Losing Myself to Find Myself

In my youth I had a natural radiance and embodied vitality. I call it the ‘free radiance’ of young women. In my reproductive years I was in my feminine prime; strong, free, sexually alive. As I traversed fifty and beyond, the hormonal wheels slowed down and the fertility cycle eventually ended. I, and many female friends and clients, faced an emotional and physical challenge and an identity shake-up; a reshaping of how I see myself. I had to let go of old identities and embrace new, fresh perspectives. To find the true essence of sexual maturity.

As fertility declines the body changes, especially for women, and that affects our sexuality to different degrees. It is almost impossible to be prepared for that. Fortunately, these changes happen gradually and we have time to integrate and adjust. I found that the youth focus of our culture and the lack of dissemination of elders’ sacred wisdom can have a debilitating effect on sex, intimacy and love over fifty.

New Vigour and Creativity Emerges

I wanted to lean into my spiritual experiences, to the collective wisdom and also listen to my body so that I could embrace this transition as a sacred doorway to greater spirituality and fulfillment. As I climbed ‘over the hill’, I contemplated that I was entering the fertile ‘valley’ of tantric spirituality.

Over a few years this change does settle down and a new vigour and creativity emerges. I was even relieved at being free of the hormonal ‘drama’, clearer about my own needs and boundaries. And more powerful. Some women report having less interest in sex, for others it is the opposite. Or the desire to have a different type of sex and intimacy.

Cultivate Your Spiritual Foundation – Know Thyself

That is when my lifelong habits and spiritual practices came to the fore. I was fortunate to have a background in personal growth and Tantra and while the menopause years were not easy, I knew and had practiced for many years shining love through my body. To the best of my ability. My years studying the work of David Deida, sexuality author and teacher, plus other guides and mentors, taught me that our ability to be radiant love and deeply present are not dependant on any idea of perfection.

Image: Timur Romanov on Unsplash

However, in the realms of love, sex and intimacy as doorways to the divine, we benefit from embodied daily practice when younger. I didn’t really understand that until later. Initially, I was attracted to this opening into the divine, and in my usual style, dived straight in. It has not always been an easy path to follow. Now I may not be as radiant or wrinkle free as the younger me, but I can be wiser, kinder and sexier – more tantric in my approach to life and love.

As a woman with a predominantly feminine essence, the practice is to flow, breathe fully, open my body, let go and locate love. Whatever our gender, we all have both feminine and masculine aspects. For the masculine, the practice is to become more fully present, free and deeply aware, through the whole body.

I discovered that while men over fifty do not have the same decline in fertility as women, they do have a gradual decline of testosterone and can experience less sexual desire and ability. Together with the changes that women are having, this can affect sexuality, intimacy and relationships. Sexuality is fundamental to the sacred union of masculine and feminine, but over fifty years of age and beyond, it may not look like sex as we once knew it.

For men and women there can be physical issues that might need medical support and guidance. There are treatments, hormones, creams and pills etc. to assist older people in maintaining a healthy and connected sex drive. And the good news is that aging also pushes us into a natural flow of slower, more spiritual sexuality and deeper connection.

Psychologically, letting go of self-judgment is also challenging as our bodies can feel like they have ‘betrayed’ us. They haven’t, but they are naturally changing. However, our ability to slow down, breathe and be more fully in our bodies can actually increase with age. We are more likely to have the time and the inclination to ‘drop in’, to let go.

The Tango – The Dance of Synchronicity

This general change in men brings them more in sync with women. And women have long been available for prolonged foreplay and slower, more varied love making. As we come off the sexual ‘peak’ we are able to explore more the heart connection and the sexual subtleties of the ‘valley’. The next stage of tango can begin.

If we are able to take the performance pressure off our sexuality it can lead to longer, more relaxed love making sessions. And, if necessary, more ‘outercourse’ than intercourse. The usual paradigm of foreplay, arousal, penetration and orgasm may be off the menu for some, which hopefully leads to exploring new territory. Whole body massage and arousal, a sense of playfulness, slowing down and being in the moment. If we don’t focus on the way it used to be, we can be open to how it can be Now.

As he ages, the masculine can find himself discovering more of his feminine side, not needing to lead and direct so often. The feminine can also find herself post menopause in a more direct and focused energy. We have both feminine and masculine energies, but most people identify more with one or the other. The feminine essence in any gender is motivated by the flow of love and feelings, relationships, connection, community. The masculine essence is drawn to mission and purpose, directing the flow of energy, free from emotions. The predominance of one or the other can change as we go through different stages of our lives, but especially as we get older and our hormones change.

