In our modern world there are unique challenges for singles. Online dating and the internet culture can be hard to navigate.  And its easy to get discouraged or depressed by no-show coffee dates, ghosting, rude online behaviour, even meeting nice people you are not really attracted to. But the desire for an intimate relationship doesn’t go away, it just gets buried in the “too hard basket.” Naturally it can take a while to meet someone right for you, online or offline. It’s important to keep your masculine consciousness and feminine radiance alive and strong.  These ways how to stay positive when single are helpful at any time.

1. Have a clear vision

A vision for relationship is not a laundry list of must-have qualities, hoops that a potential partner will have to jump through. It is a feeling and thought sense of what you want to create, an invitation to fulfilment. Your vision keeps you focused and open to what you really want. It aligns you and represents powerful choices for yourself. It is an essential part of the artistry of life. Keep it open and expansive, not narrow or rigid.

Create and revisit your vision every now and then to see if it’s till what you want. Allow it to happen.

2. Work on what is in the way of intimacy and love for you.

When you are in a relationship the work around intimacy will continue, so it is good to start now. For example, if  you are living a hermit lifestyle and dreaming of a sexy god or goddess in your bed, there are probably a few steps to take along the way. Like learning how to relate more openly to people in general. Come down from the mountain, come off your couch and engage, take risks, open your heart, give your gifts. This is how they will find you anyway.  

Or if you are seeking the perfect love, you would have to be a perfect and that is a lot of pressure to put on a tender meeting of two human beings. Are you being so careful, picky even, because you have been hurt in past relationships?  Whatever it is for you, if you work on your blocks to full heart-openness,  you will feel good and find a pathway opening up towards relationship.

So thoughts like ‘dating is awful’, there is ‘nobody out there for me’, people are just ‘users’ etc. are not true unless you make it so. Self-enquiry, therapy and embodiment practices, journalling and workshops are great ways to help with this.

3. Have boundaries that serve you.

Take your time getting to know a potential partner’s character before you leap in. And if something isn’t right, it isn’t right. Trust the energy in your body.  You don’t have to rush dating or sex – slow it down. It just makes sense to have the first few dates all about being curious and getting to know and enjoy each other. 

Sometimes people when dating ignore their own wisdom and do things they would not normally do, or accept behaviour they would not usually accept. Then the date or new relationship goes pear-shaped and sadly they have reinforced their negative beliefs and attitudes. If you find yourself doing this it’s great to be aware of it and risk speaking up with care, state your own needs and listen to theirs. 

Boundaries are meant to make it safe to fully engage with another, not walls to keep others out.

4. Show up as YOU – flaws and all.

Don’t try too hard. Perhaps you have tried so hard in the past to find a relationship and it still didn’t work. When you are being authentic you will feel more relaxed and your energy will flow more too. If you tend to behave how you think will make others will like you, it offers a false self that isn’t sustainable long-term.  And it is exhausting.  Dating does take some effort, but you don’t need to ‘try’.

The date unfolds naturally when you are being yourself and you are not focused on how you are being perceived. This frees you up to focus on the other person. If you are being yourself and your date is not interested, then they are not the right person for you. This way you stay with yourself whatever happens. It also makes you more attractive. The right person will be drawn to the real you. When you accept your flaws it helps the other person relax and be natural too. Both of you feel safe and your true essence can come through more fully.

Using these ways for how to stay positive when single will go a long way to keeping you happy and relaxed while dating. If you are out there doing it, you are already doing well. You are a risk taker and a courageous person.

If you are unable to become positive again you may need some help to shift past experiences. Reach out for support so you can be available for love. Sessions and workshops are a great reset for singles to move forward towards a relationship.

Love

Cynthia

The post How to Stay Positive When Single appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

What do you have planned for Valentines Day? Maybe you are defaulting to a dinner out or picking up some last-minute roses, or doing nothing at all if you’d rather avoid it. I know for some people it can too commercial, or a painful time, but it’s also an opportunity to build deeper, sacred sexy loving with your partner or with yourself. How can you have a deeper and sexier Valentines Day?

One man I know told me he is planning three special events over the day for his beloved: time in the morning connecting with eye-gazing and words of appreciation, a magical evening picnic in nature, and a lush-scented bath time when kids are asleep… these are things he knows she longs for.

I love this idea of building up anticipation from morning until late in the evening, the whole day is then opened up and more deeply felt. And sexier. As many people are working and have children, breaking it up is a great way to fit Valentines Day around family life.

If you are single, it’s perfect to honour your own generous heart and love energy. Treating a friend and sharing deeply, doing something very nourishing for yourself, or spreading love wherever you go! A single man I know sends Valentines Day messages to all his single women friends. He appreciates their beauty and their loving hearts, making them feel special on this day of love.

