The 3A’s  of great relationships – Attraction, Alignment and Authenticity are the three essential ingredients for great relationships, friendships and collaborations. Remove one of these ingredients and it just doesn’t quite work.

An energetic pull that draws you together

1. Attraction is central to all our relationships. There is sexual attraction with our intimate partners, the spark of masculine and feminine opposites. In dating we simply want to see someone again. In friendships we like someone, we are drawn to them. At work, we have colleagues we prefer to be with, teams we want to be part of, a culture or creativity that attract us. Here we thrive. Even our pets are likable, lovable or just quirkily attractive to us.

Trying to be in an intimate relationship without attraction is a forced affair. It is a struggle that never fully goes away. There may be a huge amount of love, but if attraction is absent, it devolves more into companionship.

And I’m not just talking about physical attraction, but an energetic pull that draws you together, often in spite of physical preferences. ‘He’s not my usual type but I just want to be around him…’

Attraction in intimacy will ebb and flow over time, but how much depends on your commitment to keeping passion and love alive. As one of the 3 Traits of great relationships it is important!

Sharing core values and dreams

2. Alignment is also a major key to great relationships. If we are not sharing core values and dreams it is difficult to sustain an attraction. For example, if you are a man in your early forties and you really want to have a family, you may be extremely attracted to your girlfriend, but if she does not want children it’s not going to work. Or if you need monogamy and your partner needs an open relationship, your opposing desires for safety and freedom are not aligned.

You are pulling in opposite directions.

Or if your dream is to live and work in a cosmopolitan city, and your partner is miserable unless they are in the bush, the attraction will likely lessen under the strain of the non-alignment. Compromises can be made, but it’s not easy when they are big ones. But the plus is that you can discover new things through your partner.

In a work team, it is often more invigorating to have different points of view. But only when you are all aligned in service to a common goal or project.

Friendships can drift apart when not bound by a common interest, location, political leanings, shared sports, life-styles. Sometimes though, the heart alignment is stronger than these factors and the friendship endures all kinds of changes.

In intimate relationships an alignment of your sexual flavours and preferences makes it easier to flow together in love making. If one partner is very light and romantic and the other is more kinky and darker this can be fearful for one and boring for the other.

When we are authentic others can trust us

3. Authenticity creates trust, an essential for all good and strong relationships, intimate or otherwise. Being real and essentially yourself is being authentic. When we are authentic others can trust us because we do not have secrets or hidden motives. We are not projecting false identities over our true essence, or manipulating to get love and attention. We are vulnerable in the best kind of way.

If we commit to another from our authentic selves we will naturally keep our commitments and follow through. This builds the trust, which creates a container for attraction and love to grow and flourish. Authenticity is not about forcing our ‘truth’ onto another or being ‘honest’ in a way that hurts others unnecessarily. It is being true to ourselves and living love to others.

Authenticity is exciting, an aphrodisiac. It can bring back lost attraction or make it very clear if its not going to work.

If you are not able to be your authentic self in a relationship that is not healthy and needs to change.

Small amounts of awareness can go a long way

And there is a 4th A, the overarching aspect of Awareness. Connecting to lightness, humour, sacredness and ease. Small amounts of awareness can go a long way in our human stumbling towards love. No one is perfect, much less ourselves.

How are you doing with the 3 Traits of great relationships?

Are you showing and relishing your own attractiveness, or hiding it away? Are you trying to be attractive on the outside as a compensation to feeling not so attractive inside? Are you trusting and following your true attractions and desires in all your relationships? If not, why not?

Are you in acting in alignment with your own values and dreams? Do you recognise that getting involved with someone without enough alignment will lead to suffering? What will you compromise to be loved? Why?

Is authenticity something you welcome or fear? Are you a trustable person to be with because you are in touch with yourself and willing to risk being authentic with others? Do you let love in by being vulnerable? If not, are you working on it?

……And there is a  quiet 4th A  – Awareness – we can all keep evolving and doing our own work to increase our awareness in growth and consciousness. This positively impacts all our relationships.

Where coaching comes in

Cynthia

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The real lover isn’t the version of you that’s trying to get it right. Also it’s not just the more confident, more open, more aware you.

The real lover is who you are when you feel safe enough to be fully yourself.

Do you feel safe to be fully you in relationship?
Do you trust that you’ll be appreciated and loved? Not just for your warmth and openness, but also for your sensitivity, your fear, the parts of you that hold back?

Many of us don’t realise how much we manage ourselves in relationship. We soften important boundaries. We adapt and try to be easier to love, less demanding, more contained. We’ve been hurt before.

Or we restrain our masculine intensity – our strength and direction. Or dilute our feminine flow of devotional love and feeling. We pull back from our full expressions of love and freedom.

I see this repeatedly in my work.

In dating, someone feels a genuine connection but holds back their interest or desire.  They don’t want to seem too much, too keen, too vulnerable. On the surface everything seems ok, friendly and harmonious, but something essential isn’t being revealed, and the connection slowly fades or goes into the ‘friend-zone’.

Anger is often repressed rather than expressed in longer-term relationships, Someone feels hurt or frustrated but stays quiet — not wanting to create conflict or seem unloving. The anger doesn’t disappear; it turns into distance, and intimacy slowly dies. I’m not at all advocating angry violence but making room for it as an emotion and finding ways to feel and embrace it safely.

When there isn’t enough safety, the body doesn’t open. It freezes, guards, withdraws, shuts down.
And when this happens over time, our capacity to give and receive love is limited. Our passion is diluted, our wild animal energy is nowhere to be found.

Then we start to wonder why the spark fades. Why we feel disconnected from ourselves and our relationships don’t go anywhere. Why connections that once felt alive start to deaden.

This isn’t a failure of intention or love. It’s often an unconscious response to not feeling safe enough to fully arrive.

The real lover emerges when the nervous system feels safe enough to stay open, present, and real. This is something that we can cultivate within ourselves, in small groups and with a beloved.

The real lover is able to be all of themselves, the gentle and wild, the light and the dark, the deep and the humorous. To be vulnerable and powerful. To offer their gifts in relationship, to be of value, to be free and loved.

Firstly we give ourselves permission to reveal more of ourselves. We discover who we really are. We trust to show ourselves in both ordinary and spiritual aspects. Secondly, we show up in our relationships and see what happens. It’s ok to take it slowly, after all you are exploring new ground. Thirdly, we also open to embrace the other’s realness and expression too. Life and love can become a wonderful exciting journey, and also rooted in everyday life.

