Perhaps it is due to the confined intimacy of recent Covid lockdowns, but this issue is coming up more frequently in sessions for couples and would-be couples. A source of frustration for many is that the person with the more feminine essence (often the woman) is sick of tidying up after her partner with the more masculine essence (often the man). And frustrated that he doesn’t seem to listen to her. She thinks he just doesn’t care about her needs and it all escalates into conflict. Let me tell you why he doesn’t see the dirty socks and she does.

While he easily strides through the messy lounge room as he heads straight for the home office, the workshop or the shed, she can’t not notice the clutter, plus the forgotten lunchbox that will need sorting, the dishwasher that needs emptying, his dirty socks, the friend who needs a consoling phone call …. her list is endless. While he is focused on the one thing at the top of his list.

He wonders what she is worrying about

This causes conflict as she asks him again and again to tidy up, clean up, put things away, attend to the domestic details so she doesn’t have to pick up the slack. She feels she has to “do it all”. He wonders what she is worrying about, why is she so upset over nothing. He will do it later, he says. He does not understand her, thinks she is ‘nagging’ him, and either grudgingly complies or withdraws and resents her. She takes it personally without knowing why he doesn’t see the dirty socks. She can even think he is being childish.

This is not true of all couples, but it is common. And it can even affect their intimacy, as she doesn’t want to have sex, angry at him for not doing his share.

 The masculine is wired to be focused

When I explain the different modes of masculine and feminine it is very helpful. As the masculine brain and energy is wired to be a ‘hunter’, he will ignore details and conserve calories, focusing on the moment of the hunt and the required extreme exertion of energy. So, in modern times he is focused on his next main mission and can easily ignore other things that are not immediately relevant to the goal or task. He is clear on his direction, and dirty socks will not be an issue until there are no clean ones. And he has a plan that on the weekend, he’ll get to that.

In general he will be happier with a short to-do list he can cross off (physical or mental) when he makes time for it – on a regular schedule. He will do the washing once a week, not every second day. he just doesn’t want to be bothered with things not on his purpose.

The feminine has a more diffused awareness

She on the other hand is wired to ‘gather’ food, to support the family and the tribe by knowing where the berries are in the fields, what foods grow where and in what seasons, to vigilantly scan the environment for details and changes. She has a more diffused awareness that struggles to ignore what is around her. She also prioritises other people’s needs. She will drop the lovingly prepared forgotten lunchbox off at school, while he wants a quick call to organise lunch money.

She can learn that ignoring some details lets her be freer and more creative, more ‘big picture’ focused. She can attend to things later. She can kick the dirty socks in the cupboard and her child will be ok with lunch money.

These differences are not always gender based – it is the masculine/feminine wiring that creates this polarity.

Understanding your partner’s difference is helpful, it stops you puzzling why they can’t just be more like you. It creates compassion and a willingness to shift to accommodate their needs too.

He is not trying to hurt her when he heads for this mission, he is just about to kill the lion. And she is not trying to distract and nag him, she is aware that the berries are a source of nourishment too.

He will put his socks away if she lets him see how it makes her feel, how it burdens her when he doesn’t attend to life’s details. He can plan ahead so she can relax.

When you love someone, you want to make them happy, so you shift and adjust from your default pattern. As best you can.

Love

Cynthia

The post Why he doesn’t see the dirty socks appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Would you like to find your sacred gifts?

Revising this article from the original during the current COVID pandemic I am aware that many people naturally feel restricted, unseen and stalled in their life. Their dreams are on hold, if not dead. And yet I see how the people who find and hold on to their sacred intention, inspiration and gifts are thriving much better than those who are not. Even if your current reality is somewhat dark or fearful, this provides light and direction.

It involves a lot more than a positive affirmation or two. It is a foundation for your entire life. To create and sustain that, we need to understand how these elements work together and then go beyond our fears by using our inner resources.

Intention – we can have many smaller intentions, but here I refer to the big picture, what really matters to us, what is the forward momentum of our lives in a ‘higher self’ sacred sense. How is spirit working through us?

Inspiration – our individual muse, what turns us on, colors our intention and brings it to life, and makes the way we give our gifts and talents unique.

