The real lover isn’t the version of you that’s trying to get it right. Also it’s not just the more confident, more open, more aware you.

The real lover is who you are when you feel safe enough to be fully yourself.

Do you feel safe to be fully you in relationship?
Do you trust that you’ll be appreciated and loved? Not just for your warmth and openness, but also for your sensitivity, your fear, the parts of you that hold back?

Many of us don’t realise how much we manage ourselves in relationship. We soften important boundaries. We adapt and try to be easier to love, less demanding, more contained. We’ve been hurt before.

Or we restrain our masculine intensity – our strength and direction. Or dilute our feminine flow of devotional love and feeling. We pull back from our full expressions of love and freedom.

I see this repeatedly in my work.

In dating, someone feels a genuine connection but holds back their interest or desire.  They don’t want to seem too much, too keen, too vulnerable. On the surface everything seems ok, friendly and harmonious, but something essential isn’t being revealed, and the connection slowly fades or goes into the ‘friend-zone’.

Anger is often repressed rather than expressed in longer-term relationships, Someone feels hurt or frustrated but stays quiet — not wanting to create conflict or seem unloving. The anger doesn’t disappear; it turns into distance, and intimacy slowly dies. I’m not at all advocating angry violence but making room for it as an emotion and finding ways to feel and embrace it safely.

When there isn’t enough safety, the body doesn’t open. It freezes, guards, withdraws, shuts down.
And when this happens over time, our capacity to give and receive love is limited. Our passion is diluted, our wild animal energy is nowhere to be found.

Then we start to wonder why the spark fades. Why we feel disconnected from ourselves and our relationships don’t go anywhere. Why connections that once felt alive start to deaden.

This isn’t a failure of intention or love. It’s often an unconscious response to not feeling safe enough to fully arrive.

The real lover emerges when the nervous system feels safe enough to stay open, present, and real. This is something that we can cultivate within ourselves, in small groups and with a beloved.

The real lover is able to be all of themselves, the gentle and wild, the light and the dark, the deep and the humorous. To be vulnerable and powerful. To offer their gifts in relationship, to be of value, to be free and loved.

Firstly we give ourselves permission to reveal more of ourselves. We discover who we really are. We trust to show ourselves in both ordinary and spiritual aspects. Secondly, we show up in our relationships and see what happens. It’s ok to take it slowly, after all you are exploring new ground. Thirdly, we also open to embrace the other’s realness and expression too. Life and love can become a wonderful exciting journey, and also rooted in everyday life.

This is the exploration at the heart of my work, and of the Attraction, Intimacy & Love Workshop – a space to meet yourself honestly in relationship, and to discover what becomes possible when you no longer have to hold yourself back.

Love,

Cynthia

The post The Real Lover appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

I used to avoid disagreements but now I know the art of loving disagreements I use them as a tool of growth and self-enquiry. And I realised there is potentially a lot of passion in fighting.

When I am in conflict, I notice what is going on in my body. Perhaps I am actually ‘digging in my heels’, getting ‘hot under the collar’ and am ‘red-faced’. My body stiffens and my thinking becomes more rigid. My voice gets louder, and all in all, it’s intense!  

We heat up when we fight, and the stress hormone Cortisol floods the body. This eventually suppresses our immune system, which is a real no-no, especially for our pandemic era. And I discovered fighting increases our mortality rate.

I have spent years learning how to widen back my awareness, loosen up my opinions, stay calm, and generally look at my part in things. I struggled until I could say sorry and mean it. And that was fabulous training.

This is the arena of conscious disagreement, conflict resolution, mediation, and therapy. Eye contact, slowing down, deep breathing and listening without judgement is essential. Staying connected to your own feelings and reactions. I learnt how to breathe deeply when triggered into arguments, watch my automatic responses and listen to the other person with curiosity even if I hated what they were saying. Finding the middle ground was the aim, or allowing differences to just be there.

These practices short circuit the adrenal response and lower the cortisol level. A few more years of life gained there, hopefully. And I am sure this inner work made me an easier person to be around. 

