especially for the masculine essence a challenging goal will keep you digging deeper into focused awareness. This is a time to do that, to be fulfilling yourself and moving forward. What was your childhood dream?

·     Take lots of time to be outside if you can. Walking, swimming, bike riding etc. Waving, smiling, connecting with others at a distance all helps rise your spirits.

·     Loving touch can be self-given. Warm up some massage oil, or whatever you have at hand, and apply it with awareness and sensual touch, all over the body. Breathe and enjoy the sensations. If it feels sexual you can move into self-pleasuring.

·      Give from your unique sexual essence. It does not need to be given solely in a relationship. Others need your feminine radiance, love and feeling nature. Who can you shine on today? Or your masculine direction and guidance, your trustability. Who can you create safety for today?

…………………

Whatever our situation we have the freedom to respond with gratitude, openness and resilience. And it is essential to reach out for help if we need it at this time.

I hope these – Coronavirus – couples and singles tips for lockdown – make your time more passionate, loving and exciting.

with love

Cynthia

The post Coronavirus – Couples and singles tips for lockdown appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Most people want better sex, more sex or even ideal sex. Some people want less sex (than their partner does).

Sex is a big motivator in our lives. The desire for physical intimacy and real love is natural and ageless. When that is not happening fully to our satisfaction, or not at all, we start wondering what we can do about it?

There is an idea that if only we could be different, improve ourselves, change our ways, we will have more of what we want. If we are more attractive, confident, successful, friendly, sexy etc we will have better sex, more fulfilment, a better life. Even the idea that if we were spiritually evolved enough not to need something, then we could have it.

“We are busy working hard to not be somebody”

The problem with this way of thinking is that it is usually based on a lack of acceptance of some part of ourselves. We are busy working hard to not be somebody. To push away what we really think about ourselves. To counteract a hidden belief about our lack of worthiness, our ugliness, neediness, loneliness, stupidity, not fitting in etc. Usually we are not aware of these hidden beliefs and the activity we put over the top of them, which becomes automatic and driven. The effects of these masks can be devastating.

For example, if deep down we have a childhood belief we are ugly or not sexually attractive we become ripe fodder for marketers and salespeople. Why else would she risk her health, and her bank balance, even her life, to have a Brazilan Butt Lift for a bigger bum, or a labiaplasty for cosmetic purposes? It is our right to choose for our own body, and there is a case to be made for cosmetic surgery, but if the choice is coming from shame or unexamined beliefs it just may be unnecessary.

These are extreme and obvious examples and there are many more subtle ways we can be acting out. Putting in extra effort in relationships when its not needed. Being overly helpful, trying too hard or avoiding intimacy altogether. Doing all the ‘right’ things and wondering why it still doesn’t work.

This dynamic actually stops what we want from happening.

A woman thinking this way is not relaxed intimately or sexually because part of her energy is focused on making sure her partner does not find out who she ‘really is’.

“We become susceptible to imagined wrongs”

Similarly, if he believes that he is a failure, not good enough, he risks becoming a workaholic or a ‘success junkie’ to prove that is not the case. A workaholic at sex too, trying hard to please, to be a great lover, to even be a super stud or an evolved tantric lover. But not really present in the moment where all great sex happens.

If he believes he is not a ‘real’ man, that he is a fearful ‘coward’, he may even pick a fight or go to war and risk his life to prove that he is indeed a fearless warrior. Or he may need to dominate his partner at all times.

Making love with this energy running can be exhausting, there is no vulnerability, no place to rest and be. He can’t receive love.

Also, the potential for triggers is big, as anything that sets off the underlying belief is painful and unconscious. We become susceptible to imagined wrongs and slights. We become reactive and this creates the opposite of what we really want which is greater intimacy, better sex, a fulfilling life.

“Learning how to let go and relax into acceptance”

There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve and learn, but that should lead us to recognise these unconscious drives and our hidden beliefs. Ultimately, leading to letting go and relaxing into acceptance. Acceptance of who we are and what we think about ourselves. Acceptance of the other. Then we can decide what needs improving from a very different viewpoint. We can learn about the opposite sex or tantra because we want to, not because deep down we fear we are a failure and need to succeed at sex. We can enhance our attractiveness because it feels good, not because we really believe we are ugly. We can seek partners not because we are afraid of feeling lonely, but because we need and want a person to share our lives with.

