The 3A’s  of great relationships – Attraction, Alignment and Authenticity are the three essential ingredients for great relationships, friendships and collaborations. Remove one of these ingredients and it just doesn’t quite work.

An energetic pull that draws you together

1. Attraction is central to all our relationships. There is sexual attraction with our intimate partners, the spark of masculine and feminine opposites. In dating we simply want to see someone again. In friendships we like someone, we are drawn to them. At work, we have colleagues we prefer to be with, teams we want to be part of, a culture or creativity that attract us. Here we thrive. Even our pets are likable, lovable or just quirkily attractive to us.

Trying to be in an intimate relationship without attraction is a forced affair. It is a struggle that never fully goes away. There may be a huge amount of love, but if attraction is absent, it devolves more into companionship.

And I’m not just talking about physical attraction, but an energetic pull that draws you together, often in spite of physical preferences. ‘He’s not my usual type but I just want to be around him…’

Attraction in intimacy will ebb and flow over time, but how much depends on your commitment to keeping passion and love alive. As one of the 3 Traits of great relationships it is important!

Sharing core values and dreams

2. Alignment is also a major key to great relationships. If we are not sharing core values and dreams it is difficult to sustain an attraction. For example, if you are a man in your early forties and you really want to have a family, you may be extremely attracted to your girlfriend, but if she does not want children it’s not going to work. Or if you need monogamy and your partner needs an open relationship, your opposing desires for safety and freedom are not aligned.

You are pulling in opposite directions.

Or if your dream is to live and work in a cosmopolitan city, and your partner is miserable unless they are in the bush, the attraction will likely lessen under the strain of the non-alignment. Compromises can be made, but it’s not easy when they are big ones. But the plus is that you can discover new things through your partner.

In a work team, it is often more invigorating to have different points of view. But only when you are all aligned in service to a common goal or project.

Friendships can drift apart when not bound by a common interest, location, political leanings, shared sports, life-styles. Sometimes though, the heart alignment is stronger than these factors and the friendship endures all kinds of changes.

In intimate relationships an alignment of your sexual flavours and preferences makes it easier to flow together in love making. If one partner is very light and romantic and the other is more kinky and darker this can be fearful for one and boring for the other.

When we are authentic others can trust us

3. Authenticity creates trust, an essential for all good and strong relationships, intimate or otherwise. Being real and essentially yourself is being authentic. When we are authentic others can trust us because we do not have secrets or hidden motives. We are not projecting false identities over our true essence, or manipulating to get love and attention. We are vulnerable in the best kind of way.

If we commit to another from our authentic selves we will naturally keep our commitments and follow through. This builds the trust, which creates a container for attraction and love to grow and flourish. Authenticity is not about forcing our ‘truth’ onto another or being ‘honest’ in a way that hurts others unnecessarily. It is being true to ourselves and living love to others.

Authenticity is exciting, an aphrodisiac. It can bring back lost attraction or make it very clear if its not going to work.

If you are not able to be your authentic self in a relationship that is not healthy and needs to change.

Small amounts of awareness can go a long way

And there is a 4th A, the overarching aspect of Awareness. Connecting to lightness, humour, sacredness and ease. Small amounts of awareness can go a long way in our human stumbling towards love. No one is perfect, much less ourselves.

How are you doing with the 3 Traits of great relationships?

Are you showing and relishing your own attractiveness, or hiding it away? Are you trying to be attractive on the outside as a compensation to feeling not so attractive inside? Are you trusting and following your true attractions and desires in all your relationships? If not, why not?

Are you in acting in alignment with your own values and dreams? Do you recognise that getting involved with someone without enough alignment will lead to suffering? What will you compromise to be loved? Why?

Is authenticity something you welcome or fear? Are you a trustable person to be with because you are in touch with yourself and willing to risk being authentic with others? Do you let love in by being vulnerable? If not, are you working on it?

……And there is a  quiet 4th A  – Awareness – we can all keep evolving and doing our own work to increase our awareness in growth and consciousness. This positively impacts all our relationships.

Where coaching comes in

Cynthia

The post The 3 A’s of great relationships appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

I have a photo of myself as a young child, wearing a blue corduroy pinafore made by my mother, a huge smile, eyes literally shining with eagerness. I was naturally open, as most of us are. And well cared for. I wasn’t abused, abandoned or neglected, and yet I started protecting my heart. What would it take to get my heart open and love flowing?

As human beings we have a long gestation time in the womb, then once we are born, years of vulnerability follow. We lack sharp teeth, claws, armour, stingers or camouflage. From necessity we are hardwired for bonding to our protective parents and carers. Physically and emotionally this make us helpless and vulnerable.

I was raised by parents who were imperfect, just like me. Like most parents they were doing their best to survive and give their kids chances they didn’t get. A good education being the main one. Catholic primary school was an endurance test between being bullied by the boys for being too smart and chubby, and the regular cruelty of celibate nuns forced to teach classes with three kids in desks made for two.

It made perfect sense at the time to hide my soft centre, even eventually from myself. I decided it’s not safe to be open, as it leads to painful feelings. But as I grew and matured, I realised that protecting myself, closing off or shutting down physically or emotionally, is sometimes very necessary, but mostly it is not. Even when we may be actually safe, we can still close down because of the past.

