The 3A’s  of great relationships – Attraction, Alignment and Authenticity are the three essential ingredients for great relationships, friendships and collaborations. Remove one of these ingredients and it just doesn’t quite work.

An energetic pull that draws you together

1. Attraction is central to all our relationships. There is sexual attraction with our intimate partners, the spark of masculine and feminine opposites. In dating we simply want to see someone again. In friendships we like someone, we are drawn to them. At work, we have colleagues we prefer to be with, teams we want to be part of, a culture or creativity that attract us. Here we thrive. Even our pets are likable, lovable or just quirkily attractive to us.

Trying to be in an intimate relationship without attraction is a forced affair. It is a struggle that never fully goes away. There may be a huge amount of love, but if attraction is absent, it devolves more into companionship.

And I’m not just talking about physical attraction, but an energetic pull that draws you together, often in spite of physical preferences. ‘He’s not my usual type but I just want to be around him…’

Attraction in intimacy will ebb and flow over time, but how much depends on your commitment to keeping passion and love alive. As one of the 3 Traits of great relationships it is important!

Sharing core values and dreams

2. Alignment is also a major key to great relationships. If we are not sharing core values and dreams it is difficult to sustain an attraction. For example, if you are a man in your early forties and you really want to have a family, you may be extremely attracted to your girlfriend, but if she does not want children it’s not going to work. Or if you need monogamy and your partner needs an open relationship, your opposing desires for safety and freedom are not aligned.

You are pulling in opposite directions.

Or if your dream is to live and work in a cosmopolitan city, and your partner is miserable unless they are in the bush, the attraction will likely lessen under the strain of the non-alignment. Compromises can be made, but it’s not easy when they are big ones. But the plus is that you can discover new things through your partner.

In a work team, it is often more invigorating to have different points of view. But only when you are all aligned in service to a common goal or project.

Friendships can drift apart when not bound by a common interest, location, political leanings, shared sports, life-styles. Sometimes though, the heart alignment is stronger than these factors and the friendship endures all kinds of changes.

In intimate relationships an alignment of your sexual flavours and preferences makes it easier to flow together in love making. If one partner is very light and romantic and the other is more kinky and darker this can be fearful for one and boring for the other.

When we are authentic others can trust us

3. Authenticity creates trust, an essential for all good and strong relationships, intimate or otherwise. Being real and essentially yourself is being authentic. When we are authentic others can trust us because we do not have secrets or hidden motives. We are not projecting false identities over our true essence, or manipulating to get love and attention. We are vulnerable in the best kind of way.

If we commit to another from our authentic selves we will naturally keep our commitments and follow through. This builds the trust, which creates a container for attraction and love to grow and flourish. Authenticity is not about forcing our ‘truth’ onto another or being ‘honest’ in a way that hurts others unnecessarily. It is being true to ourselves and living love to others.

Authenticity is exciting, an aphrodisiac. It can bring back lost attraction or make it very clear if its not going to work.

If you are not able to be your authentic self in a relationship that is not healthy and needs to change.

Small amounts of awareness can go a long way

And there is a 4th A, the overarching aspect of Awareness. Connecting to lightness, humour, sacredness and ease. Small amounts of awareness can go a long way in our human stumbling towards love. No one is perfect, much less ourselves.

How are you doing with the 3 Traits of great relationships?

Are you showing and relishing your own attractiveness, or hiding it away? Are you trying to be attractive on the outside as a compensation to feeling not so attractive inside? Are you trusting and following your true attractions and desires in all your relationships? If not, why not?

Are you in acting in alignment with your own values and dreams? Do you recognise that getting involved with someone without enough alignment will lead to suffering? What will you compromise to be loved? Why?

Is authenticity something you welcome or fear? Are you a trustable person to be with because you are in touch with yourself and willing to risk being authentic with others? Do you let love in by being vulnerable? If not, are you working on it?

……And there is a  quiet 4th A  – Awareness – we can all keep evolving and doing our own work to increase our awareness in growth and consciousness. This positively impacts all our relationships.

Where coaching comes in

Cynthia

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The real lover isn’t the version of you that’s trying to get it right. Also it’s not just the more confident, more open, more aware you.

The real lover is who you are when you feel safe enough to be fully yourself.