Gifts – our natural and developed talents and skills, making up our unique energetic blueprint. Gifts are given in service to others.

Fear – a barrier to moving forward in our evolution, our growth and the growth of others. It is a contraction or protection that can be hidden under our compensating personalities.

Resources – grounded and real ways we can self-soothe, overcome trauma, reduce anxiety, compassionately move through fear and triumph over adversity.

Our sacred intention

Our sacred intention is seen and felt in all aspects of our lives – our sexuality, relationships, work, lifestyle. Also called a higher purpose, life purpose, sacred pathway, dharma. It can be a mystical sense of what we are called to do, or a reason to be of service unfolding through life. More on purpose here.

To create our intentions in an embodied, authentic way we need both masculine and feminine energies – the doing and acting of the masculine and the creativity, grace and receiving of the feminine. We may also need to learn how to charge up and flow more energy in our bodies through breath, movement, energy work.

When we can feel this intention beyond our own self focus, it gives us the impetus to move through fear. Fear is a barrier to growth but also a doorway to our evolution. To deeply embrace fear in oneself and others, is so tender, so empowering, that we can only bow down in recognition of the grace this unleashes. It increases our humility, care and compassion.

Fear is there to keep us safe

Fear is there to keep us safe. It is a wise response to threat, but the problem is that when even that threat is not there, it can still hold us back. To embrace our fear and release past traumas we need a compassionate, healing and therapeutic space. We can use our tools and resources to help the process. Tools of embodiment, breath work, meditation, insights, inquiry, therapy, opening and grounding practices. Read more here.

Beyond fear is recognition that we the source of our creativity. As Robert Fritz writes in The Path of Least Resistance, you must be ‘the predominant creative force in your own life’. And reclaim the ability to create things in your life just because you want to, without needing the approval of others.

Inspiration is not a ‘should’… it’s what turns you on

Inspiration is not a ‘should’… it’s what turns you on. I am fascinated by the role in creative history of the artist and their muse. The artist (traditionally masculine) is inspired and fascinated by their model (traditionally feminine) or by nature. She is the stimulus to create their art.

Similarly, we are each inspired by different things – people, music, nature, ideas, technology and innovation – our muses. These give us the juice for our sacred intentions to create. Trust your muse, it is that inspiration from your spirit.

There may not yet be any evidence for one’s intention or inspiration – it is yet to be made real. It may be a dream, a whisper, an inkling.  Inspiration is a valuable delight. Intention is not about self-improvement, but about the deep realization of one’s part to play in the evolution of love and consciousness.

Keep feeling and naming what really matters to you. Look deeper, feel more, trust more, ground yourself more. Don’t be serious but be deadly serious. Just take the next small step in trusting yourself. The appearance of effortless creating and inspiration is generally a process of practice and mastery over time.

A key part of this is identifying your gifts

A key part of this is identifying your gifts which is made up of your natural talents, skills, your energetic imprint. And being free to give these gifts to the world, in your own way, within your sphere of influence, big or small.

Ideally each person can confidently give their gifts to each other and to all. And be expanded and sometimes challenged by that gifting

Be proud of your gifts – we are not giving to get, we are giving our gifts because we are connected to sacred intention and purpose.

The trifecta is the combination of intention, inspiration and gifts coming together in a form that expands yourself and is of service to others.

It is helpful to draw on the power of others – individuals and groups of people holding ‘inspired certainty’ for each other’s gifts and possibilities. This is tremendously helpful in dispelling doubts. Through trustable others sharing what they see in us, we see ourselves more clearly, we appreciate ourselves more, and so are more able to freely give our unique gifts to the world.

………….

Questions to stimulate your exploration into your intention, inspiration and gifts:

What are 3 things that have inspired you today? A success, a poem, a person, inspirational writing, your children’s smile, a cloud formation……

What inspires you about them?

If you could, what would you want to change in the world?

What 3 things would your 3 closest friends say they receive from you?