This is the exploration at the heart of my work, and of the Attraction, Intimacy & Love Workshop – a space to meet yourself honestly in relationship, and to discover what becomes possible when you no longer have to hold yourself back.

Love,

Cynthia

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I used to avoid disagreements but now I know the art of loving disagreements I use them as a tool of growth and self-enquiry. And I realised there is potentially a lot of passion in fighting.

When I am in conflict, I notice what is going on in my body. Perhaps I am actually ‘digging in my heels’, getting ‘hot under the collar’ and am ‘red-faced’. My body stiffens and my thinking becomes more rigid. My voice gets louder, and all in all, it’s intense!  

We heat up when we fight, and the stress hormone Cortisol floods the body. This eventually suppresses our immune system, which is a real no-no, especially for our pandemic era. And I discovered fighting increases our mortality rate.

I have spent years learning how to widen back my awareness, loosen up my opinions, stay calm, and generally look at my part in things. I struggled until I could say sorry and mean it. And that was fabulous training.

This is the arena of conscious disagreement, conflict resolution, mediation, and therapy. Eye contact, slowing down, deep breathing and listening without judgement is essential. Staying connected to your own feelings and reactions. I learnt how to breathe deeply when triggered into arguments, watch my automatic responses and listen to the other person with curiosity even if I hated what they were saying. Finding the middle ground was the aim, or allowing differences to just be there.

These practices short circuit the adrenal response and lower the cortisol level. A few more years of life gained there, hopefully. And I am sure this inner work made me an easier person to be around. 

Meeting in the middle

In this way we can enter and appreciate the other person’s reality, without having to agree with it. The other person feels heard and they relax too, and you find a way through, potentially meeting diverse needs. A win-win scenario emerges. Many conflicts in our world have been avoided by skilful negotiators intervening. At this moment there will be people doing this in war or conflict zones, with business and government, working hard to bring people together.

Over time we learn that our sense of self is not dependent on being right, on winning an argument.  Allowing the other their space does not mean we are less. And you can get quick at it too, choosing to just let go rather than have to be right. When this approach works, we feel more spacious and our hearts are more open. Neither running away nor getting aggressive pays off.  New levels of understanding, trust and connection open up. Creativity emerges. 

In an intimate relationship it means we can feel safe, that we won’t get dumped on by our partner, or attacked out of nowhere. The energy is smoother and more friendly. 

And yet it can also become dull and lacking in passion. Couples who disagree skilfully, last longer and report being happier. How could that be if fighting and conflict are bad? Because they aren’t bad if we are open and connected, if we don’t unfairly attack but just express the energy and own it. It can be liberating and even fun. 

The ‘Anger Dance’

Where the relationship is basically a loving one, with safety and trust, I sometimes suggest an ‘anger dance’ to couples who are stuck in conflict and niggling at each other, or scared of what they might unleash. I have done this myself and it works. 

Each person takes the floor for a period of time and dances or moves their anger and makes sounds, to music or to drumming. The other watches on and supports them in unleashing their energy. In this dance they are embodying and taking ownership of the feelings. It is not a blame dance, it is a solo expression of the anger, frustration or pain they feel. When both people do it, they reveal themselves to each other, and there is a freedom and vulnerability that touches the heart. 

When we are open, a fight clears the air and creates passion, but only if you are keeping the thread of connection. Only if each person can feel love. Only if it creates more love.

It is exhilarating to be able to stamp our feet, toss our hair, huff and puff, and feel love in the midst of it. To know that it does not diminish the love but enhances it. That humour can be found in the disagreements, and the intensity and ill feeling can be dropped quickly. It is purely energy after all.

It is the work of our spiritual practices that allow us to embrace a dispute, to treat conflict as healthy. It is an expression of ourselves and in showing this to each other, with dumping or blaming, then we can feel more authentic, more alive and more vibrant. It takes being sensitive to the other person, and also it takes trust.

I am not recommending hurting or attacking people, as that is destructive and ends friendships and relationships, but occasionally being able to swear and get ‘dirty’ is enjoyable and creates fire and passion. Not all of our interactions have to be like calm water.  Let’s light a flame with our differences and we can dance together around that fire!

When we read the biographies of saints and teachers, our gurus and heros, we find they didn’t shy away from conflict. When it was the right thing for the right outcome, they engaged. Not from righteousness, but from a place of right action. For the sake of Love: always for the sake of Love.

love

Cynthia

First published on Uplift Connect here

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Losing Myself to Find Myself

In my youth I had a natural radiance and embodied vitality. I call it the ‘free radiance’ of young women. In my reproductive years I was in my feminine prime; strong, free, sexually alive. As I traversed fifty and beyond, the hormonal wheels slowed down and the fertility cycle eventually ended. I, and many female friends and clients, faced an emotional and physical challenge and an identity shake-up; a reshaping of how I see myself. I had to let go of old identities and embrace new, fresh perspectives. To find the true essence of sexual maturity.

As fertility declines the body changes, especially for women, and that affects our sexuality to different degrees. It is almost impossible to be prepared for that. Fortunately, these changes happen gradually and we have time to integrate and adjust. I found that the youth focus of our culture and the lack of dissemination of elders’ sacred wisdom can have a debilitating effect on sex, intimacy and love over fifty.

New Vigour and Creativity Emerges

I wanted to lean into my spiritual experiences, to the collective wisdom and also listen to my body so that I could embrace this transition as a sacred doorway to greater spirituality and fulfillment. As I climbed ‘over the hill’, I contemplated that I was entering the fertile ‘valley’ of tantric spirituality.

Over a few years this change does settle down and a new vigour and creativity emerges. I was even relieved at being free of the hormonal ‘drama’, clearer about my own needs and boundaries. And more powerful. Some women report having less interest in sex, for others it is the opposite. Or the desire to have a different type of sex and intimacy.

Cultivate Your Spiritual Foundation – Know Thyself

That is when my lifelong habits and spiritual practices came to the fore. I was fortunate to have a background in personal growth and Tantra and while the menopause years were not easy, I knew and had practiced for many years shining love through my body. To the best of my ability. My years studying the work of David Deida, sexuality author and teacher, plus other guides and mentors, taught me that our ability to be radiant love and deeply present are not dependant on any idea of perfection.