Meeting in the middle

In this way we can enter and appreciate the other person’s reality, without having to agree with it. The other person feels heard and they relax too, and you find a way through, potentially meeting diverse needs. A win-win scenario emerges. Many conflicts in our world have been avoided by skilful negotiators intervening. At this moment there will be people doing this in war or conflict zones, with business and government, working hard to bring people together.

Over time we learn that our sense of self is not dependent on being right, on winning an argument.  Allowing the other their space does not mean we are less. And you can get quick at it too, choosing to just let go rather than have to be right. When this approach works, we feel more spacious and our hearts are more open. Neither running away nor getting aggressive pays off.  New levels of understanding, trust and connection open up. Creativity emerges. 

In an intimate relationship it means we can feel safe, that we won’t get dumped on by our partner, or attacked out of nowhere. The energy is smoother and more friendly. 

And yet it can also become dull and lacking in passion. Couples who disagree skilfully, last longer and report being happier. How could that be if fighting and conflict are bad? Because they aren’t bad if we are open and connected, if we don’t unfairly attack but just express the energy and own it. It can be liberating and even fun. 

The ‘Anger Dance’

Where the relationship is basically a loving one, with safety and trust, I sometimes suggest an ‘anger dance’ to couples who are stuck in conflict and niggling at each other, or scared of what they might unleash. I have done this myself and it works. 

Each person takes the floor for a period of time and dances or moves their anger and makes sounds, to music or to drumming. The other watches on and supports them in unleashing their energy. In this dance they are embodying and taking ownership of the feelings. It is not a blame dance, it is a solo expression of the anger, frustration or pain they feel. When both people do it, they reveal themselves to each other, and there is a freedom and vulnerability that touches the heart. 

When we are open, a fight clears the air and creates passion, but only if you are keeping the thread of connection. Only if each person can feel love. Only if it creates more love.

It is exhilarating to be able to stamp our feet, toss our hair, huff and puff, and feel love in the midst of it. To know that it does not diminish the love but enhances it. That humour can be found in the disagreements, and the intensity and ill feeling can be dropped quickly. It is purely energy after all.

It is the work of our spiritual practices that allow us to embrace a dispute, to treat conflict as healthy. It is an expression of ourselves and in showing this to each other, with dumping or blaming, then we can feel more authentic, more alive and more vibrant. It takes being sensitive to the other person, and also it takes trust.

I am not recommending hurting or attacking people, as that is destructive and ends friendships and relationships, but occasionally being able to swear and get ‘dirty’ is enjoyable and creates fire and passion. Not all of our interactions have to be like calm water.  Let’s light a flame with our differences and we can dance together around that fire!

When we read the biographies of saints and teachers, our gurus and heros, we find they didn’t shy away from conflict. When it was the right thing for the right outcome, they engaged. Not from righteousness, but from a place of right action. For the sake of Love: always for the sake of Love.

love

Cynthia

First published on Uplift Connect here

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Everyone is now abuzz with the new freedoms. Some are venturing out slowly while others are bounding out to enjoy what they can, finally. There are those who don’t want the isolation to end. Are you ready for coming out of isolation?

We have been exploring a strange land, facing our fears and challenges, searching for treasure, collecting wise insights. All while being in isolation at home. Our world suddenly changed, and with it, we are changed forever. And now it is changing again, and that can be disturbing or shocking too.

What treasures are you bringing with you?

In this journey of upheaval, I have had to trust the unknown. Waiting in the dark at times, to know what vision or energy wanted to be born or reborn in myself, other people, and our world. From this crisis I emerge both more resilient and surrendered.

As you re-emerge, what is your intuitive vision for the way forward that honours you? To discover this, I am going to ask some questions and I encourage you to make time and space, get a sheet of actual paper and handwrite your answers. There is no correct way to do so. You may have crystal clear clarity. Or merely a vague hunch. You may have a nugget of treasure so tiny that you almost miss it.

Who have you become?  You are not the same person.

Perhaps you have connected with a new support system, mentors, counsellors and are in a healthy groove. Or you know you cannot continue how you were before the pandemic. Things need to change for you now. And for your world.

