Losing Myself to Find Myself

In my youth I had a natural radiance and embodied vitality. I call it the ‘free radiance’ of young women. In my reproductive years I was in my feminine prime; strong, free, sexually alive. As I traversed fifty and beyond, the hormonal wheels slowed down and the fertility cycle eventually ended. I, and many female friends and clients, faced an emotional and physical challenge and an identity shake-up; a reshaping of how I see myself. I had to let go of old identities and embrace new, fresh perspectives. To find the true essence of sexual maturity.

As fertility declines the body changes, especially for women, and that affects our sexuality to different degrees. It is almost impossible to be prepared for that. Fortunately, these changes happen gradually and we have time to integrate and adjust. I found that the youth focus of our culture and the lack of dissemination of elders’ sacred wisdom can have a debilitating effect on sex, intimacy and love over fifty.

New Vigour and Creativity Emerges

I wanted to lean into my spiritual experiences, to the collective wisdom and also listen to my body so that I could embrace this transition as a sacred doorway to greater spirituality and fulfillment. As I climbed ‘over the hill’, I contemplated that I was entering the fertile ‘valley’ of tantric spirituality.

Over a few years this change does settle down and a new vigour and creativity emerges. I was even relieved at being free of the hormonal ‘drama’, clearer about my own needs and boundaries. And more powerful. Some women report having less interest in sex, for others it is the opposite. Or the desire to have a different type of sex and intimacy.

Cultivate Your Spiritual Foundation – Know Thyself

That is when my lifelong habits and spiritual practices came to the fore. I was fortunate to have a background in personal growth and Tantra and while the menopause years were not easy, I knew and had practiced for many years shining love through my body. To the best of my ability. My years studying the work of David Deida, sexuality author and teacher, plus other guides and mentors, taught me that our ability to be radiant love and deeply present are not dependant on any idea of perfection.

Image: Timur Romanov on Unsplash

However, in the realms of love, sex and intimacy as doorways to the divine, we benefit from embodied daily practice when younger. I didn’t really understand that until later. Initially, I was attracted to this opening into the divine, and in my usual style, dived straight in. It has not always been an easy path to follow. Now I may not be as radiant or wrinkle free as the younger me, but I can be wiser, kinder and sexier – more tantric in my approach to life and love.

As a woman with a predominantly feminine essence, the practice is to flow, breathe fully, open my body, let go and locate love. Whatever our gender, we all have both feminine and masculine aspects. For the masculine, the practice is to become more fully present, free and deeply aware, through the whole body.

I discovered that while men over fifty do not have the same decline in fertility as women, they do have a gradual decline of testosterone and can experience less sexual desire and ability. Together with the changes that women are having, this can affect sexuality, intimacy and relationships. Sexuality is fundamental to the sacred union of masculine and feminine, but over fifty years of age and beyond, it may not look like sex as we once knew it.

For men and women there can be physical issues that might need medical support and guidance. There are treatments, hormones, creams and pills etc. to assist older people in maintaining a healthy and connected sex drive. And the good news is that aging also pushes us into a natural flow of slower, more spiritual sexuality and deeper connection.

Psychologically, letting go of self-judgment is also challenging as our bodies can feel like they have ‘betrayed’ us. They haven’t, but they are naturally changing. However, our ability to slow down, breathe and be more fully in our bodies can actually increase with age. We are more likely to have the time and the inclination to ‘drop in’, to let go.

The Tango – The Dance of Synchronicity

This general change in men brings them more in sync with women. And women have long been available for prolonged foreplay and slower, more varied love making. As we come off the sexual ‘peak’ we are able to explore more the heart connection and the sexual subtleties of the ‘valley’. The next stage of tango can begin.

If we are able to take the performance pressure off our sexuality it can lead to longer, more relaxed love making sessions. And, if necessary, more ‘outercourse’ than intercourse. The usual paradigm of foreplay, arousal, penetration and orgasm may be off the menu for some, which hopefully leads to exploring new territory. Whole body massage and arousal, a sense of playfulness, slowing down and being in the moment. If we don’t focus on the way it used to be, we can be open to how it can be Now.

