Over the last twenty or so years, like many of you, I have been partnered and single and understand the unique challenges of both. Many of my single clients complain that they never meet good potential partners. And yet they are reluctant to try online dating. Or they have tried it, hated it, and given up. If you are sick of online dating or it’s not working for you, here are some tips for dating offline and also how to make online dating a better experience. You might just want to rejoin those apps with a different attitude and not be sick of online dating any more.
To meet someone without the advantage of dating sites or match-makers where do you go? It used to be that many people met partners at work and at social clubs, so proximity was big factor in finding relationships. But approaching someone at work is now fraught with the risk of unwanted advances and misunderstandings. Its even discouraged in some professions. And with a lot of our work and social interactions being virtual, or if you are in an older age group that doesn’t go to pubs and clubs, it can be hard to even meet some eligible folk, much less a ‘right for you’ committed partner.
One thing is for sure, unlike the rom-coms would have us believe, he or she generally doesn’t just show up at your door while you lounging in your daggy track suit waiting for Mr or Ms Right. Ask yourself – what sort of partner are you looking for at this stage in your life? And where do they hang-out? If you are devoted to personal growth and a spiritual life, then go where similar people go. Workshops, meditations, dance classes, volunteering etc. Or if music is your passion then live concerts, jam sessions, organisations. Let all your friends and family know you want to meet someone and are open to introductions. It can be that extra guest they invite to dinner with you there too, or a direct ‘blind date’.
Now to the big question. Are you actually present and alive in your body? Are you open and available when out and about? Or hunched over your phone scrolling and having fomo at everyone else’s lives? It makes a huge difference. Be well groomed, dress to flirt and go out and enjoy yourself. This is not a “task” that makes you tired, but a readiness to meet someone in the moment, to be seen being your authentic self.
Polarity between the sexes works. Masculine and feminine essence are like magnets to each other. So if you want to attract your desirable opposite the first step is for you to project your sexual essence, but not in an overtly sexual way.
If you are have a masculine essence, those with a feminine essence are drawn to your presence, lack of ego, mastery of emotions and a mix of security and adventure. A man who loves and honors women and knows how to hold steady in the midst of feminine flow is very attractive.
If you are a woman, men may not be primarily interested in your job or career but more drawn to your unique, feminine essence. Your playful, warm or offbeat nature is compelling. They want to feel ‘you’ and see you move naturally. Your achievements in the world are important as they show how interesting and smart you are, and stable. But it’s generally not the primary attraction.
The polarity of attraction holds true online and offline, it’s just a different medium. And I’m not suggesting you create a fake persona, but to feel free and secure enough in yourself to show some of your radiant heart, your feeling nature, your depth and humour. Even when you feel insecure, breathe, relax, stand proud and be you!
A growing number of singles are finding love online – both in dating sites or social media, and the percentage is very high for older age groups. So it’s a good place to meet potential partners. But it may not suit you. It can be very challenging, meeting people and staying open to one of them developing into something more. Frustration, disappointment and feelings of rejection can occur. But you need to be rational about it and not take things too personally.
How many times in your life have you truly been in love with a great partner? Not that many I bet, so its not an every day occurrence and it isn’t likely to happen in a week on hinge, bumble or tinder.
However the following Online Tips for Singles who are sick of online dating can make your online experience easier and more successful.
1. Polarity between the sexes works the same online as in face to face meetings. So if you want to attract your desirable opposite the first step is for your ‘profile’ to project your essence.
For men, using too many words will make women feel like they are chatting to a girlfriend rather than being riveted by a man. A good photo where you look into the camera with direct eye contact (and absolutely no sunglasses) will be a major draw card. Calling yourself a ‘boy’ or ‘lonely’ in your profile name or content is generally a turn–off to women. They don’t want to caretake you.
If you are a woman, a profile is not a resume or a job application, it’s an invitation. Part of that invitation will be your radiance, the inner glow of the heart coming through. Your achievements in the world are important but they are not looking for a colleague. If you emphasise the sexual you will attract men looking more for sex. Your openness, self honoring and sense of fun will attract men looking for a woman to enhance their life. Have a close friend or two look at your profile and give feedback.
2. Profile Create a profile that ‘shows’ who you are through real life examples, rather than lists of qualities or activities. Don’t be afraid to be quirky, heartfelt and in the moment. Photos should not include your pets, your motorbikes, your family.
3. Beliefs Online dating is not for the faint hearted – there will be disappointments, fakes and players but there are also great people looking for love. Some people have one ‘bad’ connection and run away, reinforcing their belief that ‘there are no good men/women out there’, and miss out. Watch out for where your mind goes! Its not personal.
4. Timing Don’t spend too much time on messages or emails, progress quickly to a phone call or a coffee date. If they are long distance be wary of investing months of connecting (aka projecting) before you meet up in person.
5. Criteria Having a rigid set of criteria for a partner is a barrier. Online dating can be flawed by the mind being too judgmental. Mentally sitting back with a list that no-one can live up to. In person, when we meet someone we feel their whole being and how our heart resonates with theirs, as well as alignment and chemistry. Do the same online. Be open to the connection, the polarity, the shared values and vision, and see how love’s magic want to unfold. There is a place for discernment (and protection) but be alert how you are using it. Use it to take care of yourself, not to fulfil negative beliefs that love is not for you.
And once you start dating the fun begins! And then – you think you have found Mr or Ms Right. It’s a good idea not to become exclusive with anyone until you have the relationship you want. Or know there are no obstacles to it unfolding in the future.
I do hope these dating tips for singles are helpful to you in your adventures in love.
with love
PS. Suggested further reading The 3 traits of Great Relationships
