Couples who come to the Living Love workshops do resolve many issues and problems in their intimate relationship. And beyond that the workshops take a couple into deeper, sacred connection, embodying their masculine and feminine essence. Then we see in relationship workshops that what goes wrong can come right.

Men and women come to the Living Love workshops for many reasons. They may have relationship issues to solve, intimacy skills to learn, curiosity (and frustrations) about their opposite.

Our habitual contractions and self-protections usually come from our past experiences, in childhood or in previous relationships. Perhaps we were abandoned or our trust was broken. This can lead to personal wounding, fears and doubts. These all restrict the flow of energy and love available for yourself and others. These patterns and protections sadly create what we fear. And this keeps us stuck in painful patterns and cycles that keeps spinning.

Feminine essence

Over the years of running workshops and doing couples counselling I have found differences in mens and womens issues. Those with a more feminine essence often are more likely to have protection and wariness from past hurts and deep disappointments in relationships. She always suffers from lack of love in relationship.

In the face of betrayal or not being loved fully they start to think they are ‘too much’ or ‘not good enough.’ Or they become overly critical of the masculine as a way to distance themselves and stay ‘safe’. They claim their partner is ‘not loving them enough’ or in the ‘right way’. They unconsciously believe that by withdrawing, not being vulnerable, or numbing their feelings, they will be safer. Actually in the context of love and intimacy vulnerability is a primary energy that draws the masculine into relationship.

Masculine essence

Those with a more masculine essence can be wary of commitment, concerned about the lack of freedom in relationship. They may not yet be connected to the authentic depth of freedom and awareness inside themselves. Or they are not mature enough to have realised the freedom that comes from deep commitment and integrity, and chosen responsibility. They can be lacking confidence about their masculine energy. And wondering how to find love and support from a great woman. Or by becoming lost in the feminine, lost in their own doubt, they can become less trustable. Even becoming a ‘pleaser’ disconnected from his own core. He can even become rejecting and dismissive, withdrawing, as a means of protection. And yet he has a deep need to be loved by the feminine.

How it comes right

In the Living Love workshops the ways in which these issues. and others, are resolved is different for each person. And yet there are threads of understanding that are similar. When the feminine connects to and values her own love, feelings, intuition and her power, then she relates to the masculine in a very different way. She is sitting confidently in herself, allowing her flow of feelings and her vulnerability. Anger and tears and deep yearning may be expressed. She transforms in the workshops when she is received and heard by the masculine.

For many women to be loved and accepted by the masculine as she is is very healing. Safe to be in her feminine essence, vulnerable, alive, powerful, fiercely loving. And as she experiences the masculine meeting her, encouraging her, she expresses more of who she really is. She trusts herself and her love flows freely again.

For the masculine in the Living Love workshops he experiences the inherent freedom in his being. And how to deepen into that within commitment and responsibility. He meets the trustable masculine in himself and the other men. And so he gets a truer reflection of the nobility and power of masculine essence. From there he is able to be present more fully for the feminine, for whatever she is feeling or thinking, without losing his own centre or taking it personally. This is what she yearns for and what brings out her devotional heart.

For him here is also the relief and delight of meeting the loving feminine heart. He is directly enlivened by her open feminine energy. Loving feedback from her gives him the right amount of challenge and direction to adjust and deepen himself. He becomes more trustable and starts getting different responses from the feminine. He experiences polarity with the feminine that is wild and free, with deep integrity.

Balance of safety and risk

The practices, talks and sharings in the workshops are layered to allow his and her core essence to be strengthened, and for the centre of an issue to reveal itself. A skilful balance of safety and risk creates real transformation, more love and deeper connection, more playfulness too. Problems are approached with creativity and heart to reveal a couples true love and intimacy.

with love

Cynthia

The post Relationship Workshops – What Goes Wrong Can Come Right appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Have you ever noticed a voice in your head shaping how you see yourself and your relationships? Or perhaps you can hear it when you talk to other people about your relationship – or lack of one. It’s often clearer when listening to others talk about theirs, we can hear the underlying story. We may point the blame at others but underneath we often need to start rewriting the love stories we tell ourselves.