The Questions:

1.     What valuable treasures from isolation time do you want to bring with you?   

I believe it’s essential at this time for us all to be creative and intuitive. We have each been rapidly adjusting to a once in a century ‘black swan’ event. Let’s not just snap back to the old identities, the old ways. Systems and ideologies are shaken up and that’s a good thing. We are waking up! Let’s hold our precious treasure like one holds a newborn baby.

2.     What mattered most to you during isolation?

The enjoyment of being quieter at home, or the gratitude of having a job, even if it was more stressful. The appreciation of love and intimacy, or a fresh ability to resolve conflicts. More time with your children, realising you want a family yourself or contentment with how things are. Deepening your knowledge and life purpose, refreshing your goals, developing a meditation practise?

3.     What gems of Love and Freedom do you want to bring into your life?

Don’t feel pressured to do at once all the activities you have missed, to rush back in. Pace yourself, so as to savour and enjoy your experiences of connection and activity. Get to know that new potential lover before you dive in.  Make time to write, muse, plan ahead. Talk, or dance, about what is happening for you. Listen. Be real, be gutsy.

4.     Who have you become?

You are not the same person you were before pandemic. It is who we are being that creates what we do and what we have. What part of yourself has emerged during lockdown that you like and find valuable? It could be a younger you, a sexier you, a skill you had put aside has come back.

5.     What is your vision for the way forward?

Write down whatever comes to mind, without censoring it. Big and small, clear and vague. We are receiving messages from the universe constantly, if we know how to listen. Let our hearts lead the way forward. Let’s put our ear to the ground, to hear what the earth is saying to us.

6.     What can you embody your vision?

You don’t necessarily have to jump into the masculine mode here, it’s more of a creative next step emerging, a pathway unfolding that feels right to you. It could be as big a new business direction, or as whimsical as changing your bedroom around. Whatever you find, be happy to sit with it and roll it around on your tongue and see how it tastes. There may be resistances, but if we want a new vision, and not to snap back into the old ways, we will need to risk change.

………………………..

Sensitivity to ourselves, and each other is so important right now. And what feels right for you, may not feel right to another. Let there be differences. TRUST YOURSELF.  We can look for the oneness that unites us all, beyond personality, thoughts, judgements and separation.

Nature has taken a deep breath and so have we.

love
Cynthia

P.S. If you want support and clarity to find or embody your emerging vision, please contact me for a session.

The post Are you ready for coming out of isolation? appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Most people want better sex, more sex or even ideal sex. Some people want less sex (than their partner does).

Sex is a big motivator in our lives. The desire for physical intimacy and real love is natural and ageless. When that is not happening fully to our satisfaction, or not at all, we start wondering what we can do about it?

There is an idea that if only we could be different, improve ourselves, change our ways, we will have more of what we want. If we are more attractive, confident, successful, friendly, sexy etc we will have better sex, more fulfilment, a better life. Even the idea that if we were spiritually evolved enough not to need something, then we could have it.

“We are busy working hard to not be somebody”

The problem with this way of thinking is that it is usually based on a lack of acceptance of some part of ourselves. We are busy working hard to not be somebody. To push away what we really think about ourselves. To counteract a hidden belief about our lack of worthiness, our ugliness, neediness, loneliness, stupidity, not fitting in etc. Usually we are not aware of these hidden beliefs and the activity we put over the top of them, which becomes automatic and driven. The effects of these masks can be devastating.

For example, if deep down we have a childhood belief we are ugly or not sexually attractive we become ripe fodder for marketers and salespeople. Why else would she risk her health, and her bank balance, even her life, to have a Brazilan Butt Lift for a bigger bum, or a labiaplasty for cosmetic purposes? It is our right to choose for our own body, and there is a case to be made for cosmetic surgery, but if the choice is coming from shame or unexamined beliefs it just may be unnecessary.

These are extreme and obvious examples and there are many more subtle ways we can be acting out. Putting in extra effort in relationships when its not needed. Being overly helpful, trying too hard or avoiding intimacy altogether. Doing all the ‘right’ things and wondering why it still doesn’t work.

This dynamic actually stops what we want from happening.

A woman thinking this way is not relaxed intimately or sexually because part of her energy is focused on making sure her partner does not find out who she ‘really is’.