The impact of life experiences

My family lived in a small house with a front lawn, with bright yellow daisies in the grass. One summer day I was freely running around until I was stung by a bee. It was a searing pain that didn’t last too long. But the fear of crushing another bee under my bare feet made me cautious about running around in yellow flowers for many years.

That’s a garden variety example of how we can protect ourselves whether the threat is real or imagined. And even if it is real, avoiding it may not be the answer. It temporarily pushes pain away, but at a cost.

And then life unfolded its opportunities and challenges, loving others, feeling love’s disappointments, a wonderful career as a filmmaker, spiritual awakenings, the joy of getting married and having a child, and years later the unexpected sadness of divorce.

And through it all, a meandering journey back to my open heart, to meeting life with vulnerability and a willingness to feel.

Are there times that our loving hearts needs protection? Yes, definitely. It is good to take care of our needs wisely and not be manipulated or exploited. Otherwise we can shrink and close up even more. And ultimately this can be done by discernment and walking away to a place where one is safe to be open. It can become a choice.

The illusion is that we need protection at all times to be safe

Protection is a paradox. It may aim to keep us safe but eventually it keeps us separate from others, and vulnerable to loneliness and despair, or to a feeling of superficiality in our lives and relationships.

The illusion is that we need protection at all times to be safe. The reality is that unless we are facing real harm, protection will keep us from the closeness we need to thrive. It can make us unhealthy, cause sickness and stress. It can prevent us resolving hurts and issues.

Protection also decreases pleasure. If we are contracting our bodies in protection, we are closing down to receiving and feeling deeply. Pleasure requires openness, relaxation and letting go.

If we are overly protected, we become more reactive to the ‘slings and arrows’ of life. It is like a shell that feels safe, but is actually brittle, and cracks with every movement. Without protection we have natural ‘shock absorbers’ to the knocks of life.

Do you know that moment when you do open up and let-go, and realise ‘wow I’ve been protecting myself’? You were so used to it you didn’t even notice it was there. It feels normal, but it isn’t.

Forms of protection

There are different ways that protection can show up in different people or at different times. And I’ve done most of them at times of high stress, fear or overwhelm. Protection can be criticising others, wanting others to change, or trying to fix them. So that we don’t have to feel, or really love. Withdrawing or isolating to be ‘safe’ or to reduce overwhelm. Being cerebral and analytical instead of raw and vulnerable.

The ‘blame game’ is a form of protection – making the other person wrong – needing to be ‘right’ or ‘in control’ to feel safe and secure. And creating the opposite.

Some people protect their hearts by avoiding commitment in intimate relationships. When mature people still want to keep it light, casual or uncommitted, there may be a good reason, but ultimately they never have to be really open to another in the deepest sense of showing your shadows and less ‘palatable’ side of the personality.

I would take risks to prove I wasn’t afraid. Jumping headfirst into relationships, life, projects. But I learnt that my protective identities were there to preserve the status quo, to keep me safe. If we deny them or disturb them too vigorously it can create a backlash, so we need to honour those protective parts of ourselves. But also, to be aware of what protection serves us and what harms us.

I had to learn how to let go, how to internally soften. Using breath practices and becoming bodily aware of tension or contraction and releasing it. Starting with the catharsis of bio-energetics, created by Dr. Alexander Lowen, and then over the years incorporating dynamic meditation and other Osho meditations and practices, several forms of yoga, dance and shamanic techniques to expand through the layers of belief and protection to enter the realms of unity consciousness. Choosing love whenever I was able to. Learning to discriminate between healthy boundaries and unhealthy protections. The latter by experience, feeling, and trusting my feelings. Finally, if something doesn’t feel right or good or clear then no matter what my mind (or other people) is telling me, I don’t go there.

We can also protect ourelves with certain types of clothing, attitudes, words, even holding inflexible opinions. Holding on to past hurts and resisting peaceful negotiations and resolutions. Preferring bitter resentment instead of seeking help. Avoiding inner work that would heal the hurts from past relationships.

Awareness opens the doors

When we first see our own protection, it can be a shock! But over time it is empowering, because then we can do the work and trust ourselves to make different choices in the future. Connecting with what we really want beyond the protection, also gives us the strength to face the fears, insecurity or shame.

Barriers are not boundaries. They are walls of closure, rather than clarity about self-value. Boundaries are self-care, barriers are protection.

I found, and continue to find, the courage to risk letting go of unnecessary protection, letting my guard down and letting life open me in all its wonderful and difficult ways.  Many wise people have helped me along the way. If I can do it, so can you.

With love and appreciation,
Cynthia

This article was first published on Uplift Connect

The post Heart Open and Love Flowing appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

With the current pandemic, we have restrictions on how we live and work. With the Easter holiday starting, these Coronavirus – Couples and singles tips for lockdown or isolation will be especially helpful.

FOR COUPLES

If you are a couple suddenly together in isolation then you may be running into some problems. Old patterns and conflicts resurfacing, sexual issues unresolved. In this crisis is an opportunity to find the deeper love and freedom between you, and create new possibilities.

We need space in intimate relationships to feel the pull of attraction, and that physical and emotional space is in short supply right now. Roles that were somewhat fixed are now all mixed up together. Partner, parent, lover, cook, carer, teacher – they no longer have defined space, and you have to be flexible. Having your own separate life and then meeting up at the end of the day has gone for many couples. We also need difference for attraction to happen.

Suddenly what was mildly irritating in your partner before, can be so frustrating at this time. Criticism and withdrawal, fighting and aggression can get amplified when stuck together in a tense, anxious time. Sexuality can diminish too. Boredom is a risk factor!

