Reverse polarity can quietly wreck your love life.

It’s often hard to recognise, because it doesn’t look like a “polarity problem” – it looks like the everyday friction of mismatched personalities and attachment styles. Or the kind of low-grade resentment that can seep into long-term relationships or prolonged unsuccessful dating. But once you can see it, you can do something about it.

Some signs of reverse polarity in a relationship or in dating:

1. Constantly feeling frustrated and resentful towards your partner or dating partners. They “should” be different.
2. You feel burdened or oppressed, unappreciated, and not free to be yourself.
3. You are doubting the relationship and being attracted elsewhere, even though you deeply love each other.
4. You are dating people who seem nice or good, but leave you disinterested and unexcited.
5. Sex is non-existent or minimal, and feels functional or even boring.

What is reverse polarity?

Reverse polarity happens when the natural polarity between masculine and feminine becomes reversed. He takes on more of the She role than is natural to him, and She takes on more of the He role than is natural to her.

This isn’t the same as him exploring his feminine side, or her enjoying her masculine side – that’s healthy range. Reverse polarity is when this tips into both people occupying the space of the other’s essence, unconsciously and consistently. The magnets start repelling instead of attracting.

Between a couple who are naturally mostly masculine and feminine essence, when the polarity reverses, she becomes the one who is directive, protecting, financially driving, mission-orientated, calling the shots. He becomes the one who is receptive, emotional, going with the flow of life and feeling – and increasingly self-doubting.

She ends up prodding him into action, because he seems slow to move or grow or even take responsibility. He wants her to slow down and leave him alone. He feels less purposeful; she feels more anxious and responsible for both of them. The love may still be there, but it’s clouded.

They are not living their natural essence in the relationship. If they were happy to naturally occupy these energies, whatever their gender, thats a different story’

It’s not really about who does what task – it’s about what energy each of you is holding.

If you’re occupying an energy, masculine or feminine, your partner will often shift naturally into complementary polarity with it – or they’ll fight it. Its good to know that a woman can be highly capable in traditionally masculine tasks, or a man in traditionally feminine ones, and the couple can still hold strong polarity, if they know how to generate it. Polarity is created energetically, not just divided up by tasks or roles.

What causes reverse polarity?

1. Financial imbalance – she earns considerably more, carries him financially or supports him while he’s home full-time or pursuing his own path – and it isn’t a conscious, mutual choice.
2. Career setbacks, job loss, or illness disrupt the natural flow, and she picks up the slack. Something neither partner controls – but polarity can still be consciously maintained through it.
3. Not understanding the positive differences between masculine and feminine essence, so the couple drifts out of polarity or keeps taking over each other’s space.
4. He keeps trying to please her and denies his own needs and masculine energy to keep the peace.
5. She’s scared to let go into her feelings, be alive in her body and surrender into flow.
6. Earlier trauma, wounding, or a parent who modelled an undesirable aspect of their essence – leaving a need to protect around your own essence and shy away from living it fully.

How to restore polarity

Restoring polarity means each of you reclaiming your natural energy in intimacy, not defaulting into an unfulfilling opposite.

If you have a core feminine essence and you’ve been the one directing, managing, deciding, carrying him, and feeling burdened or resentful about it – step back energetically. Give your partner room to step up. Stop managing his emotions, decisions, and healing, and trust him to find his own way, even if he hasn’t yet. Hand back to him what is his to take care of and let him experience the consequences of not doing that. You are still loving and supporting him, just not over-functioning in his domain.

If you’ve been the one going along, deferring, staying passive, pleasing her and resenting it – step in. Give more direction, take real responsibility (including for money), initiate plans, especially for intimacy, and stop waiting to be prompted. Don’t ask “What can I do to help?” as this makes her the manager.

Whichever way it’s running: reconnect with what’s truly authentic to you, spend time with others who hold that essence well. And practice new possibilities.

The hard part

What happens if she steps back and he doesn’t pick it up?

A vacuum calls us to fill it, and it’s deeply tempting for her to go back to managing him – his emotions, his decisions, his social life – the moment you notice him not stepping into the space you’ve made.

If this happens, the move isn’t to fill the gap again. It’s to encourage him to find support elsewhere – other men, a men’s group, a therapist – and if he still doesn’t shift, consciously decide: am I willing to carry this, or not?