Do you feel safe to be fully you in relationship?
Do you trust that you’ll be appreciated and loved? Not just for your warmth and openness, but also for your sensitivity, your fear, the parts of you that hold back?

Many of us don’t realise how much we manage ourselves in relationship. We soften important boundaries. We adapt and try to be easier to love, less demanding, more contained. We’ve been hurt before.

Or we restrain our masculine intensity – our strength and direction. Or dilute our feminine flow of devotional love and feeling. We pull back from our full expressions of love and freedom.

I see this repeatedly in my work.

In dating, someone feels a genuine connection but holds back their interest or desire.  They don’t want to seem too much, too keen, too vulnerable. On the surface everything seems ok, friendly and harmonious, but something essential isn’t being revealed, and the connection slowly fades or goes into the ‘friend-zone’.

Anger is often repressed rather than expressed in longer-term relationships, Someone feels hurt or frustrated but stays quiet — not wanting to create conflict or seem unloving. The anger doesn’t disappear; it turns into distance, and intimacy slowly dies. I’m not at all advocating angry violence but making room for it as an emotion and finding ways to feel and embrace it safely.

When there isn’t enough safety, the body doesn’t open. It freezes, guards, withdraws, shuts down.
And when this happens over time, our capacity to give and receive love is limited. Our passion is diluted, our wild animal energy is nowhere to be found.

Then we start to wonder why the spark fades. Why we feel disconnected from ourselves and our relationships don’t go anywhere. Why connections that once felt alive start to deaden.

This isn’t a failure of intention or love. It’s often an unconscious response to not feeling safe enough to fully arrive.

The real lover emerges when the nervous system feels safe enough to stay open, present, and real. This is something that we can cultivate within ourselves, in small groups and with a beloved.

The real lover is able to be all of themselves, the gentle and wild, the light and the dark, the deep and the humorous. To be vulnerable and powerful. To offer their gifts in relationship, to be of value, to be free and loved.

Firstly we give ourselves permission to reveal more of ourselves. We discover who we really are. We trust to show ourselves in both ordinary and spiritual aspects. Secondly, we show up in our relationships and see what happens. It’s ok to take it slowly, after all you are exploring new ground. Thirdly, we also open to embrace the other’s realness and expression too. Life and love can become a wonderful exciting journey, and also rooted in everyday life.

This is the exploration at the heart of my work, and of the Attraction, Intimacy & Love Workshop – a space to meet yourself honestly in relationship, and to discover what becomes possible when you no longer have to hold yourself back.

Love,

Cynthia

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When you stay connected to the inner compass of your Sacred Lover, you naturally thrive in intimacy. You become magnetic to love, and more real.

Think of these everyday situations:
• You don’t speak up about something important because you don’t want to “start a fight”.
• You downplay your feelings to avoid seeming needy or “too emotional.”
• You hesitate to follow a new opportunity or passion because you worry your partner won’t keep up, or the connection will shift.
• Or, when dating, you tone yourself down to seem “acceptable”, instead of showing who you really are.

It’s human to do this because often, we’re not just protecting ourselves – we’re protecting the relationship dynamic we’re familiar with.

Your Sacred Lover invites you to do the opposite: to risk letting your real self out.

It’s built on three simple elements:

• Intention – what you value in love and how you want to show up: e.g.with love, freedom, play, depth, curiosity, clear communication.
• Inspiration – the things that actually light you up and bring your relationships alive (spirit, touch, music, nature, movement, purpose, shared growth).
• Gifts – the essence and qualities you naturally are and what you bring to relationships: e.g. your humour, devotion, insight, warmth, steadiness, passion, fire, creativity, presence.

When these elements are alive, relationships feel more truthful and exciting. There’s less shrinking, and more energy flowing between you. Your Sacred Lover also brings the presence and freedom of the masculine essence, and the love and flow of the feminine essence into polarity. We have both masculine and feminine and most people have one essence as a stronger orientation.

I see this often in workshops:

A woman realises she’s been “easy going” in relationships, but her partner actually wants more directness from her, not less.
A man admits he holds back intimacy because he’s scared of being rejected – yet his partner has been longing for him to lead.
A single person notices they keep choosing people who don’t appreciate their vulnerability – and suddenly feels free to date like the full version of themselves.