Valentines Day is a chance to lift us beyond the mundane, the sameness of everyday and experience the magic. It can be daunting or scary to take the initiative but it’s worth it!

It’s not about how much money we spend or the show we make.

If you are single or solo you could get together with a friend(s) and the feminine essence will enjoy romance in a fun way. Dress up because you can and celebrate love. Think about where you would like to be next Valentines Day and share it with another. Don’t give in to disappointment or discouragement as this stifles your love and freedom. Inspire and appreciate others.

If you are a couple what will bring you closer together? For real, not a Disney version. Being attuned to your beloved is essential.

Do you need a new adventure or more remembering when you met and the music you shared and special things you feel for each other?  Especially if you are not in a good place, think about what will create love anyway.

What is sexier? Romantic love will touch their heart. Sacred sexy love is touching the divine. Creating a sacred space can take just a few simple touches. Meditating or dancing together before slowly making love will honour your relationship and the pleasure of being together. Or a wild night out with you two as the absolute focus is sexy. Romance is a great beginning to flow into sexual intimacy, not as an expectation but as natural opening.

What shows you’ve been listening, paying attention? If they love foot massage you can include that, if they adore blue cheese get that, or fulfilling a sexual fantasy. Why not go for it? Perfection is not required – it’s your intention that counts.

Take a moment to reflect on why you would put in the effort on Valentines Day? Is it because love matters to you, sexiness matters to you, and sacred relationship matters to you?

Now let’s get creative and see what we each can do.

Don’t wait to Love,

Cynthia

The post A Deeper and Sexier Valentines Day appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

The beginning of the New Year is a good time for some forward movement in our lives and relationships. Not by pushing and prodding ourselves to do better (that didn’t work last year anyway, right) but by a sweet and clear reflection on what you want and need.

It sounds simple but many of us are disconnected from what we truly want. We are too busy living up to our ideals of perfection or stimulated by social media to desire what other people have. We are not connected to the needs of our own essence. And we can miss a vital understanding how an imbalance between security and sizzle can stop us moving forward.

Stop and take a moment to consider – do your life, relationships or dating feel the same old same old, secure maybe but a bit dull? Nothing new happening, or no spark? Or do they feel on shaky ground? Always changing and maybe exciting but throwing you into feeling off centre or see-sawing emotionally? Either way there isn’t much expansion or real change.

If you are in an intimate relationship, it is important to find a balance between security and sizzle, safety and risk. Too much security can lead to boredom and stagnation. While too much risk and spontaneity can lead to chaos and instability. On one hand, security is a necessary foundation for a relationship. I find couples who constantly threaten to leave or end their relationship when things go wrong never create a base to move forward with a sense of trust and reliability. They don’t feel safe and supported within the relationship, so they tend to not be vulnerable and open with each other, which makes the relationship painful, and so the cycle keeps going. When they stop throwing the relationship under the bus when the going gets tough, then they have more stability, and the relationship improves.

On the other hand, spontaneity and change are also important for keeping a relationship fresh and alive. It allows us to explore new aspects of ourselves and our partnership. Spontaneity helps to keep the erotic spark alive and keeps the relationship from becoming too predictable. I often hear long-term couples saying that they love each other very much but there is no desire anymore, no attraction. There can by several reasons for this, but a common one is they have neglected to take some risks, to celebrate their differences, to have adventures, and consequently are stagnating in their relating.

The key to finding balance between security and sizzle is to be present and attentive to the needs of the relationship and to be open to making adjustments to find the right balance. This requires a level of awareness, being present with ourselves, and with our partner, and to be willing to be flexible and adaptable in order to create a relationship that is both secure and spontaneous.

What does your relationship need? How can you bring in more spontaneity and excitement? Or do you need more trust and stability in your relationship to enable it to grow in love and freedom?

If you are single and dating you need the same clarity. Are you just going down a familiar but safe routine of the same old friends, the same social outings, the same old criteria of who you will consider as a potential partner? Nothing suprising can get in past your protections. Or do you chop and change frequently, always in the vibe of the new and never stopping long enough to let commitment form or trust grow? Also a form of protection.

What do you need to change this year? Do you need more steadiness or more silliness? If you are online dating review your profile and see if you are coming across as too dependable and possibly boring. Yes, you may be an accountant who likes watching reruns of the Simpsons but have you also included you are passionate about love? Or the opposite – do you look like lots of flirty fun to be with, a good lover for a night but not a life partner?  You’ve listed all your favourite cocktails but what about the loyalty you have to the causes you support and for your friends? Adjust according to what you need and want. If you don’t like who you are attracting, what are you putting out there?