“We become susceptible to imagined wrongs”

Similarly, if he believes that he is a failure, not good enough, he risks becoming a workaholic or a ‘success junkie’ to prove that is not the case. A workaholic at sex too, trying hard to please, to be a great lover, to even be a super stud or an evolved tantric lover. But not really present in the moment where all great sex happens.

If he believes he is not a ‘real’ man, that he is a fearful ‘coward’, he may even pick a fight or go to war and risk his life to prove that he is indeed a fearless warrior. Or he may need to dominate his partner at all times.

Making love with this energy running can be exhausting, there is no vulnerability, no place to rest and be. He can’t receive love.

Also, the potential for triggers is big, as anything that sets off the underlying belief is painful and unconscious. We become susceptible to imagined wrongs and slights. We become reactive and this creates the opposite of what we really want which is greater intimacy, better sex, a fulfilling life.

“Learning how to let go and relax into acceptance”

There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve and learn, but that should lead us to recognise these unconscious drives and our hidden beliefs. Ultimately, leading to letting go and relaxing into acceptance. Acceptance of who we are and what we think about ourselves. Acceptance of the other. Then we can decide what needs improving from a very different viewpoint. We can learn about the opposite sex or tantra because we want to, not because deep down we fear we are a failure and need to succeed at sex. We can enhance our attractiveness because it feels good, not because we really believe we are ugly. We can seek partners not because we are afraid of feeling lonely, but because we need and want a person to share our lives with.

These hidden beliefs are usually formed early on in life and are often a surprise when we discover them. Yet they seem familiar because we have been sensing them there in the background. What a relief when you can accept and relax into and beyond the idea you have about yourself.

“You are free to respond in the moment”

Imagine the scenario where you approach your partner to have sex and they say no. If you believe you are unattractive, you will think the worst and shut down, withdraw or go into coping strategies, even acting out with all kinds of dramatic behaviour or punishment. If you are aware of that belief and accept it, it loses its power. You are free to respond in the moment. Perhaps they are tired, sleepy, unwell or just not interested right then. You are free to be playful, seductive even or to relax until another time. Or to address underlying issues between the two of you that are causing the lack of intimacy.

Or an example for singles. Let’s say you meet someone new and you are attracted to them. But they don’t communicate in the way you need or like. If deep down, you think you are not a lovable person then you will immediately think they are not interested in you. Perhaps you even quiz them to see if they like you or have serious intentions.

Without this triggered response you are free to assess the situation, find out what’s really happening and respond. And sometimes it turns out they aren’t interested. Or they didn’t want to overwhelm you; they were sick, or so attracted to you they felt nervous.

It is scary to be on the other end of these beliefs. Pushing from these underlying identities is a turn off. We can recognise pretty quickly in others who they are resisting or not accepting in themselves. And rightly, we don’t want to take responsibility for that. We can be reassuring when we discover their hidden vulnerability, but trying to fix it for them is fruitless.

“This brings deep relaxation sexually, and in life”

Better sex is about being self-accepting and therefore being free from the compensating behaviours. It is not about becoming a better you based on the idea the real you is not ok.

This acceptance brings deep relaxation sexually, and in life. We can be in the moment, responsive to our own sensations and to our partners. Responsive to a future partner that we may be dating or looking to meet. Walls go down and authenticity is sexy. It brings our real, imperfect selves to the encounter. From there we can grow and learn and ask and be curious. There is a deeper trust in the self. You know what it is you are afraid to feel, afraid to reveal.

“Who am I not wanting to be?”

If you notice a tension, a driven quality then this can be a sign you have an underlying hidden belief. If you find things not moving in the right direction for you, even though you are exerting a lot of energy, this could be why.

Ask yourself, who am I not wanting to be? What is my wounded sense of self from childhood that hasn’t resolved and still has tentacles into the present?  No matter how much growth we have done, these hidden beliefs can pop up, or slowly rise to consciousness. Feel it in your body, welcome it in. Even if you are burning in shame say yes, as though you are discovering an old friend. Have ultimate compassion and appreciation for yourself in that moment.

As we accept ourselves without judgement in this way, as we go through it, we have the ah-ha moment. And the resulting relaxation flows into our sexuality, our relating, our friendships, our career, our ease of being.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

The post Better sex, better you? appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Protection, closing off physically and emotionally, is sometimes very necessary, but mostly it causes the harm it seeks to avoid. Here I am talking about unnecessary protection that usually comes from past fears.