These hidden beliefs are usually formed early on in life and are often a surprise when we discover them. Yet they seem familiar because we have been sensing them there in the background. What a relief when you can accept and relax into and beyond the idea you have about yourself.

“You are free to respond in the moment”

Imagine the scenario where you approach your partner to have sex and they say no. If you believe you are unattractive, you will think the worst and shut down, withdraw or go into coping strategies, even acting out with all kinds of dramatic behaviour or punishment. If you are aware of that belief and accept it, it loses its power. You are free to respond in the moment. Perhaps they are tired, sleepy, unwell or just not interested right then. You are free to be playful, seductive even or to relax until another time. Or to address underlying issues between the two of you that are causing the lack of intimacy.

Or an example for singles. Let’s say you meet someone new and you are attracted to them. But they don’t communicate in the way you need or like. If deep down, you think you are not a lovable person then you will immediately think they are not interested in you. Perhaps you even quiz them to see if they like you or have serious intentions.

Without this triggered response you are free to assess the situation, find out what’s really happening and respond. And sometimes it turns out they aren’t interested. Or they didn’t want to overwhelm you; they were sick, or so attracted to you they felt nervous.

It is scary to be on the other end of these beliefs. Pushing from these underlying identities is a turn off. We can recognise pretty quickly in others who they are resisting or not accepting in themselves. And rightly, we don’t want to take responsibility for that. We can be reassuring when we discover their hidden vulnerability, but trying to fix it for them is fruitless.

“This brings deep relaxation sexually, and in life”

Better sex is about being self-accepting and therefore being free from the compensating behaviours. It is not about becoming a better you based on the idea the real you is not ok.

This acceptance brings deep relaxation sexually, and in life. We can be in the moment, responsive to our own sensations and to our partners. Responsive to a future partner that we may be dating or looking to meet. Walls go down and authenticity is sexy. It brings our real, imperfect selves to the encounter. From there we can grow and learn and ask and be curious. There is a deeper trust in the self. You know what it is you are afraid to feel, afraid to reveal.

“Who am I not wanting to be?”

If you notice a tension, a driven quality then this can be a sign you have an underlying hidden belief. If you find things not moving in the right direction for you, even though you are exerting a lot of energy, this could be why.

Ask yourself, who am I not wanting to be? What is my wounded sense of self from childhood that hasn’t resolved and still has tentacles into the present?  No matter how much growth we have done, these hidden beliefs can pop up, or slowly rise to consciousness. Feel it in your body, welcome it in. Even if you are burning in shame say yes, as though you are discovering an old friend. Have ultimate compassion and appreciation for yourself in that moment.

As we accept ourselves without judgement in this way, as we go through it, we have the ah-ha moment. And the resulting relaxation flows into our sexuality, our relating, our friendships, our career, our ease of being.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

The post Better sex, better you? appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Once you understand the basic nature of masculine and feminine essences and polarity, it is much easier to activate sexual passion and sexual polarity now.  In 30 seconds, or a little longer, you can activate your own sexual essence, alone or with a partner. This is how to amplify your essence when you only have a few minutes to do so.

Solo – for Him – sexual polarity now

* set a courageous intention for your day and take one action towards it.
* breathe down into your lower body, full and deep. Front and back.
* connect to the earth through your feet and root yourself into the ground.
* eye gaze at yourself in the mirror, without moving.
* take a warrior stance that is powerful for you, and hold it while breathing deeply.

Solo – for Her – sexual polarity now

* lift your arms and make a sphere around your body with your hands in a light, flowing way.
* place your hands on your womb and sink down into it, eyes closed.
* move your body wildly, prow and growl.
* do something you have never done before.
* in a private space stroke your own body as a lover would, feeling it.                                                                                     *touch the fabrics in your clothing, your wardrobe or in a shop. Enjoy the feel.

Couples – for couples who trust each other – sexual polarity now

Fundamentally sexual polarity is about one person occupying a masculine directional energy and the other person a surrendered feminine energy. These practices are for couples who have agreement about exploring masculine and feminine essence in a loving way.