…………

Feel free to share any aha! moments you have in the comments.

love

Cynthia

The post Find your Sacred Gifts appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

These days there is a lot of pressure to find your overarching life purpose. This will supposedly lead to greater clarity, focus and a more satisfying life. If this purpose is noble and serves others, even better. It seems we must all be on a quest to find and live our purpose to make our lives meaningful.  Our purpose – is it to love fully and deeply?

I too sought my life purpose, reading the books and doing the inquiry. Being of a spiritual inclination I was convinced I could find where I fitted into the puzzle of life. And there were important recognitions along the way of trusting the intuition of my higher self and valuing the gifts I bring to others. And somewhere in there the need to define my purpose dropped away as I embraced my feminine essence. Purpose was a good thing when in service to my heart.

For the feminine essence love and creativity are central to her motivation. For the masculine essence, purpose is central to his motivation. And we have both of these energies in us at times. I see many men, and an increasing number of women, feel they are a failure because they don’t have a ‘life purpose’. Or they judge that their life purpose isn’t meaningful enough, or clear enough. It’s a trap.

If you have a masculine essence

If you have a masculine essence you are most likely to have several different purposes throughout your life. Your purpose may be very different depending on your age and what stage of life you are at. When we are young adults, a large part of our purpose is looking for sexual partners and learning about life. When we are in the process of building family, career and wealth, our purpose is very different. Or when family has grown up, career goals achieved or faded away, you may want to explore more adventurous or spiritual pursuits. Your purpose will change and grow as you do.

When a person with a strong masculine essence is in the gap between a purpose coming to an end, and the new one not yet formed, this can be a very confusing time. Nothing seems clear anymore, he is in the unknown. Or he may have had an idea of a big purpose and failed to fulfil it.

Patience and discipline is required to navigate this new territory and it can literally feel like life has no value or meaning. Right now, in the pandemic, we are seeing people lose businesses overnight that they have built up for decades, jobs are disappearing, and what was once a clear purpose is lost in space. 

I know how hard it can be when our beloved seems to change from a person of action and purpose, to one of indecision, doubt, inaction and even despair. It can be challenging to know how to respond to them in this space. Do you help them find their new purpose, or challenge them to find one, unhappily put up with it, or leave them until they do? None of those will support them during a period of purposelessness.

I learnt that I needed to be aware when it was my own emotions or frustration that was biting me. Sometimes for them sitting on the couch doing nothing is genuinely needed to navigate the abyss. But when they are getting lost and spiralling down into a waste land that doesn’t serve them, I need to act with authentic energetic responses, and show my love and trust to help them navigate these tricky waters.

If you are lacking purpose don’t despair and grab for something, like a life raft. You most likely need to sink into the ocean and then rise with a new purpose. Sometimes your purpose may be revealed in a flash of insight, and sometimes it will take time, or even gradually dawn on you that you are already living your purpose.

Traditional initiation rituals, such as a vision quest, were designed to help us discover our purpose. People do various forms of these today, men and women, hoping for the clarity of a unifying vision, clear direction and knowing. Sometimes that knowing may come from the paradox of finding purpose by giving up purpose. 

Trying too hard to find your purpose can create a reaction that keeps it away. It’s the subtle art of intention, release and letting go. Trusted friends will know how you are doing with this, as well as your partner if you have one. Your partner will respond with devotion and patience if they see you genuinely having the intention to discover your purpose. 

If you have a feminine essence

If you have a feminine essence, you may also long to have a clear life purpose. If it is a higher purpose that  puts you in service to others, that is meaningful for the feminine heart. It also makes bearable all the masculine energy you need to activate to achieve the purpose. A life purpose also gives an internal certainty and structure that can help the feminine relax and flow.

However, many women and those with strong feminine essence find that they can’t connect to a deep life purpose and are wondering, ‘ Is there something wrong with me?’ 

This includes those who are raising small children. Our society generally doesn’t value raising children as a worthwhile purpose, a stay at home parent should be doing other things as well. I wonder what is more worthwhile than being the source of love, care and wisdom to new human beings?

The feminine essence is a mystery, an opening, an embodiment of love. What if the feminine life purpose is to be just that? To remind others of the delight of life with her skin, her hair, her radiant smile, her tears, her heart, her sensuality. That she is in herself a purpose, not as something to achieve but as a living, breathing force of nature.

