I meet a lot of people struggling with sexual and relationship issues. They may have loss of interest in sexuality or feel uneasy about meeting a partner. Sometimes they are longing for more fulfilling, amazing love-making. These problems or issues are wholly or partly caused by a lack of polarity in their relationships. This Polarity, Sex and Self-love article explores how and why this happens.
Sexual polarity is the opposite poles of masculine and feminine activating a magnetic desire to come together. Polarity is an essential fact of the biology of creating human life. And in any sexual encounter, whether for procreation or not, we experience different amounts of polarity. This difference in levels of polarity and attraction creates either thrilling, satisfying, wide open sex or a rather ho-hum ‘going through the motions’ experience that may be pleasurable like a massage. We often get this polarity naturally in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of a relationship, finding this fades over time. But polarity and attraction can be kept alive and even increased over decades.
Loss of libido is often a result of a weakening of polarity. Ageing, illness and stress play a part, but surprisingly, too much familiarity and intimacy can be a major killer of desire. These create safety, but they also decrease the differences. You need the opposites to activate the flow of sexy love at the heart of each couple. Masculine and feminine meeting to create love.
When this flow of differences is activated you have one partner holding, penetrating and guiding the energy and the other person flowing, surrendering and receiving. This can swap at times too, but usually each person will more naturally inhabit one of poles of masculine and feminine. (To make it easier I’m going to refer to the man as masculine and woman as feminine, but it doesn’t always line up with gender.)
What often happens when the polarity is unnaturally reversed or weakened, is the man loses his core energy and becomes withdrawn, indecisive or needy. His woman is not drawn to him, she can even be repelled. She can’t relax into his energy and open to his penetration. She may have sex because she loves him, but she won’t feel thrilled to open to him and tenderly reveal and offer her deepest heart and bodily gifts. And if a woman becomes overly identified with her masculine energy and starts directing and guiding a man this will repel him. Again he may tolerate it because he loves her, but he will withdraw, lose interest sexually or give in to please her.
Over time both partners shut down their sexual energy and may become loving companions, co-parents, business partners. Infidelity then becomes a risk. As soon as someone meets another man or woman they experience more polarity with, their desire re-arises naturally. They may mistakenly think it is to do with the new person, but in fact it can be the lack of polarity with their committed partner, something that can be changed. This would help with our divorce rate!
Polarity cuts through a lot of sexual issues as it arouses natural desires and actions. Libido imbalances are often adjusted as polarity increases. A glance, a word, a feeling can create huge charge. This is an art that can be cultivated over a lifetime. Sexual poses spontaneously evolve during love making, as the bodies are attracted energetically. Orgasm is easier for the women as she can let-go and surrender to her own desire and energy through him.
It’s a magical and earthy experience when deep polarity inhabits a loving couple. Beyond words or thought. Hopefully we have all had a taste of this experience. Sweet, fierce, raw, tender, wild, deep, crazy, blissful, sublime energies are released. The sense of the relationship as a union between lovers, man and woman is grounded and carries into the everyday moments of life. A core pathway to deeper love, integrity and authentic being.
Self-love is also influenced by polarity. Loving your feminine and masculine energies without judgment is liberating. If you have a masculine essence and are more identified with the dynamic, meditative or witnessing energies and seek purpose and freedom, that’s great! Or if you are a feminine essence and love being in flow, connection, mystery and seek love and relating then that’s beautiful. We are different – and complementary.
Many men judge their powerful masculine energy as potentially harsh, abusive, unfeeling, overpowering. Many women judge their feminine energy as too vulnerable, weak, emotional, chaotic or intimidating. These beliefs are symptoms of our cultural conditioning. There can also be a subtle rejection of our essence, neutralizing it in the name of inner balance, spirituality, serenity, and self-sufficiency. Of course we all have both masculine and feminine within us, but in the pursuit of balancing up these energies for the sake of individual integration, we have cut off from our authentic essential gifts. Embracing our own essence is a very necessary part of self-love. We may suddenly feel truly at home in ourselves for the first time.
Meeting a potential partner is also very different when you understand the nature of masculine and feminine attraction. The more you are in your own essence the more you will attract your opposite. If you are attracting weak polarity, look to what you are doing with your own energy. This is something you can change.
Polarity is not the same as love. Polarity can be present without any love, which can lead to uncommitted, sexualized relationships. And love can also be there without attraction leading to neutralized relationships without much spark or sexuality. Having both polarity and love is the holy grail of relationships. The good news is that it can be cultivated.
Practicing the tips for women and men are helpful ways to connect to and increase your essence. It may take soul-searching and integrity for the man and movement and expression, deep feeling for the woman. Also as too much familiarity dulls the polarity, taking some time alone or with your men or women friends increases yin or yang. Then the meeting with the beloved is much more enlivened.
The feminine expands from being deeply seen and loved, the masculine grows through facing challenges with integrity and clarity. So women if you find yourself rescuing, counselling, helping him you are possibly feminizing the men in your life. Trusting them to sort things out while giving your loving feminine feedback is empowering to men. Men if you find yourself expecting her to be organized, problem solving and accountable you are possibly masculinizing her. Appreciating and loving her reminds her that she is love itself and she will open and relax into your masculine energy.
When you have increased your polarity some issues just fade away or are resolved much more quickly. Sometimes we need therapy too, especially if trauma is blocking creating polarity. However a flow of sexy, polarised love makes it all much more natural and real. We are so fortunate to have this source of love, mystery and attraction right with us and in our relationships.