The same applies to our lives in general. To move forward we need a balance of security and planning with spontaneity and flow. Too much security and we become rigid, dry, stuck. Too much spontaneity and we become purposeless, chaotic and even lost.

Which do you need more of this year? New skills and hobbies, adventures and change or getting grounded and creating a foundation to your life. Once you identify where you are and what you need, you can open a door to bringing more of that into your life on a regular basis.

We can also look at this balance through the masculine and feminine essences. If you want more trust and stability, bring in more masculine energy. If you want more intuitive playfulness, bring in more feminine energy. You can find out how to do that in my blog How to Increase Your Sexual Essence.

I am highly aware of this security/spontaneity dynamic when I facilitate sessions and workshops. We need safety to be able to take risks and be vulnerable, and we need the latter to experience ourselves and our beloveds with fresh eyes. Attraction is a combination of the two. It’s a finely tuned dance and once you understand the dynamics of it you can create great lives and relationships, that are secure and sizzle!

love

Cynthia

The post Security and Sizzle appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Are you stuck in being too caring in your relationships?

Do you feel love but not attraction for your partner?

Are you dating people who want you to be their friend but not their lover?

Many of us are taught that it is good to be kind, caring, supportive and helpful in relationships. We are not told that this can kill off sexual spark and attraction. Caring is parental mode, being in mother and father energy. And the child receives. Now there are times when it’s great to be caring towards your beloved or your date partners. You can do this as needed. But if you want to have erotic attraction and spark it’s not about caring, it’s about desire. Being so caring isn’t so sexy.

Caretaking someone else’s feelings it is not erotic or romantic. If you are feeling obligated to take care of their feelings, it will diminish your desire to open to them sexually or to initiate sexually. If you or your partner become needy for approval or for the other to take care of uncomfortable feelings like rejection, then you are not standing fully in yourself and desiring the other.

“I love you” and “I want you” are powerful statements. When they become “I love you, do you love me?” and “I want you, do you want me?’ it asks for a caring act rather than an act of passion. You may want to make them feel better, but are turned off sexually, you are in mother/father mode or rescuing mode, not in the ravishing mode.

If by necessity you are physically caring for your partner, then it’s important to be able to switch that off and experience desire. It is possible to shift out of that mode, shake it off and have dedicated time where you experience each other as lovers. Whether that is through a ritual that marks the change, a special time of day, a change of clothes, a little signal you have. Dressing up for dinner changes the dynamic. One couple I know where he is her physical carer find that when they go away somewhere different, even overnight, they are able to reexperience desire and romance. Openly wanting someone and not needing them to make you feel better can be healing in itself and takes care of many problems.

If you are dating, it’s great to be responsive to the other person’s needs but not to feel compulsive about fulfilling them. You don’t want them to see you as the carer, the friend who looks after them, you want them to see you as a sexy attractive lover, who can also be caring and kind.

Especially in the masculine/feminine dynamic if she senses he needs her approval to feel ok about himself, then she is being forced to relate to the insecure boy rather than the desiring man. If she is overly caring he will experience her as a friend or a mother, not as the alluring sex goddess that he is going to have to step up to meet. And in reverse if he is overly caring she can start to feel like a child. She generally wants to be cared for and cherished, but as an attractive woman not as a little girl.

Of course, I’m not suggesting being uncaring or unkind or insensitive. Being loving is the foundation for relationship. However, I do see many couples where the love is there, but the desire is absent. That need to have the other caretake for them, or being compulsive about caring, really diminishes the sexual intimacy and activity. To bring back the spark, or to find the passion, dial down the caring and dial up the desire. If you find that difficult to do there may be a deeper pattern that is stopping you, and that may require some extra therapeutic support.

Being so caring isn’t so sexy. Remember that next time you are quietly demanding your partner or date makes you feel good about yourself, alleviates your anxiety or you are rushing to do the same for them.

Love

Cynthia

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Do you want to be wanted, and magnetic to love with a partner or future partner? Many of us do, and yet it isn’t always how we feel or what is happening. Attraction wanes, sex dies off, our spark is squished. How to create (and keep) attraction alive eludes us a lot of the time.

When attraction works it’s a circular energy. Someone finds you attractive and desirable and then you feel more that way, you radiate and glow in the feminine, and feel more confident and stronger in the masculine.

In reverse, if your partner isn’t particularly turned on by you anymore, you can start to feel and be less attractive. For singles if they aren’t getting attention either online or in real life they can start to contract and then they receive even less attention.

It’s a natural downhill slide. How to interrupt that free-fall and let go into love instead?