What’s often true is this: when you shift something internally – genuinely let go – the whole field of the relationship changes. The other person is far more likely to rise into the space you’ve vacated than if you never really vacated it at all.

What happens if he steps up and she doesn’t relax her masculine energy?

The dynamic can run the other way too – where he’s occupying more of the flowing, emotional, relational aspects, and she’s polarised into the masculine, driving and directing. The same principle applies: give her time to find her feminine essence and trust you again. It won’t happen overnight. When he steps back into more direction and steadiness, she’ll find her way into more flow.

Our patterns run deep and they are often formed because of a perceived or real need to protect ourselves. It can be scary to change, however the risk of letting reverse polarity wreck your love-life and your intimacy is a greater risk than getting out of your comfort zone to have more of what you are deeply longing for.

In my experience even a small shift towards authentic polarity makes a very big difference in levels of happiness and fulfilment in yourself and your relationships.

If you’re single or dating

Reverse polarity doesn’t need a relationship to show up – it can happen on a single date. Here you can choose not to fill the reversed role from the start.

For those more masculine in essence: you can maintain polarity by centring into your own core rather than matching her masculine energy. Don’t fight it, and don’t give in to it either — just stay rooted in yourself. Humour is one of the most useful tools here; it de-escalates without collapsing your ground.

More feminine in essence: stay in your own flow and feeling instead of taking over the planning, the direction, the reassurance – even when someone seems to need you to. Many men have become wary of showing their authentic masculine leadership as they assume it will not be welcome. But when given with care and sensitivity to her, it’s very welcome to the feminine essence.

Either way: notice when you’re about to occupy someone else’s space, and don’t.

It can be challenging to shift reverse polarity – there are usually real reasons you ended up occupying the other space, and it may be uncomfortable to even admit what’s happening.

But the rewards are significant. When natural polarity is restored, tension eases and magnetic love returns. Whether you’re partnered or dating, you’ll notice you start attracting different people, and feel more authentic, aligned, and happier – with access to the kind of polarity that makes for a genuinely alive connection.

If you recognise this pattern in your relationship or dating life, it’s not something you have to untangle alone. This is exactly the work I do in sessions and private intensives — helping people see where the reversal is happening and consciously restore polarity, often faster than expected. Book a single session to explore this dynamic or learn more about private intensives →

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

The post The Signs of Reverse Polarity (and How to Shift It) appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

The 3A’s  of great relationships – Attraction, Alignment and Authenticity are the three essential ingredients for great relationships, friendships and collaborations. Remove one of these ingredients and it just doesn’t quite work.

An energetic pull that draws you together

1. Attraction is central to all our relationships. There is sexual attraction with our intimate partners, the spark of masculine and feminine opposites. In dating we simply want to see someone again. In friendships we like someone, we are drawn to them. At work, we have colleagues we prefer to be with, teams we want to be part of, a culture or creativity that attract us. Here we thrive. Even our pets are likable, lovable or just quirkily attractive to us.

Trying to be in an intimate relationship without attraction is a forced affair. It is a struggle that never fully goes away. There may be a huge amount of love, but if attraction is absent, it devolves more into companionship.

And I’m not just talking about physical attraction, but an energetic pull that draws you together, often in spite of physical preferences. ‘He’s not my usual type but I just want to be around him…’

Attraction in intimacy will ebb and flow over time, but how much depends on your commitment to keeping passion and love alive. As one of the 3 Traits of great relationships it is important!

Sharing core values and dreams

2. Alignment is also a major key to great relationships. If we are not sharing core values and dreams it is difficult to sustain an attraction. For example, if you are a man in your early forties and you really want to have a family, you may be extremely attracted to your girlfriend, but if she does not want children it’s not going to work. Or if you need monogamy and your partner needs an open relationship, your opposing desires for safety and freedom are not aligned.

You are pulling in opposite directions.

Or if your dream is to live and work in a cosmopolitan city, and your partner is miserable unless they are in the bush, the attraction will likely lessen under the strain of the non-alignment. Compromises can be made, but it’s not easy when they are big ones. But the plus is that you can discover new things through your partner.

In a work team, it is often more invigorating to have different points of view. But only when you are all aligned in service to a common goal or project.

Friendships can drift apart when not bound by a common interest, location, political leanings, shared sports, life-styles. Sometimes though, the heart alignment is stronger than these factors and the friendship endures all kinds of changes.