These are small, human moments of awakening (and there are many more) – and yet they shift everything.

Our fear tries to protect us from discomfort, yet it also hold us back from deeper intimacy. It keeps us from being our Sacred Lover. But when we soften around fear with compassion, grounding, and presence, something opens. We become braver, clearer, more available. Beyond fear, we reclaim the ability to shape our relationships from love and freedom rather than protection.

When intention, inspiration and your natural gifts come together, your Sacred Lover becomes magnetic. Your love and life expands – whether that means deepening your current relationship or attracting someone who can actually meet you.

Here are a few simple reflections:
What inspired me today?
What do people consistently appreciate in me?
Where and what do I hold back in love – and what truth wants to be expressed instead?

Your Sacred Lover isn’t a spiritual concept. 
It’s the you that feels alive, embracing the light and the shadows.
The you that doesn’t shrink.
The you that love has been waiting to meet.

with love

Cynthia

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The polarity between masculine and feminine energies is what creates magnetic attraction and erotic connection between people. That can happen with a stranger, where there may be no love at all. When you have Polarity + Love you have a potent mix of desire and connection. Love provides the trust and the alignment, while polarity provides the desire and the thrill of the unknown.

This difference between masculine and feminine essence is also the source of much modern angst, spawning countless internet memes, comedy skits and lots of advice (mine included). They really are different modes – She is the flowing, feeling ever changing part of us, relating focused.  He is the solid, non-changing aspect that is mission focused.

Many people, whether in a relationship or dating, decide to just give up on polarity and opt for ‘sameness’. This brings harmony, but not passion. Often they had the passion at the beginning of their relationship, but it has waned over time. It does that mostly because of familiarity and merging, which can feel good, but it erodes the sense of the erotic other. And looking outside your relationship to find that can lead to mistrust and breakups.

It can seem safer to be more neutralised and blurred in our relationships, more companionable, but we can be equal and different. Polarity + Love is achievable. To me there is great value in having both. When trust is there, when love is the compass, the polarity goes much deeper.

For years I have been exploring the ways to increase both these powerful forces. And you can too. But firstly we must see the value of putting in the work to create it, whether in a relationship or looking for one. In the disrupted times we are living in, the solidity of a relationship that includes both of these elements is grounding, reassuring and productive.

We mostly don’t have the same traditional roles of the past, and that’s a good thing to be free of stereotyped roles, but we still have the desire to have desire!

And we always want to love and be loved, in our own way.

With love,

Cynthia

Reading about polarity is one thing, feeling it is another. In a one-on-one or couples session with Cynthia Connop, you’ll learn how to embody these dynamics in daily life. Explore sessions here.

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Women often ask  “How do I get more of my needs met in a relationship? How can I get him to listen and be there for me? Where do I find a good partner who can truly meet me?”

The feminine wants to be appreciated, loved and seen.  She wants the feelings that move through her to be accepted, her radiance to be enjoyed by the trustable masculine. When he is present with her, undistracted, without judgment or needing to fix her, then she opens up to him. And importantly, to herself. She wants to be met by his masculine presence and love.

Too often the masculine one is afraid of feminine feelings or confused what to do with them. He tries bringing logical solutions to help her or quickly shuts her down, it’s just too much ‘drama’. Or he withdraws to feel calm and centered again. Without even meaning to, this can make her feel invalidated, as her feeling nature is an important part of her. It’s not just her emotions, it’s her sensuality and intuition, her feminine wisdom.

When he can listen and appreciate her feelings, and she trusts him,  then she also wants to be met by his ability to commit, claim and ravish her. So she can finally let-go and be her full feminine self.

What I often see though is that some women are wanting to be met by the masculine while they themselves are not fully in touch with, or trusting their own feminine essence. Is she okay with her feelings and emotions? Is she ok with expressing herself freely in her body? Opening up her heart and revealing her feelings can be challenging, especially if there has been hurt in past relationships or trauma.

For her, the right movement, dance, therapy, and other practices will be helpful for letting go of barriers to love. And softening into her vulnerability ignites her inner essence. As she meets herself, this begins to answer the question, “How can I be met? Because if she doesn’t see or love herself, how will he or anyone else? If she doesn’t share her beauty and love with the world, how will she be seen or met?