For Him
* give her your undivided attention with full presence, with the attitude of worshipping her.  *direct her with your loving guidance to do something that benefits her.
* admire and verbally appreciate her body, her shape, her look, her sexiness.
* have a hot, fragrant bath ready for her when she gets home. Then leave her alone, wait.
* press her against the wall, lovingly, gently but firmly, so she has no choice but surrender.

For Her
* acknowledge him as your handsome hero, naming how he supports you.
* flirt with him, make no sense, be illogical, mysterious.
* show him your naked body when he doesn’t expect it, and then drift away….
* offer your feminine flow and bodily movement to evoke his presence.
* give him pleasure in the way that he likes.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

The post Sexual Polarity Now appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Worship – “the act of giving worth to something”.  How do we integrate worship and sexual essence – masculine, combining the sacred and the ordinary?

Recently I saw a ‘shiva lingam’* in nature. On a wild beach a branch was set upright into a tree trunk base. It was a powerful symbol and I felt spontaneously moved to adorn it. I arranged a swirl of dried grasses around the base, and then threaded together beautiful seaweed branches, dry and pliable, into a small sculptural offering. A fragile, luminescent shell in a tray of bark completed my ‘altar’.

Then came a deep bow of gratitude to all the wonderful masculine energy that contributes to my, and all our lives. The action heroes, the wise warriors, the protective spirit, the Shiva qualities of calmness, compassion, mastery of ego. It was a sacred moment of worship of the divine masculine consciousness.

What is the role of worship in sexual essence?

When we hear the term ‘worship the divine masculine or feminine in your partner’ it may sound attractive, corny or even weird. How can we worship another human being? A human being who may seem actually very ordinary as we go through our busy lives. And could it even be dangerous, unreal and give a sense of inflation? If it is done with a projection of perfection onto someone it could be problematic. But when done with full recognition of the flaws and foibles of a person, worship in our relationships is uplifting and takes us into the luminosity of the sacred.

“worshipping the masculine”

The evolving masculine is usually not looking for compliments or rewards for his good deeds. He flies under the radar and aims for deeper integrity every day of his life. He attempts to live his purpose, to awaken himself and support others, to be someone who makes a positive difference. In his own way, in his own sphere of influence.

Appreciation is the first step to worship.  Look for what he is doing right, his awareness, presence, what he is contributing and what you trust in him. When you appreciate him and actually tell him, then he becomes more trustable, and he is inspired to be deeper.

This doesn’t mean you can’t be real with him about things that concern you. In fact, you can do that more when you also offer worship.

Artwork by Ines Honfi http://www.ineshonfi.com

Worship in sexual essence is the next step, and a little riskier, more deeply loving. It is given to those who you trust. It means going beyond all the external stuff and worshiping his core masculine essence. The aspect in him that reflects the divine, that is the divine showing up in human form.

It is not about worshipping his ego or making him feel better. Rather it’s a deep recognition of the strength, power, compassion and integrity at his core.

Recently a man said to me about his devoted partner ‘I think she sees me as a better man than I actually am’. He was a little sheepish and a little proud,  called forward to be that man she sees him as.

Seeing beyond what he has, to what he does, and who he is. Being in devotion to his consciousness that reflects the divine consciousness of the whole universe.

“creating special private moments of recognition”

How to worship him?  With your words is a good start, appreciating him directly and even saying things in front of others. Being obviously proud of him. Creating special private moments of recognition, or even dancing for him as a devotional offering. This can be simple and beautiful. You don’t have to be a dancer or look perfect!

More intimately you can worship his penis, touching him with reverence and devotion. This will be amazing for him to experience, way beyond sexual pleasure and gratification.

If you currently don’t have a partner, worship of the divine masculine can be offered to the men in your life, in appropriate ways. It can also be done as a more general practice and attitude towards the masculine.  Go back over your past relationships and worship what you were given. Even if there are other hurts, focus on the gifts for a time. It is powerful medicine. What you look for is what you see.

…………….

“not degrading yourself with negative self-talk”

If you would like to be worshipped for your masculine essence in relationship, how do you attract a partner who wants to do that?

