Security and Sizzle

Cynthia Connopcouples, dating, relationships, singlesLeave a Comment

Couple looking at each other smiling - Security and sizzle

The beginning of the New Year is a good time for some forward movement in our lives and relationships. Not by pushing and prodding ourselves to do better (that didn’t work last year anyway, right) but by a sweet and clear reflection on what you want and need.

It sounds simple but many of us are disconnected from what we truly want. We are too busy living up to our ideals of perfection or stimulated by social media to desire what other people have. We are not connected to the needs of our own essence. And we can miss a vital understanding how an imbalance between security and sizzle can stop us moving forward.

Stop and take a moment to consider – do your life, relationships or dating feel the same old same old, secure maybe but a bit dull? Nothing new happening, or no spark? Or do they feel on shaky ground? Always changing and maybe exciting but throwing you into feeling off centre or see-sawing emotionally? Either way there isn’t much expansion or real change.

If you are in an intimate relationship, it is important to find a balance between security and sizzle, safety and risk. Too much security can lead to boredom and stagnation. While too much risk and spontaneity can lead to chaos and instability. On one hand, security is a necessary foundation for a relationship. I find couples who constantly threaten to leave or end their relationship when things go wrong never create a base to move forward with a sense of trust and reliability. They don’t feel safe and supported within the relationship, so they tend to not be vulnerable and open with each other, which makes the relationship painful, and so the cycle keeps going. When they stop throwing the relationship under the bus when the going gets tough, then they have more stability, and the relationship improves.

On the other hand, spontaneity and change are also important for keeping a relationship fresh and alive. It allows us to explore new aspects of ourselves and our partnership. Spontaneity helps to keep the erotic spark alive and keeps the relationship from becoming too predictable. I often hear long-term couples saying that they love each other very much but there is no desire anymore, no attraction. There can by several reasons for this, but a common one is they have neglected to take some risks, to celebrate their differences, to have adventures, and consequently are stagnating in their relating.

The key to finding balance between security and sizzle is to be present and attentive to the needs of the relationship and to be open to making adjustments to find the right balance. This requires a level of awareness, being present with ourselves, and with our partner, and to be willing to be flexible and adaptable in order to create a relationship that is both secure and spontaneous.

What does your relationship need? How can you bring in more spontaneity and excitement? Or do you need more trust and stability in your relationship to enable it to grow in love and freedom?

If you are single and dating you need the same clarity. Are you just going down a familiar but safe routine of the same old friends, the same social outings, the same old criteria of who you will consider as a potential partner? Nothing suprising can get in past your protections. Or do you chop and change frequently, always in the vibe of the new and never stopping long enough to let commitment form or trust grow? Also a form of protection.

What do you need to change this year? Do you need more steadiness or more silliness? If you are online dating review your profile and see if you are coming across as too dependable and possibly boring. Yes, you may be an accountant who likes watching reruns of the Simpsons but have you also included you are passionate about love? Or the opposite – do you look like lots of flirty fun to be with, a good lover for a night but not a life partner?  You’ve listed all your favourite cocktails but what about the loyalty you have to the causes you support and for your friends? Adjust according to what you need and want. If you don’t like who you are attracting, what are you putting out there?

The same applies to our lives in general. To move forward we need a balance of security and planning with spontaneity and flow. Too much security and we become rigid, dry, stuck. Too much spontaneity and we become purposeless, chaotic and even lost.

Which do you need more of this year? New skills and hobbies, adventures and change or getting grounded and creating a foundation to your life. Once you identify where you are and what you need, you can open a door to bringing more of that into your life on a regular basis.

We can also look at this balance through the masculine and feminine essences. If you want more trust and stability, bring in more masculine energy. If you want more intuitive playfulness, bring in more feminine energy. You can find out how to do that in my blog How to Increase Your Sexual Essence.

I am highly aware of this security/spontaneity dynamic when I facilitate sessions and workshops. We need safety to be able to take risks and be vulnerable, and we need the latter to experience ourselves and our beloveds with fresh eyes. Attraction is a combination of the two. It’s a finely tuned dance and once you understand the dynamics of it you can create great lives and relationships, that are secure and sizzle!



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