Image: Timur Romanov on Unsplash

However, in the realms of love, sex and intimacy as doorways to the divine, we benefit from embodied daily practice when younger. I didn’t really understand that until later. Initially, I was attracted to this opening into the divine, and in my usual style, dived straight in. It has not always been an easy path to follow. Now I may not be as radiant or wrinkle free as the younger me, but I can be wiser, kinder and sexier – more tantric in my approach to life and love.

As a woman with a predominantly feminine essence, the practice is to flow, breathe fully, open my body, let go and locate love. Whatever our gender, we all have both feminine and masculine aspects. For the masculine, the practice is to become more fully present, free and deeply aware, through the whole body.

I discovered that while men over fifty do not have the same decline in fertility as women, they do have a gradual decline of testosterone and can experience less sexual desire and ability. Together with the changes that women are having, this can affect sexuality, intimacy and relationships. Sexuality is fundamental to the sacred union of masculine and feminine, but over fifty years of age and beyond, it may not look like sex as we once knew it.

For men and women there can be physical issues that might need medical support and guidance. There are treatments, hormones, creams and pills etc. to assist older people in maintaining a healthy and connected sex drive. And the good news is that aging also pushes us into a natural flow of slower, more spiritual sexuality and deeper connection.

Psychologically, letting go of self-judgment is also challenging as our bodies can feel like they have ‘betrayed’ us. They haven’t, but they are naturally changing. However, our ability to slow down, breathe and be more fully in our bodies can actually increase with age. We are more likely to have the time and the inclination to ‘drop in’, to let go.

The Tango – The Dance of Synchronicity

This general change in men brings them more in sync with women. And women have long been available for prolonged foreplay and slower, more varied love making. As we come off the sexual ‘peak’ we are able to explore more the heart connection and the sexual subtleties of the ‘valley’. The next stage of tango can begin.

If we are able to take the performance pressure off our sexuality it can lead to longer, more relaxed love making sessions. And, if necessary, more ‘outercourse’ than intercourse. The usual paradigm of foreplay, arousal, penetration and orgasm may be off the menu for some, which hopefully leads to exploring new territory. Whole body massage and arousal, a sense of playfulness, slowing down and being in the moment. If we don’t focus on the way it used to be, we can be open to how it can be Now.

As he ages, the masculine can find himself discovering more of his feminine side, not needing to lead and direct so often. The feminine can also find herself post menopause in a more direct and focused energy. We have both feminine and masculine energies, but most people identify more with one or the other. The feminine essence in any gender is motivated by the flow of love and feelings, relationships, connection, community. The masculine essence is drawn to mission and purpose, directing the flow of energy, free from emotions. The predominance of one or the other can change as we go through different stages of our lives, but especially as we get older and our hormones change.

This can be a good time for the masculine to relax and sink deeper, letting go of some of the ‘doing’ and move more into ‘being’. At the same time for a woman it can be a very empowering time. Free of her hormonal cycle she can create what she wants and enjoy her life and sexuality with abandon.

For me, connection is the ultimate key to sexuality, love and intimacy. This intimate communion is deepened by embracing any limitations and changes each person is going through. It requires a flexibility and self-acceptance that develops over time. There is no quick answer, but it is helpful to know that many are in the same boat. And there are new ways of being together that will surprise you with their intensity and joy. Finally, we can focus on what is really important – being as one, the divine union and the aliveness of spirit in the body.

Peaks and Valleys

We have tended to see the ‘peak’ as the ultimate goal, the desirable summit, full of adrenaline and discovery. But for myself as I grow older, there are still some peaks of course, but the treasures and the pleasures of the valley are more enticing.

I have been partnered and single in these years over fifty. And in both circumstances, I found it essential to keep my sexual energy alive and my heart open. The tools we can all use are varied and include emotional intelligence, movement, meditation, healthy lifestyle, self-pleasuring, deepening into your masculine and feminine essence, breath work, pelvic opening and self-inquiry.

I had to find courage to be honest about my own changes and needs. Being willing to find the loving way through, without giving up, develops closeness and resilience in relationships.  The rewards, if we push through that barrier, can be astounding; the intimate sharing and revelation of our vulnerabilities can unlock our hidden sacred depths. In the valley we find ourselves, each other and the pure union of togetherness and oneness.

I trust this article will support you in discovering the true essence of sexual maturity for you.

love

Cynthia

First published on Uplift Connect: https://upliftconnect.com/the-true-essence-of-sexual-maturity/

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Everyone is now abuzz with the new freedoms. Some are venturing out slowly while others are bounding out to enjoy what they can, finally. There are those who don’t want the isolation to end. Are you ready for coming out of isolation?

We have been exploring a strange land, facing our fears and challenges, searching for treasure, collecting wise insights. All while being in isolation at home. Our world suddenly changed, and with it, we are changed forever. And now it is changing again, and that can be disturbing or shocking too.

What treasures are you bringing with you?

In this journey of upheaval, I have had to trust the unknown. Waiting in the dark at times, to know what vision or energy wanted to be born or reborn in myself, other people, and our world. From this crisis I emerge both more resilient and surrendered.

As you re-emerge, what is your intuitive vision for the way forward that honours you? To discover this, I am going to ask some questions and I encourage you to make time and space, get a sheet of actual paper and handwrite your answers. There is no correct way to do so. You may have crystal clear clarity. Or merely a vague hunch. You may have a nugget of treasure so tiny that you almost miss it.

Who have you become?  You are not the same person.

Perhaps you have connected with a new support system, mentors, counsellors and are in a healthy groove. Or you know you cannot continue how you were before the pandemic. Things need to change for you now. And for your world.

The Questions:

1.     What valuable treasures from isolation time do you want to bring with you?   

I believe it’s essential at this time for us all to be creative and intuitive. We have each been rapidly adjusting to a once in a century ‘black swan’ event. Let’s not just snap back to the old identities, the old ways. Systems and ideologies are shaken up and that’s a good thing. We are waking up! Let’s hold our precious treasure like one holds a newborn baby.

2.     What mattered most to you during isolation?

The enjoyment of being quieter at home, or the gratitude of having a job, even if it was more stressful. The appreciation of love and intimacy, or a fresh ability to resolve conflicts. More time with your children, realising you want a family yourself or contentment with how things are. Deepening your knowledge and life purpose, refreshing your goals, developing a meditation practise?

