Have you ever noticed a voice in your head shaping how you see yourself and your relationships? Or perhaps you can hear it when you talk to other people about your relationship – or lack of one. It’s often clearer when listening to others talk about theirs, we can hear the underlying story. We may point the blame at others but underneath we often need to start rewriting the love stories we tell ourselves.

Thoughts like, “My husband left me – that proves I am not a lovable person” or “I can’t make it work with my wife – I must be a failure.” Or “I only attract players, polys and psychos – what’s wrong with me?” are common examples of this inner dialogue.

Over the years, I’ve heard countless versions of these thoughts. And truly we all have the potential to think this way under the right circumstances. Changing these stories has a very positive impact on our life and relationships.

It is valuable to have a look to see whether you are contributing to a problem or even creating one. But often these unhelpful stories come from unconscious beliefs rather than the reality.

Take, for example – “I can’t make it work with my wife – I must be a failure.”  Or “not another failed relationship! – I’m hopeless.”

Are all relationships meant to last our whole lives? With a 50% divorce rate, I’d say not necessarily. While we may enter a relationship with strong and great intentions, people can grow apart and change over time. Divorce is never easy, but today it is an acceptable option, unlike fifty years ago.

My work is dedicated to helping people find more love and freedom and in nearly all cases that means deepening relationships and cultivating more love, intimacy and connection. But sometimes, the best path to living love is choosing to go your separate ways.

Is it a failure if we decide it’s best to stop trying, let go and move on? That depends how you define failure and success. “We had fifteen pretty good years together and are still great parents and friends.”  And that’s not just celebrity media speak, it is real for many divorced people. Could that be considered a success?

Perhaps you are someone who has the emotional intelligence to know when it’s time to give up. In fact, if you see the end of a relationship as a failure, you are more likely to hold on too long, producing unhealthy emotional and physical outcomes. Letting go of a failure story allows us to learn about our mistakes and do better next time.

Let’s take a look at the thought “My husband left me – I am not a lovable person.”  It is natural to feel let down, alone and grieving when a partner leaves you. But are we unlovable if a partner falls out of love with us?  Maybe they were not capable of loving you. Why give them the vote and let them define your worth?

Both women and men can fall into this type of thinking, and it can stall them for years on finding a new partner who does truly love them. Often, these beliefs are rooted in childhood experiences of not being loved, or not unconditionally loved. So, our sense of self and self-worth becomes based on other people’s opinions rather than out inner knowing.

The truth is people leave relationships that no longer feel right for them.  When we know our own worth regardless, we open the door for a relationship that is more loving. We can trust because, while we may get hurt, we are intact.

I often hear people tell themselves stories about relationships like “Our love languages don’t match” or “I have an insecure attachment style, so I’m always anxious.”

Mutual give and take must flow in a relationship. Yet many people now expect to have their ‘love languages’ catered to as a requirement of a successful relationship. Far less often do I hear people ask how they can give more of what their partner needs and want. As a conversation about what makes each person feel loved, love languages can be very helpful, but as a demand not so much.

And what about attachment styles?  “I have an insecure attachment style, so I’m always anxious.” Our attachment style can shift – anxious one day, avoidant the next, or varying between relationships. The push and pull between merging and individuation is part of what most good relationships are navigating. While knowing attachment styles can be very helpful at understanding behaviours, and adjusting them, we must make sure it’s not a story that leads to rigid labelling of self or others. Beliefs should free us to love more, if it does that then we can embrace it.

Another common story is “We argue a lot and that’s not ok.”  But who says arguing is always bad?  Studies show that couples who argue tend to stay together longer and report being happier than those who avoid conflict. What’s much more damaging is holding onto resentments, grudges and withholding emotionally.

Then there’s, “I only attract players, polys and psychos – what’s wrong with me?” A single person who is loving and radiant, very aware and present will have everyone attracted to them, both the genuine and the game players. While you can fine tune who is attracted to you, you can’t completely control it. Getting dubious messages online from strangers is not a reflection of your worth or mental health, but it can be an opportunity to practice discernment and boundaries.

Things happen in life and love and it’s how we see it that determines our emotional state, physical wellbeing and our future. What if you trusted that you are a good and loving person who makes mistakes, is human and doesn’t always act in the way you’d like to? This doesn’t make you unlovable, a failure or not capable of relationships. What if you are learning about life and love and bring that wisdom into your every day or your next step?

We don’t judge the person who takes a risk to love, or the risk of putting themselves out there, when we all know it can sometimes not work out. We applaud their courage and their willingness not to hide away in self-protection, but to be open to life and love.

Reflect for a moment what story do you tell yourself when things don’t go the way you’d like, when you lose love, or can’t find it? Is there a kinder, more enlightened view of yourself you can choose?

Getting reflections from others who really see us through the eyes of love is so helpful. It can break through these beliefs and negative stories very quickly. Seeing a therapist or coach will do this. And in workshops the group environment is very powerful, when your peers appreciate your true being you will take it in deeply. Rewriting the love stories we tell ourselves, now that is life-changing.

with love

Cynthia