Sacred sexuality is a different approach to lovemaking . Comparing it to ordinary sex is like comparing junk food with gourmet. But many of us are not shown the path to sacred sex, or we think it’s not for ordinary relationships. We can make it more complicated than it needs to be.

Sacred sex, or tantric sex, is a deeply connected, relaxed, and beautiful experience. Imagine embracing the waves of sexual energy – both the highs and the lows – enjoying the “valleys” that ebb and flow instead of focusing solely on building up and up to the “peaks” of orgasm, ejaculation and release. This approach nurtures deep connection, more pleasure and brings joy and energy into everyday life.

Non-goal-oriented sex offers an antidote to the unrealistic expectations fostered by society’s performance-driven intimacy. By being present, sensitive to touch, and open to love, sacred sexuality deepens the bond with a partner. It also invites you to ride the waves of divine energy and immerse yourself in the present moment.

On the sacred sex journey you may experience multiple or whole-body orgasms, explore fantasies and kinks, and express a range of energies, from gentle and sweet to ravishing and wild. You can sense the divine in this form of lovemaking, and it deeply improves intimate relationships. Connection is the central most important thing in sacred sexuality.

In my research and experience, sex and love can bring up strong feelings and experiences. Not all are pleasurable, and old wounds and insecurities can arise. Sacred sexuality integrates all aspects of being—love and presence, emotions, sensations and vulnerabilities. By slowing down, being authentic, breathing deeply, and taking time, we can experience tremendous pleasure, heal some past traumas, and create deep, meaningful connection. Sacred union also allows the natural polarity of masculine and feminine energies to express themselves organically.

The Path to Having Sacred Sex: Solo or Partnered

1. Set Aside Time: Make intentional time for lovemaking without distractions. Even if it’s once a week it will make a difference. Gourmet sex, like a gourmet meal, takes time to savour and enjoy. Also, she generally needs more time than him to get fully aroused.
2. Create a Sacred Space: Design a beautiful, simple, sensual, private and erotic environment. Or just light a scented candle and turn off your phones if that’s all you have time to do.
3. Eye gazing: During lovemaking softly maintain eye contact to dissolve the sense of separateness. Come back to it again and again.
4. Breathe Deeply: Take some full, deep breaths occasionally to anchor yourself in the moment and spread the erotic energy through your whole body not just focused in erotic zones.
5. Synchronize Breathing: If partnered, gently match your breath with your partner’s and feel the oneness.
6. Heart Connection: Place your right hand on your partner’s heart centre and your left hand on your belly. If solo, place your hands on your own belly and heart. Breathe fully and deeply.
7. Go Slow: Don’t be in a rush to take it anywhere, rather let the bodies have their own wisdom. Let the energy guide you. Move slowly, then allow the passion to flow naturally. Pause often to stay connected to yourself, your partner, and the divine current.
8. Feelings: Welcome feelings and emotions as part of the experience, you don’t have to understand or solve them, let them be there and breathe, relax and they will move through you, opening the door to deeper pleasure and closeness.
9. Feedback and debrief: It’s ok to gently talk or journal about your experiences – keep it to “I” statements, they are easier to hear. We can all improve.

The Polarity of Masculine and Feminine Energies
Sacred sexuality embraces the polarity of masculine and feminine energies. The union of Presence and Love is a natural and exquisite experience.

The magnetism is expressed in many ways and this is an overview: the masculine sex centre is a positive pole (penetrative), while the feminine sex centre is a negative pole (receptive). The feminine heart centre is a positive pole (penetrative) and the masculine heart centre is a negative pole (receptive). This creates a circuit of energy.

For example, a loving and penetrative penis can awaken the feminine sexuality and send energy upward into her heart. Her awakened heart, in turn, energizes the masculine heart, completing the circuit by sending energy back to his sex centre. When both partners are attuned, this flow occurs naturally and profoundly. He enters sacred sexuality through the sex centre and she enters it through he heart.

This is why expecting the masculine to only be in the heart centre or Love, or the feminine to only be in the sex centre or Sex doesn’t work.

Reflection and Integrity
Reflect for yourself: What excites you about sacred sexuality? What fears or hesitations do you have?

As you deepen your practice of sacred sexuality, your personal power grows. It is essential to pair this growth with integrity, using these energies wisely and always in service of love.

Sacred sexuality is a journey toward profound transformation. You may need help to move in this direction, don’t be afraid to reach out to attend a workshop or do sessions.

Love

Cynthia

The post The Path to Sacred Sex appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Early on in my adult life I experienced some slow, sacred lovemaking, without knowing or defining it as sacred sexuality or tantra. I just felt that I entered into a transcendental energy. Years later it was spiritual teacher Osho that introduced me to the concept of tantra as an ancient philosophy and a spiritual path, the essence of which can be found in the Hindu religion, also in Tibetan Buddhism, and Taoism.

Originating around the 6th century, one core aspect of tantric philosophy is non-dualism, or the idea that everything is divine. Unlike many traditional religions or renunciate paths, tantra teaches that body and spirit are not separate. That the everyday world is not separate from the divine, but rather full of light. It is a life positive philosophy which encourages us to embrace everything and live life totally. This way the ecstatic reality of life reveals itself.