This can be a good time for the masculine to relax and sink deeper, letting go of some of the ‘doing’ and move more into ‘being’. At the same time for a woman it can be a very empowering time. Free of her hormonal cycle she can create what she wants and enjoy her life and sexuality with abandon.

For me, connection is the ultimate key to sexuality, love and intimacy. This intimate communion is deepened by embracing any limitations and changes each person is going through. It requires a flexibility and self-acceptance that develops over time. There is no quick answer, but it is helpful to know that many are in the same boat. And there are new ways of being together that will surprise you with their intensity and joy. Finally, we can focus on what is really important – being as one, the divine union and the aliveness of spirit in the body.

Peaks and Valleys

We have tended to see the ‘peak’ as the ultimate goal, the desirable summit, full of adrenaline and discovery. But for myself as I grow older, there are still some peaks of course, but the treasures and the pleasures of the valley are more enticing.

I have been partnered and single in these years over fifty. And in both circumstances, I found it essential to keep my sexual energy alive and my heart open. The tools we can all use are varied and include emotional intelligence, movement, meditation, healthy lifestyle, self-pleasuring, deepening into your masculine and feminine essence, breath work, pelvic opening and self-inquiry.

I had to find courage to be honest about my own changes and needs. Being willing to find the loving way through, without giving up, develops closeness and resilience in relationships.  The rewards, if we push through that barrier, can be astounding; the intimate sharing and revelation of our vulnerabilities can unlock our hidden sacred depths. In the valley we find ourselves, each other and the pure union of togetherness and oneness.

I trust this article will support you in discovering the true essence of sexual maturity for you.

love

Cynthia

First published on Uplift Connect: https://upliftconnect.com/the-true-essence-of-sexual-maturity/

The post The True Essence of Sexual Maturity appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Once you understand the basic nature of masculine and feminine essences and polarity, it is much easier to activate sexual passion and sexual polarity now.  In 30 seconds, or a little longer, you can activate your own sexual essence, alone or with a partner. This is how to amplify your essence when you only have a few minutes to do so.

Solo – for Him – sexual polarity now

* set a courageous intention for your day and take one action towards it.
* breathe down into your lower body, full and deep. Front and back.
* connect to the earth through your feet and root yourself into the ground.
* eye gaze at yourself in the mirror, without moving.
* take a warrior stance that is powerful for you, and hold it while breathing deeply.

Solo – for Her – sexual polarity now

* lift your arms and make a sphere around your body with your hands in a light, flowing way.
* place your hands on your womb and sink down into it, eyes closed.
* move your body wildly, prow and growl.
* do something you have never done before.
* in a private space stroke your own body as a lover would, feeling it.                                                                                     *touch the fabrics in your clothing, your wardrobe or in a shop. Enjoy the feel.

Couples – for couples who trust each other – sexual polarity now

Fundamentally sexual polarity is about one person occupying a masculine directional energy and the other person a surrendered feminine energy. These practices are for couples who have agreement about exploring masculine and feminine essence in a loving way.

For Him
* give her your undivided attention with full presence, with the attitude of worshipping her.  *direct her with your loving guidance to do something that benefits her.
* admire and verbally appreciate her body, her shape, her look, her sexiness.
* have a hot, fragrant bath ready for her when she gets home. Then leave her alone, wait.
* press her against the wall, lovingly, gently but firmly, so she has no choice but surrender.

For Her
* acknowledge him as your handsome hero, naming how he supports you.
* flirt with him, make no sense, be illogical, mysterious.
* show him your naked body when he doesn’t expect it, and then drift away….
* offer your feminine flow and bodily movement to evoke his presence.
* give him pleasure in the way that he likes.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia

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These online dating tips for men will help you to express your confidence, and attract a great partner who is right for you.*

Many of my single male clients are initially reluctant to try online dating. Either they have a preference for meeting women in daily life, or they have tried it in the past and given up. However, in Australia half of all relationships start online, both through dating sites or social media. It is no longer a stigma to say you met online, as its now normal. And it is a good place to meet singles.

It’s also a good place to get scammed as 30% of scams are romantic and online. So please be aware – if they seem unreal or too good to be true then they probably are! And some people can play on your ‘knight in shining armour’ tendencies so please don’t rescue anyone.

So, have you decided to jump in and start dating online, or ready to start again for a fresh experience?