This understanding can always be combined with a more goal-oriented life purpose, they are not exclusive. If you are confused as to what to do in the world, how to best give your gifts, follow what energetically attracts you. That will lead you to the place where you feel fulfilled and can give your gifts to others. You may need to train or study, and work hard, but it will feel right (most of the time). Even when it is difficult there will be this inner attraction that makes sense of it all.

If you are primarily a masculine essence you will be happier with a clear life purpose, knowing this will most likely change several times during your life. If you don’t have one, it’s an opportunity to go deeper and find the next layer of your life’s commitment. Criticising yourself or comparison with other more focused men won’t help — but quiet intention will.

If you are a young man, the pressure to know your purpose, and have a form for it, can be intense. Take the freedom to organically live your life, exploring and adventuring, and discovering your deepest purpose along the way. The urgency to find THE career, specialise, get it right, and succeed is often blocking the ability to discover what is right for each person. 

Whatever you are doing, do it with care and excellence and the next step will happen. If you are distracting yourself a lot, it can be a great idea to cut down on these distractions and be open to honing down into your purpose.

If you are primarily a feminine essence you don’t need a purpose in the same way as the masculine does. You will be happiest with your heart having a way to love fully and deeply, in service to others, with a wonderful freedom to express your energy and embodiment.

It won’t necessarily follow a straight line, it will probably be creatively full of curves  and swirls. Enjoy!

When we are single, our purpose in life often includes finding a mate, a beloved. It is helpful to know the purpose of the relationship you are seeking. Having fun and sexual exploration? Or building a life together? Creating a family? Following spiritual paths or choosing someone you want to evolve with in the best possible way? If you and a partner are not aligned in your purpose for the relationship it can be a struggle.

Couples sometimes find that when their purpose no longer matches it is hard to stay together. If one starts to want commitment and a family and the other does not want that, then love may not be enough. Or if years of marriage and raising a family has finished, they have completed  that purpose, and if one of them wants to explore and grow in alternative ways, and the other doesn’t, they may separate. 

Ideally, a couple can match their love and commitment to finding new purpose and new love that nourishes and gifts others, and it usually takes time, so let’s not be in a rush to have a life purpose. Celebrate it if you have one, for now. Be ready to dig deeper when you don’t have one. 

Or be content to love fully and deeply as one of the most profound purposes you could have.

Are you in alignment with your soul destiny, your purpose? Have you had a few purposes in this incarnation? What’s next for you? How do you feel about the nomenclature of masculine and feminine essence? We realise they are fluid and not gender specific but somehow we all recognise the language of masculine and feminine energies — Both vital, both equally important and both with joys and challenges. We love that the world is becoming less binary and more fluid. In praise of the dance of the masculine and feminine essence in all of us, please let us know your thoughts in the comments below.

I trust this article will support you in exploring your purpose in this challenging time.

love

Cynthia

This revised article was first published on Uplift Connect

The post Our Purpose? To Love Fully and Deeply appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

I’m in Shanghai running Living Love workshops and seeing yet again there is one thing that really makes a difference to the quality of our energy and life experience.  The special ingredient in life and love is Being of Service to others. Now you may think ‘Oh, I know that’ or ‘I’m burnt out doing that’ or ‘That’s not sexy’ but what does it really mean to live that today? Caring for others, local volunteering? Having spiritual compassion or effective activism, a global desire to make a difference in other’s lives? 

In our era of start-up mission statements, corporate social responsibility, social media tribes and catchy quotes, I ask has service to others lost its true power?

we can afford to live isolated in our own worlds

We potentially live in an age of growing self-interest, opportunism and narcissism, where we can afford to live isolated in our own worlds. Not being exposed to those less fortunate. Taking great care of ourselves, fulfilling our needs for more exciting, meaningful and comfortable lives. 

Many of us when we hear the word ‘service’ freak out. Perhaps you are exhausted from ‘over giving’ or a reformed ‘martyr’, and you have finally learnt to take care of yourself. Or you have a family to support and can’t give away time for free…. etc. All valid things to consider. And for some people being self-focused is a necessary antidote to lack of good boundaries.