Disasters historically create more marriages and more divorces. Whatever is already present in the relationship is intensified. But there are small ways to make a big difference and improve, enhance your relationship. If  love and trust are your foundation, these tips will help.

What helps?

·      Take the time to know your own needs and communicate about them calmly and ongoingly. They will change. Listen to theirs and have space to receive their needs and wishes, even if you can’t fulfil them.

·      Sort out separate spaces in your house or apartment that are private, even if in the same room. An imaginary or real “do not disturb sign” is to be respected when in that space.  Deliberately spend time apart that is not just work time, or time with children.

·      Plan at least once a week, like Saturday night or Sunday morning to have time apart and then come together. (Put the kids in front of a fascinating movie if necessary.) Increase your masculine or feminine essence while apart, before you meet.

·      To cultivate feminine essence enjoy sensual, opening activities like a warm bath, a walk to open your senses (not just exercise), feel, dance, chat with friends. Practice surrender and flow.

·      To cultivate masculine essence be intentional, meditate, do a challenging workout, be online with men. Practice depth and direction.

·      Come together after this time alone and feel the polarity between you. Don’t try and pull them into your mode, enjoy the difference and offer love through your essence. This may be sensual, sexual or communing your way. Direction and surrender together creates polarity. The more the masculine one holds the container, the more the feminine one will relax. You can also play with swapping these energies and see what happens.

·      Sleeping alone occasionally increases polarity and attraction for many couples, but not if this feels too hard at this time.

·      Play, surprise, gift your partner. Be spontaneous. Fully dress up for a meal occasionally.

·      Offer a range of energies to each other, from light to dark, gentle to fierce, always through the heart to serve love. It is energising to dance and play with anger and frustration.

·      Give up the desire to be right. You may have very different views on the pandemic crisis and how it should be managed. Feel your heart and the heart of the other, beyond right and wrong. Choose love.

·      Know that many people are under the stress of difficult emotions. You are not responsible for what the other is feeling, and yet we are interconnected. Be compassionate but don’t be the rescuer. Rather empower them to work it out for themselves.

·  Do activities together that are bonding and blissful for both of you. Outdoor nature adventures where allowed, massage, playing silly games, sexually be adventurous. Don’t be together just for chores and admin or watching screens.

These Coronavirus – Couples and singles tips for lockdown –  are also good general wisdoms to follow at any time.

FOR SINGLES

If you are single, surprisingly the pandemic can be a very good opportunity to try new options, reset and reconnect with your vision for relationship.

The coronavirus regulations can be affecting you in very different ways. Some people are happily taking a break from dating and getting on with life. Others are yearning for relationship and envious of the couples who are physically close right now. Some are feeling sexually frustrated and unsure how long they can last alone. Couples who split up recently are dealing with strong grief as well as unfamiliar isolation.

If you relied on your community and friends for loving touch and connection, it is hard to replace, unless you are in a shared household. Virtual community is helpful, but it is not the same.

This is a potentially confusing time to be dating and looking for a partner or a lover. Do you have to resign yourself to being single and/or celibacy?

What helps?

·      If you have been reluctant to try online dating, or even given up on it, this is a chance to try it without too much commitment involved. Online dating starts as usual with winks and swipes and messages. Now instead of progressing into real life meetups, people are opting for virtual coffee dates and meals. The positive thing is that it gives you time to relax and build a connection. Also, to discern if the other person is right for you before the cascade of romance and sex hormones take over. One dating app has even created romantic backdrops for your virtual zoom dates!

·      A word of caution though – if you spend a lot of time building an online relationship as it provides good company during this time, you can find it falls apart when you do meet up physically. So, same as in real life, don’t put everything into the one connection until you are sure it’s what you want.

·      Deciding to take a deliberate break from dating can be an empowering option. Then you  can use the social isolation to prepare for future relationships by growing as much as possible.  A great time to reassess your vision for relationship, deal with your issues, raise your vibration and meet someone of a different calibre when isolation ends. What do you really need and want in an intimate relationship? And what will the person you want, be looking for?  If you are currently a ‘couch potato’ searching for an amazing god or goddess, will they be interested in you?

·      What would you like to master in your life? Having a new skill or creative expression, a fitness goal etc will be beneficial. Especially for the masculine essence a challenging goal will keep you digging deeper into focused awareness. This is a time to do that, to be fulfilling yourself and moving forward. What was your childhood dream?

·     Take lots of time to be outside if you can. Walking, swimming, bike riding etc. Waving, smiling, connecting with others at a distance all helps rise your spirits.

·     Loving touch can be self-given. Warm up some massage oil, or whatever you have at hand, and apply it with awareness and sensual touch, all over the body. Breathe and enjoy the sensations. If it feels sexual you can move into self-pleasuring.

·      Give from your unique sexual essence. It does not need to be given solely in a relationship. Others need your feminine radiance, love and feeling nature. Who can you shine on today? Or your masculine direction and guidance, your trustability. Who can you create safety for today?

…………………

Whatever our situation we have the freedom to respond with gratitude, openness and resilience. And it is essential to reach out for help if we need it at this time.

I hope these – Coronavirus – couples and singles tips for lockdown – make your time more passionate, loving and exciting.

with love

Cynthia

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Sexual healing can be transformational whether you are sexually partnered or going solo. For some people their sexuality is a free flow of pleasure and intimacy. Unfortunately, for many there are roadblocks, both physical and psychological. These blocks can have a big impact on our intimate relationships. Tantric love – sexual healing, they go together.