In intimate relationships an alignment of your sexual flavours and preferences makes it easier to flow together in love making. If one partner is very light and romantic and the other is more kinky and darker this can be fearful for one and boring for the other.

When we are authentic others can trust us

3. Authenticity creates trust, an essential for all good and strong relationships, intimate or otherwise. Being real and essentially yourself is being authentic. When we are authentic others can trust us because we do not have secrets or hidden motives. We are not projecting false identities over our true essence, or manipulating to get love and attention. We are vulnerable in the best kind of way.

If we commit to another from our authentic selves we will naturally keep our commitments and follow through. This builds the trust, which creates a container for attraction and love to grow and flourish. Authenticity is not about forcing our ‘truth’ onto another or being ‘honest’ in a way that hurts others unnecessarily. It is being true to ourselves and living love to others.

Authenticity is exciting, an aphrodisiac. It can bring back lost attraction or make it very clear if its not going to work.

If you are not able to be your authentic self in a relationship that is not healthy and needs to change.

Small amounts of awareness can go a long way

And there is a 4th A, the overarching aspect of Awareness. Connecting to lightness, humour, sacredness and ease. Small amounts of awareness can go a long way in our human stumbling towards love. No one is perfect, much less ourselves.

How are you doing with the 3 Traits of great relationships?

Are you showing and relishing your own attractiveness, or hiding it away? Are you trying to be attractive on the outside as a compensation to feeling not so attractive inside? Are you trusting and following your true attractions and desires in all your relationships? If not, why not?

Are you in acting in alignment with your own values and dreams? Do you recognise that getting involved with someone without enough alignment will lead to suffering? What will you compromise to be loved? Why?

Is authenticity something you welcome or fear? Are you a trustable person to be with because you are in touch with yourself and willing to risk being authentic with others? Do you let love in by being vulnerable? If not, are you working on it?

……And there is a  quiet 4th A  – Awareness – we can all keep evolving and doing our own work to increase our awareness in growth and consciousness. This positively impacts all our relationships.

Where coaching comes in

Cynthia

The post The 3 A’s of great relationships appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

The real lover isn’t the version of you that’s trying to get it right. Also it’s not just the more confident, more open, more aware you.

The real lover is who you are when you feel safe enough to be fully yourself.

Do you feel safe to be fully you in relationship?
Do you trust that you’ll be appreciated and loved? Not just for your warmth and openness, but also for your sensitivity, your fear, the parts of you that hold back?

Many of us don’t realise how much we manage ourselves in relationship. We soften important boundaries. We adapt and try to be easier to love, less demanding, more contained. We’ve been hurt before.

Or we restrain our masculine intensity – our strength and direction. Or dilute our feminine flow of devotional love and feeling. We pull back from our full expressions of love and freedom.

I see this repeatedly in my work.

In dating, someone feels a genuine connection but holds back their interest or desire.  They don’t want to seem too much, too keen, too vulnerable. On the surface everything seems ok, friendly and harmonious, but something essential isn’t being revealed, and the connection slowly fades or goes into the ‘friend-zone’.

Anger is often repressed rather than expressed in longer-term relationships, Someone feels hurt or frustrated but stays quiet — not wanting to create conflict or seem unloving. The anger doesn’t disappear; it turns into distance, and intimacy slowly dies. I’m not at all advocating angry violence but making room for it as an emotion and finding ways to feel and embrace it safely.

When there isn’t enough safety, the body doesn’t open. It freezes, guards, withdraws, shuts down.
And when this happens over time, our capacity to give and receive love is limited. Our passion is diluted, our wild animal energy is nowhere to be found.

Then we start to wonder why the spark fades. Why we feel disconnected from ourselves and our relationships don’t go anywhere. Why connections that once felt alive start to deaden.

This isn’t a failure of intention or love. It’s often an unconscious response to not feeling safe enough to fully arrive.

The real lover emerges when the nervous system feels safe enough to stay open, present, and real. This is something that we can cultivate within ourselves, in small groups and with a beloved.

The real lover is able to be all of themselves, the gentle and wild, the light and the dark, the deep and the humorous. To be vulnerable and powerful. To offer their gifts in relationship, to be of value, to be free and loved.

Firstly we give ourselves permission to reveal more of ourselves. We discover who we really are. We trust to show ourselves in both ordinary and spiritual aspects. Secondly, we show up in our relationships and see what happens. It’s ok to take it slowly, after all you are exploring new ground. Thirdly, we also open to embrace the other’s realness and expression too. Life and love can become a wonderful exciting journey, and also rooted in everyday life.