When we are younger we are naturally open, and we may be hurt, severely disappointed or traumatised. Therefore, we conclude it’s not safe to be open as it leads to painful experiences and feelings. We protect ourselves in unique ways.

As human beings we have a long gestation time, then once we are born we have years of vulnerability. We lack sharp teeth, claws, armour, stingers or camouflage. Necessarily then we are wired for bonding to our protective parents and carers. Physically and emotionally this make us helpless and vulnerable, and also vulnerable to abandonment and rejection.

During our lives we experience imperfect parenting, peer group pressures and even bullying or abuse, and then may come relationship losses, so we develop habits of protection. It makes perfect sense at the time to hide our soft centres, even eventually from ourselves. But as we grow and mature we realise unnecessary protection doesn’t work. It temporarily avoids pain, but at a cost.

DOWNSIDE TO PROTECTION

·    Protection may aim to keep us ‘safe’ but eventually it keeps us separate from others, and vulnerable to loneliness and despair, or to a feeling of superficiality in our lives and relationships.

·    The illusion is that we need protection to be safe. The reality is that unless we are facing real harm, protection will keep us from the closeness we need to thrive. It can make us unhealthy, cause sickness and stress. It can prevent us resolving hurts and issues.

·     Protection decreases pleasure. If we are contracting our bodies in protection, then pleasure is decreased. Pleasure requires openness, relaxation and letting go.

·     If we are overly protected, we become more reactive to the ‘slings and arrows’ of life. It is like a shell that feels safe, but is actually brittle, and rocks with every movement. Without protection we have natural ‘shock absorbers’ to the knocks of life.

Protection can be invisible. Do you know that moment when you let-go, and realise ‘wow I’ve been protecting myself’? You had gotten so used to it you didn’t even notice it was there. It feels normal, but it isn’t.

HOW DOES PROTECTION SHOW UP?

·      Protection can be criticising others, wanting others to change or trying to fix them.

·      Withdrawing to be ‘safe’ or to reduce overwhelm.

·      Being cerebral and analytical instead of raw and vulnerable.

·      Making the other person wrong – needing to be ‘right’ or ‘in control’.

·      A lack of commitment. Avoiding intimate relationships.

·      Hanging onto beliefs about your opening that don’t serve you.

LETTING GO OF PROTECTION

·    Our protective identities are there to preserve the status quo, to keep us safe. If we disturb them too vigorously it can create backlash, so we need to honour those protective parts of ourselves. But also, to be aware of what protection serves us and what harms us.

·    Letting go of protection (in safe circumstances) requires an internal softening of your breath, your body and your stance.

·    Do bodily practices to increase openness. Yoga, dance, breath work, tai chi etc.  Also sensing your tension or contraction, and releasing it.

·    Become aware of how you protect yourself with certain types of clothing, attitudes, words, even holding inflexible opinions.

·    Avoid withholding, criticising, deflecting, or blaming others.

·    Do inner work to heal hurts from past relationships.

·    Seeing your part in painful events is empowering. Then you can trust yourself to make different choices in the future.

·    Connect with what you really want outside of the protection. It can’t be found when a barrier is in place. Boundaries are self-care, barriers are protection.

Mainly we need to take courage and let our guard down and let life open us in all its wonderful and difficult way.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

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I know from my own experience that unwanted or difficult emotions can be challenging. They can make you feel out of control, off purpose or simply distressed. Do you have bursts of anger that you later regret? Or do you experience an upwelling of sadness at unexpected moments? Do you find yourself often in emotional turmoil? Perhaps you suspect that your, or your partner’s emotions, are negatively effecting your relationship?

“our emotions can be giving us a valid message”

Sometimes our difficult emotions are because of what is happening right now. They can be helpful and giving us a valid message. Anger can be  a sign of frustration with a situation that needs to change. Sadness may be a symptom of chronic depression that requires treatment. Fear may be an appropriate response to threat. In these cases, our emotional response is rightly telling us to act. In relationships we would do well to pay attention to these emotions.

