Losing Myself to Find Myself

In my youth I had a natural radiance and embodied vitality. I call it the ‘free radiance’ of young women. In my reproductive years I was in my feminine prime; strong, free, sexually alive. As I traversed fifty and beyond, the hormonal wheels slowed down and the fertility cycle eventually ended. I, and many female friends and clients, faced an emotional and physical challenge and an identity shake-up; a reshaping of how I see myself. I had to let go of old identities and embrace new, fresh perspectives. To find the true essence of sexual maturity.

As fertility declines the body changes, especially for women, and that affects our sexuality to different degrees. It is almost impossible to be prepared for that. Fortunately, these changes happen gradually and we have time to integrate and adjust. I found that the youth focus of our culture and the lack of dissemination of elders’ sacred wisdom can have a debilitating effect on sex, intimacy and love over fifty.

New Vigour and Creativity Emerges

I wanted to lean into my spiritual experiences, to the collective wisdom and also listen to my body so that I could embrace this transition as a sacred doorway to greater spirituality and fulfillment. As I climbed ‘over the hill’, I contemplated that I was entering the fertile ‘valley’ of tantric spirituality.

Over a few years this change does settle down and a new vigour and creativity emerges. I was even relieved at being free of the hormonal ‘drama’, clearer about my own needs and boundaries. And more powerful. Some women report having less interest in sex, for others it is the opposite. Or the desire to have a different type of sex and intimacy.

Cultivate Your Spiritual Foundation – Know Thyself

That is when my lifelong habits and spiritual practices came to the fore. I was fortunate to have a background in personal growth and Tantra and while the menopause years were not easy, I knew and had practiced for many years shining love through my body. To the best of my ability. My years studying the work of David Deida, sexuality author and teacher, plus other guides and mentors, taught me that our ability to be radiant love and deeply present are not dependant on any idea of perfection.

Image: Timur Romanov on Unsplash

However, in the realms of love, sex and intimacy as doorways to the divine, we benefit from embodied daily practice when younger. I didn’t really understand that until later. Initially, I was attracted to this opening into the divine, and in my usual style, dived straight in. It has not always been an easy path to follow. Now I may not be as radiant or wrinkle free as the younger me, but I can be wiser, kinder and sexier – more tantric in my approach to life and love.

As a woman with a predominantly feminine essence, the practice is to flow, breathe fully, open my body, let go and locate love. Whatever our gender, we all have both feminine and masculine aspects. For the masculine, the practice is to become more fully present, free and deeply aware, through the whole body.

I discovered that while men over fifty do not have the same decline in fertility as women, they do have a gradual decline of testosterone and can experience less sexual desire and ability. Together with the changes that women are having, this can affect sexuality, intimacy and relationships. Sexuality is fundamental to the sacred union of masculine and feminine, but over fifty years of age and beyond, it may not look like sex as we once knew it.

For men and women there can be physical issues that might need medical support and guidance. There are treatments, hormones, creams and pills etc. to assist older people in maintaining a healthy and connected sex drive. And the good news is that aging also pushes us into a natural flow of slower, more spiritual sexuality and deeper connection.

Psychologically, letting go of self-judgment is also challenging as our bodies can feel like they have ‘betrayed’ us. They haven’t, but they are naturally changing. However, our ability to slow down, breathe and be more fully in our bodies can actually increase with age. We are more likely to have the time and the inclination to ‘drop in’, to let go.

The Tango – The Dance of Synchronicity

This general change in men brings them more in sync with women. And women have long been available for prolonged foreplay and slower, more varied love making. As we come off the sexual ‘peak’ we are able to explore more the heart connection and the sexual subtleties of the ‘valley’. The next stage of tango can begin.

If we are able to take the performance pressure off our sexuality it can lead to longer, more relaxed love making sessions. And, if necessary, more ‘outercourse’ than intercourse. The usual paradigm of foreplay, arousal, penetration and orgasm may be off the menu for some, which hopefully leads to exploring new territory. Whole body massage and arousal, a sense of playfulness, slowing down and being in the moment. If we don’t focus on the way it used to be, we can be open to how it can be Now.

As he ages, the masculine can find himself discovering more of his feminine side, not needing to lead and direct so often. The feminine can also find herself post menopause in a more direct and focused energy. We have both feminine and masculine energies, but most people identify more with one or the other. The feminine essence in any gender is motivated by the flow of love and feelings, relationships, connection, community. The masculine essence is drawn to mission and purpose, directing the flow of energy, free from emotions. The predominance of one or the other can change as we go through different stages of our lives, but especially as we get older and our hormones change.

This can be a good time for the masculine to relax and sink deeper, letting go of some of the ‘doing’ and move more into ‘being’. At the same time for a woman it can be a very empowering time. Free of her hormonal cycle she can create what she wants and enjoy her life and sexuality with abandon.