And Being of Service to others is not actually in contradiction to that. We do need to take care of ourselves, be aware and be happy. But the focus and feeling sense is completely different. 

I act in service to your opening and I am more open

When we deliberately shift our attention lovingly to the other person(s) our happiness increases and our relationships improve. We act in service to the others opening and we are more open. We act in service to others freedom and we are freer. We don’t have to achieve complete openness or freedom before we can be of service. In fact, it’s a dynamic evolution, each building on the other.

In one of the workshop exercises recently the participants were holding out their arms to the side, at shoulder level, and as it got tiring, we experimented with thinking of someone we loved. Suddenly it wasn’t so tiring, and everyone could hold the position for much longer. 

Or doing the feminine Body Wave, when I ask women to look at someone else and offer their movement to support her, the intensity of practise goes right up. For the masculine, when their purpose involves benefits for others, they go deeper, and life is more meaningful.

Oxygen mask theory?

Every time we fly we are told to put on our own oxygen mask first before helping others. It’s become a common expression. And it’s true that if we are exhausted, stressed and overwhelmed it can feel like the last thing we should do is be of service to others. But when we do, in a healthy, strategic way not a ‘sacrificing’ way, we often feel much, much better. Doing what works within your capacity, to the maximum effect. Your service may not involve volunteering at soup kitchens.

An example – if I am nervous before giving a talk, I recognise that feeling, feel it quickly, then shift my focus off myself, and onto the audience. The nervousness is in me, so taking my attention out removes or reduces the fear. Then I can give a better talk and communicate my love. This works for so many things.

With your beloved

If you are feeling unsure or unhappy, experiencing negative emotions or uncomfortable physical symptoms, first do what you need to take care of yourself, then shift your attention onto the other. It’s not meant to be a negation of self but a way of being more yourself.

If you want to receive something and are not getting it, it’s freeing to just give that. If you want them to massage your feet, then offer to massage their feet. Or you want them to appreciate you, then appreciate them. It’s not a permanent solution if you are fundamentally in a relationship where you don’t receive, but it does break the deadlock of ‘I’m not getting my needs met’ and the energy starts to flow again, and you can ask for something you need later. 

In making love our service may be to receive

We can train ourselves to pay more attention to others than to ourselves, and to be of service to others. A benefit is that when we are less focused on ourselves, the mountains of our ‘problems’ turn into molehills. What seems so big reduces in importance. We are part of the whole.

In making love our service may be to receive, it’s not all about giving to others. Love flows and doesn’t get stuck in any one person or identity. We are taking care of ourselves in a healthy way, and then letting our attention flow out to the other, to see how they are, to see what delights them in the dance of love and freedom. 

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

The post The special ingredient in life and love appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

This will largely depend on your core orientation to masculine or feminine essence. For the masculine essence, which is mostly men, purpose is central to his motivation. For the feminine essence, which is mostly women, love is central to her motivation.

These days there is a lot of pressure to find your overarching life purpose. This will supposedly lead to greater clarity, focus and a more satisfying life. If this purpose is noble and serves others, even better.

However, many men and an increasing number of women are tortured by this idea and feel they are a failure because they don’t have a ‘life purpose’. Or they judge that their life purpose isn’t meaningful enough, or clear enough.

If you have a masculine essence you are most likely to have several different purposes throughout your life. Your purpose may be very different depending on your age and what stage of life you are at.

When we are in the process of building family, career and wealth, our purpose will most likely be very different from when we are young adults, looking for sexual partners and learning about life. Or when our family has grown up, career goals achieved or faded away, you may want to explore more adventurous or spiritual pursuits. So, your purpose will change and grow as you do.

Nothing seems clear anymore, he is in the unknown

When a man is in the space between a purpose coming to an end, and the new one not yet formed, this can be a very confusing time. Nothing seems clear anymore, he is in the unknown. Or he may have had a big purpose and failed to fulfil it. Patience and discipline is required to navigate this new territory and it can literally feel like life has no value or meaning.