And still it’s important to acknowledge that a deep fulfilment for her in relationship is to be met by the aware and present masculine, who doesn’t back away from her feeling self, or run from her due to his own discomfort.

But, although she does want to be met, she may be scared or have unconsciously chosen someone who can’t match her. She may cut down and criticise him, the very one who wants to meet her. This just does not work. Or her expectations may be too big for any one human man to fulfill. So she experiences not being met and suffers with that.

When he can feel how full she is in her feminine flow, emotional honesty, and desire for deep sacred loving he is inspired. He is also inspired by her receptivity to his presence and masculine direction. He is attracted to her confidence and freedom to be herself and show him who she truly is. Her full and devotional heart draws him into more presence. Then he wants to meet and claim her to the best of his ability.

It starts with each of us, and we only need to take small steps in the right direction.

In my sessions and  workshops women experience being truly met by trustable masculine presence. This opens the door to that deeper claim and ravishment in her relationships. It is transformational.

love

Cynthia

The post She wants to be met (by Him) appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Everyday miracles for couples means that by infusing our day to day lives with love and a spark of attraction, things may still be tense, stressful or downright tough, but the flame that you are nurturing between you is real and even magical. When we first fall in love with the ‘other’ there is often a period of grace where we feel this flame naturally as a magnetic attraction, but sustaining it through the years requires learning and cultivating the art of loving. And we don’t get a lot of help for how to do that.

I often hear women say “He just wants sex and I want the emotional connection first.” Without realising that for him the emotional connection comes through sex. Both want the same thing but have different pathways to get there. No way is right or better, when they work together is the best.

The current social trend of neutrality between the sexes supports a necessary push for greater equality, but it can deny our deeper desires for feminine and masculine interplay. Imagine a culture of recognition and encouragement of both the feminine and masculine, synergistically combining our different powers to create an expansion of life and love.

However, it’s common for couples to struggle with these differences, either by resisting this interplay or by settling into a more “friend” state of being, such as being housemates or co-parenting, instead of embracing their deeper sacred polarity. Misunderstandings, past hurts, broken expectations can play a part in diminishing the flame. Here are some tips for Everyday Miracles for couples to help reorient your relationship.

Understanding and Embracing Polarity

1. Appreciate Your Differences: Understand that the essence of masculine and feminine brings a vital dynamic to your relationship known as magnetic polarity. These differences can fuel passion and enhance love when embraced positively. We are not the same. You don’t want him to be like a girlfriend or her to be like a mate, not really.
2. Support Each Other’s Needs: Recognize and support each other’s unique needs and desires. For instance, when a feminine partner supports the masculine’s need for freedom and purpose, it enriches his ability to provide and protect. Conversely, a masculine partner should support the feminine’s need for emotional expression and creativity. These are not exclusive and can change at different times in our lives, but usually we have more of one essence than the other.

Cultivating Time and Space

3. Make Time for Individual Growth: In our busy lives, it’s crucial for each partner to have time to nourish their own essence. Encourage and support each other to engage in activities that resonate with their nature—whether it’s time alone or with same sex groups. Or pursuing a passion. We don’t have to share everything as then we have nothing fresh to bring to the relationship. We need the treasures of our unique selves to give to the other.
4. Prioritize Your Relationship Wellness: Regularly commit to activities that nurture your relationship in deeper connection and intimacy, such as couple’s therapy or counselling. Making time to be alone together is necessary, even if it feels scary.  This commitment can strengthen communication, and prevent misunderstandings that limit the love that flows between you. Date nights should be scheduled in and aimed to have fun, not for discussing issues or family matters. Be adventurous together.

Enhancing Connection and Intimacy

5. Communicate Openly: We are communicating all the time, in verbal and non-verbal ways. And some of that is less than masterful. Find out how to listen and speak and give from your heart, even when you down feel like it. This helps in expressing love and resolving conflicts. Seek to understand rather than blame and you will be surprised at what can open up between you. Vulnerable “confession” is sexy.
6. Engage in Sexual and Spiritual Exploration: Celebrate your union by engaging in activities that deepen your sexual and spiritual connections. This could include sexual play, tantra, meditation, or simply exploring new experiences together. The masculine tends to connect through sexual closeness and the feminine tends to connect through emotional closeness, so both are needed.
7. Honor and Appreciate Each Other: Regularly take time to express appreciation for each other. Celebrate both the feminine and masculine qualities in your partner, recognising the unique contributions they bring to your relationship. Spend a few minutes a day telling each other what you appreciated about each other in the last 24 hours is a good way to start. If we think it but don’t say it, it doesn’t count.