However, quite often our emotions or feelings seem out of proportion to the current situation. Our partner, or friend, does something small and we are highly emotional about it. The level of intensity (charge) suggests we are caught in a ‘pattern’.  It is an unconscious response due to the triggering of past events that were too painful or traumatic for us to fully experience them. This triggering process is an attempt by your higher self to release the trapped emotion(s) by fully feeling it now. However they can be unhelpful to our current situation.

“exploding and reacting to our loved ones”

How do we know which is which? It’s important to get it right. We don’t want to be endlessly self-exploring while ignoring the things that need to be said and done in the present moment. For example, analysing past relationships while tolerating your current partner being cruel to you. Nor do we want to be exploding and reacting to our loved ones from a past imprint that has nothing to do with them. Over time this damages the love between you.

First step is to check in with yourself and to see what is coming from your past experiences.

Safety: If you feel you may be very overwhelmed or frightened by traumatic feelings, the practice below is best done with a skilled therapist. Or you can also practice it on an emotion and situation where there is only a very small amount of intensity or charge. If you feel concerned at any point just gently come out of the practice and relax in the here and now.

If you are confident in your ability to feel and explore your own difficult emotions, and to be compassionate towards yourself, then  you can begin this practice. There are other ways to manage difficult, unwanted emotions –  however this is a way I sometimes use and it is effective.

Step 1. Preparation

Set aside at least 15 minutes. If you are unable to do that when the difficult emotion arises, then make a promise to yourself you will do it later that day. Find a private, safe space where you won’t be interrupted.

Take a few moments to connect with yourself in whatever way you like to do that – breathing, stretching, dancing, meditating. Do whatever works for you.

Step 2. Inner journey

• Identify the difficult emotion and its context as clearly as you can. E.g. my feelings of anger happened when my partner forgot to pay a bill as they promised, or it may have arisen in a work situation, a conflict, or a traumatic incident has occurred, or watching TV news or reading a book has triggered a strong and difficult emotional feeling.

• Now Fully Feel the emotion – get curious. What area of your body does it occupy? Explore how it feels in your body. As you do this, notice any memories or thoughts or images or other sensations that arise. You may like to take notes in your journal, draw pictures or talk into a microphone as you explore the feeling. After a while it will feel like that step is done. Or you will just naturally drop into this next part.

• See if there is anything under that original feeling.  Keep exploring with an attitude of curiosity and open-mindedness and compassion for self. Have the intention to drop through that original feeling, as if you were diving deeper into a pool. Trust whatever arises.  This may take a short time or a longer time. Again, you may like to take notes or in some way record what you experience or any insights that occur. Treat yourself like you would a beloved who was experiencing this. After a while it will feel like that step is done.

• Relax and come back to yourself. Follow your breath for a few moments, gently stretch or shake your body, or just be. Notice what you are experiencing. Perhaps there is a new spaciousness or a sense of more loving kindness towards yourself. If not, start the process again on what emotions are now there, until you experience any degree of increased spaciousness or compassion. (It’s also ok to take some notes and return to do this at another time.)

• With that spaciousness, you may experience a spontaneous arising of a positive, enjoyable emotion in the place of the unwanted one. If not, imagine an opposite emotions to the one you are working on. If it’s anger you may imagine feeling peaceful, compassionate, happy, loving etc. Or if it’s feeling uncared for you can imagine yourself being nurtured and cherished. Choose what you would like to feel and imagine it flooding your body.

• From this place of spaciousness and positive emotion, or wherever you have arrived at, take your mind back to the original situation and the emotion you felt. Notice how much charge you have now.

• Once you have taken the above steps and felt what you need to feel and what could be under that, you can decide how you want to act, if at all. Magic happens when we are willing to experience our difficult or trapped emotions.

Step 3. Emotions can be sexy!

Once you are feeling less triggered or charged about the emotion and the situation, then you are free to express as needed with yourself, and a partner. You can talk about the current situation and your emotions, and find a solution, or you can play with it, have humour, do an anger dance, be beautifully vulnerable. Emotions can be sexy!

with love

Cynthia

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If Love is a risk, then why do it? What are you willing to risk for love?