As he ages, the masculine can find himself discovering more of his feminine side, not needing to lead and direct so often. The feminine can also find herself post menopause in a more direct and focused energy. We have both feminine and masculine energies, but most people identify more with one or the other. The feminine essence in any gender is motivated by the flow of love and feelings, relationships, connection, community. The masculine essence is drawn to mission and purpose, directing the flow of energy, free from emotions. The predominance of one or the other can change as we go through different stages of our lives, but especially as we get older and our hormones change.

This can be a good time for the masculine to relax and sink deeper, letting go of some of the ‘doing’ and move more into ‘being’. At the same time for a woman it can be a very empowering time. Free of her hormonal cycle she can create what she wants and enjoy her life and sexuality with abandon.

For me, connection is the ultimate key to sexuality, love and intimacy. This intimate communion is deepened by embracing any limitations and changes each person is going through. It requires a flexibility and self-acceptance that develops over time. There is no quick answer, but it is helpful to know that many are in the same boat. And there are new ways of being together that will surprise you with their intensity and joy. Finally, we can focus on what is really important – being as one, the divine union and the aliveness of spirit in the body.

Peaks and Valleys

We have tended to see the ‘peak’ as the ultimate goal, the desirable summit, full of adrenaline and discovery. But for myself as I grow older, there are still some peaks of course, but the treasures and the pleasures of the valley are more enticing.

I have been partnered and single in these years over fifty. And in both circumstances, I found it essential to keep my sexual energy alive and my heart open. The tools we can all use are varied and include emotional intelligence, movement, meditation, healthy lifestyle, self-pleasuring, deepening into your masculine and feminine essence, breath work, pelvic opening and self-inquiry.

I had to find courage to be honest about my own changes and needs. Being willing to find the loving way through, without giving up, develops closeness and resilience in relationships.  The rewards, if we push through that barrier, can be astounding; the intimate sharing and revelation of our vulnerabilities can unlock our hidden sacred depths. In the valley we find ourselves, each other and the pure union of togetherness and oneness.

I trust this article will support you in discovering the true essence of sexual maturity for you.

love

Cynthia

First published on Uplift Connect: https://upliftconnect.com/the-true-essence-of-sexual-maturity/

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Worship – “the act of giving worth to something”.  How do we integrate worship and sexual essence – masculine, combining the sacred and the ordinary?

Recently I saw a ‘shiva lingam’* in nature. On a wild beach a branch was set upright into a tree trunk base. It was a powerful symbol and I felt spontaneously moved to adorn it. I arranged a swirl of dried grasses around the base, and then threaded together beautiful seaweed branches, dry and pliable, into a small sculptural offering. A fragile, luminescent shell in a tray of bark completed my ‘altar’.

Then came a deep bow of gratitude to all the wonderful masculine energy that contributes to my, and all our lives. The action heroes, the wise warriors, the protective spirit, the Shiva qualities of calmness, compassion, mastery of ego. It was a sacred moment of worship of the divine masculine consciousness.

What is the role of worship in sexual essence?

When we hear the term ‘worship the divine masculine or feminine in your partner’ it may sound attractive, corny or even weird. How can we worship another human being? A human being who may seem actually very ordinary as we go through our busy lives. And could it even be dangerous, unreal and give a sense of inflation? If it is done with a projection of perfection onto someone it could be problematic. But when done with full recognition of the flaws and foibles of a person, worship in our relationships is uplifting and takes us into the luminosity of the sacred.

“worshipping the masculine”

The evolving masculine is usually not looking for compliments or rewards for his good deeds. He flies under the radar and aims for deeper integrity every day of his life. He attempts to live his purpose, to awaken himself and support others, to be someone who makes a positive difference. In his own way, in his own sphere of influence.

Appreciation is the first step to worship.  Look for what he is doing right, his awareness, presence, what he is contributing and what you trust in him. When you appreciate him and actually tell him, then he becomes more trustable, and he is inspired to be deeper.

This doesn’t mean you can’t be real with him about things that concern you. In fact, you can do that more when you also offer worship.

Artwork by Ines Honfi http://www.ineshonfi.com

Worship in sexual essence is the next step, and a little riskier, more deeply loving. It is given to those who you trust. It means going beyond all the external stuff and worshiping his core masculine essence. The aspect in him that reflects the divine, that is the divine showing up in human form.

It is not about worshipping his ego or making him feel better. Rather it’s a deep recognition of the strength, power, compassion and integrity at his core.

Recently a man said to me about his devoted partner ‘I think she sees me as a better man than I actually am’. He was a little sheepish and a little proud,  called forward to be that man she sees him as.