Sexuality is a very powerful biological urge for survival of the species. Our natural sexual expression can become diminished through trauma, abuse, anxiety, negative beliefs about self and misconceptions about sex. For some people it is the most fraught area of their lives and they suffer deeply.  Sometimes people just close that door altogether.

“all roadblocks and difficulties are potential doorways”

On the path of Tantric Love – Sexual healing, all roadblocks and difficulties are potential doorways to deeper awareness, love and freedom. Diving into them, rather than avoiding them, makes us vulnerable, which links us to our heart and begins the healing towards pleasure and intimacy.

Artwork by Ines Honfi
http://www.ineshonfi.com

Healing is a form of repair and enables us to move forward to create more of what we want. Firstly, sexual healing requires being fully present to the actual circumstances of one’s sexuality. Not the idealised version we may wish for or pretend, but the nitty gritty of your reality both past and now. In my experience healing can be like layers of an onion, where different circumstances and life stages bring up new issues requiring compassion, action and presence.

Over the years I have been introduced to sexual healing practices, and also beyond healing to creative sexual expression. Below I will share with you a few of these, and the most important way to sexually heal that I have discovered.

“Sacred Spot healing”

The ‘SACRED SPOT’ healing for the feminine is a practice I came across in Maui many years ago. This method presupposes that past sexual and emotional traumas are stored in a woman’s genitals especially the g-spot, and can be released by lovingly massaging and stimulating that area. Releasing her sexual energy to flow more freely through her body. The partner who is serving her in this healing needs to be fully present and allowing, holding eye contact continuously. This ritual practice can be done by a male or female partner, or an experienced, trusted sexual healer.

Sacred spot healing can release a lot of emotional pain and open the body to more ecstasy. However, it is a practice that requires clear boundaries, strong presence and trust. Not recommended if you are in any kind of disconnection with your partner.  Also it could be re-traumatising if there has been significant sexual abuse. Don’t push or pressure yourself, just a little experimentation is fine. Be happy with small results. This may not be for you, or it may be very freeing. You decide if this feels right for you.

If you want to try this on your own it can be done by finding a safe and private space, then stimulating your g-spot and allowing a free flow of feelings and associations to move through your body. As above, don’t push or pressure yourself, just a little experimentation is fine.

“you can heal past trauma”

PRESSING LOVE into wounds and closures. If you are blessed with a partner who is able to be fully and lovingly present for you, you can heal past trauma by acknowledging it, sharing about it and being witnessed in love.

Lying together intimately, speak about the wounding. Trust your own pace. If you shake and tremble, allow your body to move naturally while your partner holds a loving space. There is no rescuing or problem solving required.  In fact, being overly sympathetic will be detrimental. Rather be  present and let your partner express and move through the trauma in the new space of love.

This vulnerability can be erotic, so be prepared for the energy to shift in that direction…. or not.

If you are a feminine essence witnessing for a masculine essence it can affect your polarity . If this is the case, when it is complete, separate from each other and regain your natural polarity before meeting again sexually.

Pressing love also can be done alone by feeling and expressing what needs to be healed, with deep heartfelt compassion for yourself.

Seeing a trusted counsellor or coach can also help you bring love into past wounds, supporting your healing and moving forward.

“our sexuality changes as we go through stages of life“

ACCEPTANCE of sexual anxieties and dysfunctions. There are many things that can and do go wrong for people with their bodily sexual functioning. And for all of us, our sexuality changes as we go through stages of life.  Hormones change or we may have chronic health issues. Childbirth and parenting can have a dramatic affect on libido and sexuality. The older male body can have problems with impotence and sustaining erections. An ageing female body can experience vaginal dryness and painful lovemaking.  It can be difficult to adjust. In the past our life spans rarely exceeded our fertility and so the modern dilemma of being sexually active with ageing bodies is a newish phenomenon.

There are medical interventions and natural treatments that can help at these different stages of life and sexuality. It is good to research these possibilities, get trusted advice and do what works for you. However, many people experience shame and discomfort and avoid sharing about these issues with a partner, or even with a medical professional.

So first we need deep compassion and acceptance of our own bodies. The vulnerability that comes with these changes is a rich opportunity for sexual healing. As we honestly admit and accept where we are at, with all the loss of ego and identity that may involve, we come closer to that tender, revealed intimacy that we long for.

Naturally we then move forward to find solutions and other ways of enjoying sexual pleasure and connection. The whole body is an erogenous zone and polarity is the best aphrodisiac there is. Polarity is energetic and can be felt without even touching.

Some people change their sexual orientation and as well as the possible inner confusion, there is often angst at being accepted by others.

Acceptance and self-honesty give us the internal support and self-knowledge we need. This brings the confidence to share our fears with a partner. We are less dependent on their reaction and ready to explore new ways to open and feel.

“the most powerful sexual healing tool”

BEING PRESENT to whatever needs to be integrated is the most powerful sexual healing tool of them all. Each time we embrace and own something that is not ideal, is painful, stirs up past traumas, or is embarrassing, then our sexuality becomes richer and more Tantric. The concept of Tantric love – Sexual healing then has rich meaning for us.