Be aware that meeting a great partner isn’t likely to happen in a week on Tinder or Bumble or RSVP. You must not give up after a few mediocre dates or even a bad experience. Thats life, and the following online dating tips for men can make your experiences much easier, more fun and successful.

Online dating tips for men

1. Profile

Magnetic attraction between the masculine and feminine essence works the same online as in face to face. So, if you want to attract your desirable feminine the first step is for your ‘profile’ to project your masculine essence.

Calling yourself a ‘boy’ or ‘lonely’ in your profile name is generally a turn–off to those who want to partner a confident man. You may truly be lonely or lost, but it’s not attractive at first look.

Women reading your profile will be drawn to your presence, authenticity, values and a mix of security and adventure. A man who loves and honors women is very attractive. As is a man with a sense of mission, especially one in service to others.

Women are bored by the ‘I love beach walks, sports, surfing, red wine etc.’ It’s what every other guy is writing and it won’t get you dates. Write a profile that tells who you are through real–life examples, rather than long lists of your successes, qualities or activities. Don’t be afraid to be quirky, heartfelt and in the moment.  Humour works too.

Less is more. Using too many words in your profile will make women feel like they are chatting to a girlfriend rather than being drawn to a man. On the other hand, sparse information, or an incomplete profile and you will look careless or lazy.

Don’t use any negative comments about women in your profile. Even if you have been scammed, hurt, or disappointed, don’t write or talk about it. And saying you want a woman with ‘no baggage’ decodes to ‘he can’t handle me being emotional.’ Swipe.

Be adventurous, be a warrior for love.

2. Photos

A primary photo about chest height, where you look directly into the camera or slightly to one side will be a major draw card. Wearing sunglasses looks untrustable, and women want more than anything to feel you are a trustable man. It’s a fact that many men put up fuzzy photos of themselves, with a grim expressions as they take a selfie looking into the bedroom mirror, with poor lighting and a lot of mess in the background. A naked torso says you are either showing off your bod or you want sex – not going to attract the sort of woman you want for a relationship.

Photos that are of you with your plane, and bike, and motorbike, and boat, that you probably think will impress her, can look like you are obsessed with your toys. One is ok to show you are a man of action. No alcohol in the photos, or you look like you a boozer, even if it was just at Christmas.

She doesn’t want date your dog(s) or your children or grandchildren so keep them out of your pics.

Have a close friend or two look at your profile photos and give feedback.

2. Criteria

Online dating and flicking through profile after profile can lead to the mind being too judgmental, or mentally sitting back with a list that no-one can live up to. Having a rigid set of criteria for a partner is a barrier. In person, when we meet someone at work or socially, we feel their whole being and how our heart resonates with theirs, as well as alignment and chemistry. Do the same online – be open to the connection, the attraction, the shared values and vision.

A general mistake men can make is looking for a woman the same as them, who loves the sports they love, likes the same music etc. You can do these things with your mates. It’s more important to have a loving, full woman who will enrich your life in surprising ways. And if she wants to climb Everest with you that’s a bonus!

If you say you are only looking for a woman ten years younger than you it looks like you are either a jerk or can’t handle a woman your own age. Likewise, dictating too many things you want is a turn-off. Online dating is not dial-up a pizza where you order the base and the toppings, it’s merely a place to have an introduction to many women, so you can find one you are attracted to, in body, heart and soul.

3. Progress it

Don’t spend too much time on emails or texts, progress quickly to a phone call or a coffee date. Giving her your number first is a good idea as this creates safety for her. Ask her to call or text you if she would like to.

The woman will be happy for you to move it forward. Sensitively. Many emails back and forth without you proposing a next step, will start to bore her. Expecting her to contact you when she is free is too vague and lacking in masculine initiative. She won’t be attracted by this and will rarely contact you to make a date. Better if you ask her for some available times, pick one and go for it.

If they are long distance contacts be wary of investing months of connecting (aka projecting) before you meet up in person.

4. Dating

Start with a coffee date rather than at a bar, and if you like each other it can progress. If the attraction is not there then you have invested only thirty minutes of your time, and it doesn’t drag you down. Use any date fruitfully as you can be kind, learn about others and gain more clarity about who is right for you.

For the first few dates it’s best if you can plan the outings, being sensitive to her wishes and needs. Be clear and simple about the time, place etc. and exchanging contact numbers. Arrive early so you can check out the scene, relax and be ready to meet her.