3.     What gems of Love and Freedom do you want to bring into your life?

Don’t feel pressured to do at once all the activities you have missed, to rush back in. Pace yourself, so as to savour and enjoy your experiences of connection and activity. Get to know that new potential lover before you dive in.  Make time to write, muse, plan ahead. Talk, or dance, about what is happening for you. Listen. Be real, be gutsy.

4.     Who have you become?

You are not the same person you were before pandemic. It is who we are being that creates what we do and what we have. What part of yourself has emerged during lockdown that you like and find valuable? It could be a younger you, a sexier you, a skill you had put aside has come back.

5.     What is your vision for the way forward?

Write down whatever comes to mind, without censoring it. Big and small, clear and vague. We are receiving messages from the universe constantly, if we know how to listen. Let our hearts lead the way forward. Let’s put our ear to the ground, to hear what the earth is saying to us.

6.     What can you embody your vision?

You don’t necessarily have to jump into the masculine mode here, it’s more of a creative next step emerging, a pathway unfolding that feels right to you. It could be as big a new business direction, or as whimsical as changing your bedroom around. Whatever you find, be happy to sit with it and roll it around on your tongue and see how it tastes. There may be resistances, but if we want a new vision, and not to snap back into the old ways, we will need to risk change.

………………………..

Sensitivity to ourselves, and each other is so important right now. And what feels right for you, may not feel right to another. Let there be differences. TRUST YOURSELF.  We can look for the oneness that unites us all, beyond personality, thoughts, judgements and separation.

Nature has taken a deep breath and so have we.

love
Cynthia

P.S. If you want support and clarity to find or embody your emerging vision, please contact me for a session.

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My Conversations with Renowned Gurus

A good activity for coronavirus isolation time for me is to be creative. My immediate workshop schedule is cancelled and all international trips are on hold. I am writing a book and find myself writing about the wisdom pressed into me by life and my personal story. I didn’t know I would soon be experiencing time travel with the masters for their advice on coronavirus!

Firstly I notice what arises in myself and others. There is the fear of contracting the virus and being one of those who get really sick. Even a fear of death as I watch those statistics rising around the world. And then worry about financial collapse as our economy takes a huge hit. Lots of reasons to be on an emotional roller coaster ride. And the waves of fear and anxiety can be very subtle, even just a low buzz of stress.

I was writing about Tantra¹ and how my interest in it started when I was a devotee of the Indian guru Osho. I got to thinking what advice would Osho have for me, and others, about the pandemic? And what about other teachers and wisdom keepers who contributed to my spiritual embodiment. What would Ramana Maharshi, and Papaji, have to say if I was fortunate enough to hang out with them for a while? These wise men of India are no longer living. I ask my mind’s eye and heart and spirit to conjure up playful visualisations …

Meeting Osho in My Imagination

I am sitting with Osho on a velvet couch in India and we are chatting over tea. Next to us is a beautiful pond with two swans gliding past. I tell him about my first taste of him when I came across the book, ‘Only One Sky: On the Tantric Way of Tilopa’s Song of Mahamudra’ which was a series of his discourses on Tantra. 

Never had I read anything so spiritually compelling. I felt I was receiving a direct transmission of Truth. My consciousness expanded, clarity sparkled and the concept of celebration of life entered me. In my heart there was a connection to Osho.

He smiles at me and I feel myself expanding in his beam of unconditional love. Encouraged, we reminisce about the TV film I made about him in the late ’80s. I was in the midst of integrating all the distressing things that happened in those last years of his American commune. And the loss of innocence that rocked me. And yet there was the undeniable truth of the Buddha-nature I felt in his presence. 

Osho. Image: Ma Vivek

Again, that Osho presence and smile, and the way it relaxes me into a feeling of deep acceptance. I ask him, ‘What about the coronavirus pandemic?’

He sits in silence for a long moment. Then he tells me it is a reminder of the truth of our existence. There is no certainty in life. We are here to celebrate. Not to cling to life, security and the known. But to meet the unknown, the mystery of life with celebration, laughter, and love.

I remind him that during the AIDS epidemic he quickly had his followers taking very strict protection measures. Condoms, plastic mouth dams and no kissing was the order of the day. Osho knew that the sexual freedom he encouraged would leave his tribe vulnerable.

‘Yes’, he says to me, ‘life is sacred, and we must protect it. This is love.’ Hmmm, I think, protect and celebrate, that works! We can do what needs to be done, but we don’t have to be gloomy about it. We can respect the grief and loss of life that has come for many, be deeply compassionate, and still acknowledge the inherent beauty of life. There is no need to feel guilty about joy. 

Were he alive today I am sure Osho would cancel his live gatherings and very quickly adapt to the most modern technology available to spread his message.

We smile at each other and namaste our goodbye, in a heartfelt connection. 

The Day I Sat with Papaji

One year after Osho died, I heard that many of his followers were visiting another guru or teacher in Lucknow, India, named Sri Poonjaji. I managed a short visit to sit with him in Satsang (gathering together for the truth). Short, but it made a big impression. Papaji was not young yet he seemed full of life and laughter. Bemused at this sudden influx of Western disciples he still held Satsang in his house and the meeting room was overflowing. There was a lot of light-hearted energy and many there were relieved to have found another living master. 

I wasn’t looking for a master, yet I was in love with the energy, the vibration of expansion that filled his room and those who came close to him. He was ordinary, yet not ordinary. I later read his biography and was amazed at how he had gone from being an engineer to a Krishna bhakti, to a devotee of one of the most revered Indian sages, Sri Ramana Maharshi. 

H. W. L. Poonja, a.k.a. Papaji. Image: Avadhuta Foundation

‘Call off the search’, was Papaji’s saying, and to me, that meant to stop seeking, to let go of that activity which can prevent one recognising that we already are what we seek. We are already that peace and freedom right here, right now — if we pay attention.

In a small meeting, I asked him a question and he affirmed my discoveries were on the right path. Then he told me to go home and be there. This made sense to me, coming after years of seeking, personal growth, following teachers, and travelling making films. It was time to go home in every sense of the word. 

Today in my visualisation, Papaji and I are drinking fresh lime sodas while he watches cricket on his small TV. Absorbed, simply enjoying, this is a life lesson in itself. Not that I like cricket, but I love movies. We are observing social distancing and hand sanitiser is on the table.