Tantra involves embracing what is, with deep compassion and interest. The physical and the psychological. In this way we find the treasures that reveal themselves on the path of love and awareness. Radical self-honesty and compassion isn’t easy, and it can take an unknown length of time to move through the issues into the space beneath them. It may feel safer to just close down. And closing down is ok too, as then we embrace the closure.

And even when closed, we listen for the rustle of love on our skin and the whisper of passion in our ear. And we say yes.

“Solo healing practice for you”

SOLO HEALING PRACTICE for men and women:  If you would like to do this gentle practice – and feel safe to do so – gather some simple art materials or just writing materials, and find a completely private place and relax for a few moments.

Option 1: Place a hand on your genitals. Just take some time to connect to this part of your body. Take your breath there in a non-forced way, simply being present and compassionate towards yourself. Notice what arises. Memories, thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations. Accept whatever arises as completely valid. Then relax and stretch and return to the world around you. Using your art materials to express what has arisen-  draw, write, or both. Its not an art work, it’s a personal expression.

Option 2: If you have a history of sexual abuse that you haven’t worked through in therapy, I suggest you can sit in the same position as above, connect to your own heart,  and simply breathe love and compassion into your genitals for a few breaths. Accept whatever you feel as completely valid. Relax out of the position and stretch and return to the world around you. Repeat as feels right to you.

I trust my blog on Tantric love – Sexual healing has sparked inspiration for you.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

The post Tantric love – Sexual healing appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Once you understand the basic nature of masculine and feminine essences and polarity, it is much easier to activate sexual passion and sexual polarity now.  In 30 seconds, or a little longer, you can activate your own sexual essence, alone or with a partner. This is how to amplify your essence when you only have a few minutes to do so.

Solo – for Him – sexual polarity now

* set a courageous intention for your day and take one action towards it.
* breathe down into your lower body, full and deep. Front and back.
* connect to the earth through your feet and root yourself into the ground.
* eye gaze at yourself in the mirror, without moving.
* take a warrior stance that is powerful for you, and hold it while breathing deeply.

Solo – for Her – sexual polarity now

* lift your arms and make a sphere around your body with your hands in a light, flowing way.
* place your hands on your womb and sink down into it, eyes closed.
* move your body wildly, prow and growl.
* do something you have never done before.
* in a private space stroke your own body as a lover would, feeling it.                                                                                     *touch the fabrics in your clothing, your wardrobe or in a shop. Enjoy the feel.

Couples – for couples who trust each other – sexual polarity now

Fundamentally sexual polarity is about one person occupying a masculine directional energy and the other person a surrendered feminine energy. These practices are for couples who have agreement about exploring masculine and feminine essence in a loving way.

For Him
* give her your undivided attention with full presence, with the attitude of worshipping her.  *direct her with your loving guidance to do something that benefits her.
* admire and verbally appreciate her body, her shape, her look, her sexiness.
* have a hot, fragrant bath ready for her when she gets home. Then leave her alone, wait.
* press her against the wall, lovingly, gently but firmly, so she has no choice but surrender.

For Her
* acknowledge him as your handsome hero, naming how he supports you.
* flirt with him, make no sense, be illogical, mysterious.
* show him your naked body when he doesn’t expect it, and then drift away….
* offer your feminine flow and bodily movement to evoke his presence.
* give him pleasure in the way that he likes.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

The post Sexual Polarity Now appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Worship – “the act of giving worth to something”.  How do we integrate worship and sexual essence – masculine, combining the sacred and the ordinary?

Recently I saw a ‘shiva lingam’* in nature. On a wild beach a branch was set upright into a tree trunk base. It was a powerful symbol and I felt spontaneously moved to adorn it. I arranged a swirl of dried grasses around the base, and then threaded together beautiful seaweed branches, dry and pliable, into a small sculptural offering. A fragile, luminescent shell in a tray of bark completed my ‘altar’.

Then came a deep bow of gratitude to all the wonderful masculine energy that contributes to my, and all our lives. The action heroes, the wise warriors, the protective spirit, the Shiva qualities of calmness, compassion, mastery of ego. It was a sacred moment of worship of the divine masculine consciousness.

What is the role of worship in sexual essence?

When we hear the term ‘worship the divine masculine or feminine in your partner’ it may sound attractive, corny or even weird. How can we worship another human being? A human being who may seem actually very ordinary as we go through our busy lives. And could it even be dangerous, unreal and give a sense of inflation? If it is done with a projection of perfection onto someone it could be problematic. But when done with full recognition of the flaws and foibles of a person, worship in our relationships is uplifting and takes us into the luminosity of the sacred.

“worshipping the masculine”

The evolving masculine is usually not looking for compliments or rewards for his good deeds. He flies under the radar and aims for deeper integrity every day of his life. He attempts to live his purpose, to awaken himself and support others, to be someone who makes a positive difference. In his own way, in his own sphere of influence.

Appreciation is the first step to worship.  Look for what he is doing right, his awareness, presence, what he is contributing and what you trust in him. When you appreciate him and actually tell him, then he becomes more trustable, and he is inspired to be deeper.

This doesn’t mean you can’t be real with him about things that concern you. In fact, you can do that more when you also offer worship.

Artwork by Ines Honfi http://www.ineshonfi.com

Worship in sexual essence is the next step, and a little riskier, more deeply loving. It is given to those who you trust. It means going beyond all the external stuff and worshiping his core masculine essence. The aspect in him that reflects the divine, that is the divine showing up in human form.