This is the exploration at the heart of my work, and of the Attraction, Intimacy & Love Workshop – a space to meet yourself honestly in relationship, and to discover what becomes possible when you no longer have to hold yourself back.

Love,

Cynthia

The post The Real Lover appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

In our modern world there are unique challenges for singles. Online dating and the internet culture can be hard to navigate.  And its easy to get discouraged or depressed by no-show coffee dates, ghosting, rude online behaviour, even meeting nice people you are not really attracted to. But the desire for an intimate relationship doesn’t go away, it just gets buried in the “too hard basket.” Naturally it can take a while to meet someone right for you, online or offline. It’s important to keep your masculine consciousness and feminine radiance alive and strong.  These ways how to stay positive when single are helpful at any time.

1. Have a clear vision

A vision for relationship is not a laundry list of must-have qualities, hoops that a potential partner will have to jump through. It is a feeling and thought sense of what you want to create, an invitation to fulfilment. Your vision keeps you focused and open to what you really want. It aligns you and represents powerful choices for yourself. It is an essential part of the artistry of life. Keep it open and expansive, not narrow or rigid.

Create and revisit your vision every now and then to see if it’s till what you want. Allow it to happen.

2. Work on what is in the way of intimacy and love for you.

When you are in a relationship the work around intimacy will continue, so it is good to start now. For example, if  you are living a hermit lifestyle and dreaming of a sexy god or goddess in your bed, there are probably a few steps to take along the way. Like learning how to relate more openly to people in general. Come down from the mountain, come off your couch and engage, take risks, open your heart, give your gifts. This is how they will find you anyway.  

Or if you are seeking the perfect love, you would have to be a perfect and that is a lot of pressure to put on a tender meeting of two human beings. Are you being so careful, picky even, because you have been hurt in past relationships?  Whatever it is for you, if you work on your blocks to full heart-openness,  you will feel good and find a pathway opening up towards relationship.

So thoughts like ‘dating is awful’, there is ‘nobody out there for me’, people are just ‘users’ etc. are not true unless you make it so. Self-enquiry, therapy and embodiment practices, journalling and workshops are great ways to help with this.

3. Have boundaries that serve you.

Take your time getting to know a potential partner’s character before you leap in. And if something isn’t right, it isn’t right. Trust the energy in your body.  You don’t have to rush dating or sex – slow it down. It just makes sense to have the first few dates all about being curious and getting to know and enjoy each other. 

Sometimes people when dating ignore their own wisdom and do things they would not normally do, or accept behaviour they would not usually accept. Then the date or new relationship goes pear-shaped and sadly they have reinforced their negative beliefs and attitudes. If you find yourself doing this it’s great to be aware of it and risk speaking up with care, state your own needs and listen to theirs. 

Boundaries are meant to make it safe to fully engage with another, not walls to keep others out.

4. Show up as YOU – flaws and all.

Don’t try too hard. Perhaps you have tried so hard in the past to find a relationship and it still didn’t work. When you are being authentic you will feel more relaxed and your energy will flow more too. If you tend to behave how you think will make others will like you, it offers a false self that isn’t sustainable long-term.  And it is exhausting.  Dating does take some effort, but you don’t need to ‘try’.

The date unfolds naturally when you are being yourself and you are not focused on how you are being perceived. This frees you up to focus on the other person. If you are being yourself and your date is not interested, then they are not the right person for you. This way you stay with yourself whatever happens. It also makes you more attractive. The right person will be drawn to the real you. When you accept your flaws it helps the other person relax and be natural too. Both of you feel safe and your true essence can come through more fully.

Using these ways for how to stay positive when single will go a long way to keeping you happy and relaxed while dating. If you are out there doing it, you are already doing well. You are a risk taker and a courageous person.

If you are unable to become positive again you may need some help to shift past experiences. Reach out for support so you can be available for love. Sessions and workshops are a great reset for singles to move forward towards a relationship.

Love

Cynthia

The post How to Stay Positive When Single appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Couples who come to the Living Love workshops do resolve many issues and problems in their intimate relationship. And beyond that the workshops take a couple into deeper, sacred connection, embodying their masculine and feminine essence. Then we see in relationship workshops that what goes wrong can come right.

