Over many years I have personally attended multiple growth workshops and trainings, made trips to ashrams in India, and done heaps of individual and couples therapy.
Like many people attending I would usually have an amazing time of connection, growth and insights. Mind-blowing, awesome, deep. Then came the next step where I’m going back into daily life and the demands of work, relationship, parenting.
I noticed a disturbing phenomena that would sometimes happen – I’d slide back into old ways. Let’s call it the Elastic Band Effect.
You know how when you pull out an elastic band it stretches, and when you let go, it snaps back to its original shape?
Having a transformational experience is like that. Our ego’s sense of self and safety is like an elastic band that is widening and stretching. We have new adventures, new loves, even a new sense of ourselves. We may feel joyful, blissful, inspired, reborn. A better world awaits us.
And then we go back into our life and our old habits and patterns reemerge. And our inner elastic band that has been stretched, springs back, slowly or quickly. Why? Because this is our familiar, comfortable default zone in our psyche. We return to this sense of ourselves, that isn’t really safe but feels like it is.
For example, we have wonderful intimacy with a partner and feel amazing love and connection and then it’s not long until we are arguing over money or housework yet again. The dance of merging and pulling apart.
Or you had a great first date that brought hopes of romance, and then it falls flat and we tighten up our protection again. It’s unconsciously safer than risking love.
What happened to the openness, the shifts, the insights you may wonder? ‘Were they real’, you ask yourself? Or is there something wrong with me?
Yes, they are real, and they give you an authentic sense of what is possible, what expansion feels like. And don’t worry – it’s normal to contract a little when you leave the intensity of a group, or the beauty of an intimate connection. It’s the ebb and flow of openness and contracting.
The good thing is that when you stretch the elastic band enough, it never goes back as tight. Even if it seems to, the ground has changed. And if we keep practicing more opening and loving and bringing our presence, the contraction becomes less each time you do that.
You stay open, the transformations deepen and become more stable. This is the value of ongoing work and practice. To move from a temporary state to a natural permanent trait. A new baseline is established whether solo or in a partnership.
Not everyone experiences the Elastic Band Effect after doing workshops, intensive events or having intimate connections. But if you do, it’s helpful to understand this is normal. It is a challenge to grow and learn more, or something to show you where you need to focus next. To build on the opening and stabilise the learnings you had.
In my teaching I favour learning by doing as that brings real change to our daily lives.
What helps if you snap back?
- Develop a daily practice. If you have done a workshop, intensive or session, it’s good to use the tools that are given there.
- Somatic and embodied practices like yoga, dance, martial arts are helpful. Also meditation, breath work, spiritual practices.
- Making and nurturing new connections with people that encourage and reflect your transformation. And don’t take on the reactions from those who don’t.
- Many of my workshop participants choose to follow up with individual or couples coaching to integrate their growth and take the next steps.
I invite you to pick any one thing that works for you and do it. The smallest movement in the right direction creates momentum.
A heads up – I love assisting people with this stage. It’s a very creative time and ripe for personal unfolding. Reach out if you would like some coaching and support.
Love
