The Language of Love
Below I explore the Language of Love through the lens of the 3 Stages of Love. (You can check that out or read on). In each stage we can attempt to connect with another person deeply and intimately, with more or less success. With practice we may evolve through the stages. Or often we find ourselves moving between them, likes a game of snakes and ladders.
First Stage – Struggle
Do you know that feeling where you are stuck in an argument, you don’t agree and you don’t want to give in? In the first stage we sense ourselves to be separate individuals with our own needs and desires, our own fixed viewpoints and opinions. Our attention is on that self.
In relationship this often leads to conflicts and arguments. The differences between people can trigger a need to control, or win, dominate. Couples mainly in the first stage can constantly fight, blame and criticise each other. Fighting that goes round and round without resolving anything. Or if they are not fighting there is withholding, stone-walling or cold-shouldering. There can also be a repression of feelings, so as not to rock the boat and threaten the relationship.
We can get easily lost in our past childhood fears and patterns in the first stage. The present moment unconsciously takes us back to when we were abandoned by a parent or bullied at school for example. Our partner simply makes a remark, or looks a certain way, or expresses an opinion and suddenly we are having a huge reaction. We are expecting the worse, wired for threat and ultimately this threatens the relationship and causes what we are afraid of to indeed happen.
Even with good intentions it often feels impossible to communicate as each person ricochets off the other, until they are so tired they stop for a while, until the next trigger starts it all up again.
It is stressful but in the first stage there can be lots of polarity and passion. Also, jealousy and possessiveness. Sometimes with good ‘make-up sex’ fuelling the fire. We can get addicted to this type of relationship communication.
Reflect on – What do you get triggered into and how do you react?
Second Stage – Harmony
In second stage we developed more tolerance, more spaciousness for the other to exist as a separate person with their views and needs. Through doing our own inner work via therapy, body work, trainings, meditations etc we become more aware of what’s going on within ourselves. We can breathe deeply, pause and ‘self-soothe’ in confronting situations. We don’t take everything so personally. And we are able to validate the others point of view without needing to agree with them, or feel that we have to fulfil their needs all the time. Consequently we have more empathy.
The second stage ability to listen and respond rather than having knee jerk reaction is invaluable. We are able to share with vulnerability and authenticity. Both people feel more heard and understood.
The personal awareness of our own patterns and triggers from our past experiences and beliefs is very helpful. We can now see that our reactions are not just about what the other person is doing or not doing. We can let go of judgements and the need to be right.
Being able to hold space for the other person to have their own individual reality creates closeness and trust. To really build safety and trust in a relationship we need the ability to operate in the second stage.
Reflect on – What do you need to do to have more skills in this stage?
Third stage – Bliss
We need second stage skills to move forward to third stage. But second stage can also be a bit deadening because this type of communication often involves a lot of talking, which may relieve conflict and tension but at the cost of passion and polarity.
In the third stage you can build on both first and second stages. Use the passion of first stage but make sure if you fight that you fight fair. Don’t bring up the past or criticise the other person. Rather enjoy the energy of this fiery encounter. Happy relationships include some conflict and fighting, but not the destructive sort.
Also use the skills of second stage – you have built the trust and you know each other’s triggers and fears, you know how to support each other. From this trust you can safely take some risks.
Third stage communication includes both Masculine and Feminine Language of Love modes. In the third stage he wants to communicate his presence, worth and trustability. She wants to be seen, share her love and shine her radiant light.
The masculine often shows his love by helping others, which can lead to him trying to ‘fix’ her, to resolve her problems, to stop her feelings (as they would be very uncomfortable for him to experience himself). She dislikes being fixed, and suffers when he offers solutions too quickly. She wants to express herself and let her feelings flow, in the spaciousness of his love.
He also doesn’t want her to try and fix him. He wants her to trust him to resolve his own problems or issues and love him anyway. Sometimes he wants her wisdom, and he will ask for that.
Look for what is the intention of the other person? Seek to understand. His problem-solving attitude is his way of showing love. Her showing him her feelings is her way of saying I trust you enough to reveal myself.
Breathe and feel through all the display of your fears, personality, ego and touch each other’s heart, body and spirit. Locate the magical field of love that we are all swimming in, and that we can give and receive.
In the third stage there is more of the blissful union of opposites. As she trusts him more, and he loves her more, there is less need to work out the problems. When you are open to love and spirit it is so much easier to sort out issues and come to meaningful agreements.
Now you can each give each other your gifts of communication. They may be verbal or without words. Appreciation, joy, movement, humour and kindness are a priority. His presence and awareness, her full bodied love and intuition heighten sexuality.
Reflect on – What do you have to offer in the third stage language of love?
The language of love can take work but ultimately it is worth it.