I ask him, ‘Papaji, what to do about the coronavirus?’ He starts roaring with laughter and I feel momentarily embarrassed. Shaking that off I wait to see what he means, and I get it. There is no point in worrying about it. What will be will be. He himself is older and susceptible to a lung infection. While those around him fuss to keep him safe, he already feels safe. He tells me there is nothing to be done except to be with the truth of the moment. He is a responsible citizen who will follow instructions, but his truth is so much vaster than any restriction, his freedom so wide and deep he is already absorbed in Love and Awareness.  

“Use this time well”, he says. “Be with your true nature, no matter what arises on the surface, use it to go deeper into life and being.” He turns back to the cricket match.

On a table next to Papaji sits a black and white photo of his beloved guru, Sri Ramana Maharshi. Ramana was a revered saint in South India, a teacher of ‘Advaita Vedanta’ or non-dualism. His eyes beam with clarity and kindness and I am drawn to the photo. After all, he is the source in this spiritual lineage.

 Wisdom from Ramana Maharshi

A few years later, after my actual visit with Papaji, I stayed in the Sri Ramana ashram at Tiruvannamalai. The historic ashram is situated at the foot of Arunachala Hill which was regarded by Sri Ramana Maharshi, and Tamil saints, as the spiritual heart of the world. I loved wandering over the hill, visiting caves, and other holy sites. Luckily I was there at the time of the annual Shivaratri festival so there were many visiting sages, and Satsangs by different gurus were being held everywhere.

Ramana Maharshi. Image: Ramana Maharshi

I imagine I am back there … entering the gates of the beautiful yet simple Ramana ashram. I am taken by the peace and the feeling of a sacred place. Wandering through the buildings and trees, I stumble across a cow stable and realise I am looking at a  descendant of Lakshmi, Sri Ramana’s cow who became enlightened. A man in a loincloth is patting the cow and as I approach, he hands me a cup of buttermilk, telling me it is from the cow. As I take it, I realise that this humble man is Ramana himself. 

I drink the milk and also drink in the purity of this master. My questions recede in the stillness around him, but I remember to ask him about our current crisis of the threatening coronavirus pandemic.

He sits and remains silent for many minutes, then gently begins a song of devotion to Arunachala, his sacred Shiva hill. Hearing this, there is an ancient truth that swoons me into a knowing. Then with gentle words, Ramana guides me to ask, ‘Who is this person, this I, or even this world, that I am concerned for?’ That question has only one answer, ‘I am That.’ And I am also the one who loves That.

Ramana stands up and we go together to prepare food to feed the hungry people who are suffering from the lockdown. The ashram is closed but his family have organised a safe delivery system, so Sri Ramana’s divine sustenance can still be given.

 I Am Blessed

As I bring my awareness back to my living room, to this present moment, I recognise I am blessed to have been able to receive the grace of these three teachers and many more. All have inspired me in different ways to live fully, love courageously, and risk diving for the depths. A combination of Tantra and self-inquiry, with lots of love and laughter, has been a recipe I have been cooking and refining for most of my life so far.

I hope you have enjoyed my time travel with the masters, and their advice for coronavirus.

with love

Cynthia

First published on Uplift Connect: https://upliftconnect.com/time-travel-with-the-masters/

1. Tantra is a philosophy and a spiritual path. The essence of Tantra can be found in the Hindu religion, also in Tibetan Buddhism and Taoism. One core aspect of Tantric philosophy is nondualism or the idea that everything is divine. That the body and spirit are not separate. Sacred sexuality is a part of Tantra.

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With the current pandemic, we have restrictions on how we live and work. With the Easter holiday starting, these Coronavirus – Couples and singles tips for lockdown or isolation will be especially helpful.

FOR COUPLES

If you are a couple suddenly together in isolation then you may be running into some problems. Old patterns and conflicts resurfacing, sexual issues unresolved. In this crisis is an opportunity to find the deeper love and freedom between you, and create new possibilities.

We need space in intimate relationships to feel the pull of attraction, and that physical and emotional space is in short supply right now. Roles that were somewhat fixed are now all mixed up together. Partner, parent, lover, cook, carer, teacher – they no longer have defined space, and you have to be flexible. Having your own separate life and then meeting up at the end of the day has gone for many couples. We also need difference for attraction to happen.

Suddenly what was mildly irritating in your partner before, can be so frustrating at this time. Criticism and withdrawal, fighting and aggression can get amplified when stuck together in a tense, anxious time. Sexuality can diminish too. Boredom is a risk factor!

Disasters historically create more marriages and more divorces. Whatever is already present in the relationship is intensified. But there are small ways to make a big difference and improve, enhance your relationship. If  love and trust are your foundation, these tips will help.

What helps?

·      Take the time to know your own needs and communicate about them calmly and ongoingly. They will change. Listen to theirs and have space to receive their needs and wishes, even if you can’t fulfil them.

·      Sort out separate spaces in your house or apartment that are private, even if in the same room. An imaginary or real “do not disturb sign” is to be respected when in that space.  Deliberately spend time apart that is not just work time, or time with children.

·      Plan at least once a week, like Saturday night or Sunday morning to have time apart and then come together. (Put the kids in front of a fascinating movie if necessary.) Increase your masculine or feminine essence while apart, before you meet.

·      To cultivate feminine essence enjoy sensual, opening activities like a warm bath, a walk to open your senses (not just exercise), feel, dance, chat with friends. Practice surrender and flow.

·      To cultivate masculine essence be intentional, meditate, do a challenging workout, be online with men. Practice depth and direction.

·      Come together after this time alone and feel the polarity between you. Don’t try and pull them into your mode, enjoy the difference and offer love through your essence. This may be sensual, sexual or communing your way. Direction and surrender together creates polarity. The more the masculine one holds the container, the more the feminine one will relax. You can also play with swapping these energies and see what happens.

·      Sleeping alone occasionally increases polarity and attraction for many couples, but not if this feels too hard at this time.

·      Play, surprise, gift your partner. Be spontaneous. Fully dress up for a meal occasionally.

·      Offer a range of energies to each other, from light to dark, gentle to fierce, always through the heart to serve love. It is energising to dance and play with anger and frustration.

·      Give up the desire to be right. You may have very different views on the pandemic crisis and how it should be managed. Feel your heart and the heart of the other, beyond right and wrong. Choose love.

·      Know that many people are under the stress of difficult emotions. You are not responsible for what the other is feeling, and yet we are interconnected. Be compassionate but don’t be the rescuer. Rather empower them to work it out for themselves.