Love isn’t something we can control, organise, keep in a pretty box, a spreadsheet or an iphone. It isn’t anything we can rationally understand. Unconditional love will require us to let-go, over and over. Love also contributes to our sense of security but essentially love is a risk.

Love flies is the face of our egoic structures that attempt to keep us safe and protected. It is a ’freefall’. Once you let go into it, then it’s a wild ride. It takes courage, persistence and trust. Trusting your own heart in the face of opinion, doubt, past beliefs and circumstances.

It is risky to Love fully and deeply and it needs to be grounded in self-love. We need to know our limits, and honour our vulnerability. Otherwise we are in danger of eventually contracting back into deeper protection.

When we risk love we are inviting our fears to surface 

Treat these fears with respect and compassion, but don’t live by them. Don’t let fear rule our hearts. Let love rule. Let your deepest heart guide you. The wise person risks being a fool for love. If we stay contracted and fearful we will end up with separation and isolation. We may be more ‘comfortable’ but there will be that nagging ‘what if…?’

Love is a bushfire that can burn away what needs to be burnt away. It can also be a beautiful warm bath to sink into and relax. But we know deep down the plug can be pulled, leaving us sitting wet and cold in an empty bathtub wondering what the hell happened?

In spite of our best efforts at loyalty, commitment and authenticity, love has no guarantees. We live in an impermanent world. We love people, animals, things, ideas – all of which will eventually be swept away. In fact love may be the only permanent thing. It is the stuff of the universe. It’s also called consciousness.

The heart longs for love, risks for love, dies for love.

We can be aflame with love for another and it’s not reciprocated. Or have given our all and been used. Or we can be in long and beautiful marriages and one of the partners eventually dies. And even knowing this, the flame of love continues to burn. The heart longs for love, risks for love, dies for love. A warrior gives their life for love of family, country, freedom, ideals. The grandmother comes out of retirement to care for the children of her drug addicted daughter. A brother jumps into a raging river to save his sister from drowning. A health worker risks their life treating  infectious patients.

We stretch ourselves to give birth to love. There are inevitable stretch marks, scars and the incredible beauty of the freefall, the birth, the rebirth, the dive into the heart of love. It’s an opening, a gap, a portal, a doorway. It’s not always wide open….. we may have to pull it creaking and resisting, or fling it open. Sometimes love is a flood, sometimes a slow trickle that fills the dam. When the dam walls burst we stand free and clear as lovers of life, lovers of awakening, of spirit, of freedom, of all that is.

What does risking love look like?

It could be committing to a beloved or renewing commitment. Equally it could be committing to your own truth and ending a wrong relationship.  A fertile ground for love is being vulnerable to others – revealing yourself. Risking love for you may be joining a dating site saying ’I’m ready for love.’ For another it could be accepting a desire to conceive a child, or letting go of a child ready to fly the nest. Asking for help may wrench your heart out of its comfort zone. For the masculine it may be to deepen your mission and purpose, while making time and honouring your intimate life. Start doing what you love, or bring heart integrity to what you already do. Be a deeper man. Be a more alive woman. Act now or…. wait and receive.

Love is what sits right in your heart right now. Listen to that voice, that urge, that true desire.

There are no rules in the freefall to love. Risk, and love is its own reward. Yes you will suffer and yes you will be fulfilled. Your life takes on the deepest meaning you can imagine.

Practices to live love:

1. Find a quiet place to sit and reflect on what your heart is saying to you – it does talk when we get quiet enough to listen. Trust what comes up, protect it, nurture it. Then act on it.

2. Take notice of your dreams and daydreams – they are powerful ways your intuition talks to you about what lies deeper in your heart.

3. Consult with your trusted friends and allies – they know when you are living your heart.

With love

Cynthia

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The Feminine Mystery. What does that mean? And what does it mean ‘men – surf the feminine mystery’.

The feminine essence is mysterious, elusive, flowing and often unpredictable. Changing from soft and calm to fiery and chaotic. She defies rational thought and lives inside the great mystery of life. She seems to slide away just when you think you have her figured out. Like the ocean.

A mystery cannot be known, but it can be loved. If the Masculine essence can embrace the mystery and provide good boundaries that help her life, then she will gift him with a ring side seat to the theatre of her mystery as it unfolds.