1.     Stand in your own essence and cultivate it.

Attraction happens when two opposite energies come together, the masculine and feminine essence, whether that’s in men or women.  This can be a purely sexual attraction, but it is so much richer and more sacred when the attraction is to body, mind and spirit. We need to nurture and deepen our own essence. Be as alive, healthy and vital as you can be. And bring that to our relationships, over and over. 

2.     Trust that to attract others, you don’t have to be the same.

Becoming too much in the friend zone or the parenting zone with a partner doesn’t work to create or keep attraction. Friendship and trust are essential, but we need erotic mystery and differences to feel that magnetic zing and have deep union. It is not about ‘type’ or body shape, it’s about energy. We have preferences but they can fly out the window when we feel that attractive pull to the other. We can be equal and different. Be sensitive to, and open to, even worshipping our opposite.

3.     Look for where the polarity is moment to moment in your relationship or date.

If things are feeling a bit flat or neutral, then what can you do in that moment? Pull back and leave a gap for the masculine to stand in? Offer appreciation to the feminine? Have humour, mystery, playfulness. Stop being rational or going on with dull talking. Be brave and try new things.

4.     Take either a surrender role or a direction role

To have strong attraction one person needs to be either the ‘ravisher’ or be ‘ravished’. Let yourself go and trust one or the other and see what happens. Most people have a preference and it’s fun to play with this and swop it up a bit too. Can be while making love or on a coffee date.

5.     Create endings and beginnings.

End the daily stuff and start the exciting stuff with a ritual, a poem, a look, a dress-up. Be bold, fearless. Activate the attraction regularly, don’t rely on it just happening as it takes skill and art to create and keep polarity.

…….

We will be exploring and activating this in the Evening Workshop ‘How to Create (and keep) Attraction. April 6.

Love

Cynthia

The post 5 Ways to Create (and keep) Attraction appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

As we navigate our way out of lockdown and border closures, especially in Australia but also elsewhere, there are unique challenges for singles. Old fears and disappointments can resurface as dating resumes. It can be discouraging to have no-show coffee dates, rude online behaviour, even meeting nice people you are not attracted to. Some people are reluctant to start dating again, others are scared to actually meet the person they have been chatting to online for three months. A few go the distance and stay open and positive. But the desire to meet a partner for an intimate relationship doesn’t go away, it just gets buried in the “too hard basket.” Below are 3 ways to stay positive when single.

Occasionally but rarely that perfect person drops in your lap and they want the same thing you do. But it can also take a while to meet someone right, and it can be hard to stay open and present. In the process, our masculine consciousness and feminine radiance can get dimmed. These 3 ways to stay positive when single are helpful at any time.

1. Work on what is in the way of intimacy for you. When you are in a relationship this work around intimacy will continue, so it is good to start now. For example, if  you are living a hermit lifestyle (masculine) and dreaming of a sexy goddess in your bed, there are probably a few steps to take along the way. Like learning how to relate more openly to people in general. Come down from the mountain and engage, take risks, open your heart, give your gifts. This is how she will find you anyway.  Or if you are seeking the perfect love (feminine), you would have to be a perfect and that is a lot of pressure to put on a tender meeting of two human beings. Are you being so careful because you have been hurt in past relationships?  Whatever it is for you, if you work on your blocks to full heart-openness,  you will feel good and find a pathway opening up towards relationship. Therapy and embodiment practices are great things to do at this time.
2. Have boundaries that serve you. Take your time getting to know someone’s character before you leap in. And if something isn’t right, it isn’t right. Trust the energy in your body. Even as we rush out into ‘real life’, you don’t have to rush dating. One thing that has been good about lockdowns is it has made people slow down on their dating process. A first in-person date that’s all about being curious and getting to know and enjoy someone, is intelligent. Sometimes people ignore their own wisdom and do things they would not normally do, or accept behaviour they would not usually accept. Then the date or new relationship goes pear-shaped and they have reinforced their negative beliefs and attitudes. So ‘dating is awful’, there is ‘nobody out there for me’, people are just ‘users’ etc. No, that’s not true unless you make it so. 
3. Show up as YOU – flaws and all. Don’t try too hard. Perhaps you tried so hard in the past and it still didn’t work. When you are being authentic you will feel more relaxed and your energy will flow more too. If you tend to present yourself how you think others will like you, it offers a false self that isn’t sustainable long-term.  And it is exhausting.  Dating does take some effort, but you don’t need to ‘try’. The date unfolds naturally when you are being yourself and you are not focused on how you are being perceived. This frees you up to focus on the other person. If you are being yourself and your date is not interested, then they are not the right person for you. This way you stay with yourself whatever happens. It also makes you more attractive. The right person will be drawn to the real you. When you accept your flaws it helps the other person relax and be natural too. Both of you feel safe and your true essence can come through more fully.