Thoughts like, “My husband left me – that proves I am not a lovable person” or “I can’t make it work with my wife – I must be a failure.” Or “I only attract players, polys and psychos – what’s wrong with me?” are common examples of this inner dialogue.

Over the years, I’ve heard countless versions of these thoughts. And truly we all have the potential to think this way under the right circumstances. Changing these stories has a very positive impact on our life and relationships.

It is valuable to have a look to see whether you are contributing to a problem or even creating one. But often these unhelpful stories come from unconscious beliefs rather than the reality.

Take, for example – “I can’t make it work with my wife – I must be a failure.”  Or “not another failed relationship! – I’m hopeless.”

Are all relationships meant to last our whole lives? With a 50% divorce rate, I’d say not necessarily. While we may enter a relationship with strong and great intentions, people can grow apart and change over time. Divorce is never easy, but today it is an acceptable option, unlike fifty years ago.

My work is dedicated to helping people find more love and freedom and in nearly all cases that means deepening relationships and cultivating more love, intimacy and connection. But sometimes, the best path to living love is choosing to go your separate ways.

Is it a failure if we decide it’s best to stop trying, let go and move on? That depends how you define failure and success. “We had fifteen pretty good years together and are still great parents and friends.”  And that’s not just celebrity media speak, it is real for many divorced people. Could that be considered a success?

Perhaps you are someone who has the emotional intelligence to know when it’s time to give up. In fact, if you see the end of a relationship as a failure, you are more likely to hold on too long, producing unhealthy emotional and physical outcomes. Letting go of a failure story allows us to learn about our mistakes and do better next time.

Let’s take a look at the thought “My husband left me – I am not a lovable person.”  It is natural to feel let down, alone and grieving when a partner leaves you. But are we unlovable if a partner falls out of love with us?  Maybe they were not capable of loving you. Why give them the vote and let them define your worth?

Both women and men can fall into this type of thinking, and it can stall them for years on finding a new partner who does truly love them. Often, these beliefs are rooted in childhood experiences of not being loved, or not unconditionally loved. So, our sense of self and self-worth becomes based on other people’s opinions rather than out inner knowing.

The truth is people leave relationships that no longer feel right for them.  When we know our own worth regardless, we open the door for a relationship that is more loving. We can trust because, while we may get hurt, we are intact.

I often hear people tell themselves stories about relationships like “Our love languages don’t match” or “I have an insecure attachment style, so I’m always anxious.”

Mutual give and take must flow in a relationship. Yet many people now expect to have their ‘love languages’ catered to as a requirement of a successful relationship. Far less often do I hear people ask how they can give more of what their partner needs and want. As a conversation about what makes each person feel loved, love languages can be very helpful, but as a demand not so much.

And what about attachment styles?  “I have an insecure attachment style, so I’m always anxious.” Our attachment style can shift – anxious one day, avoidant the next, or varying between relationships. The push and pull between merging and individuation is part of what most good relationships are navigating. While knowing attachment styles can be very helpful at understanding behaviours, and adjusting them, we must make sure it’s not a story that leads to rigid labelling of self or others. Beliefs should free us to love more, if it does that then we can embrace it.

Another common story is “We argue a lot and that’s not ok.”  But who says arguing is always bad?  Studies show that couples who argue tend to stay together longer and report being happier than those who avoid conflict. What’s much more damaging is holding onto resentments, grudges and withholding emotionally.

Then there’s, “I only attract players, polys and psychos – what’s wrong with me?” A single person who is loving and radiant, very aware and present will have everyone attracted to them, both the genuine and the game players. While you can fine tune who is attracted to you, you can’t completely control it. Getting dubious messages online from strangers is not a reflection of your worth or mental health, but it can be an opportunity to practice discernment and boundaries.