Regular Practices for a Healthy Relationship

8. Set Aside Quality Time: Life can get hectic, and relationships may be put on the back burner. Make a deliberate effort to set aside quality time to just be together, away from the routines of daily life. This will infuse the everyday with your unique love.
9. Practice Connection Rituals: Engage in rituals that foster connection, such as date nights (or days), holidays away, doing breathing exercises together, or simply holding space for each other to share thoughts and feelings without judgment. Find out what works and do more of it.
10. Seek Professional Guidance When Needed: Don’t hesitate to seek help through therapy or coaching to address and resolve underlying issues. This is a proactive way to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.

By integrating these practices, couples can experience everyday miracles and keep their attraction, intimacy & love flourishing. And enhancing both their personal growth and their growth as a couple.

with love,

Cynthia

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In current times Valentine’s Day is all about romantic love, expressed through flowers, gifts and special outings. It generally appeals to the feminine as a sign she is loved and valued. For the masculine it can be daunting or of little value to himself, so a deeper intention will likely help him embrace it. Valentine’s Day – Beyond Romance – is that even possible?

If you are missing romance in your life, feeling unseen or unappreciated, it can feel like a craving to have it. Or you may have even shut down on wanting that or not care about it at all. But Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to go beyond romantic love into a deeper union of sacred relationships. To expand your love and freedom, whether single or in a couple.

For couples infusing deeper love into the humdrum of daily life can have real, positive effects. You can go beyond flowers and chocolates into offering your partner ‘worship’ of the divine in them and they in you. The feminine loves to be seen and appreciated as the goddess of love, see my previous blog on worshipping the feminine. And he loves to be recognised as the noble hero in her life, see my previous blog on worshipping the masculine.

If your relationship is going through a challenging time, Valentine’s Day can be a painful reminder of what is missing. Instead of ignoring it, you could write a card or celebrate it saying something like “I know things aren’t great between us right now, but I still love you and I honour your love for me.”

For some singles the day can be more challenging, a reminder of loneliness or longing for something you don’t have yet, but it doesn’t have to be. Look deeper into what you most truly want in a relationship and honour that. Look beyond romance to the union you will cherish in the future.

Some singles celebrate by appreciating a special platonic friend. And a “Galentines” gathering could be a blissful women’s evening of opening and joy.

Going deeper into love can feel awkward or scary. Valentine’s Day – Beyond Romance means we don’t have to get it “right”. We are going deeper than the personality and our identities into a recognition of life and love itself. Don’t worry about it being reciprocated. Love and presence comes back to us in some form or another.

Love
Cynthia

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In intimate relationships, things can go wrong for a variety of reasons, including poor communication (why can’t they just listen!), lack of trust (he never changes), infidelity (she betrayed me) and differences in values or goals. These problems can lead to feelings of hurt, frustration, and resentment, and the resulting struggles can cause the deterioration of the relationship. Transforming intimacy: from struggles to love is a fulfilling part of the work I do.

Intimacy struggles

In my workshops and sessions, I often see how personal issues, fears, and doubts can also play a role in the breakdown of relationships, as people may habitually protect themselves from opening their hearts to others, restricting the flow of love and creating patterns of pain. And so it goes around.

In intimate relationships most partners have different levels of masculine and feminine essence, which can be challenging. For example, a more masculine partner may have difficulty understanding or accepting a more feminine partner’s emotional expression and needs, while a more feminine partner may feel unsupported or dismissed by a more masculine partner.

I find that many intimacy struggles resolve when we understand the masculine and feminine dynamics at play.

Those with a more feminine essence can often have protection and wariness from past hurts and disappointments in relationships, leading to feelings of not being enough or becoming overly critical as a way of self-protection. Their partner is ‘not loving them in the right way’. They may unconsciously believe that by not being vulnerable, or numbing their feelings, they will be safer. But vulnerability (with a trusted partner) is a primary receptive energy that draws the masculine into a love relationship.