Seeing beyond what he has, to what he does, and who he is. Being in devotion to his consciousness that reflects the divine consciousness of the whole universe.

“creating special private moments of recognition”

How to worship him?  With your words is a good start, appreciating him directly and even saying things in front of others. Being obviously proud of him. Creating special private moments of recognition, or even dancing for him as a devotional offering. This can be simple and beautiful. You don’t have to be a dancer or look perfect!

More intimately you can worship his penis, touching him with reverence and devotion. This will be amazing for him to experience, way beyond sexual pleasure and gratification.

If you currently don’t have a partner, worship of the divine masculine can be offered to the men in your life, in appropriate ways. It can also be done as a more general practice and attitude towards the masculine.  Go back over your past relationships and worship what you were given. Even if there are other hurts, focus on the gifts for a time. It is powerful medicine. What you look for is what you see.

…………….

“not degrading yourself with negative self-talk”

If you would like to be worshipped for your masculine essence in relationship, how do you attract a partner who wants to do that?

First step is honouring your own masculine essence. Not degrading yourself with negative self-talk or giving up on your own development. Doing things that enhance consciousness and truth. Honouring other men’s efforts to be aware, present and awake.

The second step is worshipping the feminine essence. Seeing the divine in your partner, and in all women.

I’ll explore that further in the next blog ‘Worship and Sexual Essence – Feminine’.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

*Shiva lingam – A Hindu symbol of cosmic mysteries, often shaped as a phallus or an elongated egg. Linked to a time where people worshiped the Lingam and Yoni as the point of creation, energy, and enlightenment.

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The desire for love and the erotic union of masculine and feminine runs deep, and yet there is little teaching in how to actually achieve this. And what teaching or information we do have is primarily misguided.

We have been told that continual intimacy, complete honesty, and sharing everything with your partner makes for great relationship. But the truth is this doesn’t necessarily lead to igniting that spark of sexual polarity and passionate devotion that makes a relationship alive.

In fact passion can be killed off in the cosy warmth of domestic life. Too much honesty can hurt another person or create conflict. And I am not advocating lying or deception here, but rather a subtle compassion as to what needs to be shared with the other. We don’t need to hear the bad stuff when it is something we can’t change, better to celebrate and appreciate the good stuff.

And talking about psychological problems together needs to be limited. It can be useful at times for trust and understanding, but it doesn’t usually create desire and attraction.

Talking too much to your partner in general can lead to boredom and taking each other for granted. Or to thinking you know everything about them. Intimacy can lead to a brother/sister type of relating. We are actually changing all the time – and mystery is exciting.

Mystery and the pull of magnetic attraction

This mystery and the pull of magnetic attraction needs to have a sense of difference to ignite. And this can be created, maintained and nurtured within modern relationships.

Celebrating the different needs and gifts of masculine and feminine essences makes a relationship much more dynamic and sexy. Accepting this as a priority may mean less time spent together in favour of more aliveness and attraction.

I see how women want their men to be like their girlfriends, then they complain they are not manly enough. Men make their women into co-workers or buddies and wonder why the goddess no longer shows up. We cannot be everything to each other, it’s just not possible, or desirable. Look to your friends, family and the wider community to fulfil some of the needs and keep the relationship as the union of masculine and feminine essences. Of course occasionally we can be all of these things to each other, but if we are depending on it all the time, it leads to frustration and disappointment, and it doesn’t have to be that way.

If you are dating and opening up to a new partner

If you are dating and opening up to a new partner, then knowing how and when to magnify your own essence as an attractive force, and how to be spiritually sexy, is a great art to learn. Don’t give everything away, take your time, and let the energy build. Hold onto yourself and your essence, after all this is what is attracting the other to you. Enjoying time apart will make you both more keen to see each other. Dress up for your dates, be comfortable to be masculine or feminine. Appreciate each other.

The Union of Masculine and Feminine is not a merger, it’s a union of opposites that can dance together as a celebration of differences. The allure is from the unknown other, not from sameness.

with love and trust,

Cynthia

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Most of us have an idea of what it means to be sexy or to find someone else sexy. They have a vibrant sexual energy, are flirtatious, funny, open and available, confident, alluring, passionate. This can be highly desirable until we come across the spiritually sexy man or woman and it rocks our world. Are you spiritually sexy?

