Most people want better sex, more sex or even ideal sex. Some people want less sex (than their partner does).
Sex is a big motivator in our lives. The desire for physical intimacy and real love is natural and ageless. When that is not happening fully to our satisfaction, or not at all, we start wondering what we can do about it?
There is an idea that if only we could be different, improve ourselves, change our ways, we will have more of what we want. If we are more attractive, confident, successful, friendly, sexy etc we will have better sex, more fulfilment, a better life. Even the idea that if we were spiritually evolved enough not to need something, then we could have it.
“We are busy working hard to not be somebody”
The problem with this way of thinking is that it is usually based on a lack of acceptance of some part of ourselves. We are busy working hard to not be somebody. To push away what we really think about ourselves. To counteract a hidden belief about our lack of worthiness, our ugliness, neediness, loneliness, stupidity, not fitting in etc. Usually we are not aware of these hidden beliefs and the activity we put over the top of them, which becomes automatic and driven. The effects of these masks can be devastating.
For example, if deep down we have a childhood belief we are ugly or not sexually attractive we become ripe fodder for marketers and salespeople. Why else would she risk her health, and her bank balance, even her life, to have a Brazilan Butt Lift for a bigger bum, or a labiaplasty for cosmetic purposes? It is our right to choose for our own body, and there is a case to be made for cosmetic surgery, but if the choice is coming from shame or unexamined beliefs it just may be unnecessary.
These are extreme and obvious examples and there are many more subtle ways we can be acting out. Putting in extra effort in relationships when its not needed. Being overly helpful, trying too hard or avoiding intimacy altogether. Doing all the ‘right’ things and wondering why it still doesn’t work.
This dynamic actually stops what we want from happening.
A woman thinking this way is not relaxed intimately or sexually because part of her energy is focused on making sure her partner does not find out who she ‘really is’.
“We become susceptible to imagined wrongs”
Similarly, if he believes that he is a failure, not good enough, he risks becoming a workaholic or a ‘success junkie’ to prove that is not the case. A workaholic at sex too, trying hard to please, to be a great lover, to even be a super stud or an evolved tantric lover. But not really present in the moment where all great sex happens.
If he believes he is not a ‘real’ man, that he is a fearful ‘coward’, he may even pick a fight or go to war and risk his life to prove that he is indeed a fearless warrior. Or he may need to dominate his partner at all times.
Making love with this energy running can be exhausting, there is no vulnerability, no place to rest and be. He can’t receive love.
Also, the potential for triggers is big, as anything that sets off the underlying belief is painful and unconscious. We become susceptible to imagined wrongs and slights. We become reactive and this creates the opposite of what we really want which is greater intimacy, better sex, a fulfilling life.
“Learning how to let go and relax into acceptance”
There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve and learn, but that should lead us to recognise these unconscious drives and our hidden beliefs. Ultimately, leading to letting go and relaxing into acceptance. Acceptance of who we are and what we think about ourselves. Acceptance of the other. Then we can decide what needs improving from a very different viewpoint. We can learn about the opposite sex or tantra because we want to, not because deep down we fear we are a failure and need to succeed at sex. We can enhance our attractiveness because it feels good, not because we really believe we are ugly. We can seek partners not because we are afraid of feeling lonely, but because we need and want a person to share our lives with.
These hidden beliefs are usually formed early on in life and are often a surprise when we discover them. Yet they seem familiar because we have been sensing them there in the background. What a relief when you can accept and relax into and beyond the idea you have about yourself.
“You are free to respond in the moment”
Imagine the scenario where you approach your partner to have sex and they say no. If you believe you are unattractive, you will think the worst and shut down, withdraw or go into coping strategies, even acting out with all kinds of dramatic behaviour or punishment. If you are aware of that belief and accept it, it loses its power. You are free to respond in the moment. Perhaps they are tired, sleepy, unwell or just not interested right then. You are free to be playful, seductive even or to relax until another time. Or to address underlying issues between the two of you that are causing the lack of intimacy.
Or an example for singles. Let’s say you meet someone new and you are attracted to them. But they don’t communicate in the way you need or like. If deep down, you think you are not a lovable person then you will immediately think they are not interested in you. Perhaps you even quiz them to see if they like you or have serious intentions.
Without this triggered response you are free to assess the situation, find out what’s really happening and respond. And sometimes it turns out they aren’t interested. Or they didn’t want to overwhelm you; they were sick, or so attracted to you they felt nervous.
It is scary to be on the other end of these beliefs. Pushing from these underlying identities is a turn off. We can recognise pretty quickly in others who they are resisting or not accepting in themselves. And rightly, we don’t want to take responsibility for that. We can be reassuring when we discover their hidden vulnerability, but trying to fix it for them is fruitless.
“This brings deep relaxation sexually, and in life”
Better sex is about being self-accepting and therefore being free from the compensating behaviours. It is not about becoming a better you based on the idea the real you is not ok.
This acceptance brings deep relaxation sexually, and in life. We can be in the moment, responsive to our own sensations and to our partners. Responsive to a future partner that we may be dating or looking to meet. Walls go down and authenticity is sexy. It brings our real, imperfect selves to the encounter. From there we can grow and learn and ask and be curious. There is a deeper trust in the self. You know what it is you are afraid to feel, afraid to reveal.
“Who am I not wanting to be?”
If you notice a tension, a driven quality then this can be a sign you have an underlying hidden belief. If you find things not moving in the right direction for you, even though you are exerting a lot of energy, this could be why.
Ask yourself, who am I not wanting to be? What is my wounded sense of self from childhood that hasn’t resolved and still has tentacles into the present? No matter how much growth we have done, these hidden beliefs can pop up, or slowly rise to consciousness. Feel it in your body, welcome it in. Even if you are burning in shame say yes, as though you are discovering an old friend. Have ultimate compassion and appreciation for yourself in that moment.
As we accept ourselves without judgement in this way, as we go through it, we have the ah-ha moment. And the resulting relaxation flows into our sexuality, our relating, our friendships, our career, our ease of being.
With love and appreciation,