The body thus becomes a temple and a vehicle for transformation. Breath, yoga, diet, meditation, rituals and sexuality are part of traditional tantric spiritual practice, when done with the right intention.

Tantra is also generally about transformation in an all-inclusive way. Unknown to me I was already on this path.  Even when I struggled with fears or self-doubt, I had an intrinsic knowing that the divine was in all things. I couldn’t always unlock the code, but I had a yes to my direct experience. And that included sexuality.

 ……………

Sexual energy is procreation – fertility creates life. In some ancient cultures sexuality was revered as sacred for this reason alone.

Sexual energy is recreation – it potentially creates pleasure, satisfaction, and connection. A level of fulfilment can be gained.

Sexual energy is elevation – it potentially creates sacred union and enlightenment. A spirituality grounded in the body, not detached, but embodied. Sex as prayer, worship, oneness with the divine, with spirit. Tantric devotees believe sex can open doors to a state of enlightenment. If that is what one is seeking.

……………

My friend Ken and I went to art school together in Melbourne and shared an interest in conceptual art and Tibetan Buddhism. One day Ken gave me a book he had just read on tantra, and he loved it. It was ‘Only One Sky’ by Osho.

Starting the book late one afternoon, I stayed awake all night reading it. I felt I was receiving a direct transmission of truth through the book into my body. My awareness expanded and the idea of a deep celebration of life entered me.

I could feel a softer energy in my heart too. This awakening led me down a path of many years of devotion, relationships, and spiritual exploration. My partner and I were following Osho, and among other things attempting to let go of our sexual repressions. It didn’t mean we had an easy relationship all the time, but it was alive and rich.

Later we were also introduced to the teachings of an Australian spiritual guru, Barry Long. His approach to making love recommended non-orgasmic sex, with little or no foreplay, no imagination or emotions! The main sexual activity would be the penetration of a loving penis into a receptive vagina. According to Barry this would bring much needed masculine, noble love into the woman, and she would be healed from past sexual trauma with unconscious men, and release her love.

To me, Barry Long’s teachings on sexual union were fascinating, but they also seemed repressive, over the top,  and not inclusive of other sexual preferences. But I also felt that he was pointing to something deep in the sexual union. Our love making this way slowed everything down and allowed me to feel the valleys of sexuality, the waves of energy that ebb and flow. It brought deeper connection and more energy for our every day life. I would later move away from this type of tantra, but then it was helpful medicine.

In the West we have had several decades of neo-tantra which focuses mainly on the sexual aspect of tantra.* I was fortunate to meet the pioneers of neo-tantra in the early 90’s while producing and directing the movie Sacred Sex. This was exciting and eye-opening as they came from different backgrounds, from Osho disciples to an ex-porn star to traditional Indian tantrikas. I learnt a lot.

Meeting David Deida in the late 90’s expanded me personally and broadened my ideas of what could be included in relationship and sacred sexuality. There was a sense of coming home again. Coming home to my feminine essence, to being the love light, and living it in relation to the masculine. And the knowing that sacred sexuality can include foreplay, orgasms, kinks, and the expression of different energies from gentle to ravishing. Deida is a brilliant author and teacher and again I had an opportunity to further absorb his wisdom through making the video Sex Spirit Love.

My own experience over the years is that sacred sexuality is about integration of all that is, all that arises. Sex and love can bring up strong feelings and experiences. By taking time, slowing down, being vulnerable and authentic, breathing fully, we can integrate past traumas and negative experiences, and connect deeply with the other. And the natural polarity of masculine and feminine expresses itself in sacred union.

Today the idea of non-goal orientated sex is an antidote to the false expectations of pornography and performance sex. Being mindful in the moment, sensitive to touch, open to love, enjoying a deeper connection with your lover. Riding the waves of the divine current.

Sacred sexuality – solo or partnered – helpful beginnings

1.     Make time for lovemaking
2.     Create a sacred space – beautiful, simple, sensual, private, erotic
3.     Breath fully and deeply
4.     Synchronise your breath with your partner if you are with one and have prolonged eye contact – dissolve the separate selves
5.     Place your right hand on the others heart center, left hand on your own belly. Hands on your own belly and heart if solo. Breathe fully
6.     Deep slow kissing and whole body touching of yourself or the other if partnered
7.     Go slow with the love making until the energy moves you to go faster. Slow down often, staying closely connected to self, the other and the current of the universe. Let your passion flow.

Polarity of Masculine and Feminine in sacred sexuality

One aspect of polarity is that the Masculine sex centre and feminine heart centre are both positive poles (penetrative). Her sex centre and his heart centre are negative poles (receptive). This can create a circuit of energy between a couple. He can awaken her sexuality with a loving, penetrative penis, sending this energy up into her heart. Then she she can awaken his heart further with her loving heart. This energy then drops into his sex centre. And the circuit continues.

If we go quiet enough when connected, you can notice this is a natural flow.

Reflect for yourself – what scares you about sacred sexuality?  And what excites you?

Love

Cynthia
*When we practise sacred sexuality our personal power increases, and it is essential that our integrity increases too. We need to use these energies wisely and for the sake of love. 

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Are you a romantic or tantric lover? Or both?