Things happen in life and love and it’s how we see it that determines our emotional state, physical wellbeing and our future. What if you trusted that you are a good and loving person who makes mistakes, is human and doesn’t always act in the way you’d like to? This doesn’t make you unlovable, a failure or not capable of relationships. What if you are learning about life and love and bring that wisdom into your every day or your next step?

We don’t judge the person who takes a risk to love, or the risk of putting themselves out there, when we all know it can sometimes not work out. We applaud their courage and their willingness not to hide away in self-protection, but to be open to life and love.

Reflect for a moment what story do you tell yourself when things don’t go the way you’d like, when you lose love, or can’t find it? Is there a kinder, more enlightened view of yourself you can choose?

Getting reflections from others who really see us through the eyes of love is so helpful. It can break through these beliefs and negative stories very quickly. Seeing a therapist or coach will do this. And in workshops the group environment is very powerful, when your peers appreciate your true being you will take it in deeply. Rewriting the love stories we tell ourselves, now that is life-changing.

with love

Cynthia

The post Rewriting the Love Stories We Tell Ourselves appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

The post The critic that kills love appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Sexual healing can be transformational whether you are sexually partnered or going solo. For some people their sexuality is a free flow of pleasure and intimacy. Unfortunately, for many there are roadblocks, both physical and psychological. These blocks can have a big impact on our intimate relationships. Tantric love – sexual healing, they go together.

Sexuality is a very powerful biological urge for survival of the species. Our natural sexual expression can become diminished through trauma, abuse, anxiety, negative beliefs about self and misconceptions about sex. For some people it is the most fraught area of their lives and they suffer deeply.  Sometimes people just close that door altogether.

“all roadblocks and difficulties are potential doorways”

On the path of Tantric Love – Sexual healing, all roadblocks and difficulties are potential doorways to deeper awareness, love and freedom. Diving into them, rather than avoiding them, makes us vulnerable, which links us to our heart and begins the healing towards pleasure and intimacy.

Artwork by Ines Honfi
http://www.ineshonfi.com

Healing is a form of repair and enables us to move forward to create more of what we want. Firstly, sexual healing requires being fully present to the actual circumstances of one’s sexuality. Not the idealised version we may wish for or pretend, but the nitty gritty of your reality both past and now. In my experience healing can be like layers of an onion, where different circumstances and life stages bring up new issues requiring compassion, action and presence.

Over the years I have been introduced to sexual healing practices, and also beyond healing to creative sexual expression. Below I will share with you a few of these, and the most important way to sexually heal that I have discovered.

“Sacred Spot healing”

The ‘SACRED SPOT’ healing for the feminine is a practice I came across in Maui many years ago. This method presupposes that past sexual and emotional traumas are stored in a woman’s genitals especially the g-spot, and can be released by lovingly massaging and stimulating that area. Releasing her sexual energy to flow more freely through her body. The partner who is serving her in this healing needs to be fully present and allowing, holding eye contact continuously. This ritual practice can be done by a male or female partner, or an experienced, trusted sexual healer.

Sacred spot healing can release a lot of emotional pain and open the body to more ecstasy. However, it is a practice that requires clear boundaries, strong presence and trust. Not recommended if you are in any kind of disconnection with your partner.  Also it could be re-traumatising if there has been significant sexual abuse. Don’t push or pressure yourself, just a little experimentation is fine. Be happy with small results. This may not be for you, or it may be very freeing. You decide if this feels right for you.

If you want to try this on your own it can be done by finding a safe and private space, then stimulating your g-spot and allowing a free flow of feelings and associations to move through your body. As above, don’t push or pressure yourself, just a little experimentation is fine.

“you can heal past trauma”

PRESSING LOVE into wounds and closures. If you are blessed with a partner who is able to be fully and lovingly present for you, you can heal past trauma by acknowledging it, sharing about it and being witnessed in love.

Lying together intimately, speak about the wounding. Trust your own pace. If you shake and tremble, allow your body to move naturally while your partner holds a loving space. There is no rescuing or problem solving required.  In fact, being overly sympathetic will be detrimental. Rather be  present and let your partner express and move through the trauma in the new space of love.