Men and women come to the Living Love workshops for many reasons. They may have relationship issues to solve, intimacy skills to learn, curiosity (and frustrations) about their opposite.

Our habitual contractions and self-protections usually come from our past experiences, in childhood or in previous relationships. Perhaps we were abandoned or our trust was broken. This can lead to personal wounding, fears and doubts. These all restrict the flow of energy and love available for yourself and others. These patterns and protections sadly create what we fear. And this keeps us stuck in painful patterns and cycles that keeps spinning.

Feminine essence

Over the years of running workshops and doing couples counselling I have found differences in mens and womens issues. Those with a more feminine essence often are more likely to have protection and wariness from past hurts and deep disappointments in relationships. She always suffers from lack of love in relationship.

In the face of betrayal or not being loved fully they start to think they are ‘too much’ or ‘not good enough.’ Or they become overly critical of the masculine as a way to distance themselves and stay ‘safe’. They claim their partner is ‘not loving them enough’ or in the ‘right way’. They unconsciously believe that by withdrawing, not being vulnerable, or numbing their feelings, they will be safer. Actually in the context of love and intimacy vulnerability is a primary energy that draws the masculine into relationship.

Masculine essence

Those with a more masculine essence can be wary of commitment, concerned about the lack of freedom in relationship. They may not yet be connected to the authentic depth of freedom and awareness inside themselves. Or they are not mature enough to have realised the freedom that comes from deep commitment and integrity, and chosen responsibility. They can be lacking confidence about their masculine energy. And wondering how to find love and support from a great woman. Or by becoming lost in the feminine, lost in their own doubt, they can become less trustable. Even becoming a ‘pleaser’ disconnected from his own core. He can even become rejecting and dismissive, withdrawing, as a means of protection. And yet he has a deep need to be loved by the feminine.

How it comes right

In the Living Love workshops the ways in which these issues. and others, are resolved is different for each person. And yet there are threads of understanding that are similar. When the feminine connects to and values her own love, feelings, intuition and her power, then she relates to the masculine in a very different way. She is sitting confidently in herself, allowing her flow of feelings and her vulnerability. Anger and tears and deep yearning may be expressed. She transforms in the workshops when she is received and heard by the masculine.

For many women to be loved and accepted by the masculine as she is is very healing. Safe to be in her feminine essence, vulnerable, alive, powerful, fiercely loving. And as she experiences the masculine meeting her, encouraging her, she expresses more of who she really is. She trusts herself and her love flows freely again.

For the masculine in the Living Love workshops he experiences the inherent freedom in his being. And how to deepen into that within commitment and responsibility. He meets the trustable masculine in himself and the other men. And so he gets a truer reflection of the nobility and power of masculine essence. From there he is able to be present more fully for the feminine, for whatever she is feeling or thinking, without losing his own centre or taking it personally. This is what she yearns for and what brings out her devotional heart.

For him here is also the relief and delight of meeting the loving feminine heart. He is directly enlivened by her open feminine energy. Loving feedback from her gives him the right amount of challenge and direction to adjust and deepen himself. He becomes more trustable and starts getting different responses from the feminine. He experiences polarity with the feminine that is wild and free, with deep integrity.

Balance of safety and risk

The practices, talks and sharings in the workshops are layered to allow his and her core essence to be strengthened, and for the centre of an issue to reveal itself. A skilful balance of safety and risk creates real transformation, more love and deeper connection, more playfulness too. Problems are approached with creativity and heart to reveal a couples true love and intimacy.

with love

Cynthia

The post Relationship Workshops – What Goes Wrong Can Come Right appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Love isn’t always soft and shining. Sometimes, it’s gritty. In this article I explore how to turn Love – From Grit to Gold.

We enter relationships – or seek them – with hope. We want connection, passion, ease. But life brings stress, emotional walls, disconnection. Maybe your partner feels distant or overly pleasing. Maybe there is no partner, and you’re left wondering why love feels just out of reach. Maybe you’re noticing your own patterns – reactivity, fear, or a sense of numbness.

This isn’t what anyone signs up for. It can feel lonely, disheartening, and confusing. The grit of real-life love – whether you’re in it or longing for it – can erode intimacy, trust, and hope.

But here’s the deeper truth: grit is part of the process. And it holds the potential for transformation – if we choose to meet it with awareness and compassion. When we meet it that way, it becomes the raw material for something golden.

