Are you stuck in being too caring in your relationships?

Do you feel love but not attraction for your partner?

Are you dating people who want you to be their friend but not their lover?

Many of us are taught that it is good to be kind, caring, supportive and helpful in relationships. We are not told that this can kill off sexual spark and attraction. Caring is parental mode, being in mother and father energy. And the child receives. Now there are times when it’s great to be caring towards your beloved or your date partners. You can do this as needed. But if you want to have erotic attraction and spark it’s not about caring, it’s about desire. Being so caring isn’t so sexy.

Caretaking someone else’s feelings it is not erotic or romantic. If you are feeling obligated to take care of their feelings, it will diminish your desire to open to them sexually or to initiate sexually. If you or your partner become needy for approval or for the other to take care of uncomfortable feelings like rejection, then you are not standing fully in yourself and desiring the other.

“I love you” and “I want you” are powerful statements. When they become “I love you, do you love me?” and “I want you, do you want me?’ it asks for a caring act rather than an act of passion. You may want to make them feel better, but are turned off sexually, you are in mother/father mode or rescuing mode, not in the ravishing mode.

If by necessity you are physically caring for your partner, then it’s important to be able to switch that off and experience desire. It is possible to shift out of that mode, shake it off and have dedicated time where you experience each other as lovers. Whether that is through a ritual that marks the change, a special time of day, a change of clothes, a little signal you have. Dressing up for dinner changes the dynamic. One couple I know where he is her physical carer find that when they go away somewhere different, even overnight, they are able to reexperience desire and romance. Openly wanting someone and not needing them to make you feel better can be healing in itself and takes care of many problems.

If you are dating, it’s great to be responsive to the other person’s needs but not to feel compulsive about fulfilling them. You don’t want them to see you as the carer, the friend who looks after them, you want them to see you as a sexy attractive lover, who can also be caring and kind.

Especially in the masculine/feminine dynamic if she senses he needs her approval to feel ok about himself, then she is being forced to relate to the insecure boy rather than the desiring man. If she is overly caring he will experience her as a friend or a mother, not as the alluring sex goddess that he is going to have to step up to meet. And in reverse if he is overly caring she can start to feel like a child. She generally wants to be cared for and cherished, but as an attractive woman not as a little girl.

Of course, I’m not suggesting being uncaring or unkind or insensitive. Being loving is the foundation for relationship. However, I do see many couples where the love is there, but the desire is absent. That need to have the other caretake for them, or being compulsive about caring, really diminishes the sexual intimacy and activity. To bring back the spark, or to find the passion, dial down the caring and dial up the desire. If you find that difficult to do there may be a deeper pattern that is stopping you, and that may require some extra therapeutic support.

Being so caring isn’t so sexy. Remember that next time you are quietly demanding your partner or date makes you feel good about yourself, alleviates your anxiety or you are rushing to do the same for them.

Love

Cynthia