Being spiritually sexy means having an embodied masculine or feminine essence that is rooted both in the sexual and the sacred. We are familiar with spiritual value and actions  – meditation, kindness, service to others, higher self awareness, being light. Being spiritual and sexy is an ultimate fusion. Every cell of your body becomes energized with the sacred life force and this is realized in your life and relationships.

A sexy person is attractive, and that can be a good thing. But that can blind us to other things – do they have honourable intentions, or are they driven by narcissism or greed? For women it can take painful experiences to learn that the sexy lover who so beautifully tunes in and guides you on the dance floor, may not be the spiritually sexy man who will open you through a multitude of challenges in a long-term relationship. In face he may be a klutzy dancer.

Similarly men can be misled by a woman’s looks and ‘hot’ body shape that promises ultimate sensual fulfillment. Beauty is captivating and men may overlook a woman whose essence is enchanting on more subtle levels, a woman whose radiant heart will glow long after her looks change. Or a partner who will support him in his life mission, devoted to love and naturally challenge him to be a better man.

What are the spiritually sexy qualities of the masculine and feminine?

The spiritually sexy man helps other people wake up to a deeper reality. Others seek his guidance and are drawn to his energy. He’s real, about himself and others. No bullshit. No excuses. He isn’t swayed by distractions. When he commits to something, he means it. He stares death in the face.

A spiritually sexy man really gets who and what the glorious feminine is, and is fully surrendered to his desire. Unafraid, he revels in her, he protects her, he makes her life better. Letting himself be fully loved by his chosen women. He knows who he is, so he can meet her. His love embraces sickness, childbirth, ageing, emotions and the changes of life.

I asked some of the Living Love trainees what is spiritually sexy to them in men?

For Marga, he is ‘The man who loves to walk through his inner world without fear, who can meet me everywhere even when we fuck up, who can laugh with me, at our imperfections as we fall into bed or onto the forest floor or into the ocean or….or…… Oh – and a tool belt helps.’

Nicola finds a man on purpose appealing, ‘When a man stands strong in your feminine storm. When you’re grumpy and he spanks your bum or makes you laugh. When he follows his purpose but still gives you the depth of his presence to show you how important you are to him…. Oh and anything that involves practical stuff …. that I just can’t do!!!’

And for Ozlem, ‘Two words: Bradley Cooper. My idea of spiritually sexy. His presence, centeredness, deep blue eyes with a rich soul, goes for what he wants with no hesitation, the way he takes his woman, gentleness, his physique and open body, compassionate.’

 While Candace loves, ‘A deep warmth and kindness that is curl-up-and-let-go trustable. An unwavering inner stillpoint. More solid than an oak. Aligned with his integrity and connected to his heart.’

And what about spiritually sexy women?

For Matt, ‘When a woman makes herself available through eye contact, when she is in her body with expressive bodily movements eventuated at the hips, easy and open to communicate with…’

Many women try and fit an ideal. They want to be attractive and desirable and forget that deep men love a woman who is being herself. Her unique foibles are endearing and her connection to herself is vital.

Nick says, ‘For me spiritually sexy has little or nothing to do with physical beauty. It is a woman who is relaxed into her power and comfortable in her own skin.’

And for Graeme ‘I also find that woman that know themselves spiritually, are the ones that I often find the most attractive.’

Graeme went on to describe himself, ‘I feel alive and driven by a deep consciousness, whenever I fully allow myself to drop into my spiritual side completely. For me it has a feel of being ordinary, powerful, sexy and vulnerable...’

How do we attract a spiritually sexy partner? How do we be more spiritually sexy ourselves?

Being true to what matters to us in a partner has the power to call it forth in others. As Nick says, ‘She demands that I rise and meet that challenge with full presence and a heart so wide open I am at once incredibly vulnerable and supremely invincible.’

Knowing how to discern what is spiritually sexy, we may find that it does not fit the conventional stereotypes. Being willing to wait for a man or a woman that has these qualities or is developing them is essential. Not letting superficial desires distract you from the real deal. Hold true and the universe gets the message.

We attract our reciprocal. This means doing the work to open up, deepen, offer our gifts to others and receive theirs. To appreciate what we value in another, to name it helps it grow too.

What do you find spiritually sexy? Who is spiritually sexy to you? How can you be more spiritually sexy?

with love,

Cynthia

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