It is not about worshipping his ego or making him feel better. Rather it’s a deep recognition of the strength, power, compassion and integrity at his core.

Recently a man said to me about his devoted partner ‘I think she sees me as a better man than I actually am’. He was a little sheepish and a little proud,  called forward to be that man she sees him as.

Seeing beyond what he has, to what he does, and who he is. Being in devotion to his consciousness that reflects the divine consciousness of the whole universe.

“creating special private moments of recognition”

How to worship him?  With your words is a good start, appreciating him directly and even saying things in front of others. Being obviously proud of him. Creating special private moments of recognition, or even dancing for him as a devotional offering. This can be simple and beautiful. You don’t have to be a dancer or look perfect!

More intimately you can worship his penis, touching him with reverence and devotion. This will be amazing for him to experience, way beyond sexual pleasure and gratification.

If you currently don’t have a partner, worship of the divine masculine can be offered to the men in your life, in appropriate ways. It can also be done as a more general practice and attitude towards the masculine.  Go back over your past relationships and worship what you were given. Even if there are other hurts, focus on the gifts for a time. It is powerful medicine. What you look for is what you see.

…………….

“not degrading yourself with negative self-talk”

If you would like to be worshipped for your masculine essence in relationship, how do you attract a partner who wants to do that?

First step is honouring your own masculine essence. Not degrading yourself with negative self-talk or giving up on your own development. Doing things that enhance consciousness and truth. Honouring other men’s efforts to be aware, present and awake.

The second step is worshipping the feminine essence. Seeing the divine in your partner, and in all women.

I’ll explore that further in the next blog ‘Worship and Sexual Essence – Feminine’.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

*Shiva lingam – A Hindu symbol of cosmic mysteries, often shaped as a phallus or an elongated egg. Linked to a time where people worshiped the Lingam and Yoni as the point of creation, energy, and enlightenment.

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Reverse polarity can wreck your love life.

It is often hard to recognise as a cause of relational stress. This is because it can look like the usual conflicts and problems caused by different personality or attachment styles. However, once you recognise it, then you can do something about it.

 5 signs of reverse polarity in a relationship or dating are:

1.     Constantly feeling frustrated and resentful towards your partner or dating partners. They ‘should’ be different.

2.     You feel burdened or oppressed, unappreciated, and not free to be yourself.

3.     You are doubting the relationship and being attracted elsewhere, even though you deeply love each other.

4.     You are dating men or women that leave you disinterested and unexcited.

5.     Sex is non-existent or minimal and feels functional or even boring.

What is reverse polarity?

Reverse polarity happens when the natural polarity between masculine and feminine becomes reversed. He takes more of the She role than is natural to him, and She takes more of the He role than is natural to her.

This is not the same as when He is exploring or expressing his feminine side, or She is developing and enjoying her masculine side. Reverse polarity occurs when this has tipped over into a situation where one is occupying the space of the other essence. Therefore, the polarity has become unconsciously reversed. The magnets are repelling each other, not attracting.

Between a man and a woman who are naturally mostly masculine and feminine essence, when the polarity becomes reversed the woman becomes the one who is the most directive, focused, protecting, financially supporting, stable, responsible, mission orientated, calling the shots. The man becomes the one who is more receptive, emotional, going with the flow, focused on relationships and feelings, and even self-doubting.

The woman will then be busy prodding him into action, as he seems slow to move or to be responsible or to grow. He will be wanting her to slow down, relax, leave him alone. While he is feeling increasingly less purposeful, she will be more ambitious and anxious. Their love starts to be clouded by this feeling that something isn’t right.

They are not living their natural essence in the relationship. If they were happy to naturally occupy these energies there would be polarity, not reverse polarity. Reverse polarity can wreck your love life.

What causes reverse polarity?

1.     Inequality in income over time, where She earns considerably more and therefore feels she has more authority over how their money is spent.

2.     He is being the house-husband and minding the children full-time, but not because that is his gift or he wants to.

3.     He is financially looked after by his busy and over-worked partner while he pursues his creative dreams.

4.     He loses his job and is unemployed for too long, or has career failures that break him, or a prolonged illness and She picks up the slack.

5.     Lack of understanding of the differences between masculine and feminine, so drifting out of polarity or continually taking the other’s space.

6.     He is continually trying to please Her, or to keep the peace he denies his own needs and masculine energy.

7.     She is scared to let go into her feelings and embodied flow.

8.     Previous trauma or wounding creates protection, which shows up in this way.

How to end reverse polarity and regain polarity:

1.     He gives his direction into the relationship.

2.     She steps back more energetically so He can step up more.

3.     He takes equal or more responsibility for the finances. (If he is not as capable they may decide for her to do it.)

4.     She takes more time for herself and to be embodied and feeling.

5.     He spends more time with trustable men.

6.     She stops taking responsibility for Him and trusts him to get on with it himself or suffer the consequences.

7.     He initiates more scheduling, time keeping, planning, date nights, where and when to meet.

8.     She practices receptivity and stops doing the work in the relationship for both of them.

It may be uncomfortable

It can be challenging to change a reverse polarity as there will be reasons why you have occupied the other space. It may be uncomfortable to admit what’s happening. However, the rewards are great when the natural polarity is restored as She will finally relax, and He will feel his purpose.

If you are dating you will be able to bring out the opposite essence of the other. You will also attract different people.