First step is honouring your own masculine essence. Not degrading yourself with negative self-talk or giving up on your own development. Doing things that enhance consciousness and truth. Honouring other men’s efforts to be aware, present and awake.

The second step is worshipping the feminine essence. Seeing the divine in your partner, and in all women.

I’ll explore that further in the next blog ‘Worship and Sexual Essence – Feminine’.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

*Shiva lingam – A Hindu symbol of cosmic mysteries, often shaped as a phallus or an elongated egg. Linked to a time where people worshiped the Lingam and Yoni as the point of creation, energy, and enlightenment.

The post Worship and Sexual Essence – Masculine appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Reverse polarity can wreck your love life.

It is often hard to recognise as a cause of relational stress. This is because it can look like the usual conflicts and problems caused by different personality or attachment styles. However, once you recognise it, then you can do something about it.

 5 signs of reverse polarity in a relationship or dating are:

1.     Constantly feeling frustrated and resentful towards your partner or dating partners. They ‘should’ be different.

2.     You feel burdened or oppressed, unappreciated, and not free to be yourself.

3.     You are doubting the relationship and being attracted elsewhere, even though you deeply love each other.

4.     You are dating men or women that leave you disinterested and unexcited.

5.     Sex is non-existent or minimal and feels functional or even boring.

What is reverse polarity?

Reverse polarity happens when the natural polarity between masculine and feminine becomes reversed. He takes more of the She role than is natural to him, and She takes more of the He role than is natural to her.

This is not the same as when He is exploring or expressing his feminine side, or She is developing and enjoying her masculine side. Reverse polarity occurs when this has tipped over into a situation where one is occupying the space of the other essence. Therefore, the polarity has become unconsciously reversed. The magnets are repelling each other, not attracting.

Between a man and a woman who are naturally mostly masculine and feminine essence, when the polarity becomes reversed the woman becomes the one who is the most directive, focused, protecting, financially supporting, stable, responsible, mission orientated, calling the shots. The man becomes the one who is more receptive, emotional, going with the flow, focused on relationships and feelings, and even self-doubting.

The woman will then be busy prodding him into action, as he seems slow to move or to be responsible or to grow. He will be wanting her to slow down, relax, leave him alone. While he is feeling increasingly less purposeful, she will be more ambitious and anxious. Their love starts to be clouded by this feeling that something isn’t right.

They are not living their natural essence in the relationship. If they were happy to naturally occupy these energies there would be polarity, not reverse polarity. Reverse polarity can wreck your love life.

What causes reverse polarity?

1.     Inequality in income over time, where She earns considerably more and therefore feels she has more authority over how their money is spent.

2.     He is being the house-husband and minding the children full-time, but not because that is his gift or he wants to.

3.     He is financially looked after by his busy and over-worked partner while he pursues his creative dreams.

4.     He loses his job and is unemployed for too long, or has career failures that break him, or a prolonged illness and She picks up the slack.

5.     Lack of understanding of the differences between masculine and feminine, so drifting out of polarity or continually taking the other’s space.

6.     He is continually trying to please Her, or to keep the peace he denies his own needs and masculine energy.

7.     She is scared to let go into her feelings and embodied flow.

8.     Previous trauma or wounding creates protection, which shows up in this way.

How to end reverse polarity and regain polarity:

1.     He gives his direction into the relationship.

2.     She steps back more energetically so He can step up more.

3.     He takes equal or more responsibility for the finances. (If he is not as capable they may decide for her to do it.)

4.     She takes more time for herself and to be embodied and feeling.

5.     He spends more time with trustable men.

6.     She stops taking responsibility for Him and trusts him to get on with it himself or suffer the consequences.

7.     He initiates more scheduling, time keeping, planning, date nights, where and when to meet.

8.     She practices receptivity and stops doing the work in the relationship for both of them.

It may be uncomfortable

It can be challenging to change a reverse polarity as there will be reasons why you have occupied the other space. It may be uncomfortable to admit what’s happening. However, the rewards are great when the natural polarity is restored as She will finally relax, and He will feel his purpose.

If you are dating you will be able to bring out the opposite essence of the other. You will also attract different people.