·  Do activities together that are bonding and blissful for both of you. Outdoor nature adventures where allowed, massage, playing silly games, sexually be adventurous. Don’t be together just for chores and admin or watching screens.

These Coronavirus – Couples and singles tips for lockdown –  are also good general wisdoms to follow at any time.

FOR SINGLES

If you are single, surprisingly the pandemic can be a very good opportunity to try new options, reset and reconnect with your vision for relationship.

The coronavirus regulations can be affecting you in very different ways. Some people are happily taking a break from dating and getting on with life. Others are yearning for relationship and envious of the couples who are physically close right now. Some are feeling sexually frustrated and unsure how long they can last alone. Couples who split up recently are dealing with strong grief as well as unfamiliar isolation.

If you relied on your community and friends for loving touch and connection, it is hard to replace, unless you are in a shared household. Virtual community is helpful, but it is not the same.

This is a potentially confusing time to be dating and looking for a partner or a lover. Do you have to resign yourself to being single and/or celibacy?

What helps?

·      If you have been reluctant to try online dating, or even given up on it, this is a chance to try it without too much commitment involved. Online dating starts as usual with winks and swipes and messages. Now instead of progressing into real life meetups, people are opting for virtual coffee dates and meals. The positive thing is that it gives you time to relax and build a connection. Also, to discern if the other person is right for you before the cascade of romance and sex hormones take over. One dating app has even created romantic backdrops for your virtual zoom dates!

·      A word of caution though – if you spend a lot of time building an online relationship as it provides good company during this time, you can find it falls apart when you do meet up physically. So, same as in real life, don’t put everything into the one connection until you are sure it’s what you want.

·      Deciding to take a deliberate break from dating can be an empowering option. Then you  can use the social isolation to prepare for future relationships by growing as much as possible.  A great time to reassess your vision for relationship, deal with your issues, raise your vibration and meet someone of a different calibre when isolation ends. What do you really need and want in an intimate relationship? And what will the person you want, be looking for?  If you are currently a ‘couch potato’ searching for an amazing god or goddess, will they be interested in you?

·      What would you like to master in your life? Having a new skill or creative expression, a fitness goal etc will be beneficial. Especially for the masculine essence a challenging goal will keep you digging deeper into focused awareness. This is a time to do that, to be fulfilling yourself and moving forward. What was your childhood dream?

·     Take lots of time to be outside if you can. Walking, swimming, bike riding etc. Waving, smiling, connecting with others at a distance all helps rise your spirits.

·     Loving touch can be self-given. Warm up some massage oil, or whatever you have at hand, and apply it with awareness and sensual touch, all over the body. Breathe and enjoy the sensations. If it feels sexual you can move into self-pleasuring.

·      Give from your unique sexual essence. It does not need to be given solely in a relationship. Others need your feminine radiance, love and feeling nature. Who can you shine on today? Or your masculine direction and guidance, your trustability. Who can you create safety for today?

…………………

Whatever our situation we have the freedom to respond with gratitude, openness and resilience. And it is essential to reach out for help if we need it at this time.

I hope these – Coronavirus – couples and singles tips for lockdown – make your time more passionate, loving and exciting.

with love

Cynthia

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Most people want better sex, more sex or even ideal sex. Some people want less sex (than their partner does).

Sex is a big motivator in our lives. The desire for physical intimacy and real love is natural and ageless. When that is not happening fully to our satisfaction, or not at all, we start wondering what we can do about it?

There is an idea that if only we could be different, improve ourselves, change our ways, we will have more of what we want. If we are more attractive, confident, successful, friendly, sexy etc we will have better sex, more fulfilment, a better life. Even the idea that if we were spiritually evolved enough not to need something, then we could have it.

“We are busy working hard to not be somebody”

The problem with this way of thinking is that it is usually based on a lack of acceptance of some part of ourselves. We are busy working hard to not be somebody. To push away what we really think about ourselves. To counteract a hidden belief about our lack of worthiness, our ugliness, neediness, loneliness, stupidity, not fitting in etc. Usually we are not aware of these hidden beliefs and the activity we put over the top of them, which becomes automatic and driven. The effects of these masks can be devastating.

For example, if deep down we have a childhood belief we are ugly or not sexually attractive we become ripe fodder for marketers and salespeople. Why else would she risk her health, and her bank balance, even her life, to have a Brazilan Butt Lift for a bigger bum, or a labiaplasty for cosmetic purposes? It is our right to choose for our own body, and there is a case to be made for cosmetic surgery, but if the choice is coming from shame or unexamined beliefs it just may be unnecessary.

These are extreme and obvious examples and there are many more subtle ways we can be acting out. Putting in extra effort in relationships when its not needed. Being overly helpful, trying too hard or avoiding intimacy altogether. Doing all the ‘right’ things and wondering why it still doesn’t work.

This dynamic actually stops what we want from happening.

A woman thinking this way is not relaxed intimately or sexually because part of her energy is focused on making sure her partner does not find out who she ‘really is’.

“We become susceptible to imagined wrongs”

Similarly, if he believes that he is a failure, not good enough, he risks becoming a workaholic or a ‘success junkie’ to prove that is not the case. A workaholic at sex too, trying hard to please, to be a great lover, to even be a super stud or an evolved tantric lover. But not really present in the moment where all great sex happens.

If he believes he is not a ‘real’ man, that he is a fearful ‘coward’, he may even pick a fight or go to war and risk his life to prove that he is indeed a fearless warrior. Or he may need to dominate his partner at all times.

Making love with this energy running can be exhausting, there is no vulnerability, no place to rest and be. He can’t receive love.

Also, the potential for triggers is big, as anything that sets off the underlying belief is painful and unconscious. We become susceptible to imagined wrongs and slights. We become reactive and this creates the opposite of what we really want which is greater intimacy, better sex, a fulfilling life.

“Learning how to let go and relax into acceptance”

There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve and learn, but that should lead us to recognise these unconscious drives and our hidden beliefs. Ultimately, leading to letting go and relaxing into acceptance. Acceptance of who we are and what we think about ourselves. Acceptance of the other. Then we can decide what needs improving from a very different viewpoint. We can learn about the opposite sex or tantra because we want to, not because deep down we fear we are a failure and need to succeed at sex. We can enhance our attractiveness because it feels good, not because we really believe we are ugly. We can seek partners not because we are afraid of feeling lonely, but because we need and want a person to share our lives with.