Romantic love was an invention of courtly England in the 16^th century when knights used it to woo the unattainable princess. It was an ideal of unrequited love that sparked minstrel serenades full of longing for the fair beloved, romantic poems and the code of chivalry.

Today romance is often used to woo the desired other in the beginning courtship phase of a relationship . For the primal masculine he is ‘hunting’ and wants to make her ‘his’. Romance is a necessary endeavor to reach this goal.

But if you have been married or in a long relationship you learn that once the honeymoon romantic phase is over, usually in six to eighteen months, the romance drops off.

I remember feeling a little shocked but getting it when a male client once admitted, a little sheepishly, why he had quit with the flowers and the special dinners. He has got her now, he burst out with. They were married and had children together, the job is done, so why keep up the hard work of romance? I thought about his wife and her desperate longing for romantic appreciation. The job wasn’t done. Now how to get him to see that?

The feminine essence tends to enjoy romance more than the masculine essence. Being made to feel special, adored and valued by words and actions of love allows her to surrender into her feminine essence, to flow freely, to be more sure of herself. It kind of tickles a part of the feminine that gives her life a little more shine.

It can also be a reset button on her love. She opens her heart and remembers why she chose him as her partner. And it is a win-win as he is gratified to see her radiance blooming open when she sees the flowers in the bath, when she receives his little gifts, enjoys the date night he organises. (Hint – don’t get in the bath with her unless invited.)

However, many men in relationships tell me that when they try to be romantic, their partner resists or criticises his attempts. Her heart is closed to him. This is sometimes because she is caught up in the dis-attraction that happens after the honeymoon phase. Or she sees his romancing as really foreplay to get sex, rather than purely for love of her. He, on the other hand is wondering why they don’t have sex anymore, and is really frustrated and longing for intimacy. And for the masculine essence, sexual intimacy is often his way towards deeper love.

The key for him is to persist with his romantic offerings without an agenda for sex. Most likely, over time, she will trust him and open her heart again to enjoying romantic moments with him. This flows into the whole relationship, including sexual connection. For her, a key is to not get addicted to romance and see it as essential to her love. As a woman recently told me, it took her a while to realise that mending her window latches was how her husband showed his romantic interest.

Romantic offerings to the masculine essence is not about the flowers, the shine or the bubbles. He does likes to be made to feel special and reminded of your love. He will appreciate words or notes of gratitude showing how you feel about what he does for you, giving him a gift of an experience that matches his interests, offering physical affection like holding hands in public, a foot massage, dressing up in clothes he loves to see you in, romantic sex.

Going deeper

Importantly, let’s not mistake romance for love, passion and trust. After the romantic honeymoon phase of a relationship is over, then it really is about going deeper into love and evolving together.  And in fact, often many of the things we find adorable in the honeymoon phase, are now the traits we find most irritating, or even repulsive. His silence was so profound, but now it is boring. Her wild laughter was exciting and now it seems deranged. The cute habit he has of snuffling in his sleep, now it is a sign of self-neglect and almost grounds for divorce.

There are many relationships that end when the honeymoon is over and people go looking for the next romantic infatuation. Instead of leaving, in nearly all cases, the end of the honeymoon phase is a good time to stay, to work through the limitations and conflicts to drop into a deeper layer of connection, sexuality and intimacy. Occasionally it reveals an incompatible relationship and should end, but usually it’s the opportunity to move from romantic love to tantric love.

Tantric love includes all kinds of unromantic bodily functions and harsher realities. The underbelly of romance is shame. In the courtly romantic mode is the concept of woman as pure, perfect, untainted, delicate, unreachable. And the man is cast in the role of rejected suitor.

In my experience working with women from many cultures, there is a tendency for women to feel shame, even disgust, about their bodies. Factually, women bleed and discharge from their vaginas, leak milk from breasts when feeding babies, excrete urine and faeces, get wet with arousal and some women ejaculate large amounts of fluid during sex. It is very ‘unromantic’.

Have you ever noticed that when you make love fully all these things seem less important? If you are revelling in desire, you care little about bodily fluids, in fact it can be erotic to slip and slide and sweat. Because we are moving beyond the layers of indoctrinated shame, the romantic ideal of untaintedness.

Tantra embraces it all. An American man I met many years ago in India, told me a story of one of his unforgettable initiations with a tantric master. The guru lectured him on the absolute honouring of the divine feminine shakti and he lapped it all up. He felt his adoration growing daily for his partner, who was with him. After he had performed many pujas, chanted and prayed, he was presented with a plate, decorated with flowers. In the middle of the plate was her faeces, ready for him to eat. To prove his embrace of all of Her. India of course was rife with parasites and bacteria harmful to foreigners. He told me he did the ritual….

Luckily, we don’t have to do that, but it can feel very distasteful to embrace the shadows in relationship, to let it all burn in the fire of love. It is when it feels most unromantic that a deeper fire can burn, that sweeps away separation and protections, allowing authentic vulnerabilities to emerge. Opening our hearts much wider than our irritations and preferences.

A couple can start by bringing their bodies together, lying or sitting, front to front, relaxing and breathing together, naked is best but clothed is fine. Looking into each others eyes, going beyond the day to day. This opens the energy between them. It allows the natural flow of masculine and feminine polarity to emerge. The divine energy can start to come through.

