I remember many years ago when I was a young woman, a friend gave me a book called ‘Tantra – Only One Sky’. It was by spiritual teacher Osho, and I stayed awake reading it all night. I was awakened by the recognition of truth in his evocation of the tantric spiritual life. it set me on a path of Tantric Love relationships.

Last month, and decades later, I am leading an Advanced Living Love workshop in Cyprus, and one of the evenings is based around sexuality. I talk about Tantra. I don’t often describe my Living Love work as ‘tantra’ as there are so many associations with that label now. However my experiences of Tantra are profoundly connected to the opening to love that occurs in my workshops, deepening into masculine and feminine essence, polarity and embodied, energetic intimacy. I want to share a few ideas with you on Tantra and how it applies to sexuality, love and life.

 Peaks and Valleys

Conventional sexuality is mostly about foreplay and arousal, with the goal of both people achieving release through orgasm. For the woman this is usually clitoral orgasm(s) and for the man it is ejaculation. This can take you on a great journey of pleasure. And a good lover learns how to pleasure the other in the way that turns them on.

However, the arc of that sexual experience is building up to a peak and then there is a drop, especially for the man, who after ejaculating can take a while to become aroused again.

A slowly building wave

In Tantra the aim is to experience love making as both the peaks of arousal and the valleys in between, as a slowly building wave. Pulling back and slowing down before the climax of orgasm, especially the male orgasm, and dropping into the valley to diffuse the sexual energy through the body and concentrate on connection with the other.

The valley can seem flat after the excitement of building pleasure of the peak, but if you linger in the valley with presence and love then it has its own rewards of subtle sensation and deep union. The valley is rich and varied if we can embrace it without switching off. Then the sexual energy starts to build again, moving eventually to a series of peaks and valleys, getting higher each time. And each time the peak is getting stronger and holding more intense pleasure and love.

Let go of goal-seeking

To embrace this way of making love is to let go of goal-seeking, of performance pressure, of getting it right. For the bigger intention of trusting the emptiness as well as the fulness. It does require ejaculation mastery from the man, and possibly from the woman too if she loses a lot of energy after orgasm. If not, she can have multiple orgasms as the waves build.

Ejaculation control is a whole other subject, which is covered by many teachers on sexuality. However, the peaks and valleys approach makes it a lot easier, as in the valleys the man can slow down, breathe, relax, and focus on his beloved.

It takes time. (It is also great to sometimes enjoy other quicker ways of sexual connection.)

You don’t need a partner to practice this, it can be your own experience.

Tantra is about life, which is mirrored in our sexuality. So, in life are we always seeking the thrill of the peaks, the adrenaline rush of the goal, craving the release of the sudden drop into sleep or nothingness? Learning how to ‘be’ in the valley is fundamental to a fulfilling life where we can be intuitive, aware and loving. It is where we listen and where we are still, where we dance and where we embrace the unknown, the unseen mystery.

She is receptive sexually; he is receptive in the heart

Tantra means ‘weaving’, the weaving of all that is, the weaving of the opposites of Masculine and Feminine, positive and negative, light and dark. Not rejecting but embracing everything with awareness. It is an inclusive path of spirituality, not a renunciative path, although requiring discipline. To have the awareness and the heart to be able to dive into what exists without recoil is a very strong practice. To breathe in suffering and transform it with love. To integrate the others viewpoints without needing to assert our own righteously. This takes courage and practice – stumbling, feeling exploring, experiencing, letting go and moving on.

In tantric sexuality the masculine essence is positively charged in the genitals and the feminine is positively charged in the heart centre. What does this actually mean? It means that he will be more outward moving in his sexual energy, she will be more outward moving in her heart energy, her blessing force. She is receptive sexually; he is receptive in the heart. She can bring him more into the heart, and he can awaken her deep sexuality.

When this happens there is a circuit of energy flowing between the two lovers that creates a union of One Love in the two-bodied form.

A simple example is if her nipples are stimulated this will increase her sexual energy in her genitals. When he is stimulated in his genitals his heart will open more easily.

Placing connection above all else

Traditionally Tantra adepts used sexual energy for enlightenment. It isn’t about romantic love at all. It is about spiritual growth. Now I see that sometimes people who are exploring tantric sexuality get overly focused on techniques and circulating breaths, counting their orgasms and so on. Making love is about creating love between lovers, placing connection above all else. There may be no orgasms that day, and does it matter? Not if you are both connected with heart and sex. Then no orgasm can actually keep the polarity alive and activate sexual chemistry to meet again. It is for the couple to find out what works, to be a love-making ‘team’ supporting each other to find fulfilment, pleasure and increasing love and presence. Being open about what’s going on for you, between you, without it being an intellectual or psychological session, but direct open body and heart feedback. In the valley this is part of the experience.

Can we roar and claw

In the embrace of all that is, tantra explores a whole range of energies from light to dark. This is not only done sexually, but it does express there. Can we roar and claw when that energy arises and stay in the open heart? Can we be super vulnerable and tender without protecting our openness? In tantric love and life the play can go from ‘blessings to beast’ in a heartbeat.

Tantric Love, Living Love also means working with what’s on the table and that will include ageing bodies, disabilities, fears, preferences, sexual kinks, closures, past traumas, doubt and all other aspects of humanity. In oneself and the other.

Sometimes it all comes together and eventually we learn to relax when it doesn’t. This opens the door for the next moment and possibility.

Integration of challenges and difficulties is actually super sexy. To be able to hold and flow with it all, to have humour, to be caring and kind, to be fierce, this is a mastery of tantra and the weaving of love and awareness through the fabric of life. This is much sexier than mechanical techniques and better orgasms. Paradoxically though you will have expanded sexuality and pleasure in tantric love because it transforms and the restrictions melt away.

In wonder – what if we lived with true wonder, in the moment, breathing in, breathing out, with a child-like yet mature curiosity to explore and embrace and love and fuck and live like we are made to do.

This is Tantric Love.

With love and appreciation,

Cynthia