On the other hand, those with a more masculine essence may be wary of commitment and concerned about the lack of freedom in relationships but have a deep need to be met by the feminine. They are not connected yet to the depth of freedom they already are inside themselves. They can be in doubt about their masculine energy and may become a ‘pleaser’ lost and disconnected from his own core or be rejecting and dismissive as a means of self-protection.

From Struggles to Love

To improve the relationship, it is helpful for both partners to connect to their own core essence and respect and delight in each other’s differences. Seeking counselling can be beneficial. Additionally, workshops and sessions such as Living Love offers can help transform these issues.

When the feminine honours her own love and beauty, then she relates to herself and to the masculine from a very different place. She stands for herself, trusting and allowing her flow of feeling and vulnerability. Fierceness, tears and deep yearning may be felt and expressed as part of her love. This is very healing for her, to be real and to open to being loved by the masculine as she is. In her feminine essence, vulnerable, alive, powerful, loving. And as she experiences the masculine meeting her, encouraging her in her full flow of energy, she opens and grounds into more of who she really is.

For the masculine there is the relief and delight of meeting the loving feminine heart and body. He is directly enlivened by her open feminine energy.  Now he wants to listen! Real-time embodied loving feedback from her gives him the right amount of challenge to adjust and deepen himself. He becomes more trustable and starts getting different responses from the feminine. He tastes and develops the freedom in his being and how to deepen that within commitment and responsibility. Gaining clarity on his life purpose helps him enormously. He experiences polarity with the feminine that is wild and free, with deep integrity.

And when one’s essence is strengthened, the core of an issue reveals itself. Whether it is a communication issue or a sexual imbalance or a lack of trust it starts to come right. You can solve it much more easily in this depth of strength and vulnerability, in the energetic dance of the loving masculine and feminine.

We are not taught how to do this reorientation and it is not something we can always achieve on our own. It is not our fault, more the lack of transmitted wisdom in the art of intimacy.

with love

Cynthia

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The Language of Love

Below I explore the Language of Love through the lens of the 3 Stages of Love. (You can check that out or read on). In each stage we can attempt to connect with another person deeply and intimately, with more or less success. With practice we may evolve through the stages. Or often we find ourselves moving between them, likes a game of snakes and ladders.

First Stage – Struggle

Do you know that feeling where you are stuck in an argument, you don’t agree and you don’t want to give in?  In the first stage we sense ourselves to be separate individuals with our own needs and desires, our own fixed viewpoints and opinions. Our attention is on that self.

In relationship this often leads to conflicts and arguments. The differences between people can trigger a need to control, or win, dominate. Couples mainly in the first stage can constantly fight, blame and criticise each other. Fighting that goes round and round without resolving anything. Or if they are not fighting there is withholding, stone-walling or cold-shouldering. There can also be a repression of feelings, so as not to rock the boat and threaten the relationship.

We can get easily lost in our past childhood fears and patterns in the first stage. The present moment unconsciously takes us back to when we were abandoned by a parent or bullied at school for example. Our partner simply makes a remark, or looks a certain way, or expresses an opinion and suddenly we are having a huge reaction. We are expecting the worse, wired for threat and ultimately this threatens the relationship and causes what we are afraid of to indeed happen.

Even with good intentions it often feels impossible to communicate as each person ricochets off the other, until they are so tired they stop for a while, until the next trigger starts it all up again.

It is stressful but in the first stage there can be lots of polarity and passion. Also, jealousy and possessiveness. Sometimes with good ‘make-up sex’ fuelling the fire. We can get addicted to this type of relationship communication.

Reflect on – What do you get triggered into and how do you react? 

 Second Stage – Harmony

In second stage we developed more tolerance, more spaciousness for the other to exist as a separate person with their views and needs. Through doing our own inner work via therapy, body work, trainings, meditations etc we become more aware of what’s going on within ourselves. We can breathe deeply, pause and ‘self-soothe’ in confronting situations. We don’t take everything so personally. And we are able to validate the others point of view without needing to agree with them, or feel that we have to fulfil their needs all the time. Consequently we have more empathy.