You do not need to feel romantic or even loving to do this. It is a commitment to love, trusting in the other and in the divine, willing to let go of separation and choosing oneness.  There are other tantric practices and this simple one is a very good start. “One love in the two-bodied form”, as it has been called.

Choose with awareness and trust your heart

Do you need more romantic or tantric loving? Do you need romance to lighten up and make things sparkle and open between you, or in your own life? Or is it time for more tantric practices, more about opening to the deeper love, the recognition of the divine in the other. Both have their time and place. It is up to us to sense what’s needed to create more love and presence, to experiment and to take a risk. Once we have the tools and skills this is easier of course.

If you are in a couple there may be obstacles, history, fears to overcome. If you are solo, there may be beliefs or fears stopping you opening and deepening in your own life.

Have you got lost in the lip gloss of life?  Or are you, whether single of partnered, ready to dive deeper into the mysteries of divine intimacy and love?

with love

Cynthia

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Losing Myself to Find Myself

In my youth I had a natural radiance and embodied vitality. I call it the ‘free radiance’ of young women. In my reproductive years I was in my feminine prime; strong, free, sexually alive. As I traversed fifty and beyond, the hormonal wheels slowed down and the fertility cycle eventually ended. I, and many female friends and clients, faced an emotional and physical challenge and an identity shake-up; a reshaping of how I see myself. I had to let go of old identities and embrace new, fresh perspectives. To find the true essence of sexual maturity.

As fertility declines the body changes, especially for women, and that affects our sexuality to different degrees. It is almost impossible to be prepared for that. Fortunately, these changes happen gradually and we have time to integrate and adjust. I found that the youth focus of our culture and the lack of dissemination of elders’ sacred wisdom can have a debilitating effect on sex, intimacy and love over fifty.

New Vigour and Creativity Emerges

I wanted to lean into my spiritual experiences, to the collective wisdom and also listen to my body so that I could embrace this transition as a sacred doorway to greater spirituality and fulfillment. As I climbed ‘over the hill’, I contemplated that I was entering the fertile ‘valley’ of tantric spirituality.

Over a few years this change does settle down and a new vigour and creativity emerges. I was even relieved at being free of the hormonal ‘drama’, clearer about my own needs and boundaries. And more powerful. Some women report having less interest in sex, for others it is the opposite. Or the desire to have a different type of sex and intimacy.

Cultivate Your Spiritual Foundation – Know Thyself

That is when my lifelong habits and spiritual practices came to the fore. I was fortunate to have a background in personal growth and Tantra and while the menopause years were not easy, I knew and had practiced for many years shining love through my body. To the best of my ability. My years studying the work of David Deida, sexuality author and teacher, plus other guides and mentors, taught me that our ability to be radiant love and deeply present are not dependant on any idea of perfection.

Image: Timur Romanov on Unsplash

However, in the realms of love, sex and intimacy as doorways to the divine, we benefit from embodied daily practice when younger. I didn’t really understand that until later. Initially, I was attracted to this opening into the divine, and in my usual style, dived straight in. It has not always been an easy path to follow. Now I may not be as radiant or wrinkle free as the younger me, but I can be wiser, kinder and sexier – more tantric in my approach to life and love.

As a woman with a predominantly feminine essence, the practice is to flow, breathe fully, open my body, let go and locate love. Whatever our gender, we all have both feminine and masculine aspects. For the masculine, the practice is to become more fully present, free and deeply aware, through the whole body.

I discovered that while men over fifty do not have the same decline in fertility as women, they do have a gradual decline of testosterone and can experience less sexual desire and ability. Together with the changes that women are having, this can affect sexuality, intimacy and relationships. Sexuality is fundamental to the sacred union of masculine and feminine, but over fifty years of age and beyond, it may not look like sex as we once knew it.

For men and women there can be physical issues that might need medical support and guidance. There are treatments, hormones, creams and pills etc. to assist older people in maintaining a healthy and connected sex drive. And the good news is that aging also pushes us into a natural flow of slower, more spiritual sexuality and deeper connection.

Psychologically, letting go of self-judgment is also challenging as our bodies can feel like they have ‘betrayed’ us. They haven’t, but they are naturally changing. However, our ability to slow down, breathe and be more fully in our bodies can actually increase with age. We are more likely to have the time and the inclination to ‘drop in’, to let go.

The Tango – The Dance of Synchronicity

This general change in men brings them more in sync with women. And women have long been available for prolonged foreplay and slower, more varied love making. As we come off the sexual ‘peak’ we are able to explore more the heart connection and the sexual subtleties of the ‘valley’. The next stage of tango can begin.

If we are able to take the performance pressure off our sexuality it can lead to longer, more relaxed love making sessions. And, if necessary, more ‘outercourse’ than intercourse. The usual paradigm of foreplay, arousal, penetration and orgasm may be off the menu for some, which hopefully leads to exploring new territory. Whole body massage and arousal, a sense of playfulness, slowing down and being in the moment. If we don’t focus on the way it used to be, we can be open to how it can be Now.