Using these 3 ways to stay positive when single will go a long way to keeping you happy and relaxed while dating. If you are out there doing it, you are already doing well. You are a risk taker and a courageous person.

If you are unable to become positive again you may need some help to shift past experiences. Reach out for support so you can be available for love.

Love

Cynthia

The post 3 Ways to stay positive when single appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

These online dating tips for men will help you to express your confidence, and attract a great partner who is right for you.*

Many of my single male clients are initially reluctant to try online dating. Either they have a preference for meeting women in daily life, or they have tried it in the past and given up. However, in Australia half of all relationships start online, both through dating sites or social media. It is no longer a stigma to say you met online, as its now normal. And it is a good place to meet singles.

It’s also a good place to get scammed as 30% of scams are romantic and online. So please be aware – if they seem unreal or too good to be true then they probably are! And some people can play on your ‘knight in shining armour’ tendencies so please don’t rescue anyone.

So, have you decided to jump in and start dating online, or ready to start again for a fresh experience?

Be aware that meeting a great partner isn’t likely to happen in a week on Tinder or Bumble or RSVP. You must not give up after a few mediocre dates or even a bad experience. Thats life, and the following online dating tips for men can make your experiences much easier, more fun and successful.

Online dating tips for men

1. Profile

Magnetic attraction between the masculine and feminine essence works the same online as in face to face. So, if you want to attract your desirable feminine the first step is for your ‘profile’ to project your masculine essence.

Calling yourself a ‘boy’ or ‘lonely’ in your profile name is generally a turn–off to those who want to partner a confident man. You may truly be lonely or lost, but it’s not attractive at first look.

Women reading your profile will be drawn to your presence, authenticity, values and a mix of security and adventure. A man who loves and honors women is very attractive. As is a man with a sense of mission, especially one in service to others.

Women are bored by the ‘I love beach walks, sports, surfing, red wine etc.’ It’s what every other guy is writing and it won’t get you dates. Write a profile that tells who you are through real–life examples, rather than long lists of your successes, qualities or activities. Don’t be afraid to be quirky, heartfelt and in the moment.  Humour works too.

Less is more. Using too many words in your profile will make women feel like they are chatting to a girlfriend rather than being drawn to a man. On the other hand, sparse information, or an incomplete profile and you will look careless or lazy.

Don’t use any negative comments about women in your profile. Even if you have been scammed, hurt, or disappointed, don’t write or talk about it. And saying you want a woman with ‘no baggage’ decodes to ‘he can’t handle me being emotional.’ Swipe.

Be adventurous, be a warrior for love.

2. Photos

A primary photo about chest height, where you look directly into the camera or slightly to one side will be a major draw card. Wearing sunglasses looks untrustable, and women want more than anything to feel you are a trustable man. It’s a fact that many men put up fuzzy photos of themselves, with a grim expressions as they take a selfie looking into the bedroom mirror, with poor lighting and a lot of mess in the background. A naked torso says you are either showing off your bod or you want sex – not going to attract the sort of woman you want for a relationship.

Photos that are of you with your plane, and bike, and motorbike, and boat, that you probably think will impress her, can look like you are obsessed with your toys. One is ok to show you are a man of action. No alcohol in the photos, or you look like you a boozer, even if it was just at Christmas.

She doesn’t want date your dog(s) or your children or grandchildren so keep them out of your pics.

Have a close friend or two look at your profile photos and give feedback.

2. Criteria

Online dating and flicking through profile after profile can lead to the mind being too judgmental, or mentally sitting back with a list that no-one can live up to. Having a rigid set of criteria for a partner is a barrier. In person, when we meet someone at work or socially, we feel their whole being and how our heart resonates with theirs, as well as alignment and chemistry. Do the same online – be open to the connection, the attraction, the shared values and vision.

A general mistake men can make is looking for a woman the same as them, who loves the sports they love, likes the same music etc. You can do these things with your mates. It’s more important to have a loving, full woman who will enrich your life in surprising ways. And if she wants to climb Everest with you that’s a bonus!

If you say you are only looking for a woman ten years younger than you it looks like you are either a jerk or can’t handle a woman your own age. Likewise, dictating too many things you want is a turn-off. Online dating is not dial-up a pizza where you order the base and the toppings, it’s merely a place to have an introduction to many women, so you can find one you are attracted to, in body, heart and soul.

3. Progress it

Don’t spend too much time on emails or texts, progress quickly to a phone call or a coffee date. Giving her your number first is a good idea as this creates safety for her. Ask her to call or text you if she would like to.