The second stage ability to listen and respond rather than having knee jerk reaction is invaluable. We are able to share with vulnerability and authenticity. Both people feel more heard and understood.

The personal awareness of our own patterns and triggers from our past experiences and beliefs is very helpful. We can now see that our reactions are not just about what the other person is doing or not doing. We can let go of judgements and the need to be right.

Being able to hold space for the other person to have their own individual reality creates closeness and trust. To really build safety and trust in a relationship we need the ability to operate in the second stage.

Reflect on – What do you need to do to have more skills in this stage?

Third stage – Bliss

We need second stage skills to move forward to third stage. But second stage can also be a bit deadening because this type of communication often involves a lot of talking, which may relieve conflict and tension but at the cost of passion and polarity.

In the third stage you can build on both first and second stages. Use the passion of first stage but make sure if you fight that you fight fair. Don’t bring up the past or criticise the other person. Rather enjoy the energy of this fiery encounter. Happy relationships include some conflict and fighting, but not the destructive sort.

Also use the skills of second stage – you have built the trust and you know each other’s triggers and fears, you know how to support each other. From this trust you can safely take some risks.

Third stage communication includes both Masculine and Feminine  Language of Love modes. In the third stage he wants to communicate his presence, worth and trustability. She wants to be seen, share her love and shine her radiant light.

The masculine often shows his love by helping others, which can lead to him trying to ‘fix’ her, to resolve her problems, to stop her feelings (as they would be very uncomfortable for him to experience himself). She dislikes being fixed, and suffers when he offers solutions too quickly. She wants to express herself and let her feelings flow, in the spaciousness of his love.

He also doesn’t want her to try and fix him. He wants her to trust him to resolve his own problems or issues and love him anyway. Sometimes he wants her wisdom, and he will ask for that.

Look for what is the intention of the other person? Seek to understand. His problem-solving attitude is his way of showing love. Her showing him her feelings is her way of saying I trust you enough to reveal myself.

Breathe and feel through all the display of your fears, personality, ego and touch each other’s heart, body and spirit. Locate the magical field of love that we are all swimming in, and that we can give and receive.

In the third stage there is more of the blissful union of opposites. As she trusts him more, and he loves her more, there is less need to work out the problems. When you are open to love and spirit it is so much easier to sort out issues and come to meaningful agreements.

Now you can each give each other your gifts of communication. They may be verbal or without words.  Appreciation, joy, movement, humour and kindness are a priority. His presence and awareness, her full bodied love and intuition heighten sexuality.

Reflect on – What do you have to offer in the third stage language of love?

The language of love can take work but ultimately it is worth it.

Love

Cynthia

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I have a photo of myself as a young child, wearing a blue corduroy pinafore made by my mother, a huge smile, eyes literally shining with eagerness. I was naturally open, as most of us are. And well cared for. I wasn’t abused, abandoned or neglected, and yet I started protecting my heart. What would it take to get my heart open and love flowing?

As human beings we have a long gestation time in the womb, then once we are born, years of vulnerability follow. We lack sharp teeth, claws, armour, stingers or camouflage. From necessity we are hardwired for bonding to our protective parents and carers. Physically and emotionally this make us helpless and vulnerable.

I was raised by parents who were imperfect, just like me. Like most parents they were doing their best to survive and give their kids chances they didn’t get. A good education being the main one. Catholic primary school was an endurance test between being bullied by the boys for being too smart and chubby, and the regular cruelty of celibate nuns forced to teach classes with three kids in desks made for two.

It made perfect sense at the time to hide my soft centre, even eventually from myself. I decided it’s not safe to be open, as it leads to painful feelings. But as I grew and matured, I realised that protecting myself, closing off or shutting down physically or emotionally, is sometimes very necessary, but mostly it is not. Even when we may be actually safe, we can still close down because of the past.

The impact of life experiences

My family lived in a small house with a front lawn, with bright yellow daisies in the grass. One summer day I was freely running around until I was stung by a bee. It was a searing pain that didn’t last too long. But the fear of crushing another bee under my bare feet made me cautious about running around in yellow flowers for many years.

That’s a garden variety example of how we can protect ourselves whether the threat is real or imagined. And even if it is real, avoiding it may not be the answer. It temporarily pushes pain away, but at a cost.