As he ages, the masculine can find himself discovering more of his feminine side, not needing to lead and direct so often. The feminine can also find herself post menopause in a more direct and focused energy. We have both feminine and masculine energies, but most people identify more with one or the other. The feminine essence in any gender is motivated by the flow of love and feelings, relationships, connection, community. The masculine essence is drawn to mission and purpose, directing the flow of energy, free from emotions. The predominance of one or the other can change as we go through different stages of our lives, but especially as we get older and our hormones change.

This can be a good time for the masculine to relax and sink deeper, letting go of some of the ‘doing’ and move more into ‘being’. At the same time for a woman it can be a very empowering time. Free of her hormonal cycle she can create what she wants and enjoy her life and sexuality with abandon.

For me, connection is the ultimate key to sexuality, love and intimacy. This intimate communion is deepened by embracing any limitations and changes each person is going through. It requires a flexibility and self-acceptance that develops over time. There is no quick answer, but it is helpful to know that many are in the same boat. And there are new ways of being together that will surprise you with their intensity and joy. Finally, we can focus on what is really important – being as one, the divine union and the aliveness of spirit in the body.

Peaks and Valleys

We have tended to see the ‘peak’ as the ultimate goal, the desirable summit, full of adrenaline and discovery. But for myself as I grow older, there are still some peaks of course, but the treasures and the pleasures of the valley are more enticing.

I have been partnered and single in these years over fifty. And in both circumstances, I found it essential to keep my sexual energy alive and my heart open. The tools we can all use are varied and include emotional intelligence, movement, meditation, healthy lifestyle, self-pleasuring, deepening into your masculine and feminine essence, breath work, pelvic opening and self-inquiry.

I had to find courage to be honest about my own changes and needs. Being willing to find the loving way through, without giving up, develops closeness and resilience in relationships.  The rewards, if we push through that barrier, can be astounding; the intimate sharing and revelation of our vulnerabilities can unlock our hidden sacred depths. In the valley we find ourselves, each other and the pure union of togetherness and oneness.

I trust this article will support you in discovering the true essence of sexual maturity for you.

love

Cynthia

First published on Uplift Connect: https://upliftconnect.com/the-true-essence-of-sexual-maturity/

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Sexual healing can be transformational whether you are sexually partnered or going solo. For some people their sexuality is a free flow of pleasure and intimacy. Unfortunately, for many there are roadblocks, both physical and psychological. These blocks can have a big impact on our intimate relationships. Tantric love – sexual healing, they go together.

Sexuality is a very powerful biological urge for survival of the species. Our natural sexual expression can become diminished through trauma, abuse, anxiety, negative beliefs about self and misconceptions about sex. For some people it is the most fraught area of their lives and they suffer deeply.  Sometimes people just close that door altogether.

“all roadblocks and difficulties are potential doorways”

On the path of Tantric Love – Sexual healing, all roadblocks and difficulties are potential doorways to deeper awareness, love and freedom. Diving into them, rather than avoiding them, makes us vulnerable, which links us to our heart and begins the healing towards pleasure and intimacy.

Artwork by Ines Honfi
http://www.ineshonfi.com

Healing is a form of repair and enables us to move forward to create more of what we want. Firstly, sexual healing requires being fully present to the actual circumstances of one’s sexuality. Not the idealised version we may wish for or pretend, but the nitty gritty of your reality both past and now. In my experience healing can be like layers of an onion, where different circumstances and life stages bring up new issues requiring compassion, action and presence.

Over the years I have been introduced to sexual healing practices, and also beyond healing to creative sexual expression. Below I will share with you a few of these, and the most important way to sexually heal that I have discovered.

“Sacred Spot healing”

The ‘SACRED SPOT’ healing for the feminine is a practice I came across in Maui many years ago. This method presupposes that past sexual and emotional traumas are stored in a woman’s genitals especially the g-spot, and can be released by lovingly massaging and stimulating that area. Releasing her sexual energy to flow more freely through her body. The partner who is serving her in this healing needs to be fully present and allowing, holding eye contact continuously. This ritual practice can be done by a male or female partner, or an experienced, trusted sexual healer.

Sacred spot healing can release a lot of emotional pain and open the body to more ecstasy. However, it is a practice that requires clear boundaries, strong presence and trust. Not recommended if you are in any kind of disconnection with your partner.  Also it could be re-traumatising if there has been significant sexual abuse. Don’t push or pressure yourself, just a little experimentation is fine. Be happy with small results. This may not be for you, or it may be very freeing. You decide if this feels right for you.

If you want to try this on your own it can be done by finding a safe and private space, then stimulating your g-spot and allowing a free flow of feelings and associations to move through your body. As above, don’t push or pressure yourself, just a little experimentation is fine.

“you can heal past trauma”

PRESSING LOVE into wounds and closures. If you are blessed with a partner who is able to be fully and lovingly present for you, you can heal past trauma by acknowledging it, sharing about it and being witnessed in love.

Lying together intimately, speak about the wounding. Trust your own pace. If you shake and tremble, allow your body to move naturally while your partner holds a loving space. There is no rescuing or problem solving required.  In fact, being overly sympathetic will be detrimental. Rather be  present and let your partner express and move through the trauma in the new space of love.