This vulnerability can be erotic, so be prepared for the energy to shift in that direction…. or not.

If you are a feminine essence witnessing for a masculine essence it can affect your polarity . If this is the case, when it is complete, separate from each other and regain your natural polarity before meeting again sexually.

Pressing love also can be done alone by feeling and expressing what needs to be healed, with deep heartfelt compassion for yourself.

Seeing a trusted counsellor or coach can also help you bring love into past wounds, supporting your healing and moving forward.

“our sexuality changes as we go through stages of life“

ACCEPTANCE of sexual anxieties and dysfunctions. There are many things that can and do go wrong for people with their bodily sexual functioning. And for all of us, our sexuality changes as we go through stages of life.  Hormones change or we may have chronic health issues. Childbirth and parenting can have a dramatic affect on libido and sexuality. The older male body can have problems with impotence and sustaining erections. An ageing female body can experience vaginal dryness and painful lovemaking.  It can be difficult to adjust. In the past our life spans rarely exceeded our fertility and so the modern dilemma of being sexually active with ageing bodies is a newish phenomenon.

There are medical interventions and natural treatments that can help at these different stages of life and sexuality. It is good to research these possibilities, get trusted advice and do what works for you. However, many people experience shame and discomfort and avoid sharing about these issues with a partner, or even with a medical professional.

So first we need deep compassion and acceptance of our own bodies. The vulnerability that comes with these changes is a rich opportunity for sexual healing. As we honestly admit and accept where we are at, with all the loss of ego and identity that may involve, we come closer to that tender, revealed intimacy that we long for.

Naturally we then move forward to find solutions and other ways of enjoying sexual pleasure and connection. The whole body is an erogenous zone and polarity is the best aphrodisiac there is. Polarity is energetic and can be felt without even touching.

Some people change their sexual orientation and as well as the possible inner confusion, there is often angst at being accepted by others.

Acceptance and self-honesty give us the internal support and self-knowledge we need. This brings the confidence to share our fears with a partner. We are less dependent on their reaction and ready to explore new ways to open and feel.

“the most powerful sexual healing tool”

BEING PRESENT to whatever needs to be integrated is the most powerful sexual healing tool of them all. Each time we embrace and own something that is not ideal, is painful, stirs up past traumas, or is embarrassing, then our sexuality becomes richer and more Tantric. The concept of Tantric love – Sexual healing then has rich meaning for us.

Tantra involves embracing what is, with deep compassion and interest. The physical and the psychological. In this way we find the treasures that reveal themselves on the path of love and awareness. Radical self-honesty and compassion isn’t easy, and it can take an unknown length of time to move through the issues into the space beneath them. It may feel safer to just close down. And closing down is ok too, as then we embrace the closure.

And even when closed, we listen for the rustle of love on our skin and the whisper of passion in our ear. And we say yes.

“Solo healing practice for you”

SOLO HEALING PRACTICE for men and women:  If you would like to do this gentle practice – and feel safe to do so – gather some simple art materials or just writing materials, and find a completely private place and relax for a few moments.

Option 1: Place a hand on your genitals. Just take some time to connect to this part of your body. Take your breath there in a non-forced way, simply being present and compassionate towards yourself. Notice what arises. Memories, thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations. Accept whatever arises as completely valid. Then relax and stretch and return to the world around you. Using your art materials to express what has arisen-  draw, write, or both. Its not an art work, it’s a personal expression.

Option 2: If you have a history of sexual abuse that you haven’t worked through in therapy, I suggest you can sit in the same position as above, connect to your own heart,  and simply breathe love and compassion into your genitals for a few breaths. Accept whatever you feel as completely valid. Relax out of the position and stretch and return to the world around you. Repeat as feels right to you.

I trust my blog on Tantric love – Sexual healing has sparked inspiration for you.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

The post Tantric love – Sexual healing appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Here are 17 Ways to open thru fear and express love. They are here to dip into and they are truly transformational. Be gentle in your approach, try one at a time and see the results.