For me, connection is the ultimate key to sexuality, love and intimacy. This intimate communion is deepened by embracing any limitations and changes each person is going through. It requires a flexibility and self-acceptance that develops over time. There is no quick answer, but it is helpful to know that many are in the same boat. And there are new ways of being together that will surprise you with their intensity and joy. Finally, we can focus on what is really important – being as one, the divine union and the aliveness of spirit in the body.

Peaks and Valleys

We have tended to see the ‘peak’ as the ultimate goal, the desirable summit, full of adrenaline and discovery. But for myself as I grow older, there are still some peaks of course, but the treasures and the pleasures of the valley are more enticing.

I have been partnered and single in these years over fifty. And in both circumstances, I found it essential to keep my sexual energy alive and my heart open. The tools we can all use are varied and include emotional intelligence, movement, meditation, healthy lifestyle, self-pleasuring, deepening into your masculine and feminine essence, breath work, pelvic opening and self-inquiry.

I had to find courage to be honest about my own changes and needs. Being willing to find the loving way through, without giving up, develops closeness and resilience in relationships.  The rewards, if we push through that barrier, can be astounding; the intimate sharing and revelation of our vulnerabilities can unlock our hidden sacred depths. In the valley we find ourselves, each other and the pure union of togetherness and oneness.

I trust this article will support you in discovering the true essence of sexual maturity for you.

love

Cynthia

First published on Uplift Connect: https://upliftconnect.com/the-true-essence-of-sexual-maturity/

The post The True Essence of Sexual Maturity appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

My Conversations with Renowned Gurus

A good activity for coronavirus isolation time for me is to be creative. My immediate workshop schedule is cancelled and all international trips are on hold. I am writing a book and find myself writing about the wisdom pressed into me by life and my personal story. I didn’t know I would soon be experiencing time travel with the masters for their advice on coronavirus!

Firstly I notice what arises in myself and others. There is the fear of contracting the virus and being one of those who get really sick. Even a fear of death as I watch those statistics rising around the world. And then worry about financial collapse as our economy takes a huge hit. Lots of reasons to be on an emotional roller coaster ride. And the waves of fear and anxiety can be very subtle, even just a low buzz of stress.

I was writing about Tantra¹ and how my interest in it started when I was a devotee of the Indian guru Osho. I got to thinking what advice would Osho have for me, and others, about the pandemic? And what about other teachers and wisdom keepers who contributed to my spiritual embodiment. What would Ramana Maharshi, and Papaji, have to say if I was fortunate enough to hang out with them for a while? These wise men of India are no longer living. I ask my mind’s eye and heart and spirit to conjure up playful visualisations …

Meeting Osho in My Imagination

I am sitting with Osho on a velvet couch in India and we are chatting over tea. Next to us is a beautiful pond with two swans gliding past. I tell him about my first taste of him when I came across the book, ‘Only One Sky: On the Tantric Way of Tilopa’s Song of Mahamudra’ which was a series of his discourses on Tantra. 

Never had I read anything so spiritually compelling. I felt I was receiving a direct transmission of Truth. My consciousness expanded, clarity sparkled and the concept of celebration of life entered me. In my heart there was a connection to Osho.

He smiles at me and I feel myself expanding in his beam of unconditional love. Encouraged, we reminisce about the TV film I made about him in the late ’80s. I was in the midst of integrating all the distressing things that happened in those last years of his American commune. And the loss of innocence that rocked me. And yet there was the undeniable truth of the Buddha-nature I felt in his presence. 

Osho. Image: Ma Vivek

Again, that Osho presence and smile, and the way it relaxes me into a feeling of deep acceptance. I ask him, ‘What about the coronavirus pandemic?’

He sits in silence for a long moment. Then he tells me it is a reminder of the truth of our existence. There is no certainty in life. We are here to celebrate. Not to cling to life, security and the known. But to meet the unknown, the mystery of life with celebration, laughter, and love.

I remind him that during the AIDS epidemic he quickly had his followers taking very strict protection measures. Condoms, plastic mouth dams and no kissing was the order of the day. Osho knew that the sexual freedom he encouraged would leave his tribe vulnerable.

‘Yes’, he says to me, ‘life is sacred, and we must protect it. This is love.’ Hmmm, I think, protect and celebrate, that works! We can do what needs to be done, but we don’t have to be gloomy about it. We can respect the grief and loss of life that has come for many, be deeply compassionate, and still acknowledge the inherent beauty of life. There is no need to feel guilty about joy. 

Were he alive today I am sure Osho would cancel his live gatherings and very quickly adapt to the most modern technology available to spread his message.

We smile at each other and namaste our goodbye, in a heartfelt connection. 