This vulnerability can be erotic, so be prepared for the energy to shift in that direction…. or not.

If you are a feminine essence witnessing for a masculine essence it can affect your polarity . If this is the case, when it is complete, separate from each other and regain your natural polarity before meeting again sexually.

Pressing love also can be done alone by feeling and expressing what needs to be healed, with deep heartfelt compassion for yourself.

Seeing a trusted counsellor or coach can also help you bring love into past wounds, supporting your healing and moving forward.

“our sexuality changes as we go through stages of life“

ACCEPTANCE of sexual anxieties and dysfunctions. There are many things that can and do go wrong for people with their bodily sexual functioning. And for all of us, our sexuality changes as we go through stages of life.  Hormones change or we may have chronic health issues. Childbirth and parenting can have a dramatic affect on libido and sexuality. The older male body can have problems with impotence and sustaining erections. An ageing female body can experience vaginal dryness and painful lovemaking.  It can be difficult to adjust. In the past our life spans rarely exceeded our fertility and so the modern dilemma of being sexually active with ageing bodies is a newish phenomenon.

There are medical interventions and natural treatments that can help at these different stages of life and sexuality. It is good to research these possibilities, get trusted advice and do what works for you. However, many people experience shame and discomfort and avoid sharing about these issues with a partner, or even with a medical professional.

So first we need deep compassion and acceptance of our own bodies. The vulnerability that comes with these changes is a rich opportunity for sexual healing. As we honestly admit and accept where we are at, with all the loss of ego and identity that may involve, we come closer to that tender, revealed intimacy that we long for.

Naturally we then move forward to find solutions and other ways of enjoying sexual pleasure and connection. The whole body is an erogenous zone and polarity is the best aphrodisiac there is. Polarity is energetic and can be felt without even touching.

Some people change their sexual orientation and as well as the possible inner confusion, there is often angst at being accepted by others.

Acceptance and self-honesty give us the internal support and self-knowledge we need. This brings the confidence to share our fears with a partner. We are less dependent on their reaction and ready to explore new ways to open and feel.

“the most powerful sexual healing tool”

BEING PRESENT to whatever needs to be integrated is the most powerful sexual healing tool of them all. Each time we embrace and own something that is not ideal, is painful, stirs up past traumas, or is embarrassing, then our sexuality becomes richer and more Tantric. The concept of Tantric love – Sexual healing then has rich meaning for us.

Tantra involves embracing what is, with deep compassion and interest. The physical and the psychological. In this way we find the treasures that reveal themselves on the path of love and awareness. Radical self-honesty and compassion isn’t easy, and it can take an unknown length of time to move through the issues into the space beneath them. It may feel safer to just close down. And closing down is ok too, as then we embrace the closure.

And even when closed, we listen for the rustle of love on our skin and the whisper of passion in our ear. And we say yes.

“Solo healing practice for you”

SOLO HEALING PRACTICE for men and women:  If you would like to do this gentle practice – and feel safe to do so – gather some simple art materials or just writing materials, and find a completely private place and relax for a few moments.

Option 1: Place a hand on your genitals. Just take some time to connect to this part of your body. Take your breath there in a non-forced way, simply being present and compassionate towards yourself. Notice what arises. Memories, thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations. Accept whatever arises as completely valid. Then relax and stretch and return to the world around you. Using your art materials to express what has arisen-  draw, write, or both. Its not an art work, it’s a personal expression.

Option 2: If you have a history of sexual abuse that you haven’t worked through in therapy, I suggest you can sit in the same position as above, connect to your own heart,  and simply breathe love and compassion into your genitals for a few breaths. Accept whatever you feel as completely valid. Relax out of the position and stretch and return to the world around you. Repeat as feels right to you.

I trust my blog on Tantric love – Sexual healing has sparked inspiration for you.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

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Once you understand the basic nature of masculine and feminine essences and polarity, it is much easier to activate sexual passion and sexual polarity now.  In 30 seconds, or a little longer, you can activate your own sexual essence, alone or with a partner. This is how to amplify your essence when you only have a few minutes to do so.

Solo – for Him – sexual polarity now

* set a courageous intention for your day and take one action towards it.
* breathe down into your lower body, full and deep. Front and back.
* connect to the earth through your feet and root yourself into the ground.
* eye gaze at yourself in the mirror, without moving.
* take a warrior stance that is powerful for you, and hold it while breathing deeply.

Solo – for Her – sexual polarity now

* lift your arms and make a sphere around your body with your hands in a light, flowing way.
* place your hands on your womb and sink down into it, eyes closed.
* move your body wildly, prow and growl.
* do something you have never done before.
* in a private space stroke your own body as a lover would, feeling it.                                                                                     *touch the fabrics in your clothing, your wardrobe or in a shop. Enjoy the feel.

Couples – for couples who trust each other – sexual polarity now

Fundamentally sexual polarity is about one person occupying a masculine directional energy and the other person a surrendered feminine energy. These practices are for couples who have agreement about exploring masculine and feminine essence in a loving way.