The woman will be happy for you to move it forward. Sensitively. Many emails back and forth without you proposing a next step, will start to bore her. Expecting her to contact you when she is free is too vague and lacking in masculine initiative. She won’t be attracted by this and will rarely contact you to make a date. Better if you ask her for some available times, pick one and go for it.

If they are long distance contacts be wary of investing months of connecting (aka projecting) before you meet up in person.

4. Dating

Start with a coffee date rather than at a bar, and if you like each other it can progress. If the attraction is not there then you have invested only thirty minutes of your time, and it doesn’t drag you down. Use any date fruitfully as you can be kind, learn about others and gain more clarity about who is right for you.

For the first few dates it’s best if you can plan the outings, being sensitive to her wishes and needs. Be clear and simple about the time, place etc. and exchanging contact numbers. Arrive early so you can check out the scene, relax and be ready to meet her.

She will feel your masculine direction and ability to create a safe ‘container’ in which she can relax and enjoy her feminine essence. She will feel you have gone to an effort and that you are interested in her. Also, it is best if you pay initially, as friends split the bill. If she refuses to let you do this then don’t push it. It may mean she isn’t attracted to you, or it might just be her style.

And listen, and listen some more! The ‘peacock syndrome’ where you want to show off to her, is a turn off to most women. It’s instinctual for a man but women don’t want to spend an hour listening to a stranger talking about themselves, and this is very common in online dating. Yes, really! It’s great to tell her things about yourself, but being more interested in her will be so much better. If you are lacking an audience, chat to a friend before your date, so your need is met, and you can have a back and forth lively, flirty chat with your date.

And once you start dating the fun begins! And even when you think you have found your ‘soulmate’, it’s a good idea to keep dating other women until the one you want says yes to you.

I hope these online dating tips for men will smooth your path to success.

With love

Cynthia

*This article was originally a guest blog for The Confident Man website.

The post Online dating tips for men appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

The desire for love and the erotic union of masculine and feminine runs deep, and yet there is little teaching in how to actually achieve this. And what teaching or information we do have is primarily misguided.

We have been told that continual intimacy, complete honesty, and sharing everything with your partner makes for great relationship. But the truth is this doesn’t necessarily lead to igniting that spark of sexual polarity and passionate devotion that makes a relationship alive.

In fact passion can be killed off in the cosy warmth of domestic life. Too much honesty can hurt another person or create conflict. And I am not advocating lying or deception here, but rather a subtle compassion as to what needs to be shared with the other. We don’t need to hear the bad stuff when it is something we can’t change, better to celebrate and appreciate the good stuff.

And talking about psychological problems together needs to be limited. It can be useful at times for trust and understanding, but it doesn’t usually create desire and attraction.

Talking too much to your partner in general can lead to boredom and taking each other for granted. Or to thinking you know everything about them. Intimacy can lead to a brother/sister type of relating. We are actually changing all the time – and mystery is exciting.

Mystery and the pull of magnetic attraction

This mystery and the pull of magnetic attraction needs to have a sense of difference to ignite. And this can be created, maintained and nurtured within modern relationships.

Celebrating the different needs and gifts of masculine and feminine essences makes a relationship much more dynamic and sexy. Accepting this as a priority may mean less time spent together in favour of more aliveness and attraction.

I see how women want their men to be like their girlfriends, then they complain they are not manly enough. Men make their women into co-workers or buddies and wonder why the goddess no longer shows up. We cannot be everything to each other, it’s just not possible, or desirable. Look to your friends, family and the wider community to fulfil some of the needs and keep the relationship as the union of masculine and feminine essences. Of course occasionally we can be all of these things to each other, but if we are depending on it all the time, it leads to frustration and disappointment, and it doesn’t have to be that way.

If you are dating and opening up to a new partner

If you are dating and opening up to a new partner, then knowing how and when to magnify your own essence as an attractive force, and how to be spiritually sexy, is a great art to learn. Don’t give everything away, take your time, and let the energy build. Hold onto yourself and your essence, after all this is what is attracting the other to you. Enjoying time apart will make you both more keen to see each other. Dress up for your dates, be comfortable to be masculine or feminine. Appreciate each other.

The Union of Masculine and Feminine is not a merger, it’s a union of opposites that can dance together as a celebration of differences. The allure is from the unknown other, not from sameness.

with love and trust,

Cynthia

The post The Union of Masculine and Feminine appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

What is sexier? What is most loving? What question we ask has a profound effect on our lives and relationships.

Let’s take some simple and frequent interactions between a couple. Who will put out the cat? Or plan the holidays? Who will take out the dirty rubbish? Who will wash up tonight?