These hidden beliefs are usually formed early on in life and are often a surprise when we discover them. Yet they seem familiar because we have been sensing them there in the background. What a relief when you can accept and relax into and beyond the idea you have about yourself.

“You are free to respond in the moment”

Imagine the scenario where you approach your partner to have sex and they say no. If you believe you are unattractive, you will think the worst and shut down, withdraw or go into coping strategies, even acting out with all kinds of dramatic behaviour or punishment. If you are aware of that belief and accept it, it loses its power. You are free to respond in the moment. Perhaps they are tired, sleepy, unwell or just not interested right then. You are free to be playful, seductive even or to relax until another time. Or to address underlying issues between the two of you that are causing the lack of intimacy.

Or an example for singles. Let’s say you meet someone new and you are attracted to them. But they don’t communicate in the way you need or like. If deep down, you think you are not a lovable person then you will immediately think they are not interested in you. Perhaps you even quiz them to see if they like you or have serious intentions.

Without this triggered response you are free to assess the situation, find out what’s really happening and respond. And sometimes it turns out they aren’t interested. Or they didn’t want to overwhelm you; they were sick, or so attracted to you they felt nervous.

It is scary to be on the other end of these beliefs. Pushing from these underlying identities is a turn off. We can recognise pretty quickly in others who they are resisting or not accepting in themselves. And rightly, we don’t want to take responsibility for that. We can be reassuring when we discover their hidden vulnerability, but trying to fix it for them is fruitless.

“This brings deep relaxation sexually, and in life”

Better sex is about being self-accepting and therefore being free from the compensating behaviours. It is not about becoming a better you based on the idea the real you is not ok.

This acceptance brings deep relaxation sexually, and in life. We can be in the moment, responsive to our own sensations and to our partners. Responsive to a future partner that we may be dating or looking to meet. Walls go down and authenticity is sexy. It brings our real, imperfect selves to the encounter. From there we can grow and learn and ask and be curious. There is a deeper trust in the self. You know what it is you are afraid to feel, afraid to reveal.

“Who am I not wanting to be?”

If you notice a tension, a driven quality then this can be a sign you have an underlying hidden belief. If you find things not moving in the right direction for you, even though you are exerting a lot of energy, this could be why.

Ask yourself, who am I not wanting to be? What is my wounded sense of self from childhood that hasn’t resolved and still has tentacles into the present?  No matter how much growth we have done, these hidden beliefs can pop up, or slowly rise to consciousness. Feel it in your body, welcome it in. Even if you are burning in shame say yes, as though you are discovering an old friend. Have ultimate compassion and appreciation for yourself in that moment.

As we accept ourselves without judgement in this way, as we go through it, we have the ah-ha moment. And the resulting relaxation flows into our sexuality, our relating, our friendships, our career, our ease of being.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

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These online dating tips for men will help you to express your confidence, and attract a great partner who is right for you.*

Many of my single male clients are initially reluctant to try online dating. Either they have a preference for meeting women in daily life, or they have tried it in the past and given up. However, in Australia half of all relationships start online, both through dating sites or social media. It is no longer a stigma to say you met online, as its now normal. And it is a good place to meet singles.

It’s also a good place to get scammed as 30% of scams are romantic and online. So please be aware – if they seem unreal or too good to be true then they probably are! And some people can play on your ‘knight in shining armour’ tendencies so please don’t rescue anyone.

So, have you decided to jump in and start dating online, or ready to start again for a fresh experience?

Be aware that meeting a great partner isn’t likely to happen in a week on Tinder or Bumble or RSVP. You must not give up after a few mediocre dates or even a bad experience. Thats life, and the following online dating tips for men can make your experiences much easier, more fun and successful.

Online dating tips for men

1. Profile

Magnetic attraction between the masculine and feminine essence works the same online as in face to face. So, if you want to attract your desirable feminine the first step is for your ‘profile’ to project your masculine essence.

Calling yourself a ‘boy’ or ‘lonely’ in your profile name is generally a turn–off to those who want to partner a confident man. You may truly be lonely or lost, but it’s not attractive at first look.

Women reading your profile will be drawn to your presence, authenticity, values and a mix of security and adventure. A man who loves and honors women is very attractive. As is a man with a sense of mission, especially one in service to others.

Women are bored by the ‘I love beach walks, sports, surfing, red wine etc.’ It’s what every other guy is writing and it won’t get you dates. Write a profile that tells who you are through real–life examples, rather than long lists of your successes, qualities or activities. Don’t be afraid to be quirky, heartfelt and in the moment.  Humour works too.

Less is more. Using too many words in your profile will make women feel like they are chatting to a girlfriend rather than being drawn to a man. On the other hand, sparse information, or an incomplete profile and you will look careless or lazy.

Don’t use any negative comments about women in your profile. Even if you have been scammed, hurt, or disappointed, don’t write or talk about it. And saying you want a woman with ‘no baggage’ decodes to ‘he can’t handle me being emotional.’ Swipe.

Be adventurous, be a warrior for love.

2. Photos

A primary photo about chest height, where you look directly into the camera or slightly to one side will be a major draw card. Wearing sunglasses looks untrustable, and women want more than anything to feel you are a trustable man. It’s a fact that many men put up fuzzy photos of themselves, with a grim expressions as they take a selfie looking into the bedroom mirror, with poor lighting and a lot of mess in the background. A naked torso says you are either showing off your bod or you want sex – not going to attract the sort of woman you want for a relationship.

Photos that are of you with your plane, and bike, and motorbike, and boat, that you probably think will impress her, can look like you are obsessed with your toys. One is ok to show you are a man of action. No alcohol in the photos, or you look like you a boozer, even if it was just at Christmas.

She doesn’t want date your dog(s) or your children or grandchildren so keep them out of your pics.

Have a close friend or two look at your profile photos and give feedback.

2. Criteria

Online dating and flicking through profile after profile can lead to the mind being too judgmental, or mentally sitting back with a list that no-one can live up to. Having a rigid set of criteria for a partner is a barrier. In person, when we meet someone at work or socially, we feel their whole being and how our heart resonates with theirs, as well as alignment and chemistry. Do the same online – be open to the connection, the attraction, the shared values and vision.

A general mistake men can make is looking for a woman the same as them, who loves the sports they love, likes the same music etc. You can do these things with your mates. It’s more important to have a loving, full woman who will enrich your life in surprising ways. And if she wants to climb Everest with you that’s a bonus!