Imagine living with an oceanic mystery of love where you don’t know what will come in the next moment! How thrilling. This can only happen if the feminine one is willing to trust her energy, her feelings, her life force itself. And if she trusts her masculine partner to reveal all of herself to him.

The feminine is a tremendously powerful force, especially when she allows her energies to be fully expressed, not as a chaotic array of weapons, but as the forces of love.

For a feminine orientated person to trust that she is in essence not the same as as the masculine, is revolutionary. Most women are conditioned to try and be like men – thinking, planning, rationalising, understanding, directing – all great qualities that she absolutely needs. But if she has predominantly feminine essence then this denies the true nature of her wild, unpredictable self. The self that can love gently or fiercely depending on what is called out from her by each moment.

Men are sometimes confused, afraid or dismissing of the feminine mystery because they do not know it, value it or understand it. If he can accept that she can’t actually be understood as he understands men, rather that she is longing to be seen, appreciated, loved and desired as the mystery that she is, then he will receive her sacred self.

She doesn’t open up to the masculine trying to figure her out, although she may appreciate his efforts, she will be unattracted to his attempts to control, define, fix, or sort-out. However if he can be present with her, deeply enjoy her as the mystery, penetrate and support her so her life becomes more relaxed, then she will shower him with devotion and reveal all the amazing colours, flavours and textures of her feminine essence and love.

Men may prefer to use their directed energy to go straight to the point of the matter but if they are around a woman gifting them with her feminine essence he gets to the point in a series of waves and surges. Learning to ‘surf’ he appreciates the journey, not just the destination. He has respect for the ocean and enjoys the ride.

with love

Cynthia

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A multitude of books, internet sites, articles and TV shows have been created on the pursuit of happiness. And we naturally desire to be happy, it feels good! But danger lies in feeling that if we are not constantly happy there is something wrong with us, we aren’t good enough, or aware or loving enough! Light and dark feelings are natural.

If we risk opening to love and becoming more aware, we risk opening to both light and dark feelings. There are times when we are not on top of things, feeling anything but joyful or purposeful, or not ‘succeeding’ in our desire to create a better world. This can be hard to tolerate and made worse by the recent trend of ‘expecting happiness’.

But is being always happy and upbeat a realistic goal? And does that goal create the type of depth and love that is fully human and touches the divine? Or does it feed the ego’s impulses to create the illusion of safety by overriding, going numb, not feeling, maintaining an image?

Instead, we can practice relaxing into the darker aspects of life, feeling through our shells of protection and fear, dropping deeper and deeper through the layers of painful experiences into the wisdom and soulfulness that comes from embracing it all, both the light and the dark.

As we take the freefall into opening as Love, feeling wider than our individual self, it means feeling everything and everyone, not just the happy bits!

In relationships we want our partner or beloveds to be happy, and yet this can set up pressure for them to ‘get over it’, find a solution to stop the pain, end the suffering, rather than giving them the loving space to ‘be’, to feel, to experience it all. Often its our own discomfort we want to stop.

In the masculine/feminine interplay it can go two ways –  let’s take it as an exchange between a man and a woman, although the same interplay happens inside our own psyche and between masculine and feminine energies. The painful scenario is when the woman is feeling strong emotions and shame about that, met by the man who wants to find a solution and get her out of her emotions, which he sees as making her unhappy – if only she would take his advice! However she seems to prefer to ‘wallow in drama’ (his perception). His need for her to change increases her pain, confusion and shame.

A better scenario is for her to honour what she is feeling herself and allow it to settle and be fully felt, trusting her feminine essence, while the masculine brings his depth and wisdom to allow her to feel even more fully and be with what is. This supports her feelings to arise and pass, to flow, as is the nature of life – nothing gets stuck, solutions appear if necessary, the atmosphere becomes soulful and real, full of rich beauty and humanity. He too is then free to feel himself as needed. This improves the sexuality as this flow of feeling makes it rich and full.

Personally, my take on happiness is the ability to be so real and fully feeling in compassion and bright beauty that there is no resistance to whatever is appearing, even our resistance.

with love

Cynthia

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