Or if you are dating – ‘Who will pay for the dinner out? Or will initiate the next date? Who drives or gets picked up? Or meet there independently?’

Or if you are doing your own thing. Will I dance or watch TV?  Will I focus on work now or relax?

Many of these questions used to be answered by rules and roles of gender.

Many of these questions used to be answered by rules and roles of gender. Now they tend be answered by What is equal? What is fair?

In our western culture, we are programmed to ask, ‘What is fair?’ and if something isn’t fair we can feel righteous and justified in our disapproval of it. As though we should always balance the scales. And fairness is a good thing when it comes to equal pay, or food distribution for example, but it may not be the best or right question to ask in a relationship.

If you ask the question ‘What is sexier?’ or ‘What is most loving?’ you may end up with a very different answer than ‘What is fair?’ But we want fairness, don’t we? No-one wants to be taken advantage of by the other. And yet, if you are in the realm of relationship and dating, it will be much more creative to ask, ‘What is sexier?’ Or to create a deeper safety and love bubble by asking ‘What is most loving?’

COUPLES: What is sexier? What is most loving?

Generally if you want to increase the polarity of attraction it’s best for the masculine* partner to do the jobs that will allow the feminine partner to relax, stay warm, let-go, feel protected, rather than her toughening up, doing the dirty jobs and being independent. She can usually do these things perfectly well and will do them when alone, but when she is with him, if he takes this on, she will relax into her feminine flow and radiance.

Stress is a big obstacle to feminine fulfilment.

Stress is a big obstacle to feminine fulfilment. So anything that de-stresses her, that removes a burden and a worry, will help her open up, be more radiant and alive. More orgasmic.

If you expect her to be an ‘equal’ partner in jobs, or pay her own way every time you date, you will have equality and fairness, but not polarity and attraction.

Who drives when you go out together? Do you base it on who did it last time? or is it sexier if he uses his directional abilities and ‘go’ energy to take her somewhere. He can also ask her to drive. Or perhaps its sexier for you both when she drives and he is tuning into her. However, if she is focused and navigating she will feel a tension that is totally fine but…. What is sexier?

You can also ask ‘What is more loving?’ This is a great question if you want more love, closeness and intimacy in your relating and in your life. And of a higher order than What is fair? However, love can be caring and not necessarily sexy. Is it sexy for a woman to lovingly look after her man? Possibly yes, when he is feeling low or exhausted, some nurturing will be restorative and helps him feel alive again. But too much of this maternal energy can start to diminish the polarity, he will feel her as a source of motherly love and friendship, but not necessarily as someone he sexually desires.

Being his friend, carer, mentor, therapist, guide, may be extremely loving and necessary at times, but it will be depolarizing, not sexy or creating passion and attraction. This is different from gifting him with your feminine power and energy. You may say and do things that could be shocking and wild, however they can be loving, and sexy and very unfair!!

But if the man is being fatherly, a teacher, mentor, guru, therapist, it can be very polarizing and sexy, as he is giving her wisdom and guidance and she is following and valuing that.

Him honouring her feminine power can also be sexy, but in what way? If it’s from a delight in her fullness, and the excitement of matching that, it’s sexy. If it’s from a sense of relief that she will take that role off you, it’s not sexy at all.

When she receives a bigger share of romantic gifts it’s not fair, but it’s sexier. As is her gifting him with an experience that gives him wildness and freedom. It may be reversed in your couple, just find out but by the question you ask.

If you are saying, ‘but I love all these things too!’ that’s great, but ask the question What is Sexier? What is most Loving? or also “What is deeper?’ and surrender to the answer.

DATING: What is sexier? What is most loving?

If you are a woman with a feminine essence and initiating a date with a man, this may be sexier because he wants to know you are interested in him. But if you are always initiating, after a while it may not be so sexy as he becomes the hunted and you the hunter.  If he initiates, he feels the challenge of the hunter energy and this is mostly sexier to both

Generally, it is sexier for her to invite and receive and for him to initiate and penetrate, this evokes the polarity of masculine and feminine. You may find it sexy though to swop this occasionally. There is no rule. It’s up to the two of you to ask the question that will lead to the experience you want to have.

On a date, if the man plans it and takes a woman on an adventure, or is listening to her desires and m
aking them happen, that’s sexy, and loving. If he is dictating what will happen without tuning into her, it’s not sexy or loving at all. She will feel dominated and controlled, rather than seen and guided and opened.

A conversation about your relationship may be necessary, but is it sexy? If both people are staying open and sharing their true responses with love, and for her to be in her flow of vulnerability and feeling, it can be very sexy. If both are in a ‘meta’ state of awareness, self-responsibility and holding space, it can be very productive and clearing, but it won’t increase polarity at all. So, if you need to have this kind of talk, let it be messy and real. Know you may need to reestablish polarity afterwards, to reinstate the feeling of union and attraction.