You will feel authentic, aligned and happier and have the sexual polarity that makes for a wonderful loving union.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

The post 5 signs of reverse polarity appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Recently I did my first Facebook live video and it went very well!  The main thing, as always, is getting started. One lovely comment was “It was like watching you in circle…confident, feminine and open….beautiful”,  so that’s awesome feedback. Especially as a problem I had before doing my initial work on essence and polarity, (almost twenty years ago with the brilliant David Deida), was feeling unseen! Are you feeling unseen or unvalued?

If so you are not alone as many people who come to my Living Love workshops and sessions feel unseen or unvalued for the man or woman they truly are. Whether single or partnered this can be painful to experience, and we start protecting ourselves around it, pretending we don’t really care. 

For a man, if he is feeling undervalued, or not honoured as a man, it is often reflecting his attitude to himself. He may have been heavily critiqued by previous partners or a parent, and feel diminished and not trusting his core strength.

He may even doubt his masculinity, although he is a very trustable and caring man. Past painful experiences led him to shrink and his presence is reduced. Women respond to present, confident men.

For a woman,she may feel she is invisible, or even seen only for her inner beauty, not for her whole self. Why is this? Usually it is because the woman doesn’t really show herself, she is hiding or diminishing her love-light.

She is waiting for the right time or the right person before she risks opening. Often she expects others to see through her fears and protections and discover who she really is.

And while this may happen in fairy tales, romantic movies or books, in real life it’s rare. More common is this woman is overlooked in favour of others who are more open and willing to be seen.

If we want to create more love in our lives we need to practise and work to reveal ourselves authentically.

Our fears are there for sure and need to be acknowledged and appreciated along the path.  Don’t wait to be discovered!

Give the gift of you fully. Now.

Appreciating you with love and trust,

Cynthia

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Today I want to share with you my 3 Love Myths revealed. I am regularly coming across these myths in clients and I want to reveal the truth about these myths, because they inhibit and damage relationships.

MYTH #1 ”I have to love myself before anyone else will. Otherwise I will attract the wrong sort of partner or bad behaviour from a current partner.”

This concept has some truth to it, in that the more we love ourselves, and honour our values and our needs, the more confidence we have to call out what is not ok for us. However it really is a limiting myth, often used as a protection from being hurt. It makes us wait for love, and get engaged in ‘fixing’ oneself in order to have love. I find it is generally the feminine essence that tends to look inwards for what is ‘wrong’ with her.

Take a look around you at the people who are in growing, loving relationships. Do they love themselves more than most people? ‘No’ is generally the answer. They are growing in love because they are in a loving relationship, and working on the areas of unlove within their relationship. They didn’t believe they had to be perfect or fix themselves or love themselves more before they entered relationship. In fact, they often see relationship as a way to grow in self- love.

Single people often look at the inappropriate people they are attracting and say ‘I must not be ready, I don’t love myself enough. I’ll wait.’ Instead they could trust themselves, follow their attractions, and at each crucial step ask themselves “what do I need to do now to be more self loving?”

Truly loving oneself is a life-long process of varied experiences, of risking self-expression and gaining awareness. It’s a hard won authenticity and trust in ones own values, gifts and integrity.

“Living Love is love for yourself and others. Being able to love each part of you and give that love with no judgements.” Erik Klose, sales

MYTH #2 “Women don’t really want men to be vulnerable, they think it’s weak.”

In the Living Love workshops men often feel and express vulnerability, as women do. It’s part of being true to the range of feelings we all have when connecting to others. However, for many men there is fear that if they show this vulnerability they will be labelled as weak by women, and other men. Women also have this fear of vulnerability too, due to our overall culture of ‘soldiering on’, and becoming numb to feeling.

This Love Myth is not true. Women actually love men who can be vulnerable, as it shows he is strong enough to reveal it. He is present to himself and being authentic, two very attractive masculine qualities for the feminine. They respect him for it. And they intuit that a man who is suppressing these feelings will be rigid and unable to feel into them, or welcome their vulnerabilities or difficult emotions. They feel his incongruity, the false bravado, or the withdrawal.

At a workshop recently one of the men opened the sharing with disclosing a fear he had. The whole room just went deeper and the women loved and respected this man for it.

Vulnerability is not the same as collapse. This is what women struggle with, when a man collapses, and cannot hold his own vulnerability. Then the best way to support him is giving him the love, the space and the trust that he will work it out.

“Deep, real work. Living Love helped me become a better person. Realising my true nature – Love.”  Vin Singh, finance

MYTH #3. “Men don’t like strong women, and are scared of women’s wildness and fierce love.”

This is not true. Many good men are attracted to strong, powerful and successful women.

If she is living her powerful, feminine self it is attractive and exciting to men. She presents a level of challenge that they welcome. They want a strong woman at their side. Her wildness is a mystery that excites him. Especially when she can be soft and vulnerable too.

In the Living Love workshops, women regularly express fear that if they show their powerful, fierce, or wild energies the men will run away, as this may have happened in the past. However when women risk revealing their authentic power, through he heart, for love, the men are always asking for more. Literally. They are riveted by the sight of a woman in her free expression and energy. They constantly say they would rather have a few minutes of fierce love if they need it, rather than drawn out nagging, talking, processing. It cuts through. When a woman trusts her own power, she will attract a man who values it.

However, if a woman is operating from a masculine layer of protection, and the energy is more masculine power, strong men won’t be so attracted. There won’t be the polarity of her femininity energy meeting his masculine energy.