If you say you are only looking for a woman ten years younger than you it looks like you are either a jerk or can’t handle a woman your own age. Likewise, dictating too many things you want is a turn-off. Online dating is not dial-up a pizza where you order the base and the toppings, it’s merely a place to have an introduction to many women, so you can find one you are attracted to, in body, heart and soul.

3. Progress it

Don’t spend too much time on emails or texts, progress quickly to a phone call or a coffee date. Giving her your number first is a good idea as this creates safety for her. Ask her to call or text you if she would like to.

The woman will be happy for you to move it forward. Sensitively. Many emails back and forth without you proposing a next step, will start to bore her. Expecting her to contact you when she is free is too vague and lacking in masculine initiative. She won’t be attracted by this and will rarely contact you to make a date. Better if you ask her for some available times, pick one and go for it.

If they are long distance contacts be wary of investing months of connecting (aka projecting) before you meet up in person.

4. Dating

Start with a coffee date rather than at a bar, and if you like each other it can progress. If the attraction is not there then you have invested only thirty minutes of your time, and it doesn’t drag you down. Use any date fruitfully as you can be kind, learn about others and gain more clarity about who is right for you.

For the first few dates it’s best if you can plan the outings, being sensitive to her wishes and needs. Be clear and simple about the time, place etc. and exchanging contact numbers. Arrive early so you can check out the scene, relax and be ready to meet her.

She will feel your masculine direction and ability to create a safe ‘container’ in which she can relax and enjoy her feminine essence. She will feel you have gone to an effort and that you are interested in her. Also, it is best if you pay initially, as friends split the bill. If she refuses to let you do this then don’t push it. It may mean she isn’t attracted to you, or it might just be her style.

And listen, and listen some more! The ‘peacock syndrome’ where you want to show off to her, is a turn off to most women. It’s instinctual for a man but women don’t want to spend an hour listening to a stranger talking about themselves, and this is very common in online dating. Yes, really! It’s great to tell her things about yourself, but being more interested in her will be so much better. If you are lacking an audience, chat to a friend before your date, so your need is met, and you can have a back and forth lively, flirty chat with your date.

And once you start dating the fun begins! And even when you think you have found your ‘soulmate’, it’s a good idea to keep dating other women until the one you want says yes to you.

I hope these online dating tips for men will smooth your path to success.

With love

Cynthia

*This article was originally a guest blog for The Confident Man website.

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Worship – “the act of giving worth to something”.  How do we integrate worship and sexual essence – masculine, combining the sacred and the ordinary?

Recently I saw a ‘shiva lingam’* in nature. On a wild beach a branch was set upright into a tree trunk base. It was a powerful symbol and I felt spontaneously moved to adorn it. I arranged a swirl of dried grasses around the base, and then threaded together beautiful seaweed branches, dry and pliable, into a small sculptural offering. A fragile, luminescent shell in a tray of bark completed my ‘altar’.

Then came a deep bow of gratitude to all the wonderful masculine energy that contributes to my, and all our lives. The action heroes, the wise warriors, the protective spirit, the Shiva qualities of calmness, compassion, mastery of ego. It was a sacred moment of worship of the divine masculine consciousness.

What is the role of worship in sexual essence?

When we hear the term ‘worship the divine masculine or feminine in your partner’ it may sound attractive, corny or even weird. How can we worship another human being? A human being who may seem actually very ordinary as we go through our busy lives. And could it even be dangerous, unreal and give a sense of inflation? If it is done with a projection of perfection onto someone it could be problematic. But when done with full recognition of the flaws and foibles of a person, worship in our relationships is uplifting and takes us into the luminosity of the sacred.

“worshipping the masculine”

The evolving masculine is usually not looking for compliments or rewards for his good deeds. He flies under the radar and aims for deeper integrity every day of his life. He attempts to live his purpose, to awaken himself and support others, to be someone who makes a positive difference. In his own way, in his own sphere of influence.

Appreciation is the first step to worship.  Look for what he is doing right, his awareness, presence, what he is contributing and what you trust in him. When you appreciate him and actually tell him, then he becomes more trustable, and he is inspired to be deeper.

This doesn’t mean you can’t be real with him about things that concern you. In fact, you can do that more when you also offer worship.

Artwork by Ines Honfi http://www.ineshonfi.com

Worship in sexual essence is the next step, and a little riskier, more deeply loving. It is given to those who you trust. It means going beyond all the external stuff and worshiping his core masculine essence. The aspect in him that reflects the divine, that is the divine showing up in human form.

It is not about worshipping his ego or making him feel better. Rather it’s a deep recognition of the strength, power, compassion and integrity at his core.

Recently a man said to me about his devoted partner ‘I think she sees me as a better man than I actually am’. He was a little sheepish and a little proud,  called forward to be that man she sees him as.

Seeing beyond what he has, to what he does, and who he is. Being in devotion to his consciousness that reflects the divine consciousness of the whole universe.

“creating special private moments of recognition”

How to worship him?  With your words is a good start, appreciating him directly and even saying things in front of others. Being obviously proud of him. Creating special private moments of recognition, or even dancing for him as a devotional offering. This can be simple and beautiful. You don’t have to be a dancer or look perfect!

More intimately you can worship his penis, touching him with reverence and devotion. This will be amazing for him to experience, way beyond sexual pleasure and gratification.

If you currently don’t have a partner, worship of the divine masculine can be offered to the men in your life, in appropriate ways. It can also be done as a more general practice and attitude towards the masculine.  Go back over your past relationships and worship what you were given. Even if there are other hurts, focus on the gifts for a time. It is powerful medicine. What you look for is what you see.

…………….

“not degrading yourself with negative self-talk”

If you would like to be worshipped for your masculine essence in relationship, how do you attract a partner who wants to do that?

First step is honouring your own masculine essence. Not degrading yourself with negative self-talk or giving up on your own development. Doing things that enhance consciousness and truth. Honouring other men’s efforts to be aware, present and awake.

The second step is worshipping the feminine essence. Seeing the divine in your partner, and in all women.

I’ll explore that further in the next blog ‘Worship and Sexual Essence – Feminine’.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

*Shiva lingam – A Hindu symbol of cosmic mysteries, often shaped as a phallus or an elongated egg. Linked to a time where people worshiped the Lingam and Yoni as the point of creation, energy, and enlightenment.

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