For Him
* give her your undivided attention with full presence, with the attitude of worshipping her.  *direct her with your loving guidance to do something that benefits her.
* admire and verbally appreciate her body, her shape, her look, her sexiness.
* have a hot, fragrant bath ready for her when she gets home. Then leave her alone, wait.
* press her against the wall, lovingly, gently but firmly, so she has no choice but surrender.

For Her
* acknowledge him as your handsome hero, naming how he supports you.
* flirt with him, make no sense, be illogical, mysterious.
* show him your naked body when he doesn’t expect it, and then drift away….
* offer your feminine flow and bodily movement to evoke his presence.
* give him pleasure in the way that he likes.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

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I remember many years ago when I was a young woman, a friend gave me a book called ‘Tantra – Only One Sky’. It was by spiritual teacher Osho, and I stayed awake reading it all night. I was awakened by the recognition of truth in his evocation of the tantric spiritual life. it set me on a path of Tantric Love relationships.

Last month, and decades later, I am leading an Advanced Living Love workshop in Cyprus, and one of the evenings is based around sexuality. I talk about Tantra. I don’t often describe my Living Love work as ‘tantra’ as there are so many associations with that label now. However my experiences of Tantra are profoundly connected to the opening to love that occurs in my workshops, deepening into masculine and feminine essence, polarity and embodied, energetic intimacy. I want to share a few ideas with you on Tantra and how it applies to sexuality, love and life.

 Peaks and Valleys

Conventional sexuality is mostly about foreplay and arousal, with the goal of both people achieving release through orgasm. For the woman this is usually clitoral orgasm(s) and for the man it is ejaculation. This can take you on a great journey of pleasure. And a good lover learns how to pleasure the other in the way that turns them on.

However, the arc of that sexual experience is building up to a peak and then there is a drop, especially for the man, who after ejaculating can take a while to become aroused again.

A slowly building wave

In Tantra the aim is to experience love making as both the peaks of arousal and the valleys in between, as a slowly building wave. Pulling back and slowing down before the climax of orgasm, especially the male orgasm, and dropping into the valley to diffuse the sexual energy through the body and concentrate on connection with the other.

The valley can seem flat after the excitement of building pleasure of the peak, but if you linger in the valley with presence and love then it has its own rewards of subtle sensation and deep union. The valley is rich and varied if we can embrace it without switching off. Then the sexual energy starts to build again, moving eventually to a series of peaks and valleys, getting higher each time. And each time the peak is getting stronger and holding more intense pleasure and love.

Let go of goal-seeking

To embrace this way of making love is to let go of goal-seeking, of performance pressure, of getting it right. For the bigger intention of trusting the emptiness as well as the fulness. It does require ejaculation mastery from the man, and possibly from the woman too if she loses a lot of energy after orgasm. If not, she can have multiple orgasms as the waves build.

Ejaculation control is a whole other subject, which is covered by many teachers on sexuality. However, the peaks and valleys approach makes it a lot easier, as in the valleys the man can slow down, breathe, relax, and focus on his beloved.

It takes time. (It is also great to sometimes enjoy other quicker ways of sexual connection.)

You don’t need a partner to practice this, it can be your own experience.

Tantra is about life, which is mirrored in our sexuality. So, in life are we always seeking the thrill of the peaks, the adrenaline rush of the goal, craving the release of the sudden drop into sleep or nothingness? Learning how to ‘be’ in the valley is fundamental to a fulfilling life where we can be intuitive, aware and loving. It is where we listen and where we are still, where we dance and where we embrace the unknown, the unseen mystery.

She is receptive sexually; he is receptive in the heart

Tantra means ‘weaving’, the weaving of all that is, the weaving of the opposites of Masculine and Feminine, positive and negative, light and dark. Not rejecting but embracing everything with awareness. It is an inclusive path of spirituality, not a renunciative path, although requiring discipline. To have the awareness and the heart to be able to dive into what exists without recoil is a very strong practice. To breathe in suffering and transform it with love. To integrate the others viewpoints without needing to assert our own righteously. This takes courage and practice – stumbling, feeling exploring, experiencing, letting go and moving on.

Artwork by Ines Honfi
http://www.ineshonfi.com

In tantric sexuality the masculine essence is positively charged in the genitals and the feminine is positively charged in the heart centre. What does this actually mean? It means that he will be more outward moving in his sexual energy, she will be more outward moving in her heart energy, her blessing force. She is receptive sexually; he is receptive in the heart. She can bring him more into the heart, and he can awaken her deep sexuality.

When this happens there is a circuit of energy flowing between the two lovers that creates a union of One Love in the two-bodied form.

A simple example is if her nipples are stimulated this will increase her sexual energy in her genitals. When he is stimulated in his genitals his heart will open more easily.

Placing connection above all else

Traditionally Tantra adepts used sexual energy for enlightenment. It isn’t about romantic love at all. It is about spiritual growth. Now I see that sometimes people who are exploring tantric sexuality get overly focused on techniques and circulating breaths, counting their orgasms and so on. Making love is about creating love between lovers, placing connection above all else. There may be no orgasms that day, and does it matter? Not if you are both connected with heart and sex. Then no orgasm can actually keep the polarity alive and activate sexual chemistry to meet again. It is for the couple to find out what works, to be a love-making ‘team’ supporting each other to find fulfilment, pleasure and increasing love and presence. Being open about what’s going on for you, between you, without it being an intellectual or psychological session, but direct open body and heart feedback. In the valley this is part of the experience.