Fierce love is love, it’s not criticism. It’s not controlling or trying to intimidate a man. It’s from the heart of woman, wide open. If you are dating, you may not want to spill it all out on a first date – build the connection and see how he responds to your power (and vulnerability).

And again, look around at relationships you admire, and see if the women are strong and sometimes fierce? And loving with it. Mostly that is the case.

Appreciating you with love and trust,

Cynthia

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Where are you putting your energy, thoughts and attention in your relationships? This makes a huge difference to the quality of love in your life. To make it simple we can understand it as the Me, We, Us stages of love.* Each stage of love builds on the other one, and we evolve through each stage, as does our wider society.  Fulfilment, sacred purpose and deep intimacy happen in the Us stage.

‘absorbed by our thoughts and desires’

In the Me stage you are focusing on yourself and your own needs, thoughts, wishes, fears, desires and anxieties. Here we learn what we are feeling and thinking, as well as what we need and want. However, in the Me stage we are contained in our own world and have a limited view of reality.  Absorbed by our thoughts and desires, in this stage we can be closed to others who we don’t understand or who hold different views to us. It’s a mono perspective on love and life.

Marriage or intimacy  in the Me stage tends to be based on dependent relationships with others. We become ‘role mates’, with each doing their proscribed role so that the individual needs are met by the roles.  Love can be present, but generally in a limited, conditional way. As long as each fulfils their role in the relationship. We fear change in this stage.

The Me stage can have a lot of polarity between masculine and feminine, because  each person is immersed in their different roles, needs and desires. Power can be easily misused in this stage as we look for another to fill our needs, rather than become whole. Lust can have free rein as individual desires are the focus. Sexual relations can also be dutiful and oppressive. Problems are set in stone and to be suffered through.

‘sexuality will be more comforting and predictable’

As we grow personally and spiritually we enter the We stage. Here you are focused on yourself and the other. It’s not just about you any more, there is another being here too. You extend your empathy and awareness into them, taking on their perspective, needs and desires as well as your own. In this stage, there is a lot of talking, listening and negotiating. Fairness and equality are highly valued. Boundaries are developed, and honouring them is deeply important. In the We stage, understanding self and others, therapeutic activities, and clear communication are prioritised. Problems are things to be successfully solved.

Most business activities rely on the We stage, as contracts and agreements are made to create and build trust. Intimate relationships happen between two independent, whole people who are careful not to dominate or have power imbalances. It’s very emotionally healthy but also neutralised, as differences are being smoothed out and balanced for the sake of achieving equality. Sexuality will be more comforting and predictable, with mutual pleasuring and permissions negotiated.

‘the Us stage has a mysterious quality’

The Us stage is where our focus becomes more attracted to love, freedom, awareness, spirit and sacredness. After knowing your self (Me stage) and being able to hold healthy boundaries and build trust (We stage) you can then surrender into the force of love moment to moment. Boundaries can soften to allow merging with another, and the whole of existence. Beyond dependence (Me stage), wholeness and independence (We stage) we find interdependence (Us stage). This is a multi-perspective view on love and life.

Relating is exciting and fulfilling in the Us stage as each person can give their gifts to the other and to all.  The Us stage has a mysterious quality as it is delving into the unknown. ‘We stage’ rules do not apply here. Boundaries shift, and fairness is not a factor as love is more important. In the Us stage, you are connected to spirit and sacred purpose, and open to the deepest intimacy. You go beyond the the personality and ego into intimate communion, sacred sexuality, humour, selfless service, playfulness and creativity. Problems dissolve in the Us stage. Polarity and ravishment is strong in Us stage as differences are celebrated, and diversity is a strength. Sexuality becomes devotional and an embodied prayer of love.

‘perhaps you feel hurt or angry’

We hopefully evolve through these three stages in our lives as we grow and mature. You can also experience shifting through all three stages in a short space of time. Imagine the scenario where you are heatedly arguing with your partner or a colleague. Most likely you are initially focused on your own needs and feelings. Perhaps you feel hurt or angry, upset, betrayed or badly done by. They are not behaving in the right way for you.  You don’t care what they are feeling at all.

Then, you become aware of this and start to notice them and their feelings as well as your own. You become interested in their point of view. You may listen and ask questions and look for mutual solutions. The air lightens and tensions start to dissolve. Arguing stops, and you both feel relieved but there’s not much aliveness between you.

Next, you remember the Us possibility and dive straight into what will open the most love for all in that moment. You locate love beyond fairness, beyond being right or wrong. And give up your fixed position from a place of strength not weakness. You feel the love that is in all things, including the other’s heart, and surrender to how love and awareness move in you and through you. Can you trust crazy wisdom, and you act spontaneously for the sake of love? Then you experience oneness directly. The relating is intensely alive. In intimacy this leads to passionate polarity.

‘from problem solving to problem dissolving’

This transformation can happen in the space of a few minutes as you shift your attention from the problem, to problem solving, to problem dissolving. We get tantalising glimpses of this oneness, this connection with the other and all beings. However it can take years of practice to have a solid ability to shift into the Us stage.  Those who live there permanently are the gurus and teachers that we have traditionally revered for their ability to transmit this possibility to us, and to show us the way.

Now we have available the tools and teachings to make it possible to know the stages, to embrace them, learn from them and evolve through them.

with love

Cynthia

The post Me, We, Us – stages of love. appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.