She will feel your masculine direction and ability to create a safe ‘container’ in which she can relax and enjoy her feminine essence. She will feel you have gone to an effort and that you are interested in her. Also, it is best if you pay initially, as friends split the bill. If she refuses to let you do this then don’t push it. It may mean she isn’t attracted to you, or it might just be her style.

And listen, and listen some more! The ‘peacock syndrome’ where you want to show off to her, is a turn off to most women. It’s instinctual for a man but women don’t want to spend an hour listening to a stranger talking about themselves, and this is very common in online dating. Yes, really! It’s great to tell her things about yourself, but being more interested in her will be so much better. If you are lacking an audience, chat to a friend before your date, so your need is met, and you can have a back and forth lively, flirty chat with your date.

And once you start dating the fun begins! And even when you think you have found your ‘soulmate’, it’s a good idea to keep dating other women until the one you want says yes to you.

I hope these online dating tips for men will smooth your path to success.

With love

Cynthia

*This article was originally a guest blog for The Confident Man website.

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Today I want to share with you my 3 Love Myths revealed. I am regularly coming across these myths in clients and I want to reveal the truth about these myths, because they inhibit and damage relationships.

MYTH #1 ”I have to love myself before anyone else will. Otherwise I will attract the wrong sort of partner or bad behaviour from a current partner.”

This concept has some truth to it, in that the more we love ourselves, and honour our values and our needs, the more confidence we have to call out what is not ok for us. However it really is a limiting myth, often used as a protection from being hurt. It makes us wait for love, and get engaged in ‘fixing’ oneself in order to have love. I find it is generally the feminine essence that tends to look inwards for what is ‘wrong’ with her.

Take a look around you at the people who are in growing, loving relationships. Do they love themselves more than most people? ‘No’ is generally the answer. They are growing in love because they are in a loving relationship, and working on the areas of unlove within their relationship. They didn’t believe they had to be perfect or fix themselves or love themselves more before they entered relationship. In fact, they often see relationship as a way to grow in self- love.

Single people often look at the inappropriate people they are attracting and say ‘I must not be ready, I don’t love myself enough. I’ll wait.’ Instead they could trust themselves, follow their attractions, and at each crucial step ask themselves “what do I need to do now to be more self loving?”

Truly loving oneself is a life-long process of varied experiences, of risking self-expression and gaining awareness. It’s a hard won authenticity and trust in ones own values, gifts and integrity.

“Living Love is love for yourself and others. Being able to love each part of you and give that love with no judgements.” Erik Klose, sales

MYTH #2 “Women don’t really want men to be vulnerable, they think it’s weak.”

In the Living Love workshops men often feel and express vulnerability, as women do. It’s part of being true to the range of feelings we all have when connecting to others. However, for many men there is fear that if they show this vulnerability they will be labelled as weak by women, and other men. Women also have this fear of vulnerability too, due to our overall culture of ‘soldiering on’, and becoming numb to feeling.

This Love Myth is not true. Women actually love men who can be vulnerable, as it shows he is strong enough to reveal it. He is present to himself and being authentic, two very attractive masculine qualities for the feminine. They respect him for it. And they intuit that a man who is suppressing these feelings will be rigid and unable to feel into them, or welcome their vulnerabilities or difficult emotions. They feel his incongruity, the false bravado, or the withdrawal.

At a workshop recently one of the men opened the sharing with disclosing a fear he had. The whole room just went deeper and the women loved and respected this man for it.

Vulnerability is not the same as collapse. This is what women struggle with, when a man collapses, and cannot hold his own vulnerability. Then the best way to support him is giving him the love, the space and the trust that he will work it out.

“Deep, real work. Living Love helped me become a better person. Realising my true nature – Love.”  Vin Singh, finance

MYTH #3. “Men don’t like strong women, and are scared of women’s wildness and fierce love.”

This is not true. Many good men are attracted to strong, powerful and successful women.

If she is living her powerful, feminine self it is attractive and exciting to men. She presents a level of challenge that they welcome. They want a strong woman at their side. Her wildness is a mystery that excites him. Especially when she can be soft and vulnerable too.

In the Living Love workshops, women regularly express fear that if they show their powerful, fierce, or wild energies the men will run away, as this may have happened in the past. However when women risk revealing their authentic power, through he heart, for love, the men are always asking for more. Literally. They are riveted by the sight of a woman in her free expression and energy. They constantly say they would rather have a few minutes of fierce love if they need it, rather than drawn out nagging, talking, processing. It cuts through. When a woman trusts her own power, she will attract a man who values it.