Feminine partners can get very upset when their partner seems to morph from a man of action and purpose, to a man of indecision, doubt, inaction and even despair.

It can be challenging to know how to respond to him in this space. Do you help him find his new purpose, or demand he finds one, unhappily put up with it, or leave him until he does? None of those will support a man during a period of purposelessness.

When as a woman you have certainty in your heart

As a woman, you will need to discern whether he is genuinely navigating the abyss with devoted intention to work his way through it, until he remerges with a new purpose. Or whether he is getting lost and just spinning himself into circles and spiralling down into a waste land that doesn’t serve him. And to be aware where it’s your frustration with him that is biting you. Sometimes for him sitting on the couch doing nothing is necessary. When as a woman you have certainty in your heart, mind and body, act with authentic energetic responses (not giving him direction), and that will help him navigate these tricky waters.

Men, if you are lacking purpose don’t despair and grab for something, like a life raft. You most likely need to sink into the ocean and then rise with a new purpose. Sometimes your purpose may be revealed in a flash of insight, and sometimes it will take time, or even gradually dawn on you that you are already living your purpose.

Trying too hard to find your purpose can create a reaction

Traditional initiation rituals, such as a vision quest, were designed to help a man discover his purpose. People do various forms of these today, hoping for the clarity of a unifying vision, clear direction and knowing. Sometimes that knowing may come from the paradox of finding purpose by giving up purpose. Trying too hard to find your purpose can create a reaction that keeps it away. It’s the subtle art of intention, release and letting go. Trusted male friends will know how you are doing with this, as well as your partner if you have one. She will respond with devotion and patience if she sees you genuinely having the intention to discover your purpose. And with fury or ultimate withdrawal if you are aimlessly taking from her.

If you have a feminine essence, you may also long to have a clear life purpose. If it is a higher purpose it puts you in service to others, and that is meaningful for the feminine heart. It also makes sense of all the masculine energy you need to activate to achieve the purpose. A life purpose also gives an internal certainty and structure that can help the feminine relax and flow.

However, many women find that they can’t connect to a deep life purpose and are wondering ‘Is there is something wrong with me?’ This includes women who are mothers of small children. Our society generally doesn’t value raising children as a worthwhile purpose, a mother should be doing other things as well. I wonder what is more worthwhile than being the source of love, care and wisdom to new human beings?

 A living, breathing force of nature

The feminine essence is a mystery, an opening, an embodiment of love. What if her life purpose is to be that? To remind others of the delight of life with her skin, her hair, her radiant smile, her tears, her heart, her sensuality. That she is in herself a purpose, not as something to achieve but as a living, breathing force of nature.

This knowing can always be combined with a more goal oriented life purpose, they are not exclusive. If you are confused as to what to do in the world, how to best give your gifts, follow what energetically attracts you. That will lead you to the place where you feel fulfilled and can give your gifts to others. You may need to train or study, and work hard, but it will feel right (most of the time). Even when it is difficult there will be this inner attraction that makes sense of it all.

 Life purpose – do you really need it?

If you are primarily a masculine essence you will be happier with a clear life purpose, knowing this will most likely change during your life. If you don’t have one, it’s an opportunity to go deeper and find the next layer of your life’s commitment. Criticising yourself or comparison with other more focused men won’t help, rather quiet intention will.

If you are a young man, the pressure to know your purpose, and have a form for it, can be intense. Take the freedom to organically live your life, exploring and adventuring, and discovering your deepest purpose along the way. The urgency to find the career, specialise, get it right, and succeed is often blocking the ability to discover what is right for each person. Whatever you are doing, do it with care and excellence and the next step will happen. If you are distracting yourself a lot, it can be a great idea to cut down on these distractions and be open to honing down into your purpose.

If you are primarily a feminine essence you don’t need a purpose in the same way as the masculine. You will be happiest with your heart having a way to love fully and deeply, in service to others, with a wonderful freedom to express your energy and embodiment. It won’t necessarily follow a straight line, it will probably be curves and whirls and swirls. Enjoy!

Appreciating you with love and trust,

Cynthia

The post Life purpose – do you really need it? appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.