And then life unfolded its opportunities and challenges, loving others, feeling love’s disappointments, a wonderful career as a filmmaker, spiritual awakenings, the joy of getting married and having a child, and years later the unexpected sadness of divorce.

And through it all, a meandering journey back to my open heart, to meeting life with vulnerability and a willingness to feel.

Are there times that our loving hearts needs protection? Yes, definitely. It is good to take care of our needs wisely and not be manipulated or exploited. Otherwise we can shrink and close up even more. And ultimately this can be done by discernment and walking away to a place where one is safe to be open. It can become a choice.

The illusion is that we need protection at all times to be safe

Protection is a paradox. It may aim to keep us safe but eventually it keeps us separate from others, and vulnerable to loneliness and despair, or to a feeling of superficiality in our lives and relationships.

The illusion is that we need protection at all times to be safe. The reality is that unless we are facing real harm, protection will keep us from the closeness we need to thrive. It can make us unhealthy, cause sickness and stress. It can prevent us resolving hurts and issues.

Protection also decreases pleasure. If we are contracting our bodies in protection, we are closing down to receiving and feeling deeply. Pleasure requires openness, relaxation and letting go.

If we are overly protected, we become more reactive to the ‘slings and arrows’ of life. It is like a shell that feels safe, but is actually brittle, and cracks with every movement. Without protection we have natural ‘shock absorbers’ to the knocks of life.

Do you know that moment when you do open up and let-go, and realise ‘wow I’ve been protecting myself’? You were so used to it you didn’t even notice it was there. It feels normal, but it isn’t.

Forms of protection

There are different ways that protection can show up in different people or at different times. And I’ve done most of them at times of high stress, fear or overwhelm. Protection can be criticising others, wanting others to change, or trying to fix them. So that we don’t have to feel, or really love. Withdrawing or isolating to be ‘safe’ or to reduce overwhelm. Being cerebral and analytical instead of raw and vulnerable.

The ‘blame game’ is a form of protection – making the other person wrong – needing to be ‘right’ or ‘in control’ to feel safe and secure. And creating the opposite.

Some people protect their hearts by avoiding commitment in intimate relationships. When mature people still want to keep it light, casual or uncommitted, there may be a good reason, but ultimately they never have to be really open to another in the deepest sense of showing your shadows and less ‘palatable’ side of the personality.

I would take risks to prove I wasn’t afraid. Jumping headfirst into relationships, life, projects. But I learnt that my protective identities were there to preserve the status quo, to keep me safe. If we deny them or disturb them too vigorously it can create a backlash, so we need to honour those protective parts of ourselves. But also, to be aware of what protection serves us and what harms us.

I had to learn how to let go, how to internally soften. Using breath practices and becoming bodily aware of tension or contraction and releasing it. Starting with the catharsis of bio-energetics, created by Dr. Alexander Lowen, and then over the years incorporating dynamic meditation and other Osho meditations and practices, several forms of yoga, dance and shamanic techniques to expand through the layers of belief and protection to enter the realms of unity consciousness. Choosing love whenever I was able to. Learning to discriminate between healthy boundaries and unhealthy protections. The latter by experience, feeling, and trusting my feelings. Finally, if something doesn’t feel right or good or clear then no matter what my mind (or other people) is telling me, I don’t go there.

We can also protect ourelves with certain types of clothing, attitudes, words, even holding inflexible opinions. Holding on to past hurts and resisting peaceful negotiations and resolutions. Preferring bitter resentment instead of seeking help. Avoiding inner work that would heal the hurts from past relationships.

Awareness opens the doors

When we first see our own protection, it can be a shock! But over time it is empowering, because then we can do the work and trust ourselves to make different choices in the future. Connecting with what we really want beyond the protection, also gives us the strength to face the fears, insecurity or shame.

Barriers are not boundaries. They are walls of closure, rather than clarity about self-value. Boundaries are self-care, barriers are protection.

I found, and continue to find, the courage to risk letting go of unnecessary protection, letting my guard down and letting life open me in all its wonderful and difficult ways.  Many wise people have helped me along the way. If I can do it, so can you.

With love and appreciation,
Cynthia

This article was first published on Uplift Connect

The post Heart Open and Love Flowing appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.