………………………

1. Praise three people for who they are. It’s worth the effort when you feel what happens in you and the other. Notice if any stinginess or embarrassment comes up and breathe through it.

2. Risk opening through your fear and express your love. There may be an impulse to offer love or presence, and then fear comes in and we pull back. Breathe, trust your higher self and act. Make a surprise for your beloved, do a kind act for a stranger, listen to a disturbed friend, let someone give to you, sing your heart out on the street, start that cool project. Endless possibilities arise. Big and small.

3. Live as if it was your last day alive and embrace what you most dislike or resist as part of existence. Why? because they are a trap limiting your creative power and fully given love gifts.

4. Nature is all around you. If you are in the city look for the wildness in the weeds that push through the pavements. It’s a force, as is the heart of the feminine. She is nature.

5. Notice who you being right now and shower yourself with compassion. Even if that’s a mean, cruel, bitchy self? Yes. The cringe away is the glue that holds it in place. Feel the cringe fully. Breathe. Feel who you are being, breathe, open to knowing this is not the true you. Feel remorse, make amends, breathe.

6. Revel in this raw, gritty and imperfect life. It’s what we’ve got. Plunge your hands into the earth, raise a sweat on your body, laugh or cry loudly. Welcome your failures and wounds as part of this messy human realm. In the words of Leonard Cohen  ‘There is a crack in everything, That’s how the light gets in’.

7. Take time to enjoy a subtle pleasure and let it expand your mind. Pleasure is a good thing when fully savoured and experienced. Our mind is expanded by sensuality, becomes more open to feeling, sensing and intuiting. Savour the pleasure with your breathing and experience it fully in your body.

8. Don’t just smell the roses, become them. Enter their existence, bloom open as the fragrant flower. Fly with the bird, sense the wind on your wings. Look through the eyes of the person near you, what do they see?

9. Risk speaking your truth to serve Love. Authenticity gives another person a way to be intimate with you. Honesty for it’s own sake can be an egoic need, and actually be harmful to others. ‘Confession’ is a delicious revealing of vulnerability.

10. Breathe fully and expand your sense of self to include the whole of your environment, in your heart. This may be the room you are in, the house, the field, the town or city, the country, the world, the universe. Events are occurring in you.

11. Listen to and act on Love’s wisdom, the fruit of your deepest life experience. Wisdom is the combination of knowing and acting, so to be wise we must give our deepest feminine and masculine wisdom gifts, from the essence of Love & Freedom. If you hold back on this, why?

12. Give someone the gift of your love. We are all precious. Beloved, friend, stranger. When least expected, to be the recipient of someone’s kind and loving attention is transformative. People report that one encounter with a loving human being changed their life. They knew in that moment that life was essentially good. That could be you.

13. Look into what you put into the space between yourself and another – is it judgements, criticism and fear? Or love, appreciation and curiosity? We are mostly unaware of the invisible barriers we put up and wonder why we don’t feel loved, respected, trusted, honoured. Feel into the space in and all around your physical body, breathe slowly, and let this ‘wall’ soften and relax. See who is really on the other side of this wall, feel their aliveness.

14. To choose love over fear reveal your soft inner self to another – it inspires them to do the same and opens up a warm fertile space between you.

15. Explore what happens if you let go of expectations and magnify love instead. Expectations set a limit to what can be experienced instead of the spacious embrace of being fully with, breathing into and opening our hearts to what is. This can feel painful initially, like we are letting go of our true needs but it actually brings the opposite. Expectations are not the same as trusting our hearts desire.

16. If you have been overdoing it in your life, try less ‘doing’ and more ‘being‘. Meditation, heart connection, or sensual joy and pleasure – what do you need to feel more alive?

17. Dedicate any challenging activity or spiritual practice (sadhana) to someone who needs love and support in their life. We can increase the amount of love in the world.

…………………………..

Remember these 17 Ways to open thru fear and express love are here to dip into – they can last a day, and a lifetime.  Share this with your partner or a friend.

Enjoy.

With love

Cynthia

The post 17 Ways to open thru fear and express love appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.