Can we roar and claw

In the embrace of all that is, tantra explores a whole range of energies from light to dark. This is not only done sexually, but it does express there. Can we roar and claw when that energy arises and stay in the open heart? Can we be super vulnerable and tender without protecting our openness? In tantric love and life the play can go from ‘blessings to beast’ in a heartbeat.

Tantric Love, Living Love also means working with what’s on the table and that will include ageing bodies, disabilities, fears, preferences, sexual kinks, closures, past traumas, doubt and all other aspects of humanity. In oneself and the other.

Sometimes it all comes together and eventually we learn to relax when it doesn’t. This opens the door for the next moment and possibility.

Integration of challenges and difficulties is actually super sexy. To be able to hold and flow with it all, to have humour, to be caring and kind, to be fierce, this is a mastery of tantra and the weaving of love and awareness through the fabric of life. This is much sexier than mechanical techniques and better orgasms. Paradoxically though you will have expanded sexuality and pleasure in tantric love because it transforms and the restrictions melt away.

In wonder – what if we lived with true wonder, in the moment, breathing in, breathing out, with a child-like yet mature curiosity to explore and embrace and love and fuck and live like we are made to do.

This is Tantric Love.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

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I’m sitting in a New York taxi, speeding across town as the day turns into night, and I’m a little apprehensive. I’m not quite sure what I am in for. What a porn star taught me about living love was to be a deep life lesson.

It’s the early nineties and I am making a feature length documentary film called ‘Sacred Sex’. Myself, and the associate producer Michael, have been travelling around the world meeting pioneering tantra teachers.

We had arrived in New York earlier that day with an introduction to Annie Sprinkle, ex-porn star, performer and now a self-declared ‘post-porn modernist’. Before long we were having an eye-opening meeting in her apartment, decorated with her posters and photographs. Annie was delightful. Getting to know her, interviewing her, I was silently rapt that I had found such a wonderful film subject – very open, and weirdly herself, with a great story to tell of tantric sex in post–aids America.

As we were leaving, Annie casually mentioned she was holding a women’s only ‘Sluts and Goddesses’ workshop that night and would I like to come? Yes, I said, curious and with no idea what to expect.

Annie Sprinkle

I left the taxi and rode the lift up to Annie Sprinkle’s apartment. I was welcomed in by two women dressed in titillating, porn star outfits. Inside, the atmosphere was chaotic and fun. Women everywhere were in stages of undress, with music pulsing.

Annie was taking polaroid photos of several women dressed up as porn stars, posing against a studio backdrop and being snapped in various suggestive poses. She was a pro at getting even the shy women to become happy, outrageous ‘sluts’.  How this ‘research’ would fit into the film, I wasn’t sure, but it felt exciting.

Annie hugged me and led me to the ‘hair and make-up’ department, walking through racks of suggestive outfits and props, ranging from rubber dresses to bridal wear. She encouraged me to try out various costumes, and ‘slutty’ identities. From bridal porn, which turned out to be a short, white veil with a white satin teddy, white fish net stockings held up by a suspender belt, and of course no panties. Deliciously virginal from the waist up and very different from the waist down.

Then there was my dominatrix with a big black wig, whip, and red and black sexy outfit. She was hot! With loads of deep black eye make-up and an attitude to match. Lastly there was the way out there identity of a rubber-dressed sex goddess with a huge strap-on penis. Unreal and so much fun! With only women there, I felt safe to play and enjoy the energy for its own sake. Things were raging in this Slut part of the night – what would come next?

Annie Sprinkle – Yin/yang

Casually, Annie segued us into a different energy. The music changed, the pulse slowed down and we were now ready to soften into the Goddess energy. I don’t remember doing much, just sitting in a loose circle, breathing, dancing softly, relaxing and being. It felt even more special for coming after the Slut energy. The realisation that we were indeed all these energies was an embodied one.

As you can see this evening is imprinted on my memory and I now couldn’t wait to film one of these workshops for the sacred sexuality film I was making. When I arrived back at the apartment where we were staying, and my fellow producer Michael was still awake. He took one look at me and was taken aback at the energy I now transmitted. ‘Wow!’ I felt liberated, amused, provoked, blissful and……sexy!

All my connections with Annie Sprinkle turned out to be fascinating. I had never met anyone quite like her. We brought Annie out to Australia later for the film launch and she proved to be one wild woman. Unashamedly herself.

I learnt from Annie to play with feminine energies for their own sake, for what they liberate. To break through taboos in a safe way that doesn’t lead to shame and fear. That women can be slutty and sacred, and they are not opposites, just different points on a spectrum of feminine energy.

What I learned then, and since, is how important it is for women and men to have a wide spectrum of their energies available. These can be evoked through costumes, or subtle energetic changes to invoke feminine or masculine power.  In the Living Love workshops, I invite you in many ways to safely liberate whichever energies you need to open or deepen. Whatever will give you the fullest expression in your life.

When we integrate previously disowned energies, we can have the repressed power in them available for our living and loving.

And, most of all we can have fun!

love

Cynthia

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