However, if a woman is operating from a masculine layer of protection, and the energy is more masculine power, strong men won’t be so attracted. There won’t be the polarity of her femininity energy meeting his masculine energy.

Fierce love is love, it’s not criticism. It’s not controlling or trying to intimidate a man. It’s from the heart of woman, wide open. If you are dating, you may not want to spill it all out on a first date – build the connection and see how he responds to your power (and vulnerability).

And again, look around at relationships you admire, and see if the women are strong and sometimes fierce? And loving with it. Mostly that is the case.

Appreciating you with love and trust,

Cynthia

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If Love is a risk, then why do it? What are you willing to risk for love?

Love isn’t something we can control, organise, keep in a pretty box, a spreadsheet or an iphone. It isn’t anything we can rationally understand. Unconditional love will require us to let-go, over and over. Love also contributes to our sense of security but essentially love is a risk.

Love flies is the face of our egoic structures that attempt to keep us safe and protected. It is a ’freefall’. Once you let go into it, then it’s a wild ride. It takes courage, persistence and trust. Trusting your own heart in the face of opinion, doubt, past beliefs and circumstances.

It is risky to Love fully and deeply and it needs to be grounded in self-love. We need to know our limits, and honour our vulnerability. Otherwise we are in danger of eventually contracting back into deeper protection.

When we risk love we are inviting our fears to surface 

Treat these fears with respect and compassion, but don’t live by them. Don’t let fear rule our hearts. Let love rule. Let your deepest heart guide you. The wise person risks being a fool for love. If we stay contracted and fearful we will end up with separation and isolation. We may be more ‘comfortable’ but there will be that nagging ‘what if…?’

Love is a bushfire that can burn away what needs to be burnt away. It can also be a beautiful warm bath to sink into and relax. But we know deep down the plug can be pulled, leaving us sitting wet and cold in an empty bathtub wondering what the hell happened?

In spite of our best efforts at loyalty, commitment and authenticity, love has no guarantees. We live in an impermanent world. We love people, animals, things, ideas – all of which will eventually be swept away. In fact love may be the only permanent thing. It is the stuff of the universe. It’s also called consciousness.

The heart longs for love, risks for love, dies for love.

We can be aflame with love for another and it’s not reciprocated. Or have given our all and been used. Or we can be in long and beautiful marriages and one of the partners eventually dies. And even knowing this, the flame of love continues to burn. The heart longs for love, risks for love, dies for love. A warrior gives their life for love of family, country, freedom, ideals. The grandmother comes out of retirement to care for the children of her drug addicted daughter. A brother jumps into a raging river to save his sister from drowning. A health worker risks their life treating  infectious patients.

We stretch ourselves to give birth to love. There are inevitable stretch marks, scars and the incredible beauty of the freefall, the birth, the rebirth, the dive into the heart of love. It’s an opening, a gap, a portal, a doorway. It’s not always wide open….. we may have to pull it creaking and resisting, or fling it open. Sometimes love is a flood, sometimes a slow trickle that fills the dam. When the dam walls burst we stand free and clear as lovers of life, lovers of awakening, of spirit, of freedom, of all that is.

What does risking love look like?

It could be committing to a beloved or renewing commitment. Equally it could be committing to your own truth and ending a wrong relationship.  A fertile ground for love is being vulnerable to others – revealing yourself. Risking love for you may be joining a dating site saying ’I’m ready for love.’ For another it could be accepting a desire to conceive a child, or letting go of a child ready to fly the nest. Asking for help may wrench your heart out of its comfort zone. For the masculine it may be to deepen your mission and purpose, while making time and honouring your intimate life. Start doing what you love, or bring heart integrity to what you already do. Be a deeper man. Be a more alive woman. Act now or…. wait and receive.

Love is what sits right in your heart right now. Listen to that voice, that urge, that true desire.

There are no rules in the freefall to love. Risk, and love is its own reward. Yes you will suffer and yes you will be fulfilled. Your life takes on the deepest meaning you can imagine.

Practices to live love:

1. Find a quiet place to sit and reflect on what your heart is saying to you – it does talk when we get quiet enough to listen. Trust what comes up, protect it, nurture it. Then act on it.

2. Take notice of your dreams and daydreams – they are powerful ways your intuition talks to you about what lies deeper in your heart.

3. Consult with your trusted friends and allies – they know when you are living your heart.

With love

Cynthia

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