The Day I Sat with Papaji

One year after Osho died, I heard that many of his followers were visiting another guru or teacher in Lucknow, India, named Sri Poonjaji. I managed a short visit to sit with him in Satsang (gathering together for the truth). Short, but it made a big impression. Papaji was not young yet he seemed full of life and laughter. Bemused at this sudden influx of Western disciples he still held Satsang in his house and the meeting room was overflowing. There was a lot of light-hearted energy and many there were relieved to have found another living master. 

I wasn’t looking for a master, yet I was in love with the energy, the vibration of expansion that filled his room and those who came close to him. He was ordinary, yet not ordinary. I later read his biography and was amazed at how he had gone from being an engineer to a Krishna bhakti, to a devotee of one of the most revered Indian sages, Sri Ramana Maharshi. 

H. W. L. Poonja, a.k.a. Papaji. Image: Avadhuta Foundation

‘Call off the search’, was Papaji’s saying, and to me, that meant to stop seeking, to let go of that activity which can prevent one recognising that we already are what we seek. We are already that peace and freedom right here, right now — if we pay attention.

In a small meeting, I asked him a question and he affirmed my discoveries were on the right path. Then he told me to go home and be there. This made sense to me, coming after years of seeking, personal growth, following teachers, and travelling making films. It was time to go home in every sense of the word. 

Today in my visualisation, Papaji and I are drinking fresh lime sodas while he watches cricket on his small TV. Absorbed, simply enjoying, this is a life lesson in itself. Not that I like cricket, but I love movies. We are observing social distancing and hand sanitiser is on the table.

I ask him, ‘Papaji, what to do about the coronavirus?’ He starts roaring with laughter and I feel momentarily embarrassed. Shaking that off I wait to see what he means, and I get it. There is no point in worrying about it. What will be will be. He himself is older and susceptible to a lung infection. While those around him fuss to keep him safe, he already feels safe. He tells me there is nothing to be done except to be with the truth of the moment. He is a responsible citizen who will follow instructions, but his truth is so much vaster than any restriction, his freedom so wide and deep he is already absorbed in Love and Awareness.  

“Use this time well”, he says. “Be with your true nature, no matter what arises on the surface, use it to go deeper into life and being.” He turns back to the cricket match.

On a table next to Papaji sits a black and white photo of his beloved guru, Sri Ramana Maharshi. Ramana was a revered saint in South India, a teacher of ‘Advaita Vedanta’ or non-dualism. His eyes beam with clarity and kindness and I am drawn to the photo. After all, he is the source in this spiritual lineage.

 Wisdom from Ramana Maharshi

A few years later, after my actual visit with Papaji, I stayed in the Sri Ramana ashram at Tiruvannamalai. The historic ashram is situated at the foot of Arunachala Hill which was regarded by Sri Ramana Maharshi, and Tamil saints, as the spiritual heart of the world. I loved wandering over the hill, visiting caves, and other holy sites. Luckily I was there at the time of the annual Shivaratri festival so there were many visiting sages, and Satsangs by different gurus were being held everywhere.

Ramana Maharshi. Image: Ramana Maharshi

I imagine I am back there … entering the gates of the beautiful yet simple Ramana ashram. I am taken by the peace and the feeling of a sacred place. Wandering through the buildings and trees, I stumble across a cow stable and realise I am looking at a  descendant of Lakshmi, Sri Ramana’s cow who became enlightened. A man in a loincloth is patting the cow and as I approach, he hands me a cup of buttermilk, telling me it is from the cow. As I take it, I realise that this humble man is Ramana himself. 

I drink the milk and also drink in the purity of this master. My questions recede in the stillness around him, but I remember to ask him about our current crisis of the threatening coronavirus pandemic.

He sits and remains silent for many minutes, then gently begins a song of devotion to Arunachala, his sacred Shiva hill. Hearing this, there is an ancient truth that swoons me into a knowing. Then with gentle words, Ramana guides me to ask, ‘Who is this person, this I, or even this world, that I am concerned for?’ That question has only one answer, ‘I am That.’ And I am also the one who loves That.

Ramana stands up and we go together to prepare food to feed the hungry people who are suffering from the lockdown. The ashram is closed but his family have organised a safe delivery system, so Sri Ramana’s divine sustenance can still be given.

 I Am Blessed

As I bring my awareness back to my living room, to this present moment, I recognise I am blessed to have been able to receive the grace of these three teachers and many more. All have inspired me in different ways to live fully, love courageously, and risk diving for the depths. A combination of Tantra and self-inquiry, with lots of love and laughter, has been a recipe I have been cooking and refining for most of my life so far.

I hope you have enjoyed my time travel with the masters, and their advice for coronavirus.

with love

Cynthia

First published on Uplift Connect: https://upliftconnect.com/time-travel-with-the-masters/

1. Tantra is a philosophy and a spiritual path. The essence of Tantra can be found in the Hindu religion, also in Tibetan Buddhism and Taoism. One core aspect of Tantric philosophy is nondualism or the idea that everything is divine. That the body and spirit are not separate. Sacred sexuality is a part of Tantra.

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