SOLO

This also applies to our lives, day by day. If you are contemplating where to put your time, attention and energy, work out the right question to ask. If you want to increase your own essence, sensuality, heart-openness, purposefulness or freedom, what question do you need to ask?

It’s not an interrogation method, it’s an inquiry, a looking at and feeling into our lives, desires and choices. If we say we want a partner but then choose to stay home all the time, we probably aren’t asking the question to create the result we desire.

If we want to be more feminine but are always running masculine tasks and jobs and lists it’s not going to enhance feminine essence. Similarly, if we want to increase masculinity then choosing to often enjoy your pleasurable, flowing activities won’t work.

What is your best question?

This is not about being a martyr or a pleaser, it’s about mastery. What is your best question –  What is sexier? What is most loving?

Appreciating you with love and trust,

Cynthia

*For ease I’m referring here to the masculine essence as a man, and feminine essence was a woman, however it not always gender based.

The post What is sexier? What is most loving? appeared first on Living Love | Relationship Workshops & Coaching for Intimacy, Connection & Growth.

Over the last twenty years, like many of you, I have been partnered and single and understand the unique openings and challenges of both. Many of my single clients complain that they never meet potential partners and yet are reluctant to try online dating, or tried it and gave up. I have written Online Dating Tips for Singles to help change that.

As online dating is now the biggest source of single people looking for love, isn’t it crazy to ignore it, hoping you will run into someone at the farmers market as you both reach for the same avocado?  How many times in your life have you truly been in love with a great partner? Not that many I bet, so its not an every day occurrence and it isn’t likely to happen in a week on rsvp, bumble or tinder. However the following Online Dating Tips for Singles can make your experiences much easier and more successful.

A growing number of singles are finding love online – both in dating sites or social media, and the percentage is very high for older age groups. So it’s a good place to meet potential partners.

But how to avoid disappointment, frustration and giving up? Here are some Online Dating Tips for Singles  to enhance your experience:

1. Polarity between the sexes works the same online as in face to face meetings. Masculine and feminine essence are like magnets to each other.  So if you want to attract your desirable opposite the first step is for your ‘profile’ to project your essence. If you are have a masculine essence, those with a feminine essence reading your profile are drawn to your presence, lack of ego, and a mix of security and adventure. A man who loves and honors women and knows how to hold steady in the midst of feminine flow is very attractive. Using too many words will make women feel like they are chatting to a girlfriend rather than being riveted by a man. A good photo where you look into the camera with direct eye contact (and absolutely no sunglasses) will be a major draw card.  Calling yourself a ‘boy’ or ‘lonely’ in your profile name is generally a turn–off to women.
2. If you are a woman, men may not be primarily interested in your job or career but more drawn to your unique, feminine ‘shakti’ (life force) essence. Your playful, warm or offbeat nature is compelling. They want to feel ‘you’ through the words. A profile is not a resume or a job application, its an invitation. Part of that invitation will be your radiance, the inner glow of the heart coming through. Your achievements in the world are important as they show how interesting and textured you are, and stable. If you emphasize the sexual you will attract men looking more for sex. Your openness, self honoring and sense of fun will attract men looking for a woman to enhance their life. Have a close friend or two look at your profile and give feedback.
3. Create a profile that ‘shows’ who you are through real life examples, rather than lists of qualities or activities. Don’t be afraid to be quirky, heartfelt and in the moment.
4. Online dating is not for the faint hearted – there will be disappointments, fakes and players but there are also great people looking for love. Some people have one ‘bad’ connection and run away, reinforcing their belief that ‘there are no good men/women out there’, and miss out.
5. Don’t spend too much time on messages or emails, progress quickly to a phone call or a coffee date. If they are long distance be wary of investing months of connecting (aka projecting) before you meet up in person.
6. Having a rigid set of criteria for a partner is a barrier. Online dating can be flawed by the mind being too judgmental, mentally sitting back with a list that no-one can live up to. In person, when we meet someone at work or socially, we feel their whole being and how our heart resonates with theirs, as well as alignment and chemistry. Do the same online, be open to the connection, the polarity, the shared values and vision, and see how love’s magic want to unfold. There is a place for discernment (and protection) but be alert how you are using it. Use it to take care of yourself, not to fulfil negative beliefs that love is not for you.
7. And once you start dating the fun begins! And even when you think you have found Mr or Ms Right, its a good idea not to become exclusive with anyone until you have the relationship you want.

I do hope these online dating tips for singles are helpful to you in your adventures in love.

with love

Cynthia

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