There are three ways we can deal with the gritty times:

1. Resist

We push back. We react, blame, protest.
We point fingers – at a partner, the dating world, life itself. We tell ourselves it shouldn’t be this hard. That we’ve done our part and love should be easier. These are natural reactions – but they trap us. Nothing heals. Nothing deepens. We just want to get away from the discomfort and pain – fair enough – but it doesn’t work for long. Avoidance never leads to change.

2. Dive In

Instead of running, we lean in.
We ask the deeper questions: What’s really going on here? How am I contributing to this dynamic? Is this response about today, or is it being fuelled by the past – by heartbreak, childhood wounds, or old fears?

This is where real transformation begins. As we unravel these threads, we free up energy. If you’re in a relationship, the dynamic shifts. If you’re single, your inner clarity begins to change how – and who – you attract.

You might see that both your intentions and those of others are good, but get distorted in execution. For example: you want to feel independent and safe, so you emotionally withdraw – but then feel abandoned and unsafe. These loops can happen even when love is present.

As we untangle these knots, when you see the patterns, you gain choice. You can pause. Step off the treadmill. In that stillness, vulnerability can return. And with it – connection.
Whether with a partner or with yourself.

Therapy, reflection, or trusted support can help anchor and accelerate this process.

3. Find the Gold

When we dive into the grit, we begin to mine for gold.

This is the alchemy of transformation. Not by force – but by presence. And compassion. By feeling, not fixing. By speaking honestly from the heart, without blame. This creates space – for ourselves and others to truly be seen.

In that space, something shifts.

If you’re partnered, intimacy deepens. If you’re single, a new kind of self – trust emerges. You’re no longer driven by fear or past pain. You’re clearer, more open, and grounded in love.

By not resisting what is, we create the possibility of something new.
Joy begins to return. Creativity and intimacy open. Love – real, vibrant love – can flow again.

Turning grit into gold isn’t easy. But it’s real. It’s human. And it’s worth it.

with love

Cynthia

The post Love – From Grit to Gold appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

The post Loving and Connecting in the Modern World appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Have you ever noticed a voice in your head shaping how you see yourself and your relationships? Or perhaps you can hear it when you talk to other people about your relationship – or lack of one. It’s often clearer when listening to others talk about theirs, we can hear the underlying story. We may point the blame at others but underneath we often need to start rewriting the love stories we tell ourselves.

Thoughts like, “My husband left me – that proves I am not a lovable person” or “I can’t make it work with my wife – I must be a failure.” Or “I only attract players, polys and psychos – what’s wrong with me?” are common examples of this inner dialogue.

Over the years, I’ve heard countless versions of these thoughts. And truly we all have the potential to think this way under the right circumstances. Changing these stories has a very positive impact on our life and relationships.

It is valuable to have a look to see whether you are contributing to a problem or even creating one. But often these unhelpful stories come from unconscious beliefs rather than the reality.

Take, for example – “I can’t make it work with my wife – I must be a failure.”  Or “not another failed relationship! – I’m hopeless.”

Are all relationships meant to last our whole lives? With a 50% divorce rate, I’d say not necessarily. While we may enter a relationship with strong and great intentions, people can grow apart and change over time. Divorce is never easy, but today it is an acceptable option, unlike fifty years ago.

My work is dedicated to helping people find more love and freedom and in nearly all cases that means deepening relationships and cultivating more love, intimacy and connection. But sometimes, the best path to living love is choosing to go your separate ways.

Is it a failure if we decide it’s best to stop trying, let go and move on? That depends how you define failure and success. “We had fifteen pretty good years together and are still great parents and friends.”  And that’s not just celebrity media speak, it is real for many divorced people. Could that be considered a success?

Perhaps you are someone who has the emotional intelligence to know when it’s time to give up. In fact, if you see the end of a relationship as a failure, you are more likely to hold on too long, producing unhealthy emotional and physical outcomes. Letting go of a failure story allows us to learn about our mistakes and do better next time.

Let’s take a look at the thought “My husband left me – I am not a lovable person.”  It is natural to feel let down, alone and grieving when a partner leaves you. But are we unlovable if a partner falls out of love with us?  Maybe they were not capable of loving you. Why give them the vote and let them define your worth?