You will feel authentic, aligned and happier and have the sexual polarity that makes for a wonderful loving union.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

The post 5 signs of reverse polarity appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

The desire for love and the erotic union of masculine and feminine runs deep, and yet there is little teaching in how to actually achieve this. And what teaching or information we do have is primarily misguided.

We have been told that continual intimacy, complete honesty, and sharing everything with your partner makes for great relationship. But the truth is this doesn’t necessarily lead to igniting that spark of sexual polarity and passionate devotion that makes a relationship alive.

In fact passion can be killed off in the cosy warmth of domestic life. Too much honesty can hurt another person or create conflict. And I am not advocating lying or deception here, but rather a subtle compassion as to what needs to be shared with the other. We don’t need to hear the bad stuff when it is something we can’t change, better to celebrate and appreciate the good stuff.

And talking about psychological problems together needs to be limited. It can be useful at times for trust and understanding, but it doesn’t usually create desire and attraction.

Talking too much to your partner in general can lead to boredom and taking each other for granted. Or to thinking you know everything about them. Intimacy can lead to a brother/sister type of relating. We are actually changing all the time – and mystery is exciting.

Mystery and the pull of magnetic attraction

This mystery and the pull of magnetic attraction needs to have a sense of difference to ignite. And this can be created, maintained and nurtured within modern relationships.

Celebrating the different needs and gifts of masculine and feminine essences makes a relationship much more dynamic and sexy. Accepting this as a priority may mean less time spent together in favour of more aliveness and attraction.

I see how women want their men to be like their girlfriends, then they complain they are not manly enough. Men make their women into co-workers or buddies and wonder why the goddess no longer shows up. We cannot be everything to each other, it’s just not possible, or desirable. Look to your friends, family and the wider community to fulfil some of the needs and keep the relationship as the union of masculine and feminine essences. Of course occasionally we can be all of these things to each other, but if we are depending on it all the time, it leads to frustration and disappointment, and it doesn’t have to be that way.

If you are dating and opening up to a new partner

If you are dating and opening up to a new partner, then knowing how and when to magnify your own essence as an attractive force, and how to be spiritually sexy, is a great art to learn. Don’t give everything away, take your time, and let the energy build. Hold onto yourself and your essence, after all this is what is attracting the other to you. Enjoying time apart will make you both more keen to see each other. Dress up for your dates, be comfortable to be masculine or feminine. Appreciate each other.

The Union of Masculine and Feminine is not a merger, it’s a union of opposites that can dance together as a celebration of differences. The allure is from the unknown other, not from sameness.

with love and trust,

Cynthia

The post The Union of Masculine and Feminine appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Recently I did my first Facebook live video and it went very well!  The main thing, as always, is getting started. One lovely comment was “It was like watching you in circle…confident, feminine and open….beautiful”,  so that’s awesome feedback. Especially as a problem I had before doing my initial work on essence and polarity, (almost twenty years ago with the brilliant David Deida), was feeling unseen! Are you feeling unseen or unvalued?

If so you are not alone as many people who come to my Living Love workshops and sessions feel unseen or unvalued for the man or woman they truly are. Whether single or partnered this can be painful to experience, and we start protecting ourselves around it, pretending we don’t really care. 

For a man, if he is feeling undervalued, or not honoured as a man, it is often reflecting his attitude to himself. He may have been heavily critiqued by previous partners or a parent, and feel diminished and not trusting his core strength.

He may even doubt his masculinity, although he is a very trustable and caring man. Past painful experiences led him to shrink and his presence is reduced. Women respond to present, confident men.

For a woman,she may feel she is invisible, or even seen only for her inner beauty, not for her whole self. Why is this? Usually it is because the woman doesn’t really show herself, she is hiding or diminishing her love-light.

She is waiting for the right time or the right person before she risks opening. Often she expects others to see through her fears and protections and discover who she really is.

And while this may happen in fairy tales, romantic movies or books, in real life it’s rare. More common is this woman is overlooked in favour of others who are more open and willing to be seen.

If we want to create more love in our lives we need to practise and work to reveal ourselves authentically.

Our fears are there for sure and need to be acknowledged and appreciated along the path.  Don’t wait to be discovered!

Give the gift of you fully. Now.

Appreciating you with love and trust,

Cynthia

The post Feeling unseen or unvalued? appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.