Both women and men can fall into this type of thinking, and it can stall them for years on finding a new partner who does truly love them. Often, these beliefs are rooted in childhood experiences of not being loved, or not unconditionally loved. So, our sense of self and self-worth becomes based on other people’s opinions rather than out inner knowing.

The truth is people leave relationships that no longer feel right for them.  When we know our own worth regardless, we open the door for a relationship that is more loving. We can trust because, while we may get hurt, we are intact.

I often hear people tell themselves stories about relationships like “Our love languages don’t match” or “I have an insecure attachment style, so I’m always anxious.”

Mutual give and take must flow in a relationship. Yet many people now expect to have their ‘love languages’ catered to as a requirement of a successful relationship. Far less often do I hear people ask how they can give more of what their partner needs and want. As a conversation about what makes each person feel loved, love languages can be very helpful, but as a demand not so much.

And what about attachment styles?  “I have an insecure attachment style, so I’m always anxious.” Our attachment style can shift – anxious one day, avoidant the next, or varying between relationships. The push and pull between merging and individuation is part of what most good relationships are navigating. While knowing attachment styles can be very helpful at understanding behaviours, and adjusting them, we must make sure it’s not a story that leads to rigid labelling of self or others. Beliefs should free us to love more, if it does that then we can embrace it.

Another common story is “We argue a lot and that’s not ok.”  But who says arguing is always bad?  Studies show that couples who argue tend to stay together longer and report being happier than those who avoid conflict. What’s much more damaging is holding onto resentments, grudges and withholding emotionally.

Then there’s, “I only attract players, polys and psychos – what’s wrong with me?” A single person who is loving and radiant, very aware and present will have everyone attracted to them, both the genuine and the game players. While you can fine tune who is attracted to you, you can’t completely control it. Getting dubious messages online from strangers is not a reflection of your worth or mental health, but it can be an opportunity to practice discernment and boundaries.

Things happen in life and love and it’s how we see it that determines our emotional state, physical wellbeing and our future. What if you trusted that you are a good and loving person who makes mistakes, is human and doesn’t always act in the way you’d like to? This doesn’t make you unlovable, a failure or not capable of relationships. What if you are learning about life and love and bring that wisdom into your every day or your next step?

We don’t judge the person who takes a risk to love, or the risk of putting themselves out there, when we all know it can sometimes not work out. We applaud their courage and their willingness not to hide away in self-protection, but to be open to life and love.

Reflect for a moment what story do you tell yourself when things don’t go the way you’d like, when you lose love, or can’t find it? Is there a kinder, more enlightened view of yourself you can choose?

Getting reflections from others who really see us through the eyes of love is so helpful. It can break through these beliefs and negative stories very quickly. Seeing a therapist or coach will do this. And in workshops the group environment is very powerful, when your peers appreciate your true being you will take it in deeply. Rewriting the love stories we tell ourselves, now that is life-changing.

with love

Cynthia

The post Rewriting the Love Stories We Tell Ourselves appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

What do you have planned for Valentines Day? Maybe you are defaulting to a dinner out or picking up some last-minute roses, or doing nothing at all if you’d rather avoid it. I know for some people it can too commercial, or a painful time, but it’s also an opportunity to build deeper, sacred sexy loving with your partner or with yourself. How can you have a deeper and sexier Valentines Day?

One man I know told me he is planning three special events over the day for his beloved: time in the morning connecting with eye-gazing and words of appreciation, a magical evening picnic in nature, and a lush-scented bath time when kids are asleep… these are things he knows she longs for.

I love this idea of building up anticipation from morning until late in the evening, the whole day is then opened up and more deeply felt. And sexier. As many people are working and have children, breaking it up is a great way to fit Valentines Day around family life.

If you are single, it’s perfect to honour your own generous heart and love energy. Treating a friend and sharing deeply, doing something very nourishing for yourself, or spreading love wherever you go! A single man I know sends Valentines Day messages to all his single women friends. He appreciates their beauty and their loving hearts, making them feel special on this day of love.

Valentines Day is a chance to lift us beyond the mundane, the sameness of everyday and experience the magic. It can be daunting or scary to take the initiative but it’s worth it!

It’s not about how much money we spend or the show we make.

If you are single or solo you could get together with a friend(s) and the feminine essence will enjoy romance in a fun way. Dress up because you can and celebrate love. Think about where you would like to be next Valentines Day and share it with another. Don’t give in to disappointment or discouragement as this stifles your love and freedom. Inspire and appreciate others.

If you are a couple what will bring you closer together? For real, not a Disney version. Being attuned to your beloved is essential.

Do you need a new adventure or more remembering when you met and the music you shared and special things you feel for each other?  Especially if you are not in a good place, think about what will create love anyway.

What is sexier? Romantic love will touch their heart. Sacred sexy love is touching the divine. Creating a sacred space can take just a few simple touches. Meditating or dancing together before slowly making love will honour your relationship and the pleasure of being together. Or a wild night out with you two as the absolute focus is sexy. Romance is a great beginning to flow into sexual intimacy, not as an expectation but as natural opening.

What shows you’ve been listening, paying attention? If they love foot massage you can include that, if they adore blue cheese get that, or fulfilling a sexual fantasy. Why not go for it? Perfection is not required – it’s your intention that counts.

Take a moment to reflect on why you would put in the effort on Valentines Day? Is it because love matters to you, sexiness matters to you, and sacred relationship matters to you?

Now let’s get creative and see what we each can do.

Don’t wait to Love,

Cynthia

The post A Deeper and Sexier Valentines Day appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

In my workshops and sessions, I often encounter similar questions from men, and different questions from women. Overall I find there are 2 top intimacy questions.

Men’s Questions:

Men frequently ask, “How can I get her to open up to me? How do I get her to trust me more? How can I be more attractive to the right one?” Essentially, they are asking, “What can I do?” to make her more open, feel more desired, have more sexual intimacy, and achieve more peace. However, the real question should be

“Who can I be?”

Sometimes, the more you do, the less it works. The feminine will sense it if his actions come from the wrong place, or if he is trying too hard, abandoning his own self and overly focusing on her and her world. This lack of authenticity is not trustable, and it turns her off, even if she loves him.

Women can intuit if a man is uncomfortable with himself, lacking depth, or afraid to go beyond the superficial. Her body responds to how grounded and purposeful he is in his own life, how comfortable he is with his emotions and vulnerability. This grounded presence is what attracts her, makes her relax, lean towards him, and open up to him.

Men, can you sit quietly in your own being and then act from that place? Are you able to meditate and go inwards, either through a formal practice or by being in nature and quieting your mind? Action is important – offering her your appreciation, direction, and loving touch – but it’s not the first thing. Being comes before doing. The feminine is exquisitely attuned to how much the masculine is present in himself, and then to her.

So, the first step is to energize your own presence, purpose, and ability to feel. This is not dependent on the feminine, a relationship, or the quality of that relationship. In this freedom, you can be fully yourself and take responsibility for your own being. Being accountable to yourself and others allows natural polarity to emerge with the feminine, drawing her to your integrity and presence. Your loving actions towards her are then welcomed. She sees the heroic nature of your journey towards self-mastery that never ends.

Women’s Questions:

Women often ask, “How do I get more of my needs met in a relationship? How can I get him to listen and be there for me? Where do I find a partner?” Essentially, they are asking

“How can I be fully seen, appreciated, and loved as the woman I am?”

They long to be seen and witnessed as the radiant life force they are, to be accepted with the flow of feelings that swirl through them or lie in a deep pool beneath the surface. When he is present to that, without judgment or needing to fix her, she opens up to him and to herself.

He can feel how full she is in her feminine flow, emotional honesty, and desire for deep sacred loving, as well as how open she is to him. He is inspired by her energy and receptivity to his presence and masculine direction. He is attracted to her confidence and freedom to be herself and show him who she is.

Women, do you trust your own feminine essence? Are you okay with your feelings and emotions? Are you free in your body? It’s normal if you are not fully there yet; it’s a lifelong endeavour. However, you can take steps towards it now through movement, dance, therapy, and other practices. Opening your heart can be challenging if there has been hurt in past relationships, and professional help may be needed to work through that.

Letting go of barriers to love, softening into your vulnerability, and embracing your inner goddess begins to answer the question, “How can I be fully seen, appreciated, and loved as the woman I am?” If you don’t see yourself, how will anyone else? If you don’t share your beauty and love with the world, how will you be seen? When you do, you will attract a relationship where you are truly seen, appreciated, and loved.

It starts with us, and we only need to take small steps in the right direction. Whenever we have these 2 top intimacy questions questions, at whatever stage we are at, it’s a good time to look at who we are being, and that changes everything.

love
Cynthia

The